Growing Stronger through Change
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change is the only constant element in business and life, so if you haven’t gotten used to it, start now. I say this for the benefit of the many people, (including me) that really don’t care for major life changes...who does? Since most of us are creatures of habit, and have difficulty accepting change, here are a few tips to help you this summer.
Remember, you can’t control the circumstances around you, you can’t control the economy, but you can control you! Start now with this formula for positive change.
1. Wellness comes first
The process of maintaining physical-emotional-relational- and spiritual balance. This will allow you to be your best regardless of the circumstances of changing business environments. (Find a rapid life coaching formula to balance your life personally and professionally in my book, “Destination Success” available from Amazon.com
2. Evaluate your priorities
Most people spend more time planning their summer vacations than they do planning their lives. The rule in business is that most people don’t plan to fail, they just fail to plan. I recommend that you assess your problems, and the plan of action to resolve them on a weekly basis, and make the priority items the ones to be addressed within the next 90 days. A legal pad, or your Outlook project task manager can help you stay organized if you take time to use it! It will save you thousands of dollars, lost time and protect your energy to focus on the activities that will bring the biggest return on the time invested.
3. Listen to winners
You need a mentor, and you need to listen to them. Everyone receives counseling somewhere, (from a friend, professional, counselor, coach, pastor, consultant or family member), however, you must know what your business strengths and weaknesses are, as well as being able to hear correction or criticism in order for an outside source to be able to assist you. No one can figure it out by themselves, so if you don’t have a mentor- go find one since you will become like the people you hang around the most.
4. Live every moment
Don’t get so busy with the details of living that you forget how to live. Life is made up of relationships, and nothing is worth sacrificing the value of life... so celebrate the people and career that God has given you every day. There is no guarantee about tomorrow- so make today count.
Many people fear change and would do anything to avoid it, but by practicing these steps of being “WELL” you can grow through change, gain strength and have the time of your life. Wellness leads to greater success, so take this life-coaching formula and get busy celebrating the things that matter most- and once you master those skills, take a few people along with you on the journey.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Community Speaking brings Business Success
How to build your influence through community speaking
By Dwight Bain, best-selling Author & Motivational Speaker
One of the fastest ways to become established as a regional expert is through the process of offering community workshops and seminars. I’ve spoken to hundreds of these groups through the years and have made some wonderful friends, as well as experienced some remarkable opportunities by volunteering time to add value to others. Yes, I said volunteer, since you don’t get paid in dollars to give a community speech, but you can be well paid in other ways. How? Through influence, network, multiple referrals into your business, opportunities to give full fee presentations to other groups and wider media exposure, especially on the Internet. It’s the ancient spiritual law called sowing and reaping. If you sow, (plant seeds), then those seeds will grow and eventually you will reap a harvest of good things, start small, plant often and you’ll be surprised at the results!
If you are a business professional there’s another huge benefit to you- free advertising. Consider how much you would be willing to pay in advertising dollars to be featured as an expert in front of a group of key decision makers, successful business people or community leaders? I suspect a lot because of the incredible return on investment of being in front of key people who have the capacity to hire you or refer you to other key people in the community who can. Treat these opportunities like a public audition that features you in front of 15-30 people who can meet you to learn more of your desire to help in your area of expertise. And the best news is that you don’t have to pay to be in front of these community leaders, but you do have to be strategic.
Opportunities are everywhere!
There are opportunities to give community presentations every day in your backyard if you know where to look. These events often take place during a breakfast or lunch time on a weekday all over your town. Consider the following as a sample of the type of groups in your area that need communicators to get your thinking started about targeting the key groups looking for you right now to line up as the speaker at their next event.
___Business groups such as a chamber of commerce or Female executives
___Service or Civic Clubs, like Rotary, Sertoma, Lions, or Kiawanas
___Medical groups, like nurses, interns, residents or hospital committees
___Networking groups, like BNI, Focus International or Babblebee
___Faith based groups, like churches, ministries or the retreats they sponsor
___Health groups, such as the American Heart Association or Red Cross
___Political or Political Action Committees, (PAC’s) focused on issues
___Speech clubs, like Toastmasters or the National Speakers Association
___Emergency Services, like police, fire, EMS groups or safety committees
___Women’s clubs, like the Junior League, Curves or MADD
___Athletic groups, like master swimmers, soccer clubs or hunting groups
___Education groups, like parent/teacher organizations or school volunteers
___Fraternal Orders, like the Elks, Eagles, Moose or Fraternal Order of Police
___Senior’s groups, usually found at senior centers or retirement centers
___Youth groups, sponsored by churches, Youth for Christ or Jr. Achievement
___Parenting groups, especially young parents such as Mothers of Preschoolers
___Trade Associations- which requires a longer explanation, since there are over 22,000 professional trade associations in the United States.
Most of these trade associations have a national, state and local chapter pushing the number of professional associations into the multiple thousands in every region of the country! Each level has to have a speaker at every event and writers for their monthly newsletters and websites.
This creates a HUGE opportunity for communicators to make a positive difference. If your background is in education, look for teachers associations. If it’s in real estate, look for realtors or brokers associations. If it’s in giving care for the elderly, look for agencies on aging or the professional associations that care for the aged.
The “WOW” Factor makes the difference
You don’t have enough time to speak for every group, but you will have the time of your life if you can get in front of the right trade association and knock their socks off with a great presentation. Plus, at the local level these are always going to be free talks, but if you can ‘wow’ your audience, you can often be suggested to speak at the national trade association’s annual meeting and they do pay speakers at that level. So it pays to always speak as if you were giving the most important talk of your life. Excellence always comes back to bless you after it blesses your audience.
These groups need your input, they need your expertise and you need to help. It’s a perfect fit, so begin searching now to find the groups where you can make the biggest impact and once you have identified your key target groups, then make some calls to see who’s in charge of scheduling speakers to begin the process.
How do you find them? Search out your local newspapers under community events, do web searches on specific topics, or ask around to see who belongs to community groups, which are always looking for effective communicators.
Here are a few important principles to keep in mind as you begin to reach out to make a positive difference using the strategy of community seminars that serve others while positioning you as an expert.
1) It’s not about marketing- it’s about the message
The goal isn’t to market you, your book or your services… it’s about the message to help answer people’s questions, solve their problems and basically give information to help make their day or week go a little better. You want to give as much user-friendly content away in your presentation as possible. If it ‘smells’ like selling- it won’t work. You have to really care about your audience and helping make their lives work better. To quote motivational speaker Zig Ziglar, “You can get anything you want, if you help enough other people get what they want.” If you have a book, you could use it as a door prize. If you have business cards, you can leave them in the back, or another technique is to offer a special report via email in exchange for a business card or email opt-in.
This rapid follow up builds your e-list, (which should NEVER be shared or rented in my opinion to respect the privacy of those who trust you), while showing that you are a professional who believes in giving as much away as possible to build value into every presentation you give. You can build in a very mild marketing follow up, but only after giving a ‘killer’ presentation that adds greater value to each member of the audience. Remember, if you ‘wow’ them, they will find a way to find you for their future events. Mostly give a great speech and somewhere have a business card, or memorable way to share your website with the audience and then let the power of your presentation plant the seeds that will grow into them remembering you for their next paid event.
2) Build on your communication strengths
If you are passionate about a particular subject, then this is your place to shine, however, if you aren’t really strong on a given topic, then stay away from it. Talk about how to solve problems in the areas where you can make the greatest difference. Usually this will come out of your existing career, or an avocation that you really enjoy discussing. If you are building on a strength the writing and speaking will come easy, and your sincerity will come through to show your audience that you are an expert they can trust to add value to their lives. If you love to tell stories, then build on that strength, if your style is more instructional, then create an interactive hand-out to make it a training time of greater learning.
3) Focus on creative topics to catch your audience
Avoiding financial ruin, getting out of a bad relationship, secrets of living to be 100, fast ways to regain health and wellness, prevention of disease, how to stay out of therapy, when to kick your kids out for good, how speed reading creates lasting wealth, recession proofing your business, how to gain a #1 ranking on Google… basically use a great title to excite your audience that it’s going to be a fun time of learning. Another technique I like to use is a title/sub-title process to capture the right and left hemispheres of the brain, (logical/rational vs. emotional/creative).
For instance, title- “Relationship Renewal” (right hemisphere), sub-title- “How to recover, rebuild and renew with the people you care about most.” (left hemisphere, which is often about a lengthier description of ‘how to’ do what it is you have described in your main title). This way you catch the attention of a much wider audience and your specific topic keeps your own thoughts in line for a more powerful presentation. Remember, you can often give the exact same speech, since you will be going from club to club and group to group, so you can strengthen it every time you give it.
4) Be professional and be prepared
Arrive early, know that frequently you may not get the full time you were allotted due to other business the club may be taking care of, so be flexible. The more prepared you are ahead of time, the easier you can ‘edit’ on the fly to end on time, (which is important since people on a tight schedule will actually get up and leave in order to stay on their schedules. You must finish on time, no matter when you get started). Have a printed introduction in large print to give to the meeting planner that outlines your credentials as an expert and encourage them to read it aloud ahead of time to get comfortable sharing this important information to let the audience know of your background and expertise.
Hand-outs are a great way to reinforce your message, as well as add your contact information at the bottom of the sheet. (I’ve found that people will keep these for years if you 3- hole punch them or print on pre-drilled paper, which adds greater value to the sheet by suggesting that it’s important enough to take home and put into a notebook). If you have professional marketing material at a back table, that’s great, but in this communication setting the main strategy is to give an amazing talk first and foremost. Dress one level above your audience and be as polished as you can be for maximum impact since you really don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
5) Give a great talk and get a lot of great PR
Once you are comfortable with the process and are giving great presentations on a regular basis you can leverage your talks several ways that bring in new opportunities by taking your message to new audiences. Ask to professionally record or video tape your presentation. This can be turned into a new CD, podcast, DVD or online webinar. These can become bonus items to add greater value to your website, or stand alone products that you can add to your shopping cart of online resources for purchase by other groups.
Get quoted by the media, (especially if you send out press releases ahead of time which can be done with online services that offer free press releases), since your local newspapers and television stations have to fill news time and a clever topic given in a public seminar can often lead to media quotes which are quite valuable in establishing you as a regional expert. And don’t forget to ask that someone takes your picture with a digital camera while you are talking, so that you have some ‘action shots’ to use on your website, or with your blog of recent presentations.
