Sunday, December 28, 2008

Launching the Late Bloomer into the Real World

Parenting Launch Sequence
Successfully letting go of young adults

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Parents are told to give their children "roots and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the nest, some twenty years later. I believe that the first part comes easier than the second, which may not come at all for some older adolescents these days. Let me explain a few factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early success as young adults.

Giving a child 'roots' is about shared traditions, values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior, such as the 10 commandments or the golden rule as well as providing a safe and loving home environment. I believe most parents do their best to care and provide for their kids. I also believe that most parents try to build these core values into the heart of their kids which will always show up through their behavior and choices later on in life. When a child clearly understands what they believe they are stronger and more focused to go through the teen years without getting hung up on the distractions and temptations that cause so many of their peers to stumble and fall.

Frankly, I don't think most parents really struggle with knowing what they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to learn and if you ask them, they usually have a pretty clear vision of how they want their children to behave. It’s been my experience that most parents do their best to give their kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal belief system of some kind, especially in understanding right from wrong and how to respond to the world around them in a reasonable and responsible way.

If they aren't directly building these values into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values through regularly attending a house of faith or some other form of ethical values education (for instance, consider the great programs available through faith based groups like the YMCA), or even through targeted exposure to positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by their peers as to why they believe it.

► Common fights about the ‘flight plan’

So, how do you take a child that you have loved, cared for, taken care of and protected for their entire lifetime the right amount of space to 'fly' forward on their own wings? Let me warn you ahead of time, it's often hard to find the right level of balance on this subject and kids and parents often experience their greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out just the right level of responsibility and independence for each stage of life!

Yet as hard as it may be for parents to even consider letting go of the children that they have invested so much time and energy into, it is essential for the child’s healthy development and inner strength as a person who will one day have to move out and move on as a young adult to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of knowing that mom and dad’s watchful care is always going to be near.

The goal is for them to know what they believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs in spite of the pressures around them.

► Dangerous truth- over-protective parents slow strength building

Here's why this is such a problem for some loving parents. If you never let a child test their wings by moving a little further away from mom or dad's care, then sometimes they end up developing the symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid of moving forward in life. Not all kids will develop psychological or emotional fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors that slows down their personal development and inner strength to move forward toward the next stage of life. Yes, we love our kids, but remember, part of that love is to equip them and prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a space shuttle launch sequence at Kennedy Space Center.

Think about all of the years of planning to create a successful launch into space. Literally everything that takes place for the years leading up to a rocket launch date is done to safely and strategically accomplish the goal of getting into space safely. That’s the driving force of NASA engineers- to get that big bird off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit toward the stars.

There is an incredible line of dialogue in the movie, “Astronaut Farmer” (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where the father-in-law tells his wanna-be astronaut son-in-law, “I really respect you son. Most dad’s can’t get their families to share a meal at the table together and you- you’ve got your whole family dreaming together!” The film tells the story of a dad who reflects the power of never giving up on his life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly shows the courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make an impossible dream become an incredible reality.

Space flight can be a lot like parenting- we spend years getting them ready to have a successful launch because one day we know that we will have to do a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to another stage of life. This is the way that God designed it- kids are supposed to move out and move on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process, it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.

► Blast off- or blow up?

When kids are well equipped to launch into early success during their young adult years they soar and it’s a joy to watch. If you have ever seen a launch up close from Cape Canaveral you know what I mean- words can hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even gravity can stop that rocket from what it was designed to do- blast off toward the stars! However, when what I’ve been referring to as the parenting ‘launch sequence’ is interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents they often blow up, because the kids crash in some way. Sadly, these days it seems there are more crashes than successful launches.

So what to do? Here are some parenting tips to coach you to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful lives as adults. That’s a parent’s job, to give them the roots of belief and then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.

When this process happens, a child grows through each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by parents who weren’t afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the life that God designed for them to live. Millions of other parents have successfully launched their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too.

Know that you are not alone in this process and that it’s not too late to dream about what your son or daughter could be when they launch into a successful life of their own.


Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2008), To receive this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org )

About the Author
Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. A critical Incident Stress Management expert with the Orange County Sheriffs Office and corporate trainer for over 1,500 business groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress- both personally & professionally; Dwight is a member of the National Speakers Association who partners with the media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

7 Strategies to Survive the Holidays

7 Strategies to Survive the Holidays

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Have you ever wondered why traditional holidays are so stressful? Instead of being called the ‘most wonderful time of the year,’ it seems that we should rename it to be more accurately called the ‘most difficult time of the year’. I believe you can break the pattern of stressful holidays by realistically changing your perspective to directly deal with predictable daily pressures and then by using strategic coping skills to steer around or even better steer away from the bigger problems that tend to ‘pop up’ this time of year.

Face it. There are as many factors to cause our stress levels to build to an explosive level as there are people on the planet. Everyone has complexities and challenges different from others, yet there are some universal pressures everyone has to address no matter their age, gender or marital status. Stress tends to go up as we age because there are more factors to consider, more people to deal with and more responsibilities. The older you get, the more you are forced to change and deal with issues directly, or get stuck in the habit of repeating the same problems over and over again until you die. Yuck!

Is this bad news for everyone? No, because I believe that God designed you to have a healthy and balanced lifestyle, and that He will always provide you a way to move past daily pressures to live out your real purpose. You control the choices needed to change and improve your life more than you realize. Understanding the pressures, (counseling insight), and then using a strategic approach to achieve greater results, (coaching application), will position you to break out of the unhealthy patterns of the past to have a balanced and better future.Here are the four most common factors that steal joy away from the holidays followed by seven strategic ways to finish the year healthy and strong. Use these insights to move from barely surviving the holidays to really thriving in the New Year as you enjoy the blessings of living out a lifestyle of lasting success.

#1- Loneliness-
Holidays are designed as a time to be with friends and family making positive memories. Not so for the person who wounded by dysfunctional relationships or dealing with rejection from divorce while trying to rebuild their life alone. The continual holiday music, movies and television specials aren’t comforting to people feeling detached, rather they are hurtful because they serve as continual reminders of what’s missing in their life. (Keep in mind that writers and artists tend to create entertainment material that reflects the world as they would like to see it and not as it really is to maintain some level of perspective about the many people who struggle with loneliness during the holidays).

#2- Unfulfilled-
The end of the year is a relief for some and a time of reflection for others. Wisdom says to evaluate your progress this year in light of your overall mission, purpose and core values to see if you are on track for a lifetime. Worldly culture pushes people toward being too busy so that they virtually ignore all of that journaling to live for the moment hoping that everything will just mysteriously work out “happily ever after” like the ending of a Children's story book. Many people get caught up in the busy events of the holidays to avoid having to look at the real issues in their life. Remember, the more you ignore the important and fulfilling things in your life, the more you will try to fill the emptiness with meaningless activities and materialistic stuff. Stuff can never fill the 'black hole' of being unfulfilled without purpose, but the clutter does allow people to have a logical excuse to avoid actually dealing with being responsible to spend your life doing what you were born to do.

#3- Stressed-
Everyone has stress to deal with from the cradle to the grave, its part of life. Learn to view each activity or action as either causing stress, or relieving it for you and the people around you. Now, think about many of the activities and actions that fill up our Franklin Planners from November to January. Things like, waiting in line to buy a gift, then waiting in another line to have that gift wrapped; or sending out hundreds of cards to people at the last minute, who may not even have time to open it and see who it’s from during the midst of their own holiday stress; or sampling a little bit of every type of food at holiday parties and still expecting to not gain weight; or spending an extra thirty hours putting up decorations and still getting enough sleep. Stress is emotional pressure from things feeling out of control, and it’s easy to get out of balance when so many things are being thrown at you this time of the year.

