the crazy roller coaster of conflict - circle arguments

The Crazy Roller Coaster of Conflict
How to break out of circle arguments to find peaceful connection

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

“It’s your fault!”
“No it’s yours!”
“Oh yea, well you’re a bigger one!”

And on, and on the conflict goes. It’s what I call a circle argument because it goes around and around and never really gets anywhere and everyone ends up feeling bad. Sort of like a seriously dysfunctional merry-go-round except a lot more dangerous- it’s what I call the “Crazy Roller Coaster of Conflict.”

Are you a roller coaster fan or do they just make you fearful? I’ve found that most people are clearly on one side or the other, so let me ask it again. Do you really love the twists and turns of giant thrill rides or does it seem completely crazy to you?

If you absolutely can’t get enough of coasters you are not alone. Almost 300 million people visit theme parks every year and many of them are roller coaster enthusiasts. They love the excitement of a controlled setting that provides a rapid rush without any real risk.

So, if you love coasters let me ask the question again, but changing just one factor- the safety harness. You know, the big foam covered steel brace that covers your chest and completely locks you snugly into the seat. What if that safety harness failed 20% of the time? Would you like the ride with the risk of hanging on for your life one out of every five trips? Nah, I wouldn’t either. It would be a crazy coaster and only people totally out of touch with reality would ever get on it and they certainly wouldn’t ride it twice.

Conflict in relationships is a lot like the crazy coaster- it races round and round and occasionally you feel like you are hanging on for your life. That’s why most people don’t like conflict. They believe that no one wins the fight and that both sides end up losing so they try to avoid the tension of conflict by doing everything possible to avoid ever getting on the roller coaster of conflict.


Conflict- a disagreement, struggle or battle over opposing issues or principles. From the Latin word ‘conflictus’ meaning an act of striking together or clashing with. – Webster’s Dictionary

Everyone has to deal with conflict at every stage of life, consider-

-Little kids who have conflict with their mom over bedtime or eating veggies
-Employees who have conflict with co-workers because of office politics
-Students who have conflict with the bully on the playground
-Husbands who have conflict with their spouse over spending
-Wife’s who have conflict with their mate over sloppiness
-Teachers who have conflict with students who won’t do assignments
-Politicians who have conflict with each other about who has the best plan
-Roommates who have conflict over who cleans up the kitchen
-Friends who have conflict over differences of opinion and belief

Since everyone has conflict, the bigger question is what will you do about it? People develop a style of managing conflict in childhood which flows out of their personality and family of origin. If you grew up in an environment where everyone stayed quiet and stuffed anger to avoid conflict then you will likely do the same. If your childhood home was full of shouts and mean spirited fighting was a daily occurrence then you will repeat the process. It can be pretty hard to break the cycle but it can be done if you are ready to change. Here are some insights to help you break out of circle arguments to move forward to have real connection in your communication with others.

Start by identifying the type of conflict that you are facing

Internal- struggling inside between multiple choices or decisions

Personal- struggling with opinions between you and other people

Organizational- competition, clashes or power struggles within or between groups, (like
countries, families, schools, churches or political parties)


Next- track your typical response to conflict

1) Attacking-
When facing conflict you take an approach that includes traits of attacking others aggressively or passively with actions that could be described as- controlling, judgmental, close-minded, critical, using power plays, attacks behind your back, uses criticism and “put-downs”, starts false rumors, pretends to have done nothing wrong, complaints, making negative statements about everything, blames others, pulls others into disagreements, delights in misery of others.

2) Avoiding-
When facing conflict you take an approach that actively tries to avoid any form of pressure from others by choosing one of the following- playing dumb, withdraws, stuffs emotions, indecisive, acts innocent, defensive, sidesteps the issue, twists or bends the truth, blames others, avoids facing the truth about themselves and the situations around them.
Finally- focus on taking positive action based on your personality

If you are an attacker personality, then step back and remember the words of St. Paul who taught, “As much as possible try to live at peace with everyone.” Take a breath and focus on making responsible choices to calm the situation down, but start by calming yourself down first. This is a way to slow down the crazy coaster of conflict and break out of having another needless circle argument.

If you are an avoider, then step up to face the issues directly instead of stuffing it inside or trying to shy away from whatever tensions you may be trying to not deal with at work or at home. Since many people would rather avoid than deal with issues it will be important to remember the different stages of conflict to challenge you to grow to a stronger level of honest expression.

