4 ways to motivate unmotivated students

Failure to Finish
4 key factors to guide unmotivated students toward academic success

By C. Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Have you ever wondered why so many students get close to the ‘finish line’ of a semester or even graduation and then fail to finish? Parents, teachers, guidance counselors and tutors can be cheering for a student to push forward to finish strong and sometimes they just sit down and give u p. You’ve probably seen it. A bright young person starts out with promise and potential and then halfway through a semester they literally run out of gas and ‘check out’ as it’s called because they completely lose the motivation to finish school.

Academic Atomic Bombs
When a student ‘checks out’ it isn’t because they don’t know what to do. You can tell them continually that they should be doing their homework, turning in class work, completing reports and playing by the rules to get good grades and move forward with their academic career. Yet they won’t do it. You can beg, you can plead, but basically they stop doing the right thing to oftentimes doing nothing. Since schools reward behavior that is measurable, it’s like creating an academic atomic bomb that literally ‘blows up’ their grades which can wreck a future transcript.

You may be thinking that this is an overreaction, yet many colleges and even prep schools look first at the transcript before they look at the person. If you have ignored, neglected or abused your grades it will hurt your academic future. Yes, I know, schools and universities should look at the person, they should look at character traits or consider someone who is nice or likable, but the fact of the matter is they look at academic performance by looking at grades. If someone ‘checks out’ and gives up on trying to finish strong it will cost them, and if you are the parent or guardian paying for their future education, it will cost you too.

Fear of Success
Failure to Finish isn’t limited to students in school. It can show up in many different areas of life. People who know they should send a thank you note for a kindness given and then procrastinate forever and never get around to it. Creative types with a good idea they believe would help others and maybe make a lot of money, but they just can’t quite get the paperwork filled out to file a patent; then next thing you know they see their idea on an aisle at Wal-Mart and kick themselves for not following up.

I wrote about this huge gap in people knowing what to do, but then never doing it in my book, ‘Destination Success’. Giving up before a big finish is actually driven by the fear of success because it’s not about getting the right information, the right facts, the necessary details. Nope, usually it’s more about the motivation to do what you know you should do. The fact that students fail to finish is in some ways representative of the adult world. Many people don’t do what they know they should do, and sadly many people suffer the consequences of missing out on a lot of joy in life because of it.

Missing the Marathon
If you have ever participated in a marathon you know what I’m talking about. I saw it during a Disney event my little sister Trish talked me into running. We prepared for months and she coached every step of the way on how to finish strong, yet only a few miles into the race there were literally thousands of people in front of us walking. Yes, I said walking! They missed the concept of 26.2, or at least my understanding of what the Greeks had in mind when they created a distance run that only counted if you finished! They missed the marathon concept, just like students miss the very basic idea that no matter how much fun, or misery they may experience in school- it only counts if you finish the race!

So why do so many give up within weeks of the ‘finish line’ at the end of a semester? Here are four main reasons.

1) Fearful
They are afraid about the future, about what life in the ‘adult world’ will be like or afraid to grow up in general. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet someone who is overwhelmed with fears can often become indecisive and ‘zone out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they completely deny what’s happening to their grades and future. Some do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Yet there is no avoiding the end of a semester, and the end of academic dreams if you let fear overtake your future success.

2) Friends
It’s true. Birds of a feather do flock together, and students who are unmotivated about finishing can find each other across a crowded room. Highly disciplined and super motivated students hang out together to challenge each other toward greater success, and the opposite is true about the undisciplined. Your son or daughter may begin to hang out with the wrong crowd to hide from facing their academic future. Sometimes it’s to irritate their parents, but more often than not it’s because they don’t fit in with the winners at the front of the race, so they just sit down and hang out with those who appear to not care about the educational race they are in… but if you look closely you will see the insecurity and doubt in their eyes.

3) Frustrated
This group could include parents and teachers, but I’m mostly thinking about students who are trying, but it’s just not coming together for them. They want to finish strong, but lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. These students are at great risk, because they will face a choice. Finish with mediocre results and try again next semester, or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to their potential. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright students who partied or procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t pull out their grades. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them, usually a mom. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to finish strong.

4) Failing
Sadly this group is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When a student has reached this level they are so unmotivated that they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their grades become a ‘free fall’ down to zero. To totally and completely fail crushes confidence and for many the desire to try again; which leads many students to give up on school completely and just drop out.