#4- Tired-
If you aren’t already exhausted from trying to squeeze more and more seasonal events and decorations into less and less available time, just wait five minutes and you will be. Everyone has a certain amount of these very limited resources to manage…energy, money and time. While the amounts of each may vary during different stages of life, it’s usually just from a trade of one for another. (Example- If you work more hours, you make more money, but give up more energy to get it. If you are carefree and have all the time in the world, you probably had to give up financial stability to get it. Kids are allowed to sleep late, but they don’t have to make the mortgage payment at the end of the month).

Fatigue isn’t limited only to a loss of physical energy it can overlap into emotional burnout or spiritual emptiness, which then negatively affects our personal and professional relationships as well. The more tired we are, the more we tend to have a negative outlook, experience low morale, feel moody and un-motivated to change.Okay, now that you have seen some of the most common reasons we end up feeling so much stress, let’s move forward to understand and apply a new approach to achieve a greater result in your personal and professional life.

Here are seven strategic and proactive steps you can take to move from feeling holiday stress to experiencing a memorable experience of holiday success for you and those you care about this holiday season.

7 Strategies to Change from Holiday Survival to Holiday Success-

1) Celebrate- laugh, rejoice, giggle, gather, sing and count every blessing as you enjoy all the good things in your life instead of just focusing on the pressures and problems. Then join in with others who are so busy celebrating the wonders of life that they don’t have time to stop and criticize the weaknesses and flaws. Like the old saying my mother used to tell me, ‘two men looked through prison bars- one saw the mud and the other saw the stars.

2) Connect- with people instead of being alone. There are more community activities this time of year than you could ever imagine. Visit special programs through churches, or by asking friends and family what they are doing, or where they are going and see if there is an extra seat on the bus going there. We were designed for relationship instead of isolation, so if you aren’t plugged into a healthy environment of positive people, use this time of year to ‘shop’ all the options available to see where you best fit and then plug in to connect with others who are likeminded to enjoy a stronger connection all year long.

3) Care- about people instead of caring about material things. One of the most memorable things you can do is to come alongside to add value to others in need during the holiday season. You might help a needy family, or ask groups like Hospice, or the Salvation Army, or a woman’s shelter about a person or family that you might be able to help with special gifts of food, encouragement or time. The memories you make will be greater than any gift-card you have ever received.

4) Choose- to be healthy with your intake of food, sugar, caffeine and alcoholic beverages which are more common during the festivities of the holiday season. You can solve a lot of the ‘let down’ feelings that are common this time of year by maintaining your regular schedule and daily routines. Especially make the positive choice to get enough sleep and protect your body from wearing out from exhaustion, or getting weaker from sleep deprivation, which makes you more prone to catching the cold or flu this time of year.

5) Cash- instead of credit is a better way to solve a lot of the after holiday stress of opening up statements full of debts staring you in the face. The impulsive purchases you make in December may take years to pay off, so solve this stressor by sitting down to list our your expectations of the holidays and then factor in how much this is going to cost in real dollars. Working from a planned budget will protect you from the huge temptation to buy more things than you intended from stores overflowing with commercial appeals of great deals. If you can’t afford it, it’s not a gift rather it’s just one more impulsive debt to repay.

6) Contact- Use the holidays as a time to reconnect with the people that you may have lost touch with through the year. Use festive postcards, greeting cards, or our family's favorite, a photo greeting card to see a recent picture of how big the kids have grown! Some people take time to write out detailed letters of what happened during their year, which are great to read. (Remember that the letter should be written as to share blessings and praises to bring hope, not full of prideful bragging to somehow using Christmas as a platform to show how much better your kids are than their peers.) The Internet makes it easier than ever to stay connected with others through emails and e-greetings. Use these tools as a strategic way to stay connected in building a stronger relationship and you may develop a deeper friendship that opens the door to enjoying a new friendship long after this years holiday season is repacked back into storage boxes for next year.

7) Creator- The holiday season is rooted in rich spiritual traditions. The best strategy to overcome holiday stress is to replace it with the deepest level of meaning that a person can experience in their heart and soul and spirit. I challenge you to allow the holidays to draw you to God in a new way so you might experience what choirs of angels sang over a stable thousands of years ago, "peace on earth and good will to men." Developing a personal relationship with the Christ of Christmas will move you from feeling alone in the world, to being part of something bigger than yourself, and something that will live on forever. When you sense God's presence, you can feel His peace and power every day.Look at it this way, experiencing God's presence will be like opening a present every day from someone who loved you so much that He would rather die than live without you.

This is the real reason hundreds of millions of people on this planet will stop everything to bow their heads and quietly pray on Christmas Eve. If you already know the true meaning of Christmas, enjoy the season with your family and friends. If you aren't sure what this all means, I challenge you to let God's love come into your life today so that you never have to feel alone again.Balancing these strategies will speed you on your journey from stress to lasting success which is the best gift you could ever receive because it lasts forever! Once you have mastered these key areas, make sure that you tell others so they can enjoy a better quality of life with you as well.


Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2008), To receive this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Creating Great Ideas

How to Trigger Great Ideas
By Brian Tracy

A major stimulant to creative thinking is focused questions. There is something about a well-worded question that often penetrates to the heart of the matter and triggers new ideas and insights.

Questions Stimulate Creative ThinkingSome of the best questions I've found for business problem solving are the following:

Clarify Your Desired Result

Question #1 "What are we trying to do?" Whenever you become frustrated with slow progress for any reason, step back and ask this again and again, "What are we trying to do?"

Analyze Your Current MethodsQuestion

#2 "How are we trying to do it?" If you are experiencing resistance, perhaps your method is wrong. Be willing to objectively analyze your approach by asking, "How are we trying to do it?" Is this the right way? Could there be a better way? What if our method was completely wrong?

How else could we approach it? Could You Be Wrong? It requires courage to face the possibility that you may be wrong but it also leads to your seeing new possibilities. The rule is: Always decide what's right before worrying about who's right.

Question Your Assumptions

Another good question is, "What are our assumptions?" About the person, the product, the market, the business? What are our assumptions? Could we be assuming something that is incorrect? Someone once said that "Errant assumptions lie at the root of every failure".

What if your unspoken or implied assumptions were wrong? What would you have to do differently?

Put Past Decisions on Trial

Another form of focused questioning is what I call "Zero based thinking." This method requires that you put every past decision on trial for its life regularly by asking, "If I had not made this decision, knowing what I now know, would I make it?" If I had not hired this person or gotten involved in this project, knowing what I now know, would I do it over again?

If the answer is "NO" to one of these questions, then your aim should be to get out of the decision as fast as possible. Be willing to "cut your losses," and try something else.

Action Exercises

Here are two things you can do to trigger more and better ideas.

First, be very clear about exactly what it is that you are trying to do. Write it down and describe it as if it were already achieved.

Second, question your assumptions continually. What if there were a better way? Be willing to try something completely different.