The more you think ahead on how to leverage your community talk into a great community event, the more likely you will receive positive public relations and on-going referrals into your ‘day business’. Community workshops add value to everyone involved. To you, to your audience and to those who will meet you in the future because they heard about someone who cared enough to take their message to the marketplace to share with others. Do that long enough and you’ll be the busiest professional in your region… and it all started with a free speech.
I dare you to be the one who adds the greatest value in your region by sharing the message entrusted to you with the most people possible. And then I look forward to hearing the success stories of how free speeches to help others turned into fees for services because you cared enough to tell your story to some people looking for answers. It’s one of the most powerful spiritual laws in the universe- “Give and it will be give back to you.” So instead of worrying about the economy, go out and pay it forward for no other reason than to add value to others. This is a perfect time to invest into community, so get to it and leave the results up to God. You won’t be disappointed!
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
By Dwight Bain, best-selling Author & Motivational Speaker
One of the fastest ways to become established as a regional expert is through the process of offering community workshops and seminars. I’ve spoken to hundreds of these groups through the years and have made some wonderful friends, as well as experienced some remarkable opportunities by volunteering time to add value to others. Yes, I said volunteer, since you don’t get paid in dollars to give a community speech, but you can be well paid in other ways. How? Through influence, network, multiple referrals into your business, opportunities to give full fee presentations to other groups and wider media exposure, especially on the Internet. It’s the ancient spiritual law called sowing and reaping. If you sow, (plant seeds), then those seeds will grow and eventually you will reap a harvest of good things, start small, plant often and you’ll be surprised at the results!
If you are a business professional there’s another huge benefit to you- free advertising. Consider how much you would be willing to pay in advertising dollars to be featured as an expert in front of a group of key decision makers, successful business people or community leaders? I suspect a lot because of the incredible return on investment of being in front of key people who have the capacity to hire you or refer you to other key people in the community who can. Treat these opportunities like a public audition that features you in front of 15-30 people who can meet you to learn more of your desire to help in your area of expertise. And the best news is that you don’t have to pay to be in front of these community leaders, but you do have to be strategic.
Opportunities are everywhere!
There are opportunities to give community presentations every day in your backyard if you know where to look. These events often take place during a breakfast or lunch time on a weekday all over your town. Consider the following as a sample of the type of groups in your area that need communicators to get your thinking started about targeting the key groups looking for you right now to line up as the speaker at their next event.
___Business groups such as a chamber of commerce or Female executives
___Service or Civic Clubs, like Rotary, Sertoma, Lions, or Kiawanas
___Medical groups, like nurses, interns, residents or hospital committees
___Networking groups, like BNI, Focus International or Babblebee
___Faith based groups, like churches, ministries or the retreats they sponsor
___Health groups, such as the American Heart Association or Red Cross
___Political or Political Action Committees, (PAC’s) focused on issues
___Speech clubs, like Toastmasters or the National Speakers Association
___Emergency Services, like police, fire, EMS groups or safety committees
___Women’s clubs, like the Junior League, Curves or MADD
___Athletic groups, like master swimmers, soccer clubs or hunting groups
___Education groups, like parent/teacher organizations or school volunteers
___Fraternal Orders, like the Elks, Eagles, Moose or Fraternal Order of Police
___Senior’s groups, usually found at senior centers or retirement centers
___Youth groups, sponsored by churches, Youth for Christ or Jr. Achievement
___Parenting groups, especially young parents such as Mothers of Preschoolers
___Trade Associations- which requires a longer explanation, since there are over 22,000 professional trade associations in the United States.
Most of these trade associations have a national, state and local chapter pushing the number of professional associations into the multiple thousands in every region of the country! Each level has to have a speaker at every event and writers for their monthly newsletters and websites.
This creates a HUGE opportunity for communicators to make a positive difference. If your background is in education, look for teachers associations. If it’s in real estate, look for realtors or brokers associations. If it’s in giving care for the elderly, look for agencies on aging or the professional associations that care for the aged.
The “WOW” Factor makes the difference
You don’t have enough time to speak for every group, but you will have the time of your life if you can get in front of the right trade association and knock their socks off with a great presentation. Plus, at the local level these are always going to be free talks, but if you can ‘wow’ your audience, you can often be suggested to speak at the national trade association’s annual meeting and they do pay speakers at that level. So it pays to always speak as if you were giving the most important talk of your life. Excellence always comes back to bless you after it blesses your audience.
These groups need your input, they need your expertise and you need to help. It’s a perfect fit, so begin searching now to find the groups where you can make the biggest impact and once you have identified your key target groups, then make some calls to see who’s in charge of scheduling speakers to begin the process.
How do you find them? Search out your local newspapers under community events, do web searches on specific topics, or ask around to see who belongs to community groups, which are always looking for effective communicators.
Here are a few important principles to keep in mind as you begin to reach out to make a positive difference using the strategy of community seminars that serve others while positioning you as an expert.
1) It’s not about marketing- it’s about the message
The goal isn’t to market you, your book or your services… it’s about the message to help answer people’s questions, solve their problems and basically give information to help make their day or week go a little better. You want to give as much user-friendly content away in your presentation as possible. If it ‘smells’ like selling- it won’t work. You have to really care about your audience and helping make their lives work better. To quote motivational speaker Zig Ziglar, “You can get anything you want, if you help enough other people get what they want.” If you have a book, you could use it as a door prize. If you have business cards, you can leave them in the back, or another technique is to offer a special report via email in exchange for a business card or email opt-in.
This rapid follow up builds your e-list, (which should NEVER be shared or rented in my opinion to respect the privacy of those who trust you), while showing that you are a professional who believes in giving as much away as possible to build value into every presentation you give. You can build in a very mild marketing follow up, but only after giving a ‘killer’ presentation that adds greater value to each member of the audience. Remember, if you ‘wow’ them, they will find a way to find you for their future events. Mostly give a great speech and somewhere have a business card, or memorable way to share your website with the audience and then let the power of your presentation plant the seeds that will grow into them remembering you for their next paid event.
2) Build on your communication strengths
If you are passionate about a particular subject, then this is your place to shine, however, if you aren’t really strong on a given topic, then stay away from it. Talk about how to solve problems in the areas where you can make the greatest difference. Usually this will come out of your existing career, or an avocation that you really enjoy discussing. If you are building on a strength the writing and speaking will come easy, and your sincerity will come through to show your audience that you are an expert they can trust to add value to their lives. If you love to tell stories, then build on that strength, if your style is more instructional, then create an interactive hand-out to make it a training time of greater learning.
3) Focus on creative topics to catch your audience
Avoiding financial ruin, getting out of a bad relationship, secrets of living to be 100, fast ways to regain health and wellness, prevention of disease, how to stay out of therapy, when to kick your kids out for good, how speed reading creates lasting wealth, recession proofing your business, how to gain a #1 ranking on Google… basically use a great title to excite your audience that it’s going to be a fun time of learning. Another technique I like to use is a title/sub-title process to capture the right and left hemispheres of the brain, (logical/rational vs. emotional/creative).
For instance, title- “Relationship Renewal” (right hemisphere), sub-title- “How to recover, rebuild and renew with the people you care about most.” (left hemisphere, which is often about a lengthier description of ‘how to’ do what it is you have described in your main title). This way you catch the attention of a much wider audience and your specific topic keeps your own thoughts in line for a more powerful presentation. Remember, you can often give the exact same speech, since you will be going from club to club and group to group, so you can strengthen it every time you give it.
4) Be professional and be prepared
Arrive early, know that frequently you may not get the full time you were allotted due to other business the club may be taking care of, so be flexible. The more prepared you are ahead of time, the easier you can ‘edit’ on the fly to end on time, (which is important since people on a tight schedule will actually get up and leave in order to stay on their schedules. You must finish on time, no matter when you get started). Have a printed introduction in large print to give to the meeting planner that outlines your credentials as an expert and encourage them to read it aloud ahead of time to get comfortable sharing this important information to let the audience know of your background and expertise.
Hand-outs are a great way to reinforce your message, as well as add your contact information at the bottom of the sheet. (I’ve found that people will keep these for years if you 3- hole punch them or print on pre-drilled paper, which adds greater value to the sheet by suggesting that it’s important enough to take home and put into a notebook). If you have professional marketing material at a back table, that’s great, but in this communication setting the main strategy is to give an amazing talk first and foremost. Dress one level above your audience and be as polished as you can be for maximum impact since you really don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
5) Give a great talk and get a lot of great PR
Once you are comfortable with the process and are giving great presentations on a regular basis you can leverage your talks several ways that bring in new opportunities by taking your message to new audiences. Ask to professionally record or video tape your presentation. This can be turned into a new CD, podcast, DVD or online webinar. These can become bonus items to add greater value to your website, or stand alone products that you can add to your shopping cart of online resources for purchase by other groups.
Get quoted by the media, (especially if you send out press releases ahead of time which can be done with online services that offer free press releases), since your local newspapers and television stations have to fill news time and a clever topic given in a public seminar can often lead to media quotes which are quite valuable in establishing you as a regional expert. And don’t forget to ask that someone takes your picture with a digital camera while you are talking, so that you have some ‘action shots’ to use on your website, or with your blog of recent presentations.
The more you think ahead on how to leverage your community talk into a great community event, the more likely you will receive positive public relations and on-going referrals into your ‘day business’. Community workshops add value to everyone involved. To you, to your audience and to those who will meet you in the future because they heard about someone who cared enough to take their message to the marketplace to share with others. Do that long enough and you’ll be the busiest professional in your region… and it all started with a free speech.
I dare you to be the one who adds the greatest value in your region by sharing the message entrusted to you with the most people possible. And then I look forward to hearing the success stories of how free speeches to help others turned into fees for services because you cared enough to tell your story to some people looking for answers. It’s one of the most powerful spiritual laws in the universe- “Give and it will be give back to you.” So instead of worrying about the economy, go out and pay it forward for no other reason than to add value to others. This is a perfect time to invest into community, so get to it and leave the results up to God. You won’t be disappointed!
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Creating Positive Change
Creating Positive Change in spite of Crisis
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change... it is a part of life that we don’t like to face. Oh we may speculate on what it would be like to live some where else, move to another house, take another job in another industry, move away from mom and dad, or marry our 'dream date'. We like to talk about the big changes that we may go through one day; but let's face it. Most people hate to go through a major change. I think we tend to avoid change like the plague; even though we know in our heads that God will ultimately use change to grow us into a stronger person through the process.
