Saturday, February 6, 2010

pray to make it through the day

On the toughest days, remember to pray, journal and look forward in faith so that you don't feel overwhelmed by fear.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Does "The Shack" solve Childhood Trauma?

Does “The Shack” solve Childhood Trauma?
Commentary and review from Dwight Bain

“The Shack” is one of the most popular fiction books in the country with millions of copies in print. Could it be because the author, Paul Young, used this parable story to address the issue of finding resolution from his own childhood trauma? Here's an overview of "The Shack" as well as the testimony of the author, which explains much of his orientation in writing a book like this one; which was almost an autobiography of his own healing journey from sexual abuse and adultery. The author spoke in the Orlando area last year and I could hear his heart and motivation to write this book. Knowing the author will always give you a better understanding of the intended message, and often will help you to understand why so many people are connecting to this little paperback book about getting past their secrets, shame and pain to really feeling free in a relationship with God as their "Papa".

The Shack, by William Paul Young

Paul wrote this parable book at the urging of his wife for a Christmas gift for their 6 children, December 2005. Then copies from Kinko's were passed around between friends and family in 2006, and when not a single publisher, (Christian publishers thought it was too mystical, mainstream publishers though it too religious), would print the book, he shared it with two local pastors in Oregon, who created a publishing company specifically for this book. "Windblown Media", began in 2007 and pulled together a mere $300 to market the book. It began selling by the tens of thousands via their website, www.theshackbook.com with almost a million copies in print in just over 18 months, shattering all records for a self-published title. The "Shack” had its debut at No. 1 on the New York Times trade paperback fiction best-seller list It is No. 1 on Borders Group’s trade paperback fiction list, and at Barnes & Noble it has been No. 1 on the trade paperback list since May 2008. It is currently at #8 overall on Amazon.com in ranking of book sales out of the more than 2 million titles they carry on-line.

Theme:The title of the book is a metaphor for “the house you build out of your own pain”.

The goal is to go to the shack to be healed from the secret shame or hurts from your past by seeing God in a new way. Young views his journey of emotional and spiritual healing vicariously through the main character of 'Mack'. In hearing the author’s testimony about his motivation to write the book, he describes that it actually took him over 11 years to find the emotional and spiritual healing that the character Mack experienced in the shack with God in just a few days.

Early in the story Mack's youngest daughter is kidnapped and murdered by a serial killer. Four years later he is called to visit the shack where his daughter was murdered by a note from God. He spends a weekend there with God in the flesh, envisioned by the author as a large African-American woman, who calls herself “Papa”; Jesus, appears as a plain Jewish workman; and the Holy Spirit is portrayed as Sarayu, a translucent Asian woman who floats like the wind. (Sarayu is from a Hindu word meaning the gentle wind that catches you by surprise to refresh you).

The book is a parable story written for his children, not theology, so it can’t be taken literally, but rather is designed to be understood on a more personal level. This way you can go to your own ‘shack’ to find the answers that only God could give you. Although Paul describes that he wrote it only to help his kids not carry the terrible emotional and spiritual baggage that he has shouldered all his life as a Preachers Kid and Missionary Kid, (Who grew up among a stone age tribal group of near cannibals, known as "The Dani", in New Guinea, near West Papua). He was first sexually molested at age 4 and then throughout childhood by the tribe and then by older boys, although he never told his parents at that time. He still has a broken relationship with his biological father, who is alive and a pastor in Canada still. Paul speaks openly of how painful it still is to carry that broken father relationship of abandonment which he believes may never be healed.

Part of the popularity of this book is likely from the controversy of how many people hate it, most likely because they are focused on the lack of systematic theology, which is intentional by the author; instead of focusing on his experience of healing from the past secrets and shame. Paul is a Bible college and Seminary graduate who worked on church as well as ministry staffs along with dozens of other jobs he has held through the decades to provide for his family of six kids. Despite the popularity of the book, he, his wife Kim and their young adult kids still live in a rented house in Oregon.