Reproduced with permission from Your Achievement Ezine. To subscribe, go to www.YourSuccessStore.com All contents Copyright © YourSuccessStore.com except where indicated otherwise. All rights reserved worldwide.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Iceberg Personality- why people do the things they do

Iceberg Personality Principle
Understanding why people do the things they do

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

90% of an iceberg is under the water, leaving only a tiny amount exposed above the surface. Like an iceberg, a large portion of our personality is hidden from view. Most of who we really are is typically covered up and tightly protected from ever being seen by others. The Bible teaches this principle as “Man looks on the outside appearance, but God looks on the heart.”

While it is normal to want to look good in front of others, it is not always healthy, because there are many deeper issues in life that need consideration if we are to grow strong in our own maturity and personal character development. Hidden issues and character flaws under the surface that lead to a habitual pattern of conflict and chaos cause many relationships to stay in a constant state of turmoil. There is a reason for every human behavior. Take into consideration your daily life choices and those of the people around you, a better understanding of why people do the things that they do can be achieved by using the Iceberg Personality Principle.

As you come to better understand of why things are happening in you and the people closest to you; it will become easier to know what to do and how to respond to break the pattern of hidden personality issues that lead to hurtful relationship problems. To find deeper meaning and experience healthier results in your personal life, begin by studying the two key factors in this area of personality development: Image and Identity.

Image Management

The part of the iceberg that is above the surface of the water represents the image that we project out to others. It’s how we look, what we wear, how we talk, who we associate with and how we live out our daily life in words and actions. Everyone can see our image however, to some who feel insecure or afraid of what others think, image becomes a mask to hide behind. This process is called ‘image management’ because an insecure person will go to considerable lengths to avoid dealing with the deeper issues under the surface in their soul. It could be through spending considerable sums of money to buy clothes, jewelry, houses or cars that create the image that a person has it ‘all together’ or it could come out through over-work, over-religious activity or over-compensating in an area of life that clearly is out of balance. Any way is unhealthy except to get the secrets out and get honest about the real issues of fear, doubt, confusion, insecurity or selfishness.

Moving more of the iceberg out of the water for all to see is the opposite of trying to act cool through creating a perfect image that really isn’t. When someone is trying to pretend to be something that they are not, or acting like a poser to impress others; they are spending most of their energy protecting their image instead of growing and maturing into a healthier person. It takes a lot of energy to cover up the reality of who we really are and after a while it does not work because eventually the lies are exposed as lies. A clever or manipulative person who is living a life of deception may get away with it for a brief period, yet they short-change themselves since the truth will always be revealed for what it is. Better to live a life of integrity by being real, than to live a life of secrets and lies that will eventually unravel to show selfishness, stubbornness or a prideful arrogance.

Identity is the key issue

When you catch a glimpse below the surface of another person’s life it can be shocking and disappointing. We’ve all had experiences of getting close to someone who turned out to be much less ethical or honest than we ever expected them to be. While it is disappointing to find out who is real and who is not - it can also be freeing, because it can remind us that we all have character flaws and personality issues that need to change. Sometimes seeing the flaws in others can be a way to hold up a mirror to see some important things about ourselves.

Some people use these types of experiences to get honest about their own issues; they see the irresponsibility or self absorbed behavior in others and use it as a catalyst to make positive changes in themselves. Others spend their time comparing their areas of strength to the weaknesses and character flaws they spot in others as a way to self-justify or avoid the areas that need to change in their own life. Remember that it’s easier to see the flaws and problems in others than it is to see them in your self, and we need both. The Bible teaches that healthy relationships are like “iron sharpening iron,” there is a give and take exchange of information on how to help one another improve and change.

Learning to look below the surface in ourselves to see the larger part of our personality is a huge step in our own character development and personal maturity. This process of studying our own identity can be difficult. We all have made mistakes and have huge flaws, which is why most people want to avoid ever dealing with it. Christ came to this earth because of our flaws and failures, so that He could save us from the penalty of our sins. As you begin to address the deeper issues of the soul, you will see that identity issues are a huge part of making peace with your past so that you can find enjoyment in the present.

Integrity is the richest benefit When you follow the philosophy ‘what you see is what you get,’ it is as if the surface of the iceberg matches the deepest part that is still under the surface. Put into a 1:1:1 correlation, it would look like this:

Image = Identity = Integrity

The Bible teaches that “a good name is to be more desired than great riches,” because of the importance of having personal integrity over any other factor. Expressed another way, “trust is everything,” and as you make the choice to move forward in the relationship to build integrity you will also have to make the choice to move forward in other areas of life. That will either feel overwhelming or freeing; depending on how well you understand the spiritual applications of sorting through emotions to find the character issues underneath. No matter how you feel, let the experiences around you challenge the process of personal growth through a life of honesty and openness.

"When you stop spending your energy trying to change the people in your life who don’t want to change, you discover a hidden source of power for personal change in your own life."

There are no shortcuts to this type of character development and personal maturity; however there are several ways to move faster through the process.

The first step is a spiritual one and based on the cry of King David who said, “Search me O’ God and know me.” He was praying to God for a deeper level of Insight into the agenda and real motivations of the heart. This is a prayer that God will always answer since He wants you to deal with the underlying factors that have needed attention for a long time.

The second way to experience growth and change is through the cognitive process of gathering Information and seeking the truth about our issues, building new strategies used to bring about positive change. This data could come from books, DVD’s, CD’s, seminars, radio or television programs focused on growth and accountability. A good source is to visit the resources section of Christian counseling websites where you will find many great tools to help you gather this important information. No matter which Biblical counseling group you choose, get started now on taking positive action to change.

The third approach is built on Intimacy, but not the kind you might be thinking of when you hear that word. Rather, it is the intimacy of being very close to people who care about you and you care about them. God designed us to be in close personal relationship so that we could help one another change and grow. Lonely people miss out on the benefit and value of knowing that they are growing closer to others and that by them helping others to spot and work through their character issues they will some day receive that help in return when the time is right. To experience a better life, move from the surface issues in your life to go deep into the issues of the soul. The more you take positive action to focus on the deeper areas of the iceberg, the more God will show you. When you are serious about change, so is He, however remember the old saying. “There is no testimony without a test.”

The process follows a pattern of:
1) God Revels
2) God Heals, so that
3) God Restores


Begin with you and where you assess your life to be today. As you move forward, taking the insights you discovered in reading these pages and apply them to the other areas of life as well, I challenge you to make every effort to get real in building a life of personal integrity and personal insight. As you change you, it will be significantly easier to find the energy to do the right thing in parenting, partnering or being the leader that you were designed to become. No longer wearing a mask, trying to cover up the deeper issues in life, you have become completely free to move beyond the iceberg to live out your true identity in the peace and contentment that only those who are real ever get to experience.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.


"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2008), To receive this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"


About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Social Connection Strategies in Relationships

Social Connection Strategies for Relationship Success
The psychological factors between body image and personal confidence

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Have you ever wondered why some people never seem happy inside or are constantly comparing themselves to others to see if they measure up? I sure have and to be honest, I've been in situations where I did it too! Depending on the situation, we all can feel a little insecure at times, so here's a strategy to help you study what is going on around you to figure out where you fit, and more importantly how to be at peace with who you already are, instead of spending too much time, energy, anxiety or money pretending to be someone that you're not.

Simple way to study Social Connection

If you don't believe that people worry a lot, and I mean A LOT, about their body image and spend a lot of time desperately trying to fit into their social group; then here's a coaching exercise to help you research the underlying psychological dynamics that can be done in any mall, school, church or workplace in America. Be very discreet as you pay attention to what factors seem to be the most are important to the people around you, and what is commonly accepted as being 'cool' or popular by the majority of those in that particular environment.