Not finishing education makes sense to them at the time, but it costs them dollars and cents for a lifetime. Consider the numbers from the U.S. Census Bureau to see how expensive it is to give up on education.

Average Annual Salary based on Education Level
Masters degree $74,602
Bachelors degree $51,206
High School degree $27,915


Finding the energy to Finish
So how do you motivate an unmotivated student? Well you start by dealing with your own frustration so you can think clearly about a strategic plan to guide your son or daughter toward the better life that education can bring. Here’s the key areas I use to find a way to inspire a young person to get back in the race and find the energy to finish strong.

1) Insight
This often begins with the parent closest to the student because they already know so much about their personality, their character and their drives. The Bible has a verse that I pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). Insight is to ask God to reveal the special gifts and abilities that your student has, and no matter how far behind they may be they have some talents. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stick with it to light the fire of desire in the heart of one who may have given up.

2) Interests
One you know which gifts, talents, abilities or skills that you are looking for in a student, the next part is to help them see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so interesting that they really want to show up and learn more. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When a student is inspired about pursuing something interesting to them they can lose all track of time because they are fascinated with the topic they are studying.

3) Important
Once a student gets inspired to pursue the subjects that are interesting to them, the next element to add to stir up motivation is to discover what is important to them. What is valuable? What activities do they believe in? Everyone believes in something yet often haven’t taken time to explore to discover what causes or activities they are motivated to join.

Here’s a comprehensive list to use to help your student find what is interesting or important to them. Review the categories with your son or daughter to find a logical place to begin getting motivated again.

What is Interesting or Important to Motivate your Student?

ACADEMICS
Academic Achievement Award, Accelerated Reader, Essay Award, French Honor Society, Geography Bee, Girl Scouts Bronze Award, Honor Roll, Junior National Society, National Jr. Honor Society, Perfect Attendance, Poetry, Reading, Reading Olympiads, Reflections, Writing Essay, Science Olympiads, Spanish National Honor Society, Spelling Bees

ACHIEVEMENTS
F.C.C.L.A, Future Educators of America, Future Farmers of America, Future Problem Solvers, Geography Club, German Club, Girls Athletic Association, Girl Scouts, G.R.E.A.T. Program, History Club, International Club, Journalism Club, Junior Achievement, Junior Beta Club, Junio, Classical League, Key Club, L.O.G.O.S. Youth Program, Latin Club, Letterman Club, Math Club, Math Team, M.E.S.A., Mountain Biking Club, Model UN, Multi-Cultural Club, National Junior Beta Club, National FAA Organization, National Forensic League, Newspaper Club, Odyssey of the Mind, Outdoors Club, People to People Student Ambassador Program, Pep Club, Photography Club, P.R.I.D.E. Program, Quill & Scroll Society, Quiz Bowl, Robotics Club, Running Club, S.A.D.D., S.A.V.E., Science Club, Scrabble Club, Service Club, Sign Language Club, Ski Club, Spanish Club, Speech Team, Sports Club, Stars Club, Stock Market Club, Student Advisory Committee, Student Council Member, Student Government Assoc., Technology Club, Temple Youth Group, Varsity Club, Vocational Industrial Club, Winter guard, Yearbook Staff, Y-Club (YMCA), U.S. Achievement Academy, Youth Leadership Program

ACTIVITIES
4-H Club, Academic Team, Acteens, Awana, Assisteens, Beta Club, Bible Club, Builders Club, Book Club, Boy Scouts, Boys & Girls Club, C.A.R.E. Program, Chess Club, Church Youth Group, Civil Air Patrol, Computer Club, Dance Club, Drama Club, Debate Team, D.E.C.A., English Club, Environmental Club, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Foreign Language Club, French Club, Future Business Leaders of America, Class Officer, Class Representative, Community Volunteer, Hospital Aid, Library Aide, Editor, Photographer, Reporter Office Aide, Peer Mediator, Peer Tutor, Red Cross Aide/Volunteer, Junior Engineering Technical Society, Safety Patrol, Special Olympics Volunteer, Student Ambassador, Teacher’s Aide, Yearbook Editor, Yearbook Photographer, Yearbook Reporter, Astronomy, Babysitting, Computers, Cooking, Making Models, Modeling, Pageantry, Painting, Photography, Playing Guitar, Playing Piano, Playing Violin, Playing Drums, Scrap booking, Sewing, Mystery Shopper, Singing, Traveling, Spending Time w/ Family & Friends, Video Games, Writing Stories, Writing, Poetry