On a personal note, I enjoyed the book and thought it would help people with a wounded past most of all, while likely just offending people who haven't ever experienced horrible trauma or those who were deeply wounded, yet spend all their time desperately trying to cover it up with massive amounts of religious activity or just trying to act perfect. Oh yes, Papa is a large black woman, because in his childhood it was the large black women would rescue him, love him and be his safest place; while his own parents were so busy building a ministry that they left Paul to the mercy of a brutal culture. I've listened to his testimony via television interviews, on CD and read it in print and find this man to be sound in his faith and not driven by anything or trying to upset anyone’s belief system, rather trying to help them see God’s grace, healing and forgiveness in a new way. Basically he was a simple man who wrote a story as a Christmas gift to help his own children be at peace in their understanding of how much God loves them.

This book’s popularity has been supernatural because it is going into some amazing places around our world and challenging people about actively working through their own ‘shack’ of issues to experience a new level of peace with God. I hope this analysis is useful to equip you in understanding how to find a deeper walk with Christ than you’ve ever known and then to share that freedom with even more wounded people. That way you can help others to experience greater emotional and spiritual healing; and the remarkable freedom of spending time with God alone in the “Shack” and then coming out as a new person by God’s grace.

================► Willie's Personal Testimony and Journey

We live in a world where ‘normal’ does not truly exist except as an idea or concept. For each of us, where and how we grew up plays a foundational role in our sense of ‘normal’, and only when we begin to experience the ‘bigness and diversity’ of the world are we tempted to evaluate our roots. I thought the way I grew up was ‘normal’ but I think most would probably agree that my history and journey have been a bit unusual.

I was the eldest of four, born May 11th, 1955, in Grande Prairie, Alberta, Canada, but the majority of my first decade was lived with my missionary parents in the highlands of Netherlands New Guinea (West Papua), among the Dani, a technologically stone age tribal people. These became my family and as the first white child and outsider who ever spoke their language, I was granted unusual access into their culture and community. Although at times a fierce warring people, steeped in the worship of spirits and even occasionally practicing ritualistic cannibalism, they also provided a deep sense of identity that remains an indelible element of my character and person. By the time I was flown away to boarding school at age 6, I was in most respects a white Dani.

In the middle of a school year, my family unexpectedly returned to the West. My father worked as a Pastor for a number of small churches in Western Canada and by the time I graduated, I had already attended thirteen different schools. I paid my way through Bible College working as a radio disc jockey, lifeguard and even a stint in the oil fields of northern Alberta. I spent one summer in the Philippines and another touring with a drama troupe before working in Washington D.C. at Fellowship House, an international guest house. Completing my undergraduate degree in Religion, I graduated summa cum laude from Warner Pacific College in Portland, Oregon. The following year, I met and married Kim Warren and for a time worked on staff at a large suburban church while attending seminary.

I have owned businesses and worked for others in diverse industries, from insurance to construction, venture capital companies to telecom, contract work to food processing; whatever was needed to help feed and house my growing family. I have always been a writer, whether songs, poetry, short stories or newsletters; never for public consumption but for friends and family. While I have extensively written for business, creating web content, business plans, white papers etc., The Shack was a story written for my six children, with no thought or intention to publish. It is as much a surprise to me as to anyone else that I am now an ‘author’.

Overall, I am a very simple guy; I have one wife, six kids, two daughter-in-laws and two grandkids on the way. I work as a general manager, janitor and inside sales guy for a friend who owns a small manufacturers rep company in Milwaukie, Oregon, and I live in a small rented house in Gresham, Oregon, that Kim has made into a marvelous home. My time is spent loving the people that are a part of my life. I am not connected, or a part, or a member of, or involved inside any sort of organization or movement anywhere. The truth is that I doubt anyone would want me. From my perspective that is a very positive thing… for both of us. I have lots of incredible friends, and now you are one of those. Oh yeah… and I wrote this book.

These are some of the facts of my life, but they don’t begin to tell the real story. That would take much more room than is available here. The journey has been both incredible and unbearable, a desperate grasping after grace and wholeness. These facts don’t tell you about the pain of trying to adjust to different cultures, of life losses that were almost too staggering to bear, of walking down railroad tracks at night in the middle of winter screaming into the windstorm, of living with an underlying volume of shame so deep and loud that it constantly threatened any sense of sanity, of dreams not only destroyed but obliterated by personal failure, of hope so tenuous that only the trigger seemed to offer a solution.