Some of the changes in life are predictable. Losing our first tooth, the independence that comes from a driver’s license, graduation, moving out on our own, and other expected stages of life. Some changes are not pleasant, but equally common. A new-born baby not sleeping well and the parents struggling to find the energy to cope with their new child's continual cries for comfort, siblings fighting with each other, feeling nervous about a job interview, wondering if you will be able to pay for a child’s future education. We think about those changes for years, often with worry, sometimes with a plan on how to cope when the kids leave home, but always with the anticipation that the event will happen one day.
These changes we accept as a part of growing up... of moving forward... even if we don’t like it. You may be old enough to remember a popular song from the 1960's based on the verse in Ecclesiastes 3 :1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” God has a plan and purpose for your life, and ultimately we know that these predictable stages are a good thing. But what about the changes that we don’t like. The ones that are unpredictable and painful?
Think about the sudden and unpredictable changes in life. Single words tell it all. Death, law-suit, divorce, flood, abuse, hurricane, bankruptcy, flunked, foreclosure, fired. Do we quickly seek to thank God for these events. I don’t and suspect that you don’t either. It is hard to see the blessing when the change was so unexpected, so sudden, so painful and so hard to figure out.
Perhaps that is why the following words have so much meaning to me. They were spoken by a local media personality, who shared these inspirational words at a banquet where he was the keynote speaker for the event. It's important to know that he was speaking that night AFTER he had been fired from his day job , yet BEFORE he was allowed to share his firing with the public. Listen:
“After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. Learn to accept your defeats with head up and eyes open- with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You build your roads on today, because tomorrow’s roads are too uncertain for plans. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And learn you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth.”
These words remind me that God is in control even if my life feels like it is in a total crisis. I believe that God has a plan for our lives that He really will provide a way out of the pain and toward the strength that comes on the other side of a crisis. The rest of the third chapter of Ecclesiastes includes the following theme that really gives us the big picture on sudden and unexpected change. ‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
I believe that God has the major changes of our lives mapped out. He knows why bad things happen to good people. So the next time a major change hurts you, feels scary, or causes you to want to run like crazy- I hope you will try running. Except this time, run toward God, because in Him you can find the spiritual power you need to face impossible situations. His presence will make all the difference to guide you from panic to a place of inner strength and lasting peace.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change... it is a part of life that we don’t like to face. Oh we may speculate on what it would be like to live some where else, move to another house, take another job in another industry, move away from mom and dad, or marry our 'dream date'. We like to talk about the big changes that we may go through one day; but let's face it. Most people hate to go through a major change. I think we tend to avoid change like the plague; even though we know in our heads that God will ultimately use change to grow us into a stronger person through the process.
Some of the changes in life are predictable. Losing our first tooth, the independence that comes from a driver’s license, graduation, moving out on our own, and other expected stages of life. Some changes are not pleasant, but equally common. A new-born baby not sleeping well and the parents struggling to find the energy to cope with their new child's continual cries for comfort, siblings fighting with each other, feeling nervous about a job interview, wondering if you will be able to pay for a child’s future education. We think about those changes for years, often with worry, sometimes with a plan on how to cope when the kids leave home, but always with the anticipation that the event will happen one day.
These changes we accept as a part of growing up... of moving forward... even if we don’t like it. You may be old enough to remember a popular song from the 1960's based on the verse in Ecclesiastes 3 :1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” God has a plan and purpose for your life, and ultimately we know that these predictable stages are a good thing. But what about the changes that we don’t like. The ones that are unpredictable and painful?
Think about the sudden and unpredictable changes in life. Single words tell it all. Death, law-suit, divorce, flood, abuse, hurricane, bankruptcy, flunked, foreclosure, fired. Do we quickly seek to thank God for these events. I don’t and suspect that you don’t either. It is hard to see the blessing when the change was so unexpected, so sudden, so painful and so hard to figure out.
Perhaps that is why the following words have so much meaning to me. They were spoken by a local media personality, who shared these inspirational words at a banquet where he was the keynote speaker for the event. It's important to know that he was speaking that night AFTER he had been fired from his day job , yet BEFORE he was allowed to share his firing with the public. Listen:
“After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. Learn to accept your defeats with head up and eyes open- with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You build your roads on today, because tomorrow’s roads are too uncertain for plans. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And learn you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth.”
These words remind me that God is in control even if my life feels like it is in a total crisis. I believe that God has a plan for our lives that He really will provide a way out of the pain and toward the strength that comes on the other side of a crisis. The rest of the third chapter of Ecclesiastes includes the following theme that really gives us the big picture on sudden and unexpected change. ‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
I believe that God has the major changes of our lives mapped out. He knows why bad things happen to good people. So the next time a major change hurts you, feels scary, or causes you to want to run like crazy- I hope you will try running. Except this time, run toward God, because in Him you can find the spiritual power you need to face impossible situations. His presence will make all the difference to guide you from panic to a place of inner strength and lasting peace.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Relationship Cancer - How abuse destroys trust
Relationship Cancer
Understanding the psychological dynamics of domestic violence
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Her cries for help in the middle of the night startled us awake and when we turned on the lights and let our neighbor inside, the red welts on her arms and face shocked us even more. “How could he do this to you?” My mother asked, and all she could sob out was “He didn’t mean to do it, please don’t call the police.”
That was my first exposure to domestic violence almost 35 years ago yet I can still vividly remember the look of terror in her eyes after being beat up by her husband, (who was so out of control that he had actually pulled out a weapon to use against her). She ran for her life, but an hour later as the police were handcuffing him for transport to the jail, she was begging them to leave him alone so she could take care of him. It was a long night for everyone, but the next day it was like nothing had ever happened, because it was never discussed again. Nothing ever changed at that house for years until a sudden divorce ended the marriage and they just went their separate ways.
It baffled my teenage mind back then that someone would treat the woman they had promised to love like a punching bag; yet now it breaks my heart even more to know how common it is for someone to be abused, yet often feel too afraid to call out for help; so the violence continues behind closed doors in every part of our community while the victims suffer alone in silence.
Every House a Safe House
Slowly think about the word “home” in your mind. Does it stir up feelings of peace, safety, belonging, comfort and love? Or does that seem like an impossible concept because life at your house is more about panic than peace?
Domestic violence shelters are often referred to as ‘safe houses’ because they are hidden away from the general public to allow the victims of abuse to be in a protected environment away from any violence or threat of abuse to heal. I’m glad there are safe houses to help wounded people rebuild their lives; however, I believe God’s design for the family was to see every house as a safe house where people could connect to each other heart to heart and soul to soul.
Sadly many people try to avoid thinking about how common domestic violence is because once their eyes are opened to the harsh reality of this abusive behavior they see the urgent need to do something to stop it. Here are some startling statistics to show you how big this problem really is. As you read through these very sad numbers I hope it will prepare you to take positive action to make sure your house is always the safest place for your family and to be better equipped to reach out and support the people you care about most.
Domestic violence can vary in frequency and severity. It occurs on a continuum, ranging from one hit that may or may not impact the victim to chronic, severe battering. Repeated abuse is also known as battering.
~American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is a serious, preventable public health problem affecting more than 32 million Americans, that is more than 10% of the U.S. population which results in nearly 2 million injuries and 1,300 deaths nationwide every year. (Centers for Disease Control)
85% of domestic violence is directed toward women. (National Crime Victimization Survey)
31% of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. (Commonwealth Fund Survey of Women’s Health)
30% of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year. (Family Violence Prevention Fund)
On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data)
Eighty percent of women who are stalked by former husbands are physically assaulted by that partner and 30 percent are sexually assaulted by that partner. (Center for Policy Research; ‘Stalking in America’).
More than 1 million women and 371,000 men are stalked by intimate partners each year. (Tjaden & Thoennes, National Violence Against Women Survey, Department of Justice)
Previous literature suggests that women who have separated from their abusive partners often remain at risk of violence (Campbell et al. 2003; Fleury, Sullivan and Bybee 2000).
Between 4% and 8% of pregnant women are abused at least once during the pregnancy (Maternal and Child Health Journal)
Pregnant and recently pregnant women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause and evidence exists that a significant proportion of all female homicide victims are killed by their intimate partners. (Journal of the American Medical Association)
Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. (Journal of the American Medical Association)
Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 reported knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll)
In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children. (Physical Violence in American Families; Strauss, Gelles and Smith)
Studies suggest that between 3.3 -10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually. (Carlson, Bonnie E., ‘Children's observations of interpersonal violence.’ Report of the Twenty-Third Ross Roundtable. Ross Laboratories).
Domestic violence can and does happen to people of all ages, races, and socioeconomic and educational backgrounds. Without help, abuse will continue and could worsen. Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner. Many resources are available to help you understand your options and to support you. No one deserves to be abused. ~ Mayo Clinic
Relationship Cancer Kills
Did you sense the despair and hopelessness reflected in those statistics? I sure did and that’s why I really want you to understand what to do to find freedom from the silent and shameful secrets of abuse that ruins the home life of millions of people in our country. I view the abusive behavior of domestic violence as a form of deadly cancer in the relationship, and relationship cancer kills!
We plead with people to pay attention to the early warning signs and symptoms of cancer, which often can save their physical life. In the same way if we take positive action to deal directly with this manipulative and mean behavior we might save our relationship from being destroyed.
Think of it this way; a girl and guy meet, then fall in love, get engaged, and a few months later make promises to love each other forever during a wedding ceremony in front of God and their closest friends and family members. And then an astounding number, (almost one third), of these couples begin to slide into the process of moving from caring for each other to one person trying to control the other and calling it ‘love’ when in fact love had nothing to do with it.
Abuse is about power and control not about anger
This next section is to help you or someone you love to understand what to do to break out of the destructive cycle of domestic violence and abusive behavior. Many people want to believe that it’s just a little too much anger, or they try to excuse the behavior as being something cultural or generational because their family of origin is just ‘louder’ than other families.
So how can you tell if it’s abuse? Here are some key indicators to consider as you begin to study this important subject that will allow you to protect yourself, your kids or to more effectively reach out to others you may know who are really struggling in this area.