ARTS
Acting, Art, Arts & Crafts, Dancing, Drawing, Acapella Choir, Acrobatics, Art Club, Band, Chorus, Orchestra, Ballet, Baton Twirling, Band, Chamber Orchestra, Choir, Chorus, Church Choir, Church Dance Team, Church Drama Team, Church Musicals, Church Plays, Drum Major, Drum Majorette, Clogging, Color Guard, Community Theater, Dance Team, Drama, Drill Team, Flag Corps, Handbell Choir, Hip Hop Dance, Irish Step Dance, Jazz, Jazz Band, Jazz Dance, Marching Band, Modern Dance, Music, Orchestra, Praise Dance, Pep Band, School Choir, School Musicals, School Plays, Show Choir, Stage Crew, Step Team, Swing Chorus, Symphonic Band, Talent Shows, Tap Dance, Variety Shows,

ATHLETICS
Archery, Badminton, Baseball, Basketball, Biking, Billiards, Boating, Bowling, Boxing, Camping, Canoeing, Cheerleading, Cross Country, Dirt Biking, Diving, Field Hockey, Fishing, Flag Football, Floor Hockey, Fencing, Football, Golf, Gymnastics, Pop Warner Score Keeper, Sports Reporter, Sports Manager, Presidential Physical Fitness Award, Gymnastics, Hiking, Horseback Riding, Hunting, Ice Hockey, Ice Skating, Karate, Kayaking, Lacrosse, Motocross, Paintball, Pom Pom Squad, Powder-Puff Football, Racquetball, Rock Climbing, Rollerblading, Roller Hockey, Roller Skating, Rugby, Running, Sailing, Scuba Diving, Skateboarding, Skating, Skeet Shooting, Snow Skiing, Skimboarding, Snowboarding, Snowmobiling, Soccer, Softball, Surfing, Swimming, Table Tennis, Black Belt/Tae Kwon Do, Tennis, Track, Track & Field, Tumbling, Volleyball, Wakeboarding, Water Skiing, Water Polo, Weightlifting, Woodworking, Wrestling, Yoga

Now that you have generated the insight to map out the key areas that motivate your student you are ready for the final stage.

4) Identity
When a student has figured out who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are actually living out their purpose and having fun doing it! Perhaps the huge success of the Disney television movies, “High School Musical” is because it shows what most students would like their school experience to be. At this level a young person is totally excited about going to school because when they know why they are going it’s not hard to stay in the race. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a failure to finish to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!

Bonus Scholarship Strategies!
When a student gets motivated to be their best and their grades improve as they are more motivated it opens up new doors of opportunity for future academic success. When that happens the financial opportunities for someone else to pay for their education is amazing. Just log on to any of the following websites to begin the search for extra educational income so your son or daughter can move forward to a new level of academic and career success.

"I Don't Want to Pay for www.cappex.com/scholarships
College"
College Board www.collegeboard.com
College Net www.collegenet.com
FAFSA (Financial Aid) www.fafsa.ed.gov
Fast Aid www.fastaid.com
Fast Web www.fastweb.com
Financial Aid www.financialaid.com
FL Funding Publications www.floridafunding.com
Free Scholarship Search www.freschinfo.com/search-main.com
Go College www.gocollege.com
Petersons Educational Portal www.petersons.com
Scholarship www.scholarships.com
Valencia Foundation www.valencia.org
Wired Scholar www.wiredscholar.com/scholarships
FinAid www.finaid.org
NARFE-FEEA www.narfe.org
Holocaust Remembrance www.holocaust.hklaw.com
College Prowler www.collegeprowler.com/scholarship
Maryknoll Essay www.societymaryknoll.org
Ranger Battalions Ass. of WWII www.rangers-army.org
Flipnot Innovations www.flipnot.com
Brianstorm USA www.brainstormusa.com
CosmoGirl! www.cosmogirl.com/borntolead
Brickfish Scholarship www.brickfish.com
Navy League Foundation www.navyleague.org/scholarships
Horatio Alger Scholarship www.horatioalger.com
The Anne Ford Scholarship www.LD.org
Ronald McDonald House www.rmhc.org
Cappex Hardship Scholarship www.cappex.com/scholarships
American Fire Sprinkler www.afsascholarship.org
Into the Best, Inc/Free Will www.intothebest.com
Women Marine Association/ www.womenmarines.com

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To subscribe to this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.