These few facts also do not speak to the potency of love and forgiveness, the arduous road of reconciliation, the surprises of grace and community, of transformational healing and the unexpected emergence of joy. Facts alone might help you understand where a person has been, but often hide who they actually are.The Shack will tell you much more about me than a few facts ever could. In some ways my life is partly revealed in both characters—Willie and Mack. But an author is always more. I hope that someday we can share a cup of coffee, or for me, an extra hot chai tea with soy. If that happens, and if you want, I will tell you a little more about the bigger story and you can tell me some of yours.

That about sums up my life. For me, everything is about Jesus and Father and the Holy Spirit, and relationships, and life is an adventure of faith lived one day at a time. Any aspirations, visions and dreams died a long time ago and I have absolutely no interest in resurrecting them (they would stink by now anyway). I have finally figured out that I have nothing to lose by living a life of faith. I know more joy every minute of every day than seems appropriate, but I love the wastefulness of my Papa’s grace and presence. For me, everything in my life that matters, is perfect! (source: author information, www.theshackbook.com)

==================================================
► Endorsements for “The Shack”“When the imagination of a writer and the passion of a theologian cross-fertilize the result is a novel on the order of The Shack. This book has the potential to do for our generation what John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress did for his. It’s that good!” - Eugene Peterson, Professor Emeritus Of Spiritual Theology,Regent College, Vancouver, B.C.

“The Shack is a one of a kind invitation to journey to the very heart of God. Through my tears and cheers, I have been indeed transformed by the tender mercy with which William Paul Young opened the veil that too often separated me from God and from myself. With every page, the complicated do’s and don’t that distort a relationship into a religion were washed away as I understood Father, Son, and Holy Ghost for the first time in my life.” -Patrick M. Roddy, Emmy Award Winning Producer of ABC News

“Riveting, with twists that defy your expectations while teaching powerful theological lessons without patronizing. I was crying by page 100. You cannot read it without your heart becoming involved.” - Gayle E. Erwin, Author The Jesus Style

“Finally! A guy-meets-god novel that has literary integrity and spiritual daring. The Shack cuts through the clichés of both religion and bad writing to reveal something compelling and beautiful about life’s integral dance with the divine. This story reads like a prayer—like the best kinds of prayer, filled with sweat and wonder and transparency and surprise. When I read it, I felt like I was fellowshipping with God. If you read one work of fiction this year, let this be it.” -Mike Morrell, Zoecarnate.com

“Don’t miss this! If there’s a better book out there capturing god’s engaging nature and his ability to crawl into our darkest nightmare with his love, light and healing, I’ve not seen it. For the most ardent believer or newest spiritual seeker, the shack is a must-read.” - Wayne Jacobsen, author of So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore

“An exceptional piece of writing that ushers you directly into the heart and nature of god in the midst of agonizing human suffering. This amazing story will challenge you to consider the person and the plan of god in more expansive terms than you may have ever dreamed.” -David Gregory, author of Dinner with a Perfect Stranger

“The path to God is paved with questions—sometimes frightening and deeply painful ones. While reading The Shack I realized the questions unfolding in this captivating novel were questions I was carrying deep within me. True freedom is born from facing those things we feel we don’t have the courage or strength to face. The beauty of this book is not that it supplies the reader with easy answers to grueling questions, but that it invites you to come in close to a God of mercy and love, in whom we find hope and healing.” - Jim Palmer, author of Divine Nobodies
For more about “The Shack” visit http://www.theshackbook.com/

===================================================================
► Web Reviewer from Great Britain about “The Shack”I am sorry to say that I am rarely surprised by new Christian titles – it’s not that they aren’t good, but just that I get what I expect. Not so with ‘The Shack’. This is the best Christian novel I have ever read; an absolute heart wrenching page-turner. The Shack is a breath of fresh air for the Church.The plot centres round Mack, a father distraught and depressed over the abduction and murder of his youngest daughter. Four years after the tragedy, he receives a note inviting him back to the shack where the crime was perpetrated. The author of the note is God.