Eight primary types of Domestic Violence and Spouse Abuse:
1) Physical-
(scratching; pushing; shoving; kicking, spitting, throwing, grabbing; biting; choking; shaking; slapping; punching; burning, restraining, hitting walls, breaking or throwing things)
2) Sexual-
(forcing a person to engage in a sexual act against their will through intimidation, restraint or physical violence. Includes being forced to watch or participate in perverse sexual behaviors)
3) Verbal-
(using words to shock or attack by twisting conversations into power struggles that the abuser must ‘win’ at all costs to prove that they are ‘right’. Extreme use of moody silence, criticism, sarcasm, guilt trips, deception or continual questioning and harassment. Using street slang, cursing, put-downs, insults or shouting to beat down the other person through forceful language and threatening tones of voice to utterly destroy their self worth, dignity and self-respect through verbal intimidation and aggression)
4) Emotional-
(playing ‘head games’, or otherwise attempting to make the other person feel ‘crazy’ or bad about themselves through blame shifting everything onto the victim; continual attacks against their self worth with feelings of guilt, or shame about themselves, their past mistakes or family secrets)
5) Financial-
(taking away access to family income or taking paychecks away to limit the ability to function financially, includes stealing money or secretive spying on spending or driving patterns in an effort to manipulate every area of daily life that involves spending to ‘trap’ the victim into staying by eliminating any opportunity to travel to friends or family who might help)
6) Isolation-
(continual attempts to prevent any access to healthy peers, parents, friends, neighbors or coworkers, often uses ‘jealously’ as the motivator, but the real motivation is to block out any other person who might support the victim in facing their fears to break out of the addictive cycle by seeking help to change. Common to see ‘tracking’ behavior through GPS on cell phones or mileage on the odometer of the car to insure complete obedience and compliance)
7) Bullying-
(threatening or intimidating with harsh words, hateful gestures, or hostile aggression toward the victim or toward their children, friends or family in order to manipulate the situation to get what they want when they want it. They set the rules as to what everyone in the house must do in order to keep the bully happy at all times. Treats everyone and everything as a possession to do with as they want)
8) Terrorist-
(open aggression, rage, hostility, assault, breaking things, open use of weapons, regular threats of serious injury or painful death to victim, children or pets if they don’t get their way. Stalking behavior fits in this aspect of domestic violence since the goal of the stalker is to create a feeling of intense fear, trauma and terror)
Tracking the toughest form of Relationship Cancer to fight
Now let’s consider one of the most common forms of abuse that creates a subtle relationship cancer inside of many marriage and family relationships, especially those who identify with the teachings of the Christian church and would classify religion and spiritual values to be highly important to them.
The category is emotional abuse, and I suspect that many of the people who utilize this form of aggressive and manipulative behavior don’t completely realize how totally devastating their words and feelings are that go along with this highly destructive and toughest form of abuse to tackle because it’s so hard for the violator to realize just how mean and hateful this form of abusive behavior really can be.
The extensive checklist below shows one of the most tolerated parts and still least understood forms of domestic violence dumped out on millions of victims and then minimized or justified away by the abuser who often misquotes the scripture that a wife is to submit to her husband, like a slave to a master, which is nothing even close to what God’s Word teaches about the Christian home being a place of incredible love and intimacy, and never of critical hostility or cold-hearted insensitivity.
It was written by my friend June Hunt, a Christian Counselor who is an author and founder of Hope for the Heart, a non-profit educational organization offering comprehensive resources from a biblical perspective. Think about your relationship, or someone you know as you answer the following indicators of this massive, but silent killer of marital closeness and intimate connection.
Emotional Abuse Indicators and Warning Signs
While all forms of mistreatment are emotionally abusive, certain behaviors can be overtly labeled as “emotional abuse.” An emotionally abusive behavior will fit into one of two categories: passive or aggressive.
Passive emotional abuse is characterized by:
— Withholding emotional support
— Withholding important information
— Withholding money and access to the checkbook
— Not giving appropriate attention or compliments
— Not listening or responding
— Not taking a fair share of responsibility
— Not respecting your rights, opinions or feelings
— Sulking and brooding
— Using the “silent treatment”
— Choosing to be irritable
— Manipulating the children
— Neglecting important family gatherings
— Failing to return home at a reasonable time
— Refusing to help with children or housework
— Refusing help to overcome an addiction (drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling)
— Refusing to express true feelings
— Refusing to leave when asked
— Keeping weapons in order to frighten you
Aggressive emotional abuse is characterized by:
— Isolating you from family and friends
— Not allowing you to have any part in major decisions
— Rushing your decision-making through intimidation
— Intimidating looks or body language
— Blocking the doorway when arguing
— Hiding car keys as a means of control
— Breaking promises or not keeping agreements
— Making threatening gestures
— Driving recklessly to instill fear
— Excessive jealousy and suspicion
— Prohibiting sleep
— Damaging treasured items
— Excessive anger
— Continually checking up on you
— Interfering with your work
— Monitoring your phone calls
— Making unwanted calls or visits
__ Following or stalking you
If you found this check-list helpful, I encourage you to check out the extensive Biblical Counseling Key June Hunt wrote on this subject, called “Verbal & Emotional Abuse” or “Wife Abuse,” You will find it listed with almost 100 other Biblical Counseling Keys and counseling audio podcasts at her homepage www.Hopefortheheart.org
What next? Take bold action to break the cycle!
Domestic violence is wrong and any form of abusive behavior that goes along with it is equally wrong. If you have seen sign or symptoms in the indicators above, don’t panic, begin to face it and build a stronger and better life. However, let me be quick to say that if you are in a dangerous situation, please let the people around you help out.
There are hotlines, counselors, pastors, friends, extended family, police officers, nurses, doctors, lawyers, family law judges and most importantly, survivors. These are people who were able to break out of the abusive cycle with new boundaries and supports and have regained their strength so they often will be your best source of encouragement to help you onto a new journey of healing and peace. But only if you let them by reaching out and asking for it.
If you are really afraid to do anything about the abuse and violence in your home, let me encourage you with these words- “You could be the next strong survivor beginning right now, if you have reached a point to say ‘enough!’ ‘This is it and I’m never going to allow some fearful things to block the best things that God wants for my life!’”
I believe that you read this far because you are ready for a change so I’ll look forward to hearing your story in the days ahead; about how you, or perhaps you and some friends came together to take positive action to make your house a safe one. Several times a year I’ll hear back from someone who took that next step to reach out to the safe people who were able to help them cross over to a new level of living without the fear of abuse and it changed their lives forever. God’s desire for you and your closest relationships is peace, comfort, contentment, security and connection. When you open up your eyes to look beyond the fear of abuse- you’ll be able to see that the freedom of a better life is available to you too. Isn’t that the very good news of the message the angels sang on the night Christ was born, “Peace on earth- Goodwill to men!”
It is my prayer that you begin to live out that true message of Christmas right now as you begin to experience the new light of freedom more than living in the shadows and darkness of your old fears. You are worth so much more than your fears have led you to believe and you don’t have to stay stuck in the relationship cancer of abuse for one more second because this is your time to come alive by making some bold decisions to move forward to a better place by God’s grace. This is your time to change. Know that you are not alone on that journey and that there are safe people to help.
If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or logging onto www.NDVH.org
References for more in-depth study & analysis on Domestic Violence:
(American Bar Association) - http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html
(American College of Emergency Physicians) -http://www.acep.org/webportal/PatientsConsumers/HealthSubjectsByTopic/Violence/FactSheetDomesticViolence.htm
(American Academy of Family Physicians) - http://familydoctor.org/052.xml
(Checklist for Leaving an Abuser)- http://womenshealth.gov/violence/checklist/
(Domestic Violence Hurts the Whole Family, Healthy Roads Media - Multi-language site) - http://www.healthyroadsmedia.org/topics/abuse.htm
(Domestic Violence Special Events- Family Violence Prevention Fund)- http://www.endabuse.org/newsflash/index.php3?Search=Article&NewsFlashID=794
(Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women)- http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/
(Know Your Rights on Domestic Violence, American Bar Association - Links to PDF) http://www.abanet.org/domviol/knowrights.pdfhttp://www.abanet.org/domviol/conozcaderechos.pdf
(Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research) - http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044
(National Center for Injury Prevention and Control)- http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009). Receive our valuable weekly counseling eNews at no cost by subscribing at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Understanding the psychological dynamics of domestic violence
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Her cries for help in the middle of the night startled us awake and when we turned on the lights and let our neighbor inside, the red welts on her arms and face shocked us even more. “How could he do this to you?” My mother asked, and all she could sob out was “He didn’t mean to do it, please don’t call the police.”
That was my first exposure to domestic violence almost 35 years ago yet I can still vividly remember the look of terror in her eyes after being beat up by her husband, (who was so out of control that he had actually pulled out a weapon to use against her). She ran for her life, but an hour later as the police were handcuffing him for transport to the jail, she was begging them to leave him alone so she could take care of him. It was a long night for everyone, but the next day it was like nothing had ever happened, because it was never discussed again. Nothing ever changed at that house for years until a sudden divorce ended the marriage and they just went their separate ways.
It baffled my teenage mind back then that someone would treat the woman they had promised to love like a punching bag; yet now it breaks my heart even more to know how common it is for someone to be abused, yet often feel too afraid to call out for help; so the violence continues behind closed doors in every part of our community while the victims suffer alone in silence.
Every House a Safe House
Slowly think about the word “home” in your mind. Does it stir up feelings of peace, safety, belonging, comfort and love? Or does that seem like an impossible concept because life at your house is more about panic than peace?
Domestic violence shelters are often referred to as ‘safe houses’ because they are hidden away from the general public to allow the victims of abuse to be in a protected environment away from any violence or threat of abuse to heal. I’m glad there are safe houses to help wounded people rebuild their lives; however, I believe God’s design for the family was to see every house as a safe house where people could connect to each other heart to heart and soul to soul.
Sadly many people try to avoid thinking about how common domestic violence is because once their eyes are opened to the harsh reality of this abusive behavior they see the urgent need to do something to stop it. Here are some startling statistics to show you how big this problem really is. As you read through these very sad numbers I hope it will prepare you to take positive action to make sure your house is always the safest place for your family and to be better equipped to reach out and support the people you care about most.
Domestic violence can vary in frequency and severity. It occurs on a continuum, ranging from one hit that may or may not impact the victim to chronic, severe battering. Repeated abuse is also known as battering.