Helping kids not worry about wars and world conflicts

Kids and War Anxiety- What Can Parents Do?
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

In the midst of war situations around the world, many parents are wondering what can be done to protect their kids from additional stress and anxiety. Here are some helpful steps to make sure your son or daughter is not worried about world events or wars, so they can be focused on just enjoying being a child.

Watch for the warning signs of anxiety.

Here are some of the symptoms and behaviors that may indicate your child has been overexposed to the traumatic emotions that follow a crisis situation. Remember that your main goal is to protect the child and not minimize or deny their emotional symptoms. The more symptoms present, the greater the need for the child to receive additional support and care from family, clergy, or a counseling or medical professional.

- Major changes in energy level, especially lethargy or helplessness
- Heightened fear and worry about the war, or being bombed or attacked
- Changes in sleep patterns, especially nightmares or night terrors
- Regressive behavior, (e.g. "baby talk", clingy to parents or bedwetting)
- Preoccupation with loss of parents or being stranded without parents
- Major shift in school performance, aggression, withdrawal or apathy
- Angry explosions or depressive moodiness
- Withdrawal from normal activities at home, church or school
- Avoidance of friends, family or pets by going into an emotional "cocoon"

Any of the above symptoms are normal reactions to a crisis and may not indicate a need for professional counseling, however it is important to watch for major changes in your child's attitude, personality or behavior to know how to help them cope. Here are some action steps that you can begin to use to reduce pressure on your children and keep them emotionally and physically safe.

What can parents do to lessen the impact of war anxiety?

Here are some positive action steps that you can take to help your child avoid the negative impacts of anxiety over a war situation anywhere in the world.

Take care of yourself

Since children draw much of their security from their parents, it is important to keep yourself well grounded and supported. Spend more time with healthy family, friends or church members during this time to make sure that you aren't overly anxious and subtly passing that anxiety along to your children. Just like the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling of the plane and the flight attendants instruct parents to put their masks on first, you have to stay as balanced as possible to effectively care for your child during this stressful time.

Be aware and be available

World crisis events are a time for extra precautions, but not extra fear. Notice your surroundings, and if the child is old enough, you can talk about the importance of being safe by locking doors, or looking up and noticing cars in parking lots that may be backing out, (as opposed to running through parking lots like children have a tendency to do). Pay more attention to being available for your child, to talk, pray or play. As you heighten your level of involvement and support, your child will be less likely to feel afraid.

Watch your talk

It is recommended that you never discuss your greatest fears with your children, but rather use discernment in discussing your opinions about war situations on the telephone or with your friends or coworkers if your child could overhear the conversation. Wisdom requires you to guard your tongue around children during difficult times to protect them from being overly worried or afraid. It is okay to discuss the facts of a war with older children, but then move into a discussion of how we should pray for our troops defending our freedoms, and how there sacrifices allow us to feel safe in this country. Talk is one of the best ways to help a child feel secure, so ask questions and then just listen to allow your child a chance to release their fears in a safe way.

Monitor media and guard images

Television images are extremely powerful and vivid in a child's mind. With this in mind, you should take great care to avoid having the television on 24/7, but rather limit the exposure to media images. If you feel like you do have to have the set on, (which is not recommended), then turn the sound off. Talk about the positives of your family being together, or an answered prayer, instead of focusing on the negative elements of a war situation. Guide your children into working on the elements of what is happening in their world, as opposed to events on the other side of the world. Protecting your child from harsh media images will protect them from having to struggle to get those images out of their head in the future, and that makes for a healthier and happier child.

Routine, schedule and rules

Children draw security from a predictable schedule. Build a regular set of morning and evening rituals, like getting ready for school or bedtime stories or prayer time; also pay attention to include meal time and personal hygiene rituals that are age appropriate for your child. Even little guys and gals can help to take their plate from the table to the kitchen counter, or take more ownership of their daily rituals. This actually takes stress off of Mom and Dad as the child grows in independence through the years, but it is even more helpful for the child to feel the sense of empowerment from knowing what do to as they begin and end their day. The rules are always the rules, even if there is a war, so be consistent with your family boundaries to help everyone feel more secure by not allowing chaos to erupt from neglecting the established rules for household behavior.