Through beautifully-crafted encounters between the novel’s characters, Young deals with the hardest questions of the Christian faith: Where is God in suffering? Who is the Holy Trinity? And, how can we understand God’s justice and mercy? As a vicar and apologist I have longed to read something that not only makes rational sense but also resonates with the heart. Surely this is it.

I cried, I laughed, at points the theologian in me shouted, but ultimately my heart was enlarged by the awesome love of God. This book has increased my excitement about heaven, indeed it has revolutionized it. I can’t wait to eat pies with Papa! Read it and you will know what I mean.

High: Pretty much all of it. It’s one of those books that you want buy five copies of to hand out to friends.
Low: Should have been longer.

Reviewed by Rev Will Van Der Hart, co-director of Mind and Soul (www.mindandsoul.info) and associate vicar of St Mary’s, Bryanston Sq, London.
====================================================
► From USA TodayAim at 'spiritually interested' sparks 'The Shack' salesBy Cathy Lynn Grossman, USA TODAY 5-1-08A little novel written by an Oregon salesman and self-published by two former pastors with a $300 marketing budget is lighting up USA TODAY's Best-Selling Books list with a wrenching parable about God's grace.

First-time author William P. Young's book The Shack, in which the father of a murdered child encounters God the Father as a sarcastic black woman, Jesus as a Middle Eastern laborer and the Holy Spirit as an Asian girl, is No. 8 on the list.

Aimed at the "spiritually interested," the novel had an inauspicious start, says co-publisher Brad Cummings, who is still shipping books from the garage of his home in Thousand Oaks, Calif., and nearby mini-warehouses. Young says that when he wrote the book in 2005, "my only goal was to get copied and bound at Kinko's in time for Christmas as a gift to my kids."

Until The Shack sales soared, he was a manufacturer's representative for a technology company by day and did website design work on the side. But he had always been a writer, he says, who gave poems and stories as gifts.

He wrote the book to explain his own harrowing journey through pain and misery to "light, love and transformation" in God to his six children, ages 14 to 27.

Eleven years ago, Young says, he was hanging on by a thread, haunted by his history as a victim of sexual abuse, by his own adulterous affair, by a life of shame and pain, all stuffed deep in his psyche. "The shack" was what he called the ugly place inside where everything awful was hidden away. The book is about confronting evil and stripping the darkness away to reveal a loving God within, he says.Why are so many heading for The Shack? "People are not necessarily concerned with how orthodox the theology is. People are into the story and how the book strikes them emotionally," Garrett says.

► From The New York Times:Christian Novel Is Surprise Best SellerBy MOTOKO RICH, New York TimesJune 24, 2008
Eckhart Tolle may have Oprah Winfrey, but “The Shack” has people like Caleb Nowak. Skip to next paragraphMr. Nowak, a maintenance worker near Yakima, Wash., first bought a copy of “The Shack,” a slim paperback novel by an unknown author about a grieving father who meets God in the form of a jolly African-American woman, at a Borders bookstore in March. He was so taken by the story of redemption and God’s love that he promptly bought 10 more copies to give to family and friends.“Everybody that I know has bought at least 10 copies,” Mr. Nowak said. “There’s definitely something about the book that makes people want to share it.”

Just over a year after it was originally published as a paperback, “The Shack” had its debut at No. 1 on the New York Times trade paperback fiction best-seller list on June 8 and has stayed there ever since. It is No. 1 on Borders Group’s trade paperback fiction list, and at Barnes & Noble it has been No. 1 on the trade paperback list since the end of May, outselling even Mr. Tolle’s spiritual guide “A New Earth,” selected by Ms. Winfrey’s book club in January.

Sales have been fueled partly by a whiff of controversy. Some conservative Christian leaders and bloggers have attacked “The Shack” as heresy. The Rev. R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, devoted most of a radio show to the book, calling it “deeply troubling” and asserting that it undermined orthodox Christianity. Others have said the book’s approach to theology is too breezy to be taken seriously.

Even people initially put off by the book’s characterization of God as a black woman were won over. “I was so stunned by the presentation of Papa that I couldn’t deal with it,” said Bill Ritchie, senior pastor of an 8,000-member nondenominational church in Vancouver, Wash., who recalled putting the book down at first. He eventually finished it and told his congregation that it was “one of the most remarkable books I’ve read in years.” Since early this year, his church has been buying copies to sell to members by the caseload.