Social connection factors can come from many different places, so here's a list to get you started in noticing what drives other people to do, say, spend or whatever else it takes to fit in to their social group. I would prayerfully encourage you to do this exercise with the strong hope to notice issues that reveal weaknesses in you to work on, and never to be critical or judgmental of others. This is because when you can see the insecurities happening around you, it often will really open your eyes and help you walk in the freedom of just being who God designed you to be, no more, no less. That way you can leave what I call the ‘body image blues,’ to get back to what really matters most, enjoying the life that God has given you with peace and contentment because you are you, instead of panic and insecurity because you falsely believe that you will never be tall enough, or pretty enough or rich enough or anything enough to feel peace inside. So, as you take this coaching exercise study what needs attention in your own life, and then you can sit down with a trusted friend in a safe place to just change it and get on with a good life.

Social Connection Factors to Consider:
  • Who are the powerful or cool people? (notice who is being noticed and then try to figure out why)
  • What gives them their power? (gender, age, financial status, cultural background, education, looks, etc)
  • Who are the popular people? (parents, little kids, girls, guys, young, old, short, tall, skinny, fat, etc)
  • Why are they popular? (looks, money, clothes, personality, IQ, athletic ability, friendly, religious, tech-toys, etc)
  • Who seems to be a 'poser' of acting cool, or faking it to fit in? (How do they do that, clothes, music, hair, etc?)
  • Does it seem to work for them and if so in what ways? (Power, popularity, confidence…)
  • Who seems to be a 'player' of manipulating others for power or selfish pleasure? (adults, kids, teen girls or guys)
  • How do the posers or players seem to get away with this type of manipulation without being caught?
  • What differences do you notice between those who are popular and those who aren't?
  • What benefits are there to being popular as well as what difficulties does that seem to bring? (if any)
  • What commonalities do you notice between the 'cool' crowd? (hair style, zip code- remember 90210?, shared interest in same sports, living in the same community, name brand of clothing, type of automobile, invitations to social events, etc)
  • Do the common factors seem to be an indicator in how well connected they are in all relationships?
  • Which adults seem well connected and how do they leverage that connection to benefit themselves or their ___? (business, religious or political agendas, young kids, big families, etc)
  • Who seems to really be friendly and looking for people to connect with regardless of the external factors above?
  • Identify the 'cliques' in girls/guys, young/old, rich/poor and what key indicators are needed to 'join' that clique?
  • In terms of numbers, which group has the most, as well as least social connections of friends or relationships?
  • Which group or cliques seem to be the happiest, friendliest, coolest, meanest, accepting, judgmental, etc?
Finally, what do any of the above issues have to do Jesus Christ? He accepted people for who they were on the inside, and didn't seem to focus much at all on what they looked like on the outside. In fact there is a biblical principle that teaches- people almost always look on the outside to make a judgment about you, but don't worry, God always looks at your heart. To reconnect into healthy relationships and become a stronger person of faith, you need to build these five elements that can shatter an unhealthy obsession with body image to gain social acceptance.

These are areas anyone can focus on to gain spiritual insight and personal peace while breaking an unhealthy pattern of panic and insecurity because they feel like they don’t fit in.

1) Acceptance-
From the people closest to you, no matter what may have happened in the past. Consequences for wrong choice can take a while to sort through, but the choice to love unconditionally is one of the most powerful spiritual and social connection points.

2) Approval-
In spite of any insecurities, imperfections, fears and failures you might struggle with, it's important to have a few safe places where everybody knows your name, and likes you just the same.

3) Affection-
Gentle, tender, kindness and safe hugs from the safe people in your life. Healthy touch is a healing part of healthy relationships. (Non-sexual touch is what we are talking about on this point, basically the kind of hugs that you could give to anyone and not feel uncomfortable).

4) Authority-
Giving up control of what you don't like about your life to God, so that He can lead you toward His purpose in His timing, as well as knowing that God is there for you as the ultimate source of guidance, love and support.

5) Accountable-
Making wise decisions because you know that your actions or attitudes will be held accountable by other healthy individuals, pastors, mentors, counselors or coaches who are committed to see you reach your potential while developing strength and character.

Remember, whatever steps you take to build a better awareness and understanding of how God sees you, the more likely you will be to break out of the body image blues because you will be so busy counting blessings, you won't have time to count problems. As you begin to change your view from only looking at your skin, to digging into the deeper matters of the soul, your life will take on more meaning because you will have matured past defining your self worth from wearing the latest styles to finding your true identity in God's design and purpose for your journey. This will help you to make mature and responsible choices which will take you to better places than you ever thought possible as you move past trying to act 'cool' in a culture that doesn't care about you, to experiencing the freedom of just being real and drawing closer to the one who would rather die than to live without you- Jesus Christ.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2008), To receive this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Crazy Roller Coaster of Conflict

The Crazy Roller Coaster of Conflict
How to break out of circle arguments to find peaceful connection

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

“It’s your fault!”
“No it’s yours!”
“Oh yea, well you’re a bigger one!”

And on, and on the conflict goes. It’s what I call a circle argument because it goes around and around and never really gets anywhere and everyone ends up feeling bad. Sort of like a seriously dysfunctional merry-go-round except a lot more dangerous- it’s what I call the “Crazy Roller Coaster of Conflict.”

Are you a roller coaster fan or do they just make you fearful? I’ve found that most people are clearly on one side or the other, so let me ask it again. Do you really love the twists and turns of giant thrill rides or does it seem completely crazy to you?

If you absolutely can’t get enough of coasters you are not alone. Almost 300 million people visit theme parks every year and many of them are roller coaster enthusiasts. They love the excitement of a controlled setting that provides a rapid rush without any real risk.

So, if you love coasters let me ask the question again, but changing just one factor- the safety harness. You know, the big foam covered steel brace that covers your chest and completely locks you snugly into the seat. What if that safety harness failed 20% of the time? Would you like the ride with the risk of hanging on for your life one out of every five trips? Nah, I wouldn’t either. It would be a crazy coaster and only people totally out of touch with reality would ever get on it and they certainly wouldn’t ride it twice.

Conflict in relationships is a lot like the crazy coaster- it races round and round and occasionally you feel like you are hanging on for your life. That’s why most people don’t like conflict. They believe that no one wins the fight and that both sides end up losing so they try to avoid the tension of conflict by doing everything possible to avoid ever getting on the roller coaster of conflict.


Conflict-
a disagreement, struggle or battle over opposing issues or principles. From the Latin word ‘conflictus’ meaning an act of striking together
or clashing with. – Webster’s Dictionary

Everyone has to deal with conflict at every stage of life, consider-

Little kids who have conflict with their mom over bedtime or eating veggies
Employees who have conflict with co-workers because of office politics
Students who have conflict with the bully on the playground
Husbands who have conflict with their spouse over spending
Wife’s who have conflict with their mate over sloppiness
Teachers who have conflict with students who won’t do assignments
Politicians who have conflict with each other about who has the best plan
Roommates who have conflict over who cleans up the kitchen
Friends who have conflict over differences of opinion and belief

Since everyone has conflict, the bigger question is what will you do about it?