Conflict levels:

-The real issue, (this is the only level that a solution can occur on)
-Attack, blame, ignore, or circle argue which only leads to more conflict
-Question everything, feel confused or full of doubt that things will change
-Escape the relationship or give up on things ever changing

To break out of a circle argument- focus on finding and dealing with the real issue. If you are in a conflict with a small child who says, ‘you’re not the boss of me,’ focus on the immaturity and selfishness that can get in the way of rational thought. If you are facing a power struggle with a co-worker who is acting like a small child use the same approach. Face things directly and talk about the real issues. Don’t shout and don’t sulk. Just get real.

When you begin to take bold action to honestly face issues you will see the level of conflict begin to decrease and the level of satisfaction in your relationships increase which is a lot better way to live than being stuck on the crazy coaster of conflict.

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. Thanks!

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida). Sign up for our complimentary counseling & coaching resources at www.lifeworksgroup.org "

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

frozen by the fear of wrond decisions

Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions
A coaching process to guide you toward greater results

by Dwight Bain, Certified Life Coach & Nationally Certified Counselor

One of my favorite sayings to share with people facing a major decision is "you always have options." Yet in challenging times people are often so frozen by fear from making a wrong decision that they don't make a decision at all and life passes them by. Think of how many events in life are complicated or missed completely because of the roadblock of being afraid to fail by making a decision and then making that decision work...

-Marriages that didn't happen because of a shy guy with cold feet

-Promotions that never occurred because of the fear of asking for it

-Scholarships left on a table somewhere because someone was afraid to fill out the paperwork

-Trips to exotic places that were always talked about, but never taken because no one sat down to schedule it

-Relationships that failed because someone didn't decide to work on issues and quietly let things 'slip, slide away'

-Forgiveness that was never granted because someone never got past the fear of saying that they were sorry

I've noticed that people will fit into one of the following levels when facing a major decision. Think about where you are in the process.

Level 1- Go Numb- and do nothing

This level is where an individual is so paralyzed by fear that they can't take action and may experience major signs or symptoms of distress. When someone feels numb inside, they often describe their life as being in a 'fog' and often crash in the process. This may be the most dangerous level of all.

Level 2- Passive Pleasing

This level is about pleasing others in a very non-assertive way. The people pleaser personality is passively trying to avoid a conflict, yet often their quietness of not dealing with issues is covering up an emotional explosion that can erupt at any time. This person looks quiet and pleasant on the outside, yet often is irritated and frustrated on the inside.

Level 3- Mediocrity in the Middle of the Road

When people are trying to be politically correct they often will just sit in the middle of the road on an issue. Are they conservative or liberal, do they see things as white or black? You never know because this person refuses to take a stand- often because they either don't care about the situation to have an opinion about it, or are afraid to say it. The risk of sitting in the middle of the road is that you will eventually be run over by a more direct personality who knows where they are going.

Level 4- Active & Assertive Expression

If you know what you believe and are able to express it then you are in a situation of active and assertive expression. People know where you stand because you tell them, instead of trying to hint around for them to read your mind. This level may lead to some hurt feelings on occasion, but those are soon forgotten because positive action eventually leads to positive results.
Level 5- Energetic- Do it all with Enthusiasm

This level is a joy to watch develop in a person's life when facing a major decision. They KNOW that it's the right person to marry, or the right college to attend, or the best time to move on to a better career. There is such a degree of personal power in energetic decision makers that people just want to be around them to gain insight and strength to face the decisions they need to make in their own lives with more confidence. Everyone loves to be around level 5 decision makers because even if the things that need to change aren't pleasant, this individual is able to communicate in such a way that it is just natural to follow their lead.

As you think through the 5 levels of decision making, I hope you saw most of your personal or professional life in either level 4 or 5, because that is where the action is. You can't get results if you are frozen by the fear of being indecisive. Life is changing fast and you must be focused on how to rapidly change with it if you want to be more successful.
Here is a LifeWorks Group exercise designed to coach you through the decision process. Hopefully you can use it today to rapidly sort through your options to come up with a rock solid decision and build a better future. So take out your legal pad, or map it out in an email to review with a coach, mentor or friend as you move from being frozen by fear to growing forward in greater faith because you have mastered the secrets to making right decisions.