~American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is a serious, preventable public health problem affecting more than 32 million Americans, that is more than 10% of the U.S. population which results in nearly 2 million injuries and 1,300 deaths nationwide every year. (Centers for Disease Control)
85% of domestic violence is directed toward women. (National Crime Victimization Survey)
31% of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. (Commonwealth Fund Survey of Women’s Health)
30% of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year. (Family Violence Prevention Fund)
On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data)
Eighty percent of women who are stalked by former husbands are physically assaulted by that partner and 30 percent are sexually assaulted by that partner. (Center for Policy Research; ‘Stalking in America’).
More than 1 million women and 371,000 men are stalked by intimate partners each year. (Tjaden & Thoennes, National Violence Against Women Survey, Department of Justice)
Previous literature suggests that women who have separated from their abusive partners often remain at risk of violence (Campbell et al. 2003; Fleury, Sullivan and Bybee 2000).
Between 4% and 8% of pregnant women are abused at least once during the pregnancy (Maternal and Child Health Journal)
Pregnant and recently pregnant women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause and evidence exists that a significant proportion of all female homicide victims are killed by their intimate partners. (Journal of the American Medical Association)
Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. (Journal of the American Medical Association)
Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 reported knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll)
In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children. (Physical Violence in American Families; Strauss, Gelles and Smith)
Studies suggest that between 3.3 -10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually. (Carlson, Bonnie E., ‘Children's observations of interpersonal violence.’ Report of the Twenty-Third Ross Roundtable. Ross Laboratories).
Domestic violence can and does happen to people of all ages, races, and socioeconomic and educational backgrounds. Without help, abuse will continue and could worsen. Though there are no typical victims of domestic violence, abusive relationships do share similar characteristics. In all cases, the abuser aims to exert power and control over his partner. Many resources are available to help you understand your options and to support you. No one deserves to be abused. ~ Mayo Clinic
Relationship Cancer Kills
Did you sense the despair and hopelessness reflected in those statistics? I sure did and that’s why I really want you to understand what to do to find freedom from the silent and shameful secrets of abuse that ruins the home life of millions of people in our country. I view the abusive behavior of domestic violence as a form of deadly cancer in the relationship, and relationship cancer kills!
We plead with people to pay attention to the early warning signs and symptoms of cancer, which often can save their physical life. In the same way if we take positive action to deal directly with this manipulative and mean behavior we might save our relationship from being destroyed.
Think of it this way; a girl and guy meet, then fall in love, get engaged, and a few months later make promises to love each other forever during a wedding ceremony in front of God and their closest friends and family members. And then an astounding number, (almost one third), of these couples begin to slide into the process of moving from caring for each other to one person trying to control the other and calling it ‘love’ when in fact love had nothing to do with it.
Abuse is about power and control not about anger
This next section is to help you or someone you love to understand what to do to break out of the destructive cycle of domestic violence and abusive behavior. Many people want to believe that it’s just a little too much anger, or they try to excuse the behavior as being something cultural or generational because their family of origin is just ‘louder’ than other families.
So how can you tell if it’s abuse? Here are some key indicators to consider as you begin to study this important subject that will allow you to protect yourself, your kids or to more effectively reach out to others you may know who are really struggling in this area.
Eight primary types of Domestic Violence and Spouse Abuse:
1) Physical-
(scratching; pushing; shoving; kicking, spitting, throwing, grabbing; biting; choking; shaking; slapping; punching; burning, restraining, hitting walls, breaking or throwing things)
2) Sexual-
(forcing a person to engage in a sexual act against their will through intimidation, restraint or physical violence. Includes being forced to watch or participate in perverse sexual behaviors)
3) Verbal-
(using words to shock or attack by twisting conversations into power struggles that the abuser must ‘win’ at all costs to prove that they are ‘right’. Extreme use of moody silence, criticism, sarcasm, guilt trips, deception or continual questioning and harassment. Using street slang, cursing, put-downs, insults or shouting to beat down the other person through forceful language and threatening tones of voice to utterly destroy their self worth, dignity and self-respect through verbal intimidation and aggression)
4) Emotional-
(playing ‘head games’, or otherwise attempting to make the other person feel ‘crazy’ or bad about themselves through blame shifting everything onto the victim; continual attacks against their self worth with feelings of guilt, or shame about themselves, their past mistakes or family secrets)
5) Financial-
(taking away access to family income or taking paychecks away to limit the ability to function financially, includes stealing money or secretive spying on spending or driving patterns in an effort to manipulate every area of daily life that involves spending to ‘trap’ the victim into staying by eliminating any opportunity to travel to friends or family who might help)
6) Isolation-
(continual attempts to prevent any access to healthy peers, parents, friends, neighbors or coworkers, often uses ‘jealously’ as the motivator, but the real motivation is to block out any other person who might support the victim in facing their fears to break out of the addictive cycle by seeking help to change. Common to see ‘tracking’ behavior through GPS on cell phones or mileage on the odometer of the car to insure complete obedience and compliance)
7) Bullying-
(threatening or intimidating with harsh words, hateful gestures, or hostile aggression toward the victim or toward their children, friends or family in order to manipulate the situation to get what they want when they want it. They set the rules as to what everyone in the house must do in order to keep the bully happy at all times. Treats everyone and everything as a possession to do with as they want)
8) Terrorist-
(open aggression, rage, hostility, assault, breaking things, open use of weapons, regular threats of serious injury or painful death to victim, children or pets if they don’t get their way. Stalking behavior fits in this aspect of domestic violence since the goal of the stalker is to create a feeling of intense fear, trauma and terror)
Tracking the toughest form of Relationship Cancer to fight
Now let’s consider one of the most common forms of abuse that creates a subtle relationship cancer inside of many marriage and family relationships, especially those who identify with the teachings of the Christian church and would classify religion and spiritual values to be highly important to them.
The category is emotional abuse, and I suspect that many of the people who utilize this form of aggressive and manipulative behavior don’t completely realize how totally devastating their words and feelings are that go along with this highly destructive and toughest form of abuse to tackle because it’s so hard for the violator to realize just how mean and hateful this form of abusive behavior really can be.
The extensive checklist below shows one of the most tolerated parts and still least understood forms of domestic violence dumped out on millions of victims and then minimized or justified away by the abuser who often misquotes the scripture that a wife is to submit to her husband, like a slave to a master, which is nothing even close to what God’s Word teaches about the Christian home being a place of incredible love and intimacy, and never of critical hostility or cold-hearted insensitivity.
It was written by my friend June Hunt, a Christian Counselor who is an author and founder of Hope for the Heart, a non-profit educational organization offering comprehensive resources from a biblical perspective. Think about your relationship, or someone you know as you answer the following indicators of this massive, but silent killer of marital closeness and intimate connection.
Emotional Abuse Indicators and Warning Signs
While all forms of mistreatment are emotionally abusive, certain behaviors can be overtly labeled as “emotional abuse.” An emotionally abusive behavior will fit into one of two categories: passive or aggressive.
Passive emotional abuse is characterized by:
— Withholding emotional support
— Withholding important information
— Withholding money and access to the checkbook
— Not giving appropriate attention or compliments
— Not listening or responding
— Not taking a fair share of responsibility
— Not respecting your rights, opinions or feelings
— Sulking and brooding
— Using the “silent treatment”
— Choosing to be irritable
— Manipulating the children
— Neglecting important family gatherings
— Failing to return home at a reasonable time
— Refusing to help with children or housework
— Refusing help to overcome an addiction (drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling)
— Refusing to express true feelings
— Refusing to leave when asked
— Keeping weapons in order to frighten you
Aggressive emotional abuse is characterized by:
— Isolating you from family and friends
— Not allowing you to have any part in major decisions
— Rushing your decision-making through intimidation
— Intimidating looks or body language
— Blocking the doorway when arguing
— Hiding car keys as a means of control
— Breaking promises or not keeping agreements
— Making threatening gestures
— Driving recklessly to instill fear
— Excessive jealousy and suspicion
— Prohibiting sleep
— Damaging treasured items
— Excessive anger
— Continually checking up on you
— Interfering with your work
— Monitoring your phone calls
— Making unwanted calls or visits
__ Following or stalking you
If you found this check-list helpful, I encourage you to check out the extensive Biblical Counseling Key June Hunt wrote on this subject, called “Verbal & Emotional Abuse” or “Wife Abuse,” You will find it listed with almost 100 other Biblical Counseling Keys and counseling audio podcasts at her homepage www.Hopefortheheart.org
What next? Take bold action to break the cycle!
Domestic violence is wrong and any form of abusive behavior that goes along with it is equally wrong. If you have seen sign or symptoms in the indicators above, don’t panic, begin to face it and build a stronger and better life. However, let me be quick to say that if you are in a dangerous situation, please let the people around you help out.
There are hotlines, counselors, pastors, friends, extended family, police officers, nurses, doctors, lawyers, family law judges and most importantly, survivors. These are people who were able to break out of the abusive cycle with new boundaries and supports and have regained their strength so they often will be your best source of encouragement to help you onto a new journey of healing and peace. But only if you let them by reaching out and asking for it.
If you are really afraid to do anything about the abuse and violence in your home, let me encourage you with these words- “You could be the next strong survivor beginning right now, if you have reached a point to say ‘enough!’ ‘This is it and I’m never going to allow some fearful things to block the best things that God wants for my life!’”
I believe that you read this far because you are ready for a change so I’ll look forward to hearing your story in the days ahead; about how you, or perhaps you and some friends came together to take positive action to make your house a safe one. Several times a year I’ll hear back from someone who took that next step to reach out to the safe people who were able to help them cross over to a new level of living without the fear of abuse and it changed their lives forever. God’s desire for you and your closest relationships is peace, comfort, contentment, security and connection. When you open up your eyes to look beyond the fear of abuse- you’ll be able to see that the freedom of a better life is available to you too. Isn’t that the very good news of the message the angels sang on the night Christ was born, “Peace on earth- Goodwill to men!”
It is my prayer that you begin to live out that true message of Christmas right now as you begin to experience the new light of freedom more than living in the shadows and darkness of your old fears. You are worth so much more than your fears have led you to believe and you don’t have to stay stuck in the relationship cancer of abuse for one more second because this is your time to come alive by making some bold decisions to move forward to a better place by God’s grace. This is your time to change. Know that you are not alone on that journey and that there are safe people to help.