People develop a style of managing conflict in childhood which flows out of their personality and family of origin. If you grew up in an environment where everyone stayed quiet and stuffed anger to avoid conflict then you will likely do the same. If your childhood home was full of shouts and mean spirited fighting was a daily occurrence then you will repeat the process. It can be pretty hard to break the cycle but it can be done if you are ready to change. Here are some insights to help you break out of circle arguments to move forward to have real connection in your communication with others.

Start by identifying the type of conflict that you are facing

Internal- struggling inside between multiple choices or decisions
Personal- struggling with opinions between you and other people
Organizational- competition, clashes or power struggles within or between groups, (like countries, families, schools, churches or political parties)

Next- track your typical response to conflict

1) Attacking-
When facing conflict you take an approach that includes traits of attacking others aggressively or passively with actions that could be described as- controlling, judgmental, close-minded, critical, using power plays, attacks behind your back, uses criticism and “put-downs”, starts false rumors, pretends to have done nothing wrong, complaints, making negative statements about everything, blames others, pulls others into disagreements, delights in misery of others.

2) Avoiding-
When facing conflict you take an approach that actively tries to avoid any form of pressure from others by choosing one of the following- playing dumb, withdraws, stuffs emotions, indecisive, acts innocent, defensive, sidesteps the issue, twists or bends the truth, blames others, avoids facing the truth about themselves and the situations around them.
Finally- focus on taking positive action based on your personality

If you are an attacker personality, then step back and remember the words of St. Paul who taught, “As much as possible try to live at peace with everyone.” Take a breath and focus on making responsible choices to calm the situation down, but start by calming yourself down first. This is a way to slow down the crazy coaster of conflict and break out of having another needless circle argument.

If you are an avoider, then step up to face the issues directly instead of stuffing it inside or trying to shy away from whatever tensions you may be trying to not deal with at work or at home. Since many people would rather avoid than deal with issues it will be important to remember the different stages of conflict to challenge you to grow to a stronger level of honest expression.

Conflict levels:
The real issue, (this is the only level that a solution can occur on)
Attack, blame, ignore, or circle argue which only leads to more conflict
Question everything, feel confused or full of doubt that things will change
Escape the relationship or give up on things ever changing

To break out of a circle argument- focus on finding and dealing with the real issue. If you are in a conflict with a small child who says, ‘you’re not the boss of me,’ focus on the immaturity and selfishness that can get in the way of rational thought. If you are facing a power struggle with a co-worker who is acting like a small child use the same approach. Face things directly and talk about the real issues. Don’t shout and don’t sulk. Just get real.

When you begin to take bold action to honestly face issues you will see the level of conflict begin to decrease and the level of satisfaction in your relationships increase which is a lot better way to live than being stuck on the crazy coaster of conflict.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. Thanks!

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida). Sign up for our complimentary counseling & coaching resources at www.lifeworksgroup.org "

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Creating positive change with healthy choice

Why don’t people change?
Understanding the connection between feeling ‘normal’ and being ‘healthy’

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park

People don't change until they think they need to, in fact, it’s completely and totally impossible to experience real behavioral change, (lasting longer than 21 days), without understanding this foundational process and more importantly, knowing what to do about it in your personal life or situation. This is based on the dramatic difference between two extremely powerful dynamics that can be traced back to our deepest beliefs which lay buried inside our heart, (spirit) and our brain, (soul). It is essential to know the difference between these two psychological elements because it is the absolute most important part of moving forward to experience dramatic life change.

Until you understand how this internal process impacts you personally, you will be helpless and powerless as you spiral back and forth between habitual behavior and hopelessness. However, when you take time to understand these internal dynamics a couple of important things begin to happen. Your failure cycle begins to slow, and then stop and then begin to spin in a new direction toward a better way of life. While this sounds good, be forewarned- the longer you have reinforced a pattern of habitual failure; the harder it may be to head into a new direction of real change, one that begins on the inside long before you see it show up on the outside.

Here is the basic formula to understand the process of real and lasting change in your personal or professional life; followed by a comprehensive analysis of each to guide you past the mental barriers block you from achieving the process of lasting change so you can begin to live a better quality of life-

One force is fueled by the very powerful emotional connection of ‘feeling Normal’

The other force is driven by an even more powerful dynamic- ‘being Healthy’

Normal-

There are multiple factors which cause an individual to feel "normal" which simply means, 'normal to me'. Even though you don’t think about it very much, you already know almost every single element that has built up to create this massive internal belief that affects so much of every aspect of your behavior in every part of your life- home, work, relationships, finances, spirituality and health.

Different people describe it different ways; like feeling comfortable or trying to be reasonable; others may describe it through comparisons like, ‘everyone does it this way,’ or ‘everybody knows that this is the right way to do it,’ and still others use the rationale of ‘it’s crazy not to do it this way’ because to them it is totally automatic to view a situation according to their previous life experiences. No matter how many roads you zoom down to try and describe the process, all roads eventually lead back to your core belief about what it really means to be normal.

Here are a few of the more than one hundred variables that psychologists and behavioral counselors can use to measure how you define being normal. Think through them while you are reading to see how quickly you can spot how some of these factors have influenced and shaped your life.

Age, gender, culture, educational level, birth order, number of siblings, family background, personality, socio-economic factors, religious beliefs, work ethic, marital history, community values, family of origin, work experiences, school experiences, failures, successes, accidents, illnesses, organizational ability, friends, peers, professional colleagues, vacations, travel, holidays, teams, sports, concerts, entertainment events, geographic moves, difficult changes, painful losses, significant births, tragic deaths, traumatic events, wise mentors, patient coaches, caring teachers, loving pastors, gentle grandparents, reading books, mass-media, television, music or film, childhood memories, and the list of key factors goes on and on.

Remember, it’s not one or even a dozen factors that lead to our understanding of what is ‘normal’ because it’s based on a very complex mental process that is simple for us to sort through since we grew up with it, but extremely difficult for others to try and grasp without specific training or extensive education on the subject. Also, unless someone is very well connected to knowing what they believe inside, the media influences that come from images or ideas found in television, films, music, magazines or music are among the greatest forms of influence of what each of us believe to be ‘normal’.

Normal is our way of trying to describe things that feel comfortable or acceptable to us as well as being one of the main factors that lead to shaping what we automatically come to expect from others and what we eventually begin to attack in ourselves. You are beginning to see that ‘normal’ doesn’t mean what you think it does, and the opposite of normal isn’t really abnormal or ‘crazy’ even though that’s how a lot of people try to describe it because it feels so different, weird or difficult to comprehend.

This is why what appears to be ‘crazy’ to some is completely and totally acceptable and even automatic to others. Some people boldly label others as ‘health-nuts’ and they only smile and take it as a compliment, while others who are boldly called ‘junk-food junkies’ or ‘couch potatoes’ simply laugh it off as a joke. Both sides may be trying to boldly communicate a point, but all the other person hears is noise because they know deep inside their heart and mind that they are normal, and everyone else would of course then believe what they believe- because it’s so, well, normal! Think about all of the conflict, confusion and miscommunication that come into our lives because of this very powerful connection between what is ‘normal’ and what is really considered ‘healthy’.

For example, research shows that 80% of American women don’t like their body image at all, and many even report completely hating their body image.