Mr. Young, who is known as Paul, said he had written “The Shack” as a gift for his six children. The shack was a metaphor for “the house you build out of your own pain,” Mr. Young said in a telephone interview from the Phoenix airport on his way to a book reading. (source: www.NewYorkTimes.com)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

15 Factors that Fuel Infidelity

The Secret behind Cheaters-
15 factors that Fuel Infidelity
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Celebrities do it - so do Pro Athletes, Politicians, Television Evangelists, Executives, Salesmen, Singers, Truckers, Teachers, and even Presidents. No, I’m not referring to a Nike commercial, rather to people who cheat in their marriage relationship. There is even a reality TV show called, “Cheaters” where you can watch a betrayed partner spy on and eventually confront their mate – caught in the act.

Cheating as Recreational Entertainment or Symptom of Psychological Problems?

Watching people lie, cheat, manipulate or hide in the shadows of their secret sin isn’t entertaining, it’s just sad. Lying, cheating and covering up secret affairs has become so commonplace that it has evolved into media fodder for stand up comics to joke about, trending topics to Tweet about, or an endless source of gossip fueling the tabloid headlines at the checkout counter of your local supermarket.

Why do cheaters cheat?
Instead of being entertained by affairs, let’s take a moment to understand the psychological dynamics behind breaking the basic promise in a relationship – to be faithful. What drives a man, (or woman since women cheat almost as often as men according to a cover story in Newsweek magazine), to break their vows, violate their values and spend more time in the shadows of their secret fantasy life than simply living in the light of the life they already have?

15 Factors fuel Adultery
There are 15 key elements that can cause someone to ignore everything they believe in to break all the rules of a stable relationship. The more factors present, the harder it is to break out of the illicit relationship and the more likely trust can’t be rebuilt, meaning that restoration is virtually impossible. Most people think that an affair “just happened” like a bolt of lightening out of the sky striking two unsuspecting individuals who then are destined to become soul-mates for the rest of eternity. Nope. That concept fuels ‘chick-flick’ movies, sappy music and smutty novels but it isn’t the real reason that drives people to cheat.

Here are the factors that drive people to cheat. As you read them, think of the people you have watched in a continual and desperate attempt to find somebody new to love, who only ended up creating massive stress and chaos for everyone else involved. Because when a secret life is exposed, all the new ‘love’ gets replaced with loss and pain. There are tremendous losses; loss of family, loss of children, loss of financial stability and loss of integrity; over the deceit and betrayal. Research from the University of Florida showed that only 3% of people who cheat and end their marriage to be with their secret lover actually end up staying married to their new love interest. The passion of infatuation fades fast, or to quote Will Smith’s old song lyric, “Ain’t no love in the Champagne room”

The real reason behind bad behavior is not because people wake up and decide to destroy their lives. Actually a lot of things are going on privately under the surface which aren’t evident until their public lives collapse after the affair is discovered. Here are the most common factors that erode stability and ruin relationships.

Selfishness – The clear #1 factor that fuels secret relationships is a commitment to please ones self over any commitment to their partner. Selfishness is a subtle slave master because it seems so natural to do what feels good inside, without consideration for how it will affect others. Once a person buys into the notion that their happiness is more important than that of their marriage partner, or children, parents, co-workers, boss or share-holders; they begin a seductive slide into the darkness of forbidden behaviors. Rules don’t matter to a person driven by their selfish need for pleasure, which is why they justify their bad decisions instead of having the self-control not to make them in the first place.

Lustful – However not the kind of lust you may be thinking about. Adultery is fueled by psychological insecurities more than by physical intimacy. The breathless ripping off of clothes (remember Michael Douglas in the elevator scene of the film “Fatal Attraction”) to experience physical passion is only one stage of an affair. It’s not the only factor and in long term affairs it’s often a forgotten one. Lust is the illicit desire for something more; so once the ‘conquest’ has been made with the new partner, a cheater silently begins the ‘hunt’ for the next target in their string of hopping from bed to bed hoping for a little more happiness. They are continually looking and lusting for a better life instead of learning how to be satisfied with the one they have. Perhaps that’s why “Hollywood” marriages only last a few years. Lust for more prevents feeling contentment and satisfaction inside the person driven to find a little more happiness from their partner instead of finding it inside themselves. When someone is never fully satisfied with their life they and their relationships continually change because of it.