If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or logging onto www.NDVH.org
References for more in-depth study & analysis on Domestic Violence:
(American Bar Association) - http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html
(American College of Emergency Physicians) -http://www.acep.org/webportal/PatientsConsumers/HealthSubjectsByTopic/Violence/FactSheetDomesticViolence.htm
(American Academy of Family Physicians) - http://familydoctor.org/052.xml
(Checklist for Leaving an Abuser)- http://womenshealth.gov/violence/checklist/
(Domestic Violence Hurts the Whole Family, Healthy Roads Media - Multi-language site) - http://www.healthyroadsmedia.org/topics/abuse.htm
(Domestic Violence Special Events- Family Violence Prevention Fund)- http://www.endabuse.org/newsflash/index.php3?Search=Article&NewsFlashID=794
(Department of Justice, Office on Violence Against Women)- http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/
(Know Your Rights on Domestic Violence, American Bar Association - Links to PDF) http://www.abanet.org/domviol/knowrights.pdfhttp://www.abanet.org/domviol/conozcaderechos.pdf
(Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research) - http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044
(National Center for Injury Prevention and Control)- http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009). Receive our valuable weekly counseling eNews at no cost by subscribing at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Keep your new year resolutions with tips from Master Coach- Jim Rohn
Making Your New Year Goals Count
by Jim Rohn, best-selling author and Master Coach
As we enter into this New Year we all tend to have a heightened sense of the opportunities and possibilities that it can bring. The need for goal-setting becomes more obvious and clear. And the great thing about goal-setting is you can keep it as simple or get as elaborate as you would like. Here are some abbreviated points on goal-setting for the New Year.
I've often said the major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get. That is why goals are so powerful - they are part of the fabric that makes up our lives. And goal-setting is where we create our goals.
Goal-setting is powerful, partly because it provides focus. It shapes our dreams. It gives us the ability to hone in on the exact actions we need to perform to achieve everything we desire in life. Goals are GREAT because they cause us to stretch and grow in ways that we never have before. In order to reach our goals we must become better. We must change and grow.
Also, goals provide long-term vision in our lives. We all need lots of powerful, long-range goals to help us get past short-term obstacles. Life is designed in such a way that we look long-term and live short-term. We dream for the future and live in the present. Unfortunately, the present can produce many difficult obstacles. But fortunately, the more powerful our goals (because they are inspiring and believable) the more we will be able to act on them in the short-term and guarantee that they will actually come to pass!
So, let's take a closer look at the topic of goal-setting and see how we can make it forceful as well as practical. What are the key aspects to learn and remember when studying and writing our goals?
1. Evaluation and Reflection.
The only way we can reasonably decide what we want in the future and how we will get there is to first know where we are right now and what our level of satisfaction is for where we are in life. So first take some time and think through and write down your current situation, then ask this question on each key point - is that okay?
The purpose of evaluation is two-fold. First, it gives you an objective way to look at your accomplishments and your pursuit of the vision you have for your life. Secondly, it is to show you where you are so you can determine where you need to go. In other words, it gives you a baseline from which to work.
I would strongly encourage you to take a couple of hours this week to evaluate and reflect. At the beginning of this month we encourage you to see where you are and write it down so that as the months progress and you continue a regular time of evaluation and reflection, you will see just how much ground you will be gaining - and that will be exciting!
2. What are Your Dreams and Goals?
These are the dreams and goals that are born out of your own heart and mind. These are the goals that are unique to you and come from who you were created to be and gifted to become. So second, make a list of all the things you desire for the future.
One of the amazing things we have been given as humans is the unquenchable desire to have dreams of a better life, and the ability to establish goals to live out those dreams. Think of it: We can look deep within our hearts and dream of a better situation for ourselves and our families; dream of better financial lives and better emotional or physical lives; certainly dream of better spiritual lives. But what makes this even more powerful is that we have also been given the ability to not only dream but to pursue those dreams and not just pursue them, but the cognitive ability to actually lay out a plan and strategies (setting goals) to achieve those dreams. Powerful!
What are your dreams and goals? This isn't what you already have or what you have done, but what you want. Have you ever really sat down and thought through your life values and decided what you really want? Have you ever taken the time to truly reflect, to listen quietly to your heart, to see what dreams live within you? Your dreams are there. Everyone has them. They may live right on the surface, or they may be buried deep from years of others telling you they were foolish, but they are there.
So how do we know what our dreams are? This is an interesting process and it relates primarily to the art of listening. This is not listening to others; it is listening to yourself. If we listen to others, we hear their plans and dreams (and many will try to put their plans and dreams on us). If we listen to others, we can never be fulfilled. We will only chase elusive dreams that are not rooted deep within us. No, we must listen to our own hearts.
Here are some practical steps/thoughts on hearing from our hearts on what our dreams are:
Take time to be quiet. This is something that we don't do enough in this busy world of ours. We rush, rush, rush, and we are constantly listening to noise all around us. The human heart was meant for times of quiet, to peer deep within. It is when we do this that our hearts are set free to soar and take flight on the wings of our own dreams! Schedule some quiet "dream time" this week. No other people. No cell phone. No computer. Just you, a pad, a pen, and your thoughts.
Think about what really thrills you. When you are quiet, think about those things that really get your blood moving. What would you LOVE to do, either for fun or for a living? What would you love to accomplish? What would you try if you were guaranteed to succeed? What big thoughts move your heart into a state of excitement and joy? When you answer these questions you will feel GREAT and you will be in the "dream zone." It is only when we get to this point that we experience what OUR dreams are!
Write down all of your dreams as you have them. Don't think of any as too outlandish or foolish - remember, you're dreaming! Let the thoughts fly and take careful record.
Now, prioritize those dreams. Which are most important? Which are most feasible? Which would you love to do the most? Put them in the order in which you will actually try to attain them. Remember, we are always moving toward action, not just dreaming.
3. S.M.A.R.T. Goals.
S.M.A.R.T. means Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive.
I really like this acronym S.M.A.R.T., because we want to be smart when we set our goals. We want to intelligently decide what our goals will be so that we can actually accomplish them. We want to set the goals that our heart conceives, our minds believe and that our bodies will carry out. Let's take a closer look at each of the components of S.M.A.R.T. goals:
Specific: Goals are no place to waffle. They are no place to be vague. Ambiguous goals produce ambiguous results. Incomplete goals produce incomplete futures.
Measurable: Always set goals that are measurable. I would say "specifically measurable" to take into account our principle of being specific as well.
Attainable: One of the detrimental things that many people do - and they do it with good intentions - is to set goals that are so high they are unattainable.
Realistic: The root word of realistic is "real." A goal has to be something that we can reasonably make "real" or a "reality" in our lives. There are some goals that simply are not realistic. You have to be able to say, even if it is a tremendously stretching goal, that yes, indeed, it is entirely realistic -- that you could make it. You may even have to say that it will take x, y, and z to do it, but if those happen, then it can be done. This is in no way to say it shouldn't be a big goal, but it must be realistic.
Time: Every goal should have a time frame attached to it. I think that life itself is much more productive if there is a time frame connected to it. Could you imagine how much procrastination there would be on earth if people never died? We would never get "around to it." We could always put it off. One of the powerful aspects of a great goal is that it has an end, a time in which you are shooting to accomplish it. You start working on it because you know there is an end. As time goes by you work on it because you don't want to get behind. As it approaches, you work diligently because you want to meet the deadline. You may even have to break down a big goal into different parts of measurement and time frames. That is okay. Set smaller goals and work them out in their own time. A S.M.A.R.T. goal has a timeline.
4. Accountability (A contract with yourself or someone else).
When someone knows what your goals are, they hold you accountable by asking you to "give an account" of where you are in the process of achieving that goal. Accountability puts some teeth into the process. If a goal is set and only one person knows it, does it really have any power? Many times, no. At the very least, it isn't as powerful as if you have one or more other people who can hold you accountable to your goal.
So: Evaluate/Reflect; Decide What You Want; Be S.M.A.R.T.; Have Accountability. When you put these 4 key pieces together, you are putting yourself in a position of power that will catapult you toward achieving your goals.
Reproduced with permission from Jim Rohn's Weekly E-zine. To subscribe, go to www.JimRohn.com All contents Copyright © JimRohn.com except where indicated otherwise. All rights reserved worldwide. Duplication or reprints only with express permission or approved Credits. All trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
by Jim Rohn, best-selling author and Master Coach
As we enter into this New Year we all tend to have a heightened sense of the opportunities and possibilities that it can bring. The need for goal-setting becomes more obvious and clear. And the great thing about goal-setting is you can keep it as simple or get as elaborate as you would like. Here are some abbreviated points on goal-setting for the New Year.
I've often said the major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get. That is why goals are so powerful - they are part of the fabric that makes up our lives. And goal-setting is where we create our goals.
Goal-setting is powerful, partly because it provides focus. It shapes our dreams. It gives us the ability to hone in on the exact actions we need to perform to achieve everything we desire in life. Goals are GREAT because they cause us to stretch and grow in ways that we never have before. In order to reach our goals we must become better. We must change and grow.
Also, goals provide long-term vision in our lives. We all need lots of powerful, long-range goals to help us get past short-term obstacles. Life is designed in such a way that we look long-term and live short-term. We dream for the future and live in the present. Unfortunately, the present can produce many difficult obstacles. But fortunately, the more powerful our goals (because they are inspiring and believable) the more we will be able to act on them in the short-term and guarantee that they will actually come to pass!
So, let's take a closer look at the topic of goal-setting and see how we can make it forceful as well as practical. What are the key aspects to learn and remember when studying and writing our goals?
1. Evaluation and Reflection.
The only way we can reasonably decide what we want in the future and how we will get there is to first know where we are right now and what our level of satisfaction is for where we are in life. So first take some time and think through and write down your current situation, then ask this question on each key point - is that okay?
The purpose of evaluation is two-fold. First, it gives you an objective way to look at your accomplishments and your pursuit of the vision you have for your life. Secondly, it is to show you where you are so you can determine where you need to go. In other words, it gives you a baseline from which to work.
I would strongly encourage you to take a couple of hours this week to evaluate and reflect. At the beginning of this month we encourage you to see where you are and write it down so that as the months progress and you continue a regular time of evaluation and reflection, you will see just how much ground you will be gaining - and that will be exciting!
2. What are Your Dreams and Goals?
These are the dreams and goals that are born out of your own heart and mind. These are the goals that are unique to you and come from who you were created to be and gifted to become. So second, make a list of all the things you desire for the future.