Is this because they don’t have the ability to take a deep breath, or have clear skin tone, or ten fingers, ten toes, two ears, one nose and two eyes that can track light? (Which is how many hospitals ‘score’ a newly delivered baby who has just arrived on the planet via their mother’s tummy- they measure that child’s normal appearance and functioning body parts using the Apgar scale

What is the Apgar score?
One minute — and again five minutes — after a baby is born, doctors calculate the Apgar score to see how he's doing. It's a simple process that helps determine whether your newborn is ready to meet the world without additional medical assistance. This score — developed by anesthesiologist Virginia Apgar back in 1952 is used to rates a baby's appearance, pulse, responsiveness, muscle activity, and breathing with a number between zero and 2 (2 being the strongest rating). The numbers are totaled, and 10 is considered a perfect score, It's easy to remember what's being tested by thinking of the letters in the name "Apgar": Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration.

Or is because they don’t believe they measure up to “Hollywood” standards of outward beauty and appearance? (which is about a lot more than the right number of body parts because it is based on looking, acting and behaving on the outside like some celebrity they will never meet, instead of just acting like themselves and being at peace with who they are on the inside). If a woman embraces the false belief that a particular body image will guarantee acceptance and approval she will never be happy on the inside, because age and gravity will always be working against her on the outside.

Contrast this unbelievable amount of insecurity in American females, (some as young as 9 years old), with women in other parts of the world where these media influences aren’t present and you know what happens? The opposite thing happens. That’s because those women aren’t influenced by outside images at all, so they don’t worry about their body size at all either. Why is that? Because the word “normal” to them is based on more realistic factors much closer to their own experience, genetics and culture.

American parents seem to spend way too much time begging, pleading or demanding that their daughters either lose or gain weight, yet it’s often totally ignored and interpreted as nothing but noise by a girl who has been heavily influenced by the unrealistic images of beauty painted by media, instead of an obtainable body image based on who she is as a young woman perfectly designed by a God who loves her very much. Regardless of age, nothing really can change in a man or woman’s behavior or lifestyle until there is a change in thinking about what feels ‘normal’ to the much bigger dynamic of personal beliefs that dramatically can lead us to a lifetime of really being ‘healthy’.

Another example that may describe intellectually almost everyone knows they shouldn’t smoke tobacco; however, that knowledge doesn’t change their behavior one bit. There is more information available on the dangers of smoking tobacco now than there ever has been in the history of the world, yet it doesn’t stop people from buying or smoking cigarettes with virtually no regard for the health risks that are printed on the side of every pack.

Little kids can even beg their parents with tears to ‘please stop smoking’ while pouring out their anger, love or fears over their own mom or dad’s health yet it does no good to change the behavior, or to change it for very long. What’s going on? Are they nuts? What more could it possibly take to get the message across than the broken heart of one’s own son or daughter? A million dollars? Nope- or ten million either because no amount of money, begging, pleading, or even legal boundaries about age or not smoking in an elevator or bed for basic safety can change a person’s use of tobacco from the outside, when they have accepted how normal and necessary it is for them to have it on the inside.

This powerful, (but often invisible to us), dynamic functions as an ‘auto-pilot’ in our brain and can trigger continual conflicts, habitual impulsiveness, compulsive behaviors or addictive relapses every single time it comes up- from age five to eighty-five. It is the source behind being completely out of control with our words or actions, even when we know better- at home or work and typically gets worse over time if not addressed. This dynamic is also what ignites or explodes the major problems we have with other people, because it is the source of most marital fights, business failures and financial struggles.

Our invisible expectations are quite visible to everyone else, yet silently keep growing bigger inside of us because they are often fueled by our core beliefs and strongly held convictions about what is ‘normal’ and ‘right’ to want or desire in a particular situation at home or work, no matter how out of balance, unreasonable, irrational or expensive that desire might actually be. This process actually gets much more intense based on the closeness and connection of the relationship being considered- which explains why we seem to demand the most from the people in our family and the least from total stranger… leading to dumping the most anger and frustration on the one we are supposed to love the most; while apologizing and being the most kind to a stranger. The closer you are- the more you will either add tremendous value to a better quality of life, or cause the most pain- there isn’t much middle ground on this one.

There are almost as many techniques and therapeutic approaches that can be used to map out how to change each individual element of being ‘normal’ so you can imagine that it might take a long time to struggle through each and everyone to finally ‘get your life together’ enough to begin to really practice the principles that lead to a lifetime of wellness, contentment and peace. Good news! There is a better way! One that you can begin right now called, “Never Go Back” and it’s based on the principles of being Healthy, instead of just feeling normal.

These factors are almost always enmeshed and intertwined throughout multiple areas of our lives and determine the base level of self-esteem, self-discipline and self-motivation that shape a tremendous amount of the success we will have in life. (about 80% or so), Once you can determine what a person will do in a particular set of circumstances, you can almost always predict what they will do again and again. Some people have a built in belief system about life that causes them to continually self-improve in some areas while just as quickly self-destructing in others, (think Elvis). Why such an imbalance and gap? Because they grew up where certain ‘core values were continually taught, modeled, and rewarded so in that area, they learned the ‘habit’ of success. Once you the see how easy it is to view the image

This tremendously powerful dynamic between what is ‘Normal’ & ‘Healthy’ is especially easy to get confused when it’s about something we have to deal with every single day of our lives from the cradle to the grave; nope, it’s not love- and it’s not money- but it is food. Sometimes the most common problem for many people begins in their childhood because they begin to use food to ‘fix’ other problems or pressures. It doesn’t work for kids and eventually destroys adults.

You are beginning to see that the changes necessary to Never Go Back are based on internal beliefs and core values, instead of external changes like joining a new fitness club or buying a bathing suit you can’t fit into to hang in the bathroom as an incentive to change. That’s why some people never seem to get better because all they have ever known is failure and frustration and the hopelessness of gradually giving up on their dreams. They don’t know what’s like to live free from the psychological power of food controlling their lives, so they keep trying and trying a process that brings more pain, difficulty and failure; while their dreams of a healthier lifestyle are slipping away and slowly dying and dying.

There is something better than just dreaming about a balanced and healthy lifestyle- living it! That’s what this book is about. This process has worked for others for countless centuries because it’s built on the God’s foundational truths that never change and will always work, regardless of a person’s gender, age, culture, personality, resources or education. Good news! By reading this far, you have already taken some bold steps to experience a permanent lifestyle change, because you now understand the internal dynamic that points you toward continual self-improvement or self-destruction. Now you can move forward to understand how something as basic as food can be triggered in one of four predictable ways, any one of which can continually defeat you from real change, or continually bring wellness to your body, mind and spirit. It’s time to take what you learned and move forward to master the food triggers that have held you back for too long.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. 407-647-7005). Join our complimentary eNews of practical counseling and coaching articles by visiting www.LifeWorksGroup.org "

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by joining the thousands of readers who receive our weekly eNews full of practical tips to add greater value to your life. Receive these important special reports and step by step resources at no cost by subscribing on the home page of our website, www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

4 strategies to build successful kids

What do Successful Kids really N.E.E.D?
The 4 key strategies of highly effective parenting

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Hundreds of times I’ve been asked questions after talk shows or speaking events about what it takes to set up a child to win at life. Basically people were asking for a step by step guidebook on how to meet the needs of a child, while leading them toward a life of early success instead of long term failure. It’s a great question, but since every child is different and every family has to overcome various challenges at different stages of life, there isn’t a 100% time tested answer to that question. That’s not bad news, it’s just life, but there is some good news if you want a sure bet solution to create strong and healthy kids; which comes from the advice that psychologist James Dobson told me once, “no matter how hard you try, your kids could still break all the rules and break your heart in the process- so stay on your knees and pray hard!”