Lonely – Distance in a relationship leaves a married partner feeling empty inside. Often instead of working to solve that emptiness in a positive way, (creating connection points through date-nights, weekend getaways or attending a couples retreat together), they just grow more distant which leaves them vulnerable to the temptation of forbidden fruit. However, loneliness is a solvable problem in a marriage because there are so many healthy ways a lonely partner can reach out to rebuild their relationship. Loneliness can be solved by reconnecting with God and healthy people, including talking with a pastor, counselor or family member who can help develop strategies in a positive way, instead of leaving the gap of temptation open by crying on the shoulder of a stranger. It takes courage to move past the fear of feeling alone to seek help, but it’s a stronger choice than the chaos of living a secret life.

Low esteem – When someone feels like they are a ‘loser’ in life they are vulnerable to the temptations of others. Low esteem leaves the door open for someone to respond to the advances of a stranger because they don’t believe in themselves. When there is a major gap of personal confidence, or someone believes that they are not worthy of feeling loved they might seek out the attention of strangers to fill the ‘leaks’ from the ‘holes in their soul’. It doesn’t last for long, which is why they drift from relationship to relationship looking for someone who will completely satisfy their emptiness and fears. The problem is that another person cannot completely fill up the gaps inside; at least not for long. And there is always the risk of meeting someone new who has just a little more charisma or charm, leaving the door open to change partners again and again.

Conversation Connection – One of the most common factors I’ve heard from hundreds of people who crashed their marriage relationship to be with a stranger said it was because the new person was just so “Easy to talk to”. This is a subtle way into seduction because it seems so innocent. One day you are just sharing opinions and ideas with someone at work, church, or at a social event. And then, WHAM! The chemistry races ahead of reason and decisions are made that destroy stability. There are many people you could talk to in safe ways, but long conversations with someone new can lead to saying goodbye to the people who trusted you to stay faithful and keep the promises made in marriage.

Power and control – You may not have associated this category with cheaters, but it is a driving force. You see, many times the whole dynamic of keeping a secret lifestyle is to break the rules of order and decency to do whatever they want to do. To control others, or feel the invincible power of being able to get away with breaking the rules leads many powerful people into destroying their lifestyle. While it is true that you can break the rules, it is also true that eventually the rules break you. Cheaters forget that the truth always comes out, always. It’s just not revealed quickly. Sometimes people even act abusive to force their desires of manipulation on others, which is why those relationships fail so fast and so often. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do for very long, and if an affair is driven by the issues of power and control eventually the people in it will grow tired of the manipulation and gradually pull away. Sadly a lot of innocent people get stepped on in the process.

Addictions- When someone can’t stop their inappropriate and irresponsible behavior it can often be tied to the driven compulsive need for instant gratification, instead of long term commitment. Sadly I’ve seen situations where secret addictions were suffocating all of the joy out of living the life a person had been given because they were continually and compulsively reaching for something else. Addictions don’t make much sense to people who haven’t struggled with inner demons of desire, yet to an addict it is more important than their next breath. Addiction gradually destroys every relationship and will usually end a marriage if professional help isn’t sought out to stabilize the real factors fueling the fire of out of control desire inside.

Shame based past Unresolved abuse of any kind, (either as victim or perpetrator) can lead to acting outside of the normal boundaries of a marriage relationship. Simply put, if a person feels dirty on the inside because of what has happened to them in the past, they often will act ‘dirty’ on the outside. This is tied to deeper psychological issues that often require counseling to resolve because a person with shame issues will continue to repeat the same self-destructive behavior pattern. Shame creates a feeling of guilt and condemnation and can become a driving force behind irresponsible and impulsive behavior. Until shame based behaviors are stabilized the person will continual to make the wrong choices, and while they may hate themselves for doing the wrong thing, they feel like they have absolutely no power to stop it.