Reconnect to family, friends and faith

Crisis events are an excellent time to reach out to spend more time with friends or family members. If you don't have family nearby, connect with a local church or house of faith that has activities designed for you and your child. The additional socialization will help to build a sense of security from having others to go through this experience with, as well as allow every member of your family to be more aware of God's love and protection. As a suggestion, read Bible verses on finding comfort during difficult times, like this one in Psalm 91: 9-10: "If you make the most High your dwelling-even the Lord, who is my refuge-then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near you. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." The Bible has hundreds of reassuring promises of peace and comfort during fearful times. Now is a perfect time to search out those verses and teach your children the importance of a personal faith of strong beliefs to directly face the challenges of life.

Focus on hope, instead of helplessness

Don’t be afraid, because our country will make it through these difficult times. As you build these coping skills and life management principles into your home, your children will actually be stronger and less afraid of crisis events because they will be more aware of how to face their anxiety with the assurance of God's supernatural protection and peace. Know that you are not alone so keep reading helpful articles like this to stay positive from gaining practical insights on helping you and your kids to grow stronger during times of stress in the days ahead.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park, FL"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

frozen by the fear of wrond decisions

Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions
A coaching process to guide you toward greater results

by Dwight Bain, Certified Life Coach & Nationally Certified Counselor

One of my favorite sayings to share with people facing a major decision is "you always have options." Yet in challenging times people are often so frozen by fear from making a wrong decision that they don't make a decision at all and life passes them by. Think of how many events in life are complicated or missed completely because of the roadblock of being afraid to fail by making a decision and then making that decision work...

-Marriages that didn't happen because of a shy guy with cold feet

-Promotions that never occurred because of the fear of asking for it

-Scholarships left on a table somewhere because someone was afraid to fill out the paperwork

-Trips to exotic places that were always talked about, but never taken because no one sat down to schedule it

-Relationships that failed because someone didn't decide to work on issues and quietly let things 'slip, slide away'

-Forgiveness that was never granted because someone never got past the fear of saying that they were sorry

I've noticed that people will fit into one of the following levels when facing a major decision. Think about where you are in the process.

Level 1- Go Numb- and do nothing

This level is where an individual is so paralyzed by fear that they can't take action and may experience major signs or symptoms of distress. When someone feels numb inside, they often describe their life as being in a 'fog' and often crash in the process. This may be the most dangerous level of all.

Level 2- Passive Pleasing

This level is about pleasing others in a very non-assertive way. The people pleaser personality is passively trying to avoid a conflict, yet often their quietness of not dealing with issues is covering up an emotional explosion that can erupt at any time. This person looks quiet and pleasant on the outside, yet often is irritated and frustrated on the inside.

Level 3- Mediocrity in the Middle of the Road

When people are trying to be politically correct they often will just sit in the middle of the road on an issue. Are they conservative or liberal, do they see things as white or black? You never know because this person refuses to take a stand- often because they either don't care about the situation to have an opinion about it, or are afraid to say it. The risk of sitting in the middle of the road is that you will eventually be run over by a more direct personality who knows where they are going.

Level 4- Active & Assertive Expression

If you know what you believe and are able to express it then you are in a situation of active and assertive expression. People know where you stand because you tell them, instead of trying to hint around for them to read your mind. This level may lead to some hurt feelings on occasion, but those are soon forgotten because positive action eventually leads to positive results.
Level 5- Energetic- Do it all with Enthusiasm

This level is a joy to watch develop in a person's life when facing a major decision. They KNOW that it's the right person to marry, or the right college to attend, or the best time to move on to a better career. There is such a degree of personal power in energetic decision makers that people just want to be around them to gain insight and strength to face the decisions they need to make in their own lives with more confidence. Everyone loves to be around level 5 decision makers because even if the things that need to change aren't pleasant, this individual is able to communicate in such a way that it is just natural to follow their lead.

As you think through the 5 levels of decision making, I hope you saw most of your personal or professional life in either level 4 or 5, because that is where the action is. You can't get results if you are frozen by the fear of being indecisive. Life is changing fast and you must be focused on how to rapidly change with it if you want to be more successful.
Here is a LifeWorks Group exercise designed to coach you through the decision process. Hopefully you can use it today to rapidly sort through your options to come up with a rock solid decision and build a better future. So take out your legal pad, or map it out in an email to review with a coach, mentor or friend as you move from being frozen by fear to growing forward in greater faith because you have mastered the secrets to making right decisions.