After you pray for them, here's a simple parenting formula that can help you to set your kids up to grow, mature and develop at any stage of life. I call it the “N.E.E.D. Formula” because it spells out the word need with the four key parenting strategies necessary to bring positive change to the children or teens in your life. Another important element is that the N.E.E.D. Formula will keep you on track as a balanced parent committed to bringing out the best in your kids without overindulging, over-protecting or over-controlling your children. (See more on this subject in the new book “Loving your child too much” by psychologists Tim Clinton & Gary Sibcy, Integrity Publishers, 2007).

Here are the four essential parenting strategies your child needs to succeed.

N- Nourish
This includes parenting a child through all of the basics required to survive on this planet; including, providing food, shelter, clothing, shoes, grooming supplies and training in how to do everything from dressing yourself, tying your own shoes, brushing your own teeth and knowing how to take care of your body with healthy food choices, hydration and getting enough sleep. Add to these basic elements of parenting basic medical and dental care as required by the needs of the child and you have the first category required to raise healthy children. .

- When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of Safety


E- Encourage
This is the ‘soft love’ that children need to experience so often, which includes hugs, tickles, giggles, praise, ‘atta-boy’s or atta-girl’s’, kisses and lots of unconditional acceptance expressed verbally, like ‘I love you no matter what” especially when a child may be facing a difficult time or trying to recover from a painful experience or rejection.

- When this need is met a child feels a deep sense of Security


E- Equip
This is the ‘hard love’ that is most simply expressed through the word ‘no’. When a child begins to respect their parents, and really listens to the advice, counsel and direction provided by their mom and dad they begin the process of becoming equipped with incredible character qualities like self-discipline, self-control, responsibility and an understanding of boundaries, consequences and taking ownership for their behavior by being accountable to the authority sources in their life. (Like parents, grandparents, teachers and law enforcement officers.)

- When this need is met a child develops confidence and Strength


D- Develop
Perhaps the most overlooked element in this process, because many parents forget that that their role of being a mommy or daddy isn’t forever. God set up a system of raising children to become strong young people to then launch them out into the world and let them go live their own lives. (Or as the popular song lyric goes, ‘Give them roots and give them wings).

This area includes coaching, guiding, educating, creating learning experiences, providing classes, training or growth events that nurture and develop the basic strengths of that child to become the man or woman that God designed them to be.

-When this need is met a child experiences early Success


Now, let’s get personal - if you are gutsy, score yourself on a scale of 1-25, (25 is the highest), in each category to see how you are doing as a parent. Most parents do a great job in the N and E of the formula, but then begin to drop off on the second E and often get so busy that they never do much with the final D part of the formula at all. If a child has too many things provided for them, they don’t mature on track which can lead to falling way behind their peers in terms of becoming independent thinkers and self-reliant young adults.

Once you have identified the gaps in your own parenting style I challenge you to take positive action to work on your parenting approach so can you get better results with your kids at this stage of life. If you see one of the four key areas that are scored at 12 or below, then you may want to do some research to discover more specific ways to help your child be your best in those categories. If you are below a 5 in a particular category you may want to seek some professional guidance to maximize your potential as a parent in every area of your child’s life.


Fighting back against the two biggest roadblocks to raising strong kids

Here are a few other key strategies that may help you bring out the best in your kids every day since I want you to have the best tools and resources possible to help your son or daughter be their best. Do this by overcoming the two biggest obstacles that tend to ‘steal’ your kids away from your parental influence. Those categories are Peers and Media. Solve this by using the strategies below to build stronger connections with their peers, then learning how to make positive connections in their choices of media and finally aggressively building on the natural strengths of your child.


1) Connection to a peer with similar values.

Battle back against negative peers by guiding your child toward peers with similar personality and similar family backgrounds and then nurture your child’s relationship with those positive peers. Sheila and I have rescheduled vacations, holidays and other planned family gatherings to make sure that our kids were able to experience every healthy relationship experience possible. Does that mean we are 'meddling' behind the scenes to get a more favorable outcome- you bet! Remember, it only takes one good friend in childhood or the turbulent teen years who can talk you out of making a bad decision, or one bad friend who can take you down. Peers have more power than parents at different stages, so take every action you can to point them toward positive role models and toward building healthy relationships today.

Peers are the #1 influencer during middle and high school so if you aren’t sure how to find healthy kids for your children to connect with, then remember to check out their friends from school or church groups, sports, or perhaps your child could make a great connection through someone they might meet in a specialty camp, like YMCA swimming lessons, Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, or Joe White's incredibly effective sports camps- http://www.kanakuk.com/ . Our daughter Heidi has made and kept friends through the years who shared similar interests and values through her wonderful summer experiences at the Billy Graham summer program for kids in Black Mountain, NC, called "Camp Cedar Cliff" http://www.bgtc.info/ ).


2) Connection to positive media with a message they really relate to.

Find great movies, (Films like "Facing the Giants" for older kids or perhaps “Meet the Robinsons” for the younger set), powerful songs or fun TV shows that teach an important message - like FOX's hit TV show- “Are you smarter than a 5th grader”, which is a combination between “Who wants to be a millionaire” & “Jeopardy”. It’s a fun way to connect as a family because it shows that very bright 5th graders are very often smarter than 'average' adults in academic subjects so it’s a fun way to get everyone in the family involved in learning the basic facts of science, math or literature.

Another strategy to utilize is to consider how adding DVR or Tivo, (which is an add-on to your cable service and may require a new box), because this technology allows you to auto save the programs you want, and save time by fast forwarding past the commercials. This also gives you the power to pick whatever television shows your family can benefit from so they can watch things that empower, educate and inform when it's most convenient, and gives you total parental control of the advertising messages they are exposed to.

Check out other great resources to help you find the best media fit for your child, like The Truth Project www.Truthproject.org on developing a Christian world view, or the Parents Television Council. http://www.parentstv.org/, the National Institute on Media and the Family, http://www.mediafamily.org/, The Dove Foundation, (which reviews music, films and television), http://www.dove.org/ or the really cool resource for parents to understand all forms of media and their influence on kids, “Plugged In Magazine- Online” at http://www.pluggedinonline.com/


3) Personality is the third factor, which is to find your child’s passion, (strength), as early as possible.

If someone is in love with piano, diving, golf, martial arts, small business, film, cartooning, tennis, skiing, newspaper, art, baseball, football, volunteering at the rescue mission, or FFA, it gives them valuable experience in the areas that they are best suited for, while protecting them from the dark side of culture reflected in the old saying, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.”

I can still vividly remember how my parents guided me during my middle teen years with seeking out opportunities for me to do volunteer work at media stations. My early experiences at WDBO-AM, WFTV-TV9/ABC, WTLN-AM and WMFE-TV24/PBS created a love for communicating through media that lives on to this day. Media communication experiences in my middle teen years led to the desire to learn how to be a public speaker through joining the speech club, Toastmasters International, (www.toastmasters.org/) after high school. My parents wisely planted seeds during my childhood years that have grown into a lifetime of positive career experiences working in the field of communications by God's grace.

(Side note: The book I recommended for adults to better understand building on strengths is "Now Discover your Strengths" by Marcus Buckingham and Don Clifton. Dr. James Dobson has a tremendous amount of practical parenting strategies to overcome the most challenging of situations at his website, www.Family.org . And if your child struggles with school work or test anxiety, I highly recommend the insightful book by Dr. Mel Levine on the unbelievable challenges that face kids during the middle school years through high school, "Ready or Not, here life comes" or the wealth of information on learning style differences available at his excellent website, www.AllKindsofMinds.com which shows how to bring out the best in kids that don't fit the 'cookie cutter' system of education used in many places. One size may fit all in flip-flops but it doesn’t work with children, so search until you find the role models and resources that will help you to best help your child).