Peer Pressure – You become like the people you hang around. So when a person works in an environment that embraces impulsive decisions, or if there is a ‘locker room’ mentality of conquest over character people ruin relationships. This can show up as ending up in the wrong bed on a business trip, or drinking too much at the office Christmas party, and then bragging about their indiscretions to coworkers. Focusing on romance instead of real work violates the basic principle of any job. A professor I had at Rollins College taught me, “Work should be about creating a quality product or service that returns a profit to shareholders.” Some corporate cultures push people to be their best, others build teams who want to pass the competition, however in a toxic workplace people spend their time sneaking around on the job to fall in love with someone else’s spouse. Cheating hurts a marriage, but it can also hurt the customers, clients and coworkers who depend on people do actually do their job well; instead of being totally distracted by the pressure to have more partners.

Lies, Deception & Cover Up – this factor is based on the notion that “liars lie – and cheaters cheat.” The driving force behind this factor is to manipulate others by keeping secrets and avoiding honestly. It’s not about the new relationship, since there are countless examples of cheaters who simply go on to cheat on their next partner. They weren’t into the new person they were simply using the next person to fuel their need to keep a continual string of secret relationships to fuel their inner desire to avoid playing by the rules of society.

Generational patterns – there is an old saying in families that “the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree” meaning that a parent or grandparent who models the secret lifestyle behavior creates the negative role model for the kids who are always watching to do the same thing. And they do. It can be uncanny how repetitive the cycle plays out in people who hit a certain age, (say 35 or so), and then do exactly what their father did at the same age. Family secrets can go on for generations until someone finds the faith to move beyond the past to build a better future. Until that happens it’s like they are following a script of making the same mistakes to pass along the generational pain.

Stress- often an affair isn’t driven by the desire to really swap partners, violate trust and shatter integrity, rather, it was based on an escape from pressure. Simply put, exhausted and desperate people do exhausted and desperate things. When a person becomes overwhelmed with the responsibilities and pressures of life they sometimes give up on things that don’t seem important at the time. A distant marriage is completely vulnerable to temptations from others because there is no solid foundation to hold it together during the stressful seasons of life. A stressed out person doesn’t have to choose an affair to deal with stress, but when they do it creates a whole new layer of pressure from trying to keep secrets – and sadly that generates substantial new stress. Stress relief cannot be found in creating new problems. Real relief comes from reaching out to get help from people who can pull you out of the pressure, instead of those who add more burdens to your life.

Distance- The old saying is wrong. Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder… it often just makes a person’s heart, eyes and hands begin to wander. Feeling alone in a relationship, either from emotional distance, or geographical distance that comes from a job with a lot of travel, can lead to seeking the company of other people than their marriage partner and that can be disastrous. It takes far less emotional and psychological energy to keep your current relationship together than it does to keep a secret lifestyle going on behind the scenes.

Leaks - When people feel like they ‘leak’ or have a continual need to hear the praise and compliments from others they are open to stumble and struggle with temptation. When a person is constantly looking for someone to fill the void inside, the emptiness leads to making bad decisions and desperate attempts at finding fulfillment. Better to find true filling from healthy sources instead of making the ‘leaks’ bigger with bad decisions.

Acceptance – Everyone longs to feel a sense of connection, of belonging and approval. Finding validation from another person instead of from core values and beliefs that you hold inside can lead to the continual need for replacement. A healthy person has those needs for acceptance met in healthy ways, which improves their life instead of leading to a pattern of continual problems, secrets and lies. Being a person of deception, secrets and lies won’t make someone feel better inside, they feel worse! The deepest psychological and spiritual needs cannot be met through wrong choices, and when someone sees that truth it is transformational.

Boring Brain Chemistry creates Bad-Boy Behavior
Once the excitement of the new relationship wears off, many people choose to chase the intense feelings which can only come from the infatuation of an affair. Don’t discount the brain chemistry that causes infatuation, because it literally feels like oxygen to the person experiencing it and that they can’t live without it, (Think of the life or death struggle that the Greek hero Ulysses faced with the deadly Sirens in Homer’s classic Greek story of “The Odyssey”). However it is an unsustainable emotion because it is created from the sparks of being with someone new and exciting. The longer a relationship goes, the less infatuation can create enough brain chemistry to connect two desperate souls who must be together or they will simply die. This sounds like a high-school play of “Romeo and Juliet” because it basically is. Adolescent relationships are driven by surges of hormones and chemistry more than self-control and sincere commitment. Healthy people don’t ruin their lives chasing impulsive urges, they protect the stability of their relationships by making wise choices.