STRATEGIC COACHING DECISION MAKING PROCESS

-Define a particular problem, question or choice you are currently struggling with

-List your options for resolving the question or choice

-Write the possible outcomes for each option, both short term and long term

-Write the benefits or risks of each option

-Determine which option corresponds most closely with your overall values and goals

-Determine which option is the healthiest choice for all involved

-Is this a decision you can commit to for a specified period of time, and if so how long?

-Talk with a supportive/trusted people about the options and write down useful suggestions: (it may be tempting to skip this step, but this is one of the most valuable parts of gaining an objective perspective and to 'test' your ideas before you put them into practice).

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions

Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions

A coaching process to guide you toward greater results

by Dwight Bain, Certified Life Coach & Nationally Certified Counselor

One of my favorite sayings to share with people facing a major decision is "you always have options." Yet in challenging times people are often so frozen by fear from making a wrong decision that they don't make a decision at all and life passes them by. Think of how many events in life are complicated or missed completely because of the roadblock of being afraid to fail by making a decision and then making that decision work...

-Marriages that didn't happen because of a shy guy with cold feet
-Promotions that never occurred because of the fear of asking for it
-Scholarships left on a table somewhere because someone was afraid to fill out the paperwork
-Trips to exotic places that were always talked about, but never taken because no one sat down to schedule it
-Relationships that failed because someone didn't decide to work on issues and quietly let things 'slip, slide away'
-Forgiveness that was never granted because someone never got past the fear of saying that they were sorry


I've noticed that people will fit into one of the following levels when facing a major decision. Think about where you are in the process.

Level 1- Go Numb- and do nothing
This level is where an individual is so paralyzed by fear that they can't take action and may experience major signs or symptoms of distress. When someone feels numb inside, they often describe their life as being in a 'fog' and often crash in the process. This may be the most dangerous level of all.

Level 2- Passive Pleasing
This level is about pleasing others in a very non-assertive way. The people pleaser personality is passively trying to avoid a conflict, yet often their quietness of not dealing with issues is covering up an emotional explosion that can erupt at any time. This person looks quiet and pleasant on the outside, yet often is irritated and frustrated on the inside.

Level 3- Mediocrity in the Middle of the Road
When people are trying to be politically correct they often will just sit in the middle of the road on an issue. Are they conservative or liberal, do they see things as white or black? You never know because this person refuses to take a stand- often because they either don't care about the situation to have an opinion about it, or are afraid to say it. The risk of sitting in the middle of the road is that you will eventually be run over by a more direct personality who knows where they are going.

Level 4- Active & Assertive Expression
If you know what you believe and are able to express it then you are in a situation of active and assertive expression. People know where you stand because you tell them, instead of trying to hint around for them to read your mind. This level may lead to some hurt feelings on occasion, but those are soon forgotten because positive action eventually leads to positive results.

Level 5- Energetic- Do it all with Enthusiasm
This level is a joy to watch develop in a person's life when facing a major decision. They KNOW that it's the right person to marry, or the right college to attend, or the best time to move on to a better career. There is such a degree of personal power in energetic decision makers that people just want to be around them to gain insight and strength to face the decisions they need to make in their own lives with more confidence. Everyone loves to be around level 5 decision makers because even if the things that need to change aren't pleasant, this individual is able to communicate in such a way that it is just natural to follow their lead.

As you think through the 5 levels of decision making, I hope you saw most of your personal or professional life in either level 4 or 5, because that is where the action is. You can't get results if you are frozen by the fear of being indecisive. Life is changing fast and you must be focused on how to rapidly change with it if you want to be more successful.

Here is a LifeWorks Group exercise designed to coach you through the decision process. Hopefully you can use it today to rapidly sort through your options to come up with a rock solid decision and build a better future. So take out your legal pad, or map it out in an email to review with a coach, mentor or friend as you move from being frozen by fear to growing forward in greater faith because you have mastered the secrets to making right decisions.

STRATEGIC COACHING DECISION MAKING PROCESS

-Define a particular problem, question or choice you are currently struggling with

-List your options for resolving the question or choice

-Write the possible outcomes for each option, both short term and long term

-Write the benefits or risks of each option

-Determine which option corresponds most closely with your overall values and goals

-Determine which option is the healthiest choice for all involved

-Is this a decision you can commit to for a specified period of time, and if so how long?

-Talk with a supportive/trusted people about the options and write down useful suggestions: (it may be tempting to skip this step, but this is one of the most valuable parts of gaining an objective perspective and to 'test' your ideas before you put them into practice).

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About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/