One of the amazing things we have been given as humans is the unquenchable desire to have dreams of a better life, and the ability to establish goals to live out those dreams. Think of it: We can look deep within our hearts and dream of a better situation for ourselves and our families; dream of better financial lives and better emotional or physical lives; certainly dream of better spiritual lives. But what makes this even more powerful is that we have also been given the ability to not only dream but to pursue those dreams and not just pursue them, but the cognitive ability to actually lay out a plan and strategies (setting goals) to achieve those dreams. Powerful!
What are your dreams and goals? This isn't what you already have or what you have done, but what you want. Have you ever really sat down and thought through your life values and decided what you really want? Have you ever taken the time to truly reflect, to listen quietly to your heart, to see what dreams live within you? Your dreams are there. Everyone has them. They may live right on the surface, or they may be buried deep from years of others telling you they were foolish, but they are there.
So how do we know what our dreams are? This is an interesting process and it relates primarily to the art of listening. This is not listening to others; it is listening to yourself. If we listen to others, we hear their plans and dreams (and many will try to put their plans and dreams on us). If we listen to others, we can never be fulfilled. We will only chase elusive dreams that are not rooted deep within us. No, we must listen to our own hearts.
Here are some practical steps/thoughts on hearing from our hearts on what our dreams are:
Take time to be quiet. This is something that we don't do enough in this busy world of ours. We rush, rush, rush, and we are constantly listening to noise all around us. The human heart was meant for times of quiet, to peer deep within. It is when we do this that our hearts are set free to soar and take flight on the wings of our own dreams! Schedule some quiet "dream time" this week. No other people. No cell phone. No computer. Just you, a pad, a pen, and your thoughts.
Think about what really thrills you. When you are quiet, think about those things that really get your blood moving. What would you LOVE to do, either for fun or for a living? What would you love to accomplish? What would you try if you were guaranteed to succeed? What big thoughts move your heart into a state of excitement and joy? When you answer these questions you will feel GREAT and you will be in the "dream zone." It is only when we get to this point that we experience what OUR dreams are!
Write down all of your dreams as you have them. Don't think of any as too outlandish or foolish - remember, you're dreaming! Let the thoughts fly and take careful record.
Now, prioritize those dreams. Which are most important? Which are most feasible? Which would you love to do the most? Put them in the order in which you will actually try to attain them. Remember, we are always moving toward action, not just dreaming.
3. S.M.A.R.T. Goals.
S.M.A.R.T. means Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive.
I really like this acronym S.M.A.R.T., because we want to be smart when we set our goals. We want to intelligently decide what our goals will be so that we can actually accomplish them. We want to set the goals that our heart conceives, our minds believe and that our bodies will carry out. Let's take a closer look at each of the components of S.M.A.R.T. goals:
Specific: Goals are no place to waffle. They are no place to be vague. Ambiguous goals produce ambiguous results. Incomplete goals produce incomplete futures.
Measurable: Always set goals that are measurable. I would say "specifically measurable" to take into account our principle of being specific as well.
Attainable: One of the detrimental things that many people do - and they do it with good intentions - is to set goals that are so high they are unattainable.
Realistic: The root word of realistic is "real." A goal has to be something that we can reasonably make "real" or a "reality" in our lives. There are some goals that simply are not realistic. You have to be able to say, even if it is a tremendously stretching goal, that yes, indeed, it is entirely realistic -- that you could make it. You may even have to say that it will take x, y, and z to do it, but if those happen, then it can be done. This is in no way to say it shouldn't be a big goal, but it must be realistic.
Time: Every goal should have a time frame attached to it. I think that life itself is much more productive if there is a time frame connected to it. Could you imagine how much procrastination there would be on earth if people never died? We would never get "around to it." We could always put it off. One of the powerful aspects of a great goal is that it has an end, a time in which you are shooting to accomplish it. You start working on it because you know there is an end. As time goes by you work on it because you don't want to get behind. As it approaches, you work diligently because you want to meet the deadline. You may even have to break down a big goal into different parts of measurement and time frames. That is okay. Set smaller goals and work them out in their own time. A S.M.A.R.T. goal has a timeline.
4. Accountability (A contract with yourself or someone else).
When someone knows what your goals are, they hold you accountable by asking you to "give an account" of where you are in the process of achieving that goal. Accountability puts some teeth into the process. If a goal is set and only one person knows it, does it really have any power? Many times, no. At the very least, it isn't as powerful as if you have one or more other people who can hold you accountable to your goal.
So: Evaluate/Reflect; Decide What You Want; Be S.M.A.R.T.; Have Accountability. When you put these 4 key pieces together, you are putting yourself in a position of power that will catapult you toward achieving your goals.
Reproduced with permission from Jim Rohn's Weekly E-zine. To subscribe, go to www.JimRohn.com All contents Copyright © JimRohn.com except where indicated otherwise. All rights reserved worldwide. Duplication or reprints only with express permission or approved Credits. All trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Helping kids not worry about wars and world conflicts
Kids and War Anxiety- What Can Parents Do?
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
In the midst of war situations around the world, many parents are wondering what can be done to protect their kids from additional stress and anxiety. Here are some helpful steps to make sure your son or daughter is not worried about world events or wars, so they can be focused on just enjoying being a child.
Watch for the warning signs of anxiety.
Here are some of the symptoms and behaviors that may indicate your child has been overexposed to the traumatic emotions that follow a crisis situation. Remember that your main goal is to protect the child and not minimize or deny their emotional symptoms. The more symptoms present, the greater the need for the child to receive additional support and care from family, clergy, or a counseling or medical professional.
- Major changes in energy level, especially lethargy or helplessness
- Heightened fear and worry about the war, or being bombed or attacked
- Changes in sleep patterns, especially nightmares or night terrors
- Regressive behavior, (e.g. "baby talk", clingy to parents or bedwetting)
- Preoccupation with loss of parents or being stranded without parents
- Major shift in school performance, aggression, withdrawal or apathy
- Angry explosions or depressive moodiness
- Withdrawal from normal activities at home, church or school
- Avoidance of friends, family or pets by going into an emotional "cocoon"
Any of the above symptoms are normal reactions to a crisis and may not indicate a need for professional counseling, however it is important to watch for major changes in your child's attitude, personality or behavior to know how to help them cope. Here are some action steps that you can begin to use to reduce pressure on your children and keep them emotionally and physically safe.
What can parents do to lessen the impact of war anxiety?
Here are some positive action steps that you can take to help your child avoid the negative impacts of anxiety over a war situation anywhere in the world.
Take care of yourself
Since children draw much of their security from their parents, it is important to keep yourself well grounded and supported. Spend more time with healthy family, friends or church members during this time to make sure that you aren't overly anxious and subtly passing that anxiety along to your children. Just like the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling of the plane and the flight attendants instruct parents to put their masks on first, you have to stay as balanced as possible to effectively care for your child during this stressful time.
Be aware and be available
World crisis events are a time for extra precautions, but not extra fear. Notice your surroundings, and if the child is old enough, you can talk about the importance of being safe by locking doors, or looking up and noticing cars in parking lots that may be backing out, (as opposed to running through parking lots like children have a tendency to do). Pay more attention to being available for your child, to talk, pray or play. As you heighten your level of involvement and support, your child will be less likely to feel afraid.
Watch your talk
It is recommended that you never discuss your greatest fears with your children, but rather use discernment in discussing your opinions about war situations on the telephone or with your friends or coworkers if your child could overhear the conversation. Wisdom requires you to guard your tongue around children during difficult times to protect them from being overly worried or afraid. It is okay to discuss the facts of a war with older children, but then move into a discussion of how we should pray for our troops defending our freedoms, and how there sacrifices allow us to feel safe in this country. Talk is one of the best ways to help a child feel secure, so ask questions and then just listen to allow your child a chance to release their fears in a safe way.
Monitor media and guard images
Television images are extremely powerful and vivid in a child's mind. With this in mind, you should take great care to avoid having the television on 24/7, but rather limit the exposure to media images. If you feel like you do have to have the set on, (which is not recommended), then turn the sound off. Talk about the positives of your family being together, or an answered prayer, instead of focusing on the negative elements of a war situation. Guide your children into working on the elements of what is happening in their world, as opposed to events on the other side of the world. Protecting your child from harsh media images will protect them from having to struggle to get those images out of their head in the future, and that makes for a healthier and happier child.
Routine, schedule and rules
Children draw security from a predictable schedule. Build a regular set of morning and evening rituals, like getting ready for school or bedtime stories or prayer time; also pay attention to include meal time and personal hygiene rituals that are age appropriate for your child. Even little guys and gals can help to take their plate from the table to the kitchen counter, or take more ownership of their daily rituals. This actually takes stress off of Mom and Dad as the child grows in independence through the years, but it is even more helpful for the child to feel the sense of empowerment from knowing what do to as they begin and end their day. The rules are always the rules, even if there is a war, so be consistent with your family boundaries to help everyone feel more secure by not allowing chaos to erupt from neglecting the established rules for household behavior.
Reconnect to family, friends and faith
Crisis events are an excellent time to reach out to spend more time with friends or family members. If you don't have family nearby, connect with a local church or house of faith that has activities designed for you and your child. The additional socialization will help to build a sense of security from having others to go through this experience with, as well as allow every member of your family to be more aware of God's love and protection. As a suggestion, read Bible verses on finding comfort during difficult times, like this one in Psalm 91: 9-10: "If you make the most High your dwelling-even the Lord, who is my refuge-then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near you. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." The Bible has hundreds of reassuring promises of peace and comfort during fearful times. Now is a perfect time to search out those verses and teach your children the importance of a personal faith of strong beliefs to directly face the challenges of life.
Focus on hope, instead of helplessness
Don’t be afraid, because our country will make it through these difficult times. As you build these coping skills and life management principles into your home, your children will actually be stronger and less afraid of crisis events because they will be more aware of how to face their anxiety with the assurance of God's supernatural protection and peace. Know that you are not alone so keep reading helpful articles like this to stay positive from gaining practical insights on helping you and your kids to grow stronger during times of stress in the days ahead.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park, FL"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
In the midst of war situations around the world, many parents are wondering what can be done to protect their kids from additional stress and anxiety. Here are some helpful steps to make sure your son or daughter is not worried about world events or wars, so they can be focused on just enjoying being a child.
Watch for the warning signs of anxiety.