Once you know what your child’s passion and strengths are - then actively get involved in building their confidence by developing those strengths by studying the lives of positive role models your child can identify with, or by finding private lessons to help them best utilize their skills, talents and natural abilities, or through summer camps. For instance if your child loved the ocean, consider Camp Sea World, where kids and parents actually do overnight camping in the park next to the Killer whales; or if a child is older they could attend the week long intensive programs offered by Sea World during the summer months and then come home and tell you all about what they learned as they begin to stretch their wings to fly away from home for a little while at this stage, to eventually soar out into the world as a confident young person.

Taking positive action now by planting seeds of greatness inside your son or daughter and then watering and developing those seeds to meet your child’s N.E.E.D.’s in a powerful way will set your kids up to win, and when they experience success early in life so do you! Do whatever you can now to help your kids with the N.E.E.D. Formula because the clock is ticking and you don’t get any time back. Remove any roadblock that keeps you from being the best mom or dad that you can be and do it today!

If this seems overwhelming to you, then here’s a simple strategy from my friend John Trent, PhD who challenges all of us to get involved in our kids lives through a series of tiny steps that eventually bring huge results. (learn more about this user-friendly concept in his book, The 2 degree Difference” available from his website, http://www.strongfamilies.com/) This message is made even more real as you listen to the words of noted author C.S. Lewis, who said, “Good and evil both increase at compound interest. This is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance.”

This is your time to step up to make a positive difference in the life of your kids, so I hope that you will be challenged to meet their N.E.E.D.’s in a new way. Who knows, one day I may get to rejoice along with you as your child experiences early success because of your wise influence as the most important person on the planet to them. Between now and “launch time”- know that you are not alone in the journey and that there are people who will help you past the rough spots with your kids and even more who will cheer as your son or daughter experiences early success in the future from the seeds you planted in their lives today.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

the crazy roller coaster of conflict - circle arguments

The Crazy Roller Coaster of Conflict
How to break out of circle arguments to find peaceful connection

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

“It’s your fault!”
“No it’s yours!”
“Oh yea, well you’re a bigger one!”

And on, and on the conflict goes. It’s what I call a circle argument because it goes around and around and never really gets anywhere and everyone ends up feeling bad. Sort of like a seriously dysfunctional merry-go-round except a lot more dangerous- it’s what I call the “Crazy Roller Coaster of Conflict.”

Are you a roller coaster fan or do they just make you fearful? I’ve found that most people are clearly on one side or the other, so let me ask it again. Do you really love the twists and turns of giant thrill rides or does it seem completely crazy to you?

If you absolutely can’t get enough of coasters you are not alone. Almost 300 million people visit theme parks every year and many of them are roller coaster enthusiasts. They love the excitement of a controlled setting that provides a rapid rush without any real risk.

So, if you love coasters let me ask the question again, but changing just one factor- the safety harness. You know, the big foam covered steel brace that covers your chest and completely locks you snugly into the seat. What if that safety harness failed 20% of the time? Would you like the ride with the risk of hanging on for your life one out of every five trips? Nah, I wouldn’t either. It would be a crazy coaster and only people totally out of touch with reality would ever get on it and they certainly wouldn’t ride it twice.

Conflict in relationships is a lot like the crazy coaster- it races round and round and occasionally you feel like you are hanging on for your life. That’s why most people don’t like conflict. They believe that no one wins the fight and that both sides end up losing so they try to avoid the tension of conflict by doing everything possible to avoid ever getting on the roller coaster of conflict.


Conflict- a disagreement, struggle or battle over opposing issues or principles. From the Latin word ‘conflictus’ meaning an act of striking together or clashing with. – Webster’s Dictionary

Everyone has to deal with conflict at every stage of life, consider-

-Little kids who have conflict with their mom over bedtime or eating veggies
-Employees who have conflict with co-workers because of office politics
-Students who have conflict with the bully on the playground
-Husbands who have conflict with their spouse over spending
-Wife’s who have conflict with their mate over sloppiness
-Teachers who have conflict with students who won’t do assignments
-Politicians who have conflict with each other about who has the best plan
-Roommates who have conflict over who cleans up the kitchen
-Friends who have conflict over differences of opinion and belief

Since everyone has conflict, the bigger question is what will you do about it? People develop a style of managing conflict in childhood which flows out of their personality and family of origin. If you grew up in an environment where everyone stayed quiet and stuffed anger to avoid conflict then you will likely do the same. If your childhood home was full of shouts and mean spirited fighting was a daily occurrence then you will repeat the process. It can be pretty hard to break the cycle but it can be done if you are ready to change. Here are some insights to help you break out of circle arguments to move forward to have real connection in your communication with others.

Start by identifying the type of conflict that you are facing

Internal- struggling inside between multiple choices or decisions

Personal- struggling with opinions between you and other people

Organizational- competition, clashes or power struggles within or between groups, (like
countries, families, schools, churches or political parties)


Next- track your typical response to conflict

1) Attacking-
When facing conflict you take an approach that includes traits of attacking others aggressively or passively with actions that could be described as- controlling, judgmental, close-minded, critical, using power plays, attacks behind your back, uses criticism and “put-downs”, starts false rumors, pretends to have done nothing wrong, complaints, making negative statements about everything, blames others, pulls others into disagreements, delights in misery of others.

2) Avoiding-
When facing conflict you take an approach that actively tries to avoid any form of pressure from others by choosing one of the following- playing dumb, withdraws, stuffs emotions, indecisive, acts innocent, defensive, sidesteps the issue, twists or bends the truth, blames others, avoids facing the truth about themselves and the situations around them.
Finally- focus on taking positive action based on your personality

If you are an attacker personality, then step back and remember the words of St. Paul who taught, “As much as possible try to live at peace with everyone.” Take a breath and focus on making responsible choices to calm the situation down, but start by calming yourself down first. This is a way to slow down the crazy coaster of conflict and break out of having another needless circle argument.

If you are an avoider, then step up to face the issues directly instead of stuffing it inside or trying to shy away from whatever tensions you may be trying to not deal with at work or at home. Since many people would rather avoid than deal with issues it will be important to remember the different stages of conflict to challenge you to grow to a stronger level of honest expression.

Conflict levels:

-The real issue, (this is the only level that a solution can occur on)
-Attack, blame, ignore, or circle argue which only leads to more conflict
-Question everything, feel confused or full of doubt that things will change
-Escape the relationship or give up on things ever changing

To break out of a circle argument- focus on finding and dealing with the real issue. If you are in a conflict with a small child who says, ‘you’re not the boss of me,’ focus on the immaturity and selfishness that can get in the way of rational thought. If you are facing a power struggle with a co-worker who is acting like a small child use the same approach. Face things directly and talk about the real issues. Don’t shout and don’t sulk. Just get real.

When you begin to take bold action to honestly face issues you will see the level of conflict begin to decrease and the level of satisfaction in your relationships increase which is a lot better way to live than being stuck on the crazy coaster of conflict.


Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. Thanks!

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida). Sign up for our complimentary counseling & coaching resources at www.lifeworksgroup.org "

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org