No such thing as “Soul-Mates”
The concept that you have a single ‘soul-mate’ who is the perfect partner that can totally “complete you,” (remember Tom Cruise tearfully saying that in the film Jerry Maguire?) really sells movie tickets, but it simply isn’t real. The hard reality isn’t that Americans marry and divorce more than any country in the world, which they do. The hardest reality, (reported in a Time magazine cover story) is that Americans divorce more than any country in the HISTORY of the world! And a large part of that partner swapping is driven by the false belief that the next person will be a lucky catch way better than the loser you are stuck with now.

The soul-mate concept is a common reason why people leave one partner for the next. But don’t miss the statistical reality that the pattern continues. (Divorce rates are much higher in for people in multiple marriages, or what some researchers call ‘serial monogamy’). Searching for the next soul-mate to complete you just a little better than the last one did may be why romance writers have a job, but it won’t create any stability in the relationship you currently have – only the desperate longing that you are missing out on happiness by being with the wrong partner. So people who cling to this belief practice the philosophy of an old rock n’roll lyric that says…”If you can’t be with the one you love – love the one you’re with!”

Sorry, no soul-mates, just different people with different levels of maturity and development. Healthy people can have healthy relationships with hundreds of others, including the self-control to make a single relationship the most satisfying.

Promise Keeping instead of Promise Breaking
The bottom line on breaking a cheating lifestyle is to change to invest time and energy in keeping the promises you made, instead of spending time, energy and money desperately trying to chase another person to create a little happiness. Over time it takes a lot more work to keep a secret lifestyle going than it does to simply work on the relationship you have. Trading a stable life for the hope of something better doesn’t work out for the majority of people who attempt it. The research shows that people divorce at significantly higher levels when they move from partner to partner. There is more stability from making wise choices in reality than in chasing a fantasy image of being with ‘dream boat’ person who later turns out to be a ‘nightmare’. Keeping promises builds trust, integrity, character and a life of balance. Keeping promises is the opposite of cheating, and may seem boring compared to a “Las Vegas” lifestyle, but the long term benefits of a stable life are worth it.

The Best Deal!
How much better life is when people move from cheating to protecting character! If you know someone who has been cheating, reach out to them and challenge them to stop making impulsive choices that hurt others. If you have been hurt by a cheater, learn to set boundaries and study what the Bible teaches about forgiveness so that you don’t become overwhelmed by bitterness, resentment or rage inside. If the cheater and the cheated on decide to rebuild something great from the ruins of their shattered relationship - incredible things can and do happen.

The best deal is to live a life of integrity by keeping your word and holding your head high because you are a person respected by all. It takes real strength to consider rebuilding a ruined life or reputation, but real strength is available to those who are willing to let go of something they once thought good to embrace something they discover is great.

Life is about choices, and when a cheater stops to really study the reasons why they cheat it’s possible for them to turn their life from one of being known as a liar to become a person who can be trusted again. It takes time and often a lot of hard work by the former cheater but it’s well worth the trade. I challenge anyone caught cheating to make that trade because their life and their future legacy will be much more successful. Blessings follow the man or woman who turns their life around.

The Bible is full of stories of people who experienced a major heart change, which rippled into every other area of their life and people still talk about those positive changes thousands of years later. When a cheater gets honest enough to see that they really can change their life from the inside out; radical things begin to happen. A deceptive person can’t re-write a painful past, and so they stay stuck in the shadows of their secret life. But look at the difference when someone embraces the truth about ttheir life and reaches out, gets some help and takes bold action to write a better future. It becomes a success story that is told and retold for generations. So what are you waiting for? Start writing!

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2010), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Hope for those helping Haiti- Disaster Resources for Rapid Psychological Recovery at the LifeWorks Group sposored site: www.StormStress.com

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Strategic Coaching- Make a list of the mistakes you learned from last year & what you will do differently this year for maximum success