Here are some of the symptoms and behaviors that may indicate your child has been overexposed to the traumatic emotions that follow a crisis situation. Remember that your main goal is to protect the child and not minimize or deny their emotional symptoms. The more symptoms present, the greater the need for the child to receive additional support and care from family, clergy, or a counseling or medical professional.
- Major changes in energy level, especially lethargy or helplessness
- Heightened fear and worry about the war, or being bombed or attacked
- Changes in sleep patterns, especially nightmares or night terrors
- Regressive behavior, (e.g. "baby talk", clingy to parents or bedwetting)
- Preoccupation with loss of parents or being stranded without parents
- Major shift in school performance, aggression, withdrawal or apathy
- Angry explosions or depressive moodiness
- Withdrawal from normal activities at home, church or school
- Avoidance of friends, family or pets by going into an emotional "cocoon"
Any of the above symptoms are normal reactions to a crisis and may not indicate a need for professional counseling, however it is important to watch for major changes in your child's attitude, personality or behavior to know how to help them cope. Here are some action steps that you can begin to use to reduce pressure on your children and keep them emotionally and physically safe.
What can parents do to lessen the impact of war anxiety?
Here are some positive action steps that you can take to help your child avoid the negative impacts of anxiety over a war situation anywhere in the world.
Take care of yourself
Since children draw much of their security from their parents, it is important to keep yourself well grounded and supported. Spend more time with healthy family, friends or church members during this time to make sure that you aren't overly anxious and subtly passing that anxiety along to your children. Just like the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling of the plane and the flight attendants instruct parents to put their masks on first, you have to stay as balanced as possible to effectively care for your child during this stressful time.
Be aware and be available
World crisis events are a time for extra precautions, but not extra fear. Notice your surroundings, and if the child is old enough, you can talk about the importance of being safe by locking doors, or looking up and noticing cars in parking lots that may be backing out, (as opposed to running through parking lots like children have a tendency to do). Pay more attention to being available for your child, to talk, pray or play. As you heighten your level of involvement and support, your child will be less likely to feel afraid.
Watch your talk
It is recommended that you never discuss your greatest fears with your children, but rather use discernment in discussing your opinions about war situations on the telephone or with your friends or coworkers if your child could overhear the conversation. Wisdom requires you to guard your tongue around children during difficult times to protect them from being overly worried or afraid. It is okay to discuss the facts of a war with older children, but then move into a discussion of how we should pray for our troops defending our freedoms, and how there sacrifices allow us to feel safe in this country. Talk is one of the best ways to help a child feel secure, so ask questions and then just listen to allow your child a chance to release their fears in a safe way.
Monitor media and guard images
Television images are extremely powerful and vivid in a child's mind. With this in mind, you should take great care to avoid having the television on 24/7, but rather limit the exposure to media images. If you feel like you do have to have the set on, (which is not recommended), then turn the sound off. Talk about the positives of your family being together, or an answered prayer, instead of focusing on the negative elements of a war situation. Guide your children into working on the elements of what is happening in their world, as opposed to events on the other side of the world. Protecting your child from harsh media images will protect them from having to struggle to get those images out of their head in the future, and that makes for a healthier and happier child.
Routine, schedule and rules
Children draw security from a predictable schedule. Build a regular set of morning and evening rituals, like getting ready for school or bedtime stories or prayer time; also pay attention to include meal time and personal hygiene rituals that are age appropriate for your child. Even little guys and gals can help to take their plate from the table to the kitchen counter, or take more ownership of their daily rituals. This actually takes stress off of Mom and Dad as the child grows in independence through the years, but it is even more helpful for the child to feel the sense of empowerment from knowing what do to as they begin and end their day. The rules are always the rules, even if there is a war, so be consistent with your family boundaries to help everyone feel more secure by not allowing chaos to erupt from neglecting the established rules for household behavior.
Reconnect to family, friends and faith
Crisis events are an excellent time to reach out to spend more time with friends or family members. If you don't have family nearby, connect with a local church or house of faith that has activities designed for you and your child. The additional socialization will help to build a sense of security from having others to go through this experience with, as well as allow every member of your family to be more aware of God's love and protection. As a suggestion, read Bible verses on finding comfort during difficult times, like this one in Psalm 91: 9-10: "If you make the most High your dwelling-even the Lord, who is my refuge-then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near you. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." The Bible has hundreds of reassuring promises of peace and comfort during fearful times. Now is a perfect time to search out those verses and teach your children the importance of a personal faith of strong beliefs to directly face the challenges of life.
Focus on hope, instead of helplessness
Don’t be afraid, because our country will make it through these difficult times. As you build these coping skills and life management principles into your home, your children will actually be stronger and less afraid of crisis events because they will be more aware of how to face their anxiety with the assurance of God's supernatural protection and peace. Know that you are not alone so keep reading helpful articles like this to stay positive from gaining practical insights on helping you and your kids to grow stronger during times of stress in the days ahead.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park, FL"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Fat Kids feel pain- understanding childhood obesity
Fat Kids Feeling Pain: Looking inside childhood obesity
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
I KNOW ABOUT THIS SUBJECT DIRECTLY, since during most of my school years I was that fat kid. Teasing and joking about my weight was a daily issue, so I learned to laugh on the outside, and eventually to ignore the pain on the inside. When the discouragement and loneliness would creep in, I could just cover it up with food. Not just any food, mind you— sweet-salty-crunchy food, like chips and snack cakes.
I didn’t know it was called “comfort food” in those days, but I knew that it brought relief for a while. I also knew that was better than having to deal with the anger and resentment of how I was rejected and humiliated by my classmates.
Even though I hated being the fat kid, after a while I stopped trying to diet. I would always fail, which led to more pain, hurt and embarrassment. Yes, I thought about being fat constantly, but never told my family or anyone else about my feelings of despair. I hated how food controlled my life, but that’s just the way it was. I accepted the role of being the lonely, fat kid and tried to cope any way I could.
My dysfunctional eating pattern felt normal to me, and it is still extremely common among overweight boys and girls.
I don’t like my body…
I’m unhappy…
I eat to feel good…
I feel bad…leading back to…
I don’t like my body…
This destructive cycle followed me through elementary, middle and high school, and was a way to cover up the anxiety, loneliness, boredom, stress, anger and sadness that often felt as though they were crushing me to death from the inside out. As counselors and parents, we can, and must, be aware of the emotional connection between food and mood. Eating disorders are more common than ever in children and involve four distinct characteristics.
1. Lack of self-worth— “I don’t like myself ”
2. Lack of socialization— “I don’t have any friends”
3. Lack of emotional expression— “I’m okay, just hungry”
4. Lack of inner peace— “I’m never happy”
The more of these symptoms you notice in children who are excessively overweight, the more likely you are dealing with a very hurt and lonely child. Take a chance to talk to them, or better yet, tell your story of dealing with emotions in a healthy way and reach out to encourage that guy or gal who is desperate for anyone to accept them in spite of their body size. Love them just the way that they are now, and then gently guide them back to a healthy way of dealing with emotions, and eventually food. Start with emotional control and the physical control will follow.
Remember that lectures don’t work, but loving guidance does. Make the time to reach out with a message of hope. It will make a huge difference for the rest of their lives. Thankfully, my desperate feelings led me to accept Jesus Christ, the one friend who would never reject me because of my weight. With the love of my family, the guidance of a wise pastoral counselor, and God’s grace, I was able to deal with the stuffed emotions and learn to manage feelings without food. Now I have a chance to share my story with thousands of school age kids who use food to cope with pain in their lives—to challenge them to speak up instead of snack up, and to express their emotions instead of hiding them under a mountain of cookies and chocolate ice cream. I hope that you will take time to share that message of hope and acceptance to the hurting kids in your community as well.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park, FL"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
I KNOW ABOUT THIS SUBJECT DIRECTLY, since during most of my school years I was that fat kid. Teasing and joking about my weight was a daily issue, so I learned to laugh on the outside, and eventually to ignore the pain on the inside. When the discouragement and loneliness would creep in, I could just cover it up with food. Not just any food, mind you— sweet-salty-crunchy food, like chips and snack cakes.
I didn’t know it was called “comfort food” in those days, but I knew that it brought relief for a while. I also knew that was better than having to deal with the anger and resentment of how I was rejected and humiliated by my classmates.
Even though I hated being the fat kid, after a while I stopped trying to diet. I would always fail, which led to more pain, hurt and embarrassment. Yes, I thought about being fat constantly, but never told my family or anyone else about my feelings of despair. I hated how food controlled my life, but that’s just the way it was. I accepted the role of being the lonely, fat kid and tried to cope any way I could.
My dysfunctional eating pattern felt normal to me, and it is still extremely common among overweight boys and girls.
I don’t like my body…
I’m unhappy…
I eat to feel good…
I feel bad…leading back to…
I don’t like my body…
This destructive cycle followed me through elementary, middle and high school, and was a way to cover up the anxiety, loneliness, boredom, stress, anger and sadness that often felt as though they were crushing me to death from the inside out. As counselors and parents, we can, and must, be aware of the emotional connection between food and mood. Eating disorders are more common than ever in children and involve four distinct characteristics.
1. Lack of self-worth— “I don’t like myself ”
2. Lack of socialization— “I don’t have any friends”
3. Lack of emotional expression— “I’m okay, just hungry”
4. Lack of inner peace— “I’m never happy”
The more of these symptoms you notice in children who are excessively overweight, the more likely you are dealing with a very hurt and lonely child. Take a chance to talk to them, or better yet, tell your story of dealing with emotions in a healthy way and reach out to encourage that guy or gal who is desperate for anyone to accept them in spite of their body size. Love them just the way that they are now, and then gently guide them back to a healthy way of dealing with emotions, and eventually food. Start with emotional control and the physical control will follow.
Remember that lectures don’t work, but loving guidance does. Make the time to reach out with a message of hope. It will make a huge difference for the rest of their lives. Thankfully, my desperate feelings led me to accept Jesus Christ, the one friend who would never reject me because of my weight. With the love of my family, the guidance of a wise pastoral counselor, and God’s grace, I was able to deal with the stuffed emotions and learn to manage feelings without food. Now I have a chance to share my story with thousands of school age kids who use food to cope with pain in their lives—to challenge them to speak up instead of snack up, and to express their emotions instead of hiding them under a mountain of cookies and chocolate ice cream. I hope that you will take time to share that message of hope and acceptance to the hurting kids in your community as well.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park, FL"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
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