STRATEGIC COACHING DECISION MAKING PROCESS

-Define a particular problem, question or choice you are currently struggling with

-List your options for resolving the question or choice

-Write the possible outcomes for each option, both short term and long term

-Write the benefits or risks of each option

-Determine which option corresponds most closely with your overall values and goals

-Determine which option is the healthiest choice for all involved

-Is this a decision you can commit to for a specified period of time, and if so how long?

-Talk with a supportive/trusted people about the options and write down useful suggestions: (it may be tempting to skip this step, but this is one of the most valuable parts of gaining an objective perspective and to 'test' your ideas before you put them into practice).

Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

the psychology of Post-Election Distress Syndrome

Understanding the psychology of Post-Election Distress Syndrome
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor

A major election leads to major change- psychologically that is. No matter who wins an election, the unexpected emotional let down or explosive reaction after the ballots are counted can be overwhelming to many, especially the aged or over-involved who can be set up for crushing amounts of what I call P.E.D.S. or Post-Election Distress Syndrome.

This most recent election has been the most stressful of any during our lifetime because of numbing news fatigue and continual media over-exposure, yet the real problems are yet to come. Personal anxiety, professional panic and poorly thought out decisions are on the horizon regardless of your political persuasion.

Why such a gloomy projection?

It’s based on how this election process has been so overwhelming much of the time with months of negative news, never ending data to process and confusing choices to make on complex issues while partisan experts are shouting every half-hour on news/talk stations that we are all doomed if their candidate doesn’t win. Not to mention the huge challenge on who is trust-worthy, since you often don’t know who will say something inappropriate on YouTube and crash their credibility, leaving you feeling very alone to make some major decisions without leaders who lacked the strength of character to stand on their convictions instead of popular opinion polls.

Mountain top experiences guarantee the next step is always the valley

Think of a major campaign like climbing a major mountain range. You prepare for years and climb for months to finally reach the top. Once there the view is great. You take some pictures, but you can’t stay on a mountain top, so no matter which way you head, it’s down in any direction. After the mountain top comes the valley, which is a normal part of life. The danger is that for many people the downward slide is so unexpected. Most actual mountain climbing accidents happen on the way down, and I project that there will be millions of people who are unprepared for the emotional upheaval they are about to experience after the election is over.

Everyone will feel some degree of emotional let down once the issues have been decided and the acceptance speeches are given. That’s normal, however for some the removal of posters, signs, balloons and banners will lead to a free fall of depressing emotions. If someone has been a ‘news junkie’ the last few months it will be especially stressful. Those feelings of distress will come out in one of two ways.

Two possible reactions to post-election distress

1) Anger –
Which can lead to violence and impulsive decisions. People who feel violated by the election process will often turn to dumping volcanic levels of anger at someone or something to find relief for the pressure inside. This can lead to devastating decisions, impulsive rage or using the wrong words in front of the wrong people and losing credibility or worse a job. This can happen in men or women, young or old, but is most commonly seen in more extroverted personalities and it tends to blow up and blow out fast. And then it tends to repeat again and again.

2) Apathy -
This is a more dangerous reaction, since it can lead from distress to the early stages of depression. Stuffing emotions inside is like burying them alive and they just keep building up, yet instead of blowing up and out, they blow in. This leads a person to feel emotionally numb, and often can cause an individual to commit a series of very quiet, yet very harmful self-destructive acts. Eating for comfort, drinking to numb the pain, hooking up with the wrong partner to try and forget about the election or just refusing to answer the phone, closing the mini-blinds and checking out on life like a hermit hiding in a dark cave.

The best choice after an election is Acceptance.
It’s over and now it’s time to move on with whatever leaders and issues the majority of voters selected. You can’t change the outcome of an election, but you can freak yourself out with fears about the future apocalypse predicted by many. Don’t do that! Life will go on, and your world will continue.

What happens in your house is way more important than what happens in the White House since you can’t control what political leaders do, but you can control you. Let this journey off of the political ‘mountain’ be one of a growing sense of perspective as you remember that after the valley there will be another mountain to climb. There will be another day to vote on national issues and when the dust settles your life will usually be about as good as you choose to make it. This approach takes the power to control your mood away from the politicians or the media, so you can build a better life without losing sleep or energy from the dangers of post-election distress syndrome.


Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it electronically or in print with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint and thanks for helping us to help others to stay calm during this season of political change.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407.647.7005 in Orlando.

Career Mapping- coaching you on how to re-engineer your career

Career Mapping-
The strategy you need to create positive career change

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

There is great power in having a road map to understand your ideal career. Think about how valuable it would be to have a detailed chart that maps out the combination of your unique life experiences with your education and skill set. Once you know your personal strengths, interests, motivations in combination with your personal career journey then you are literally set up to win at work; while experiencing positive change and growth on your way to a new level of career success. This information is valuable for students and seasoned professionals since it protects the limited resources of time and money in how to focus on the job to achieve fulfillment in life.

Most people don’t realize that we actually spend more hours of our life working than any other single activity. That’s why it’s more important than ever to know where you fit in your career, because if you are drifting and feel lost in your career, you literally are drifting and letting life slip through your fingers. Another reason why it’s important to have a clear career focus is because of some startling research which revealed that almost 80% of workers felt stress on the job, and nearly half say they need help in learning how to manage stress. 26% of workers said they were 'often or very often burned out or stressed by their work' (Gallup Management Journal).

Another survey reported that almost 8 out of ten US workers go to jobs every day that they don’t like or don’t feel well equipped to do. I suspect that one area of career drifting and weakness fuels the dissatisfaction in the other. Basically, if you don’t know where you fit, then you are set up for tremendous stress and disappointment that will ripple into every other area of life. Conversely, if you know where you fit, you life just got better and it will show in the joy on your face when it’s time to get up and go to a job that you love. When you know where you fit on your career path, you enjoy life more and worry less. So how can you tell if you are in the wrong job or the right one? One way is to take the checklist below to review the key career areas to see if you have more fulfillment on the job or just a lot of frustration as you begin your search for answers.


Career Roadblocks-

___Weak or wimpy leadership ___Little or no chance of career advancement
___Low or no company benefits ___Career burnout or continual job stress
___Continually forced overtime ___Boring work
___Feeling burned out ___Continually feeling overwhelmed by work
___Too long of a daily commute ___Career is out of balance with rest of life
___Not trusted by leadership ___Others are passing you by
___Not empowered or equipped ___Forced to do meaningless tasks
___Low pay, low benefits ___Constant complaining about money
___Given too much responsibility ___Absent leaders who don’t lead
___Mean or abusive managers ___Hostile work environment
___Low or no employee morale ___Lone wolf syndrome vs. team approach
___No validation of progress ___No job stability or security

Here’s your Career Coaching Goal:

Find your “Fit” by mapping out and blending the key elements listed in this coaching resource onto a legal pad as you put together the pieces that can become a successful career for a lifetime. Each category will help shape your thinking as you do the final assignment to discover your ‘core’ career focus from the Career Kaleidoscope exercise. Then review the results with a family member, pastor, co-worker, trusted friend or coach so you can get some honest feedback to insure that you are on track as you develop a personalized career GPS or “Global Positioning System” of your greatest skills and strengths which will become your career map of a strategic path of greater success together.

► Directions:

Customize the categories below by listing out information from your own career journey. Place in facts, names, dates or a brief description of events as you give the details that describe your strengths learned through educational or life experiences. There are no wrong answers, and some categories will be longer than others, so add or adjust space as necessary to give an accurate description of your career development. The more detail you give, the more clearly you can uncover and discover your career strengths and where you can focus to achieve maximum results. This is the story of your journey, and it is an important one.

Be honest with your successes, failures, wins and losses. If you won an award- bring it up, or if you were fired for poor performance, comment on what you learned from it. Most business people doing this exercise have strengths they don’t give themselves credit for, so just by listing out and then thinking through these topics should open your eyes to better see where you fit in your career. Answer these questions with an open mind to discover a new view of yourself and where you best fit in the world of work.

Dwight Bain’s coaching guide to discovering your ideal career placement by charting your life journey is an exercise that reveals your personal strengths and areas of excellence. Find your “Fit” by mapping out and blending the following key elements onto a legal pad or the career Kalediscope exercise attached. Then sit down with a trusted mentor or coach to review the results as you develop a personalized “GPS” tracking system of positioning your skills and strengths onto a strategic career map leading to success.

“Be direct with change and you will take charge of your life”. -Dwight Bain

† Personality (e.g. introvert/extrovert, people person/loner, loud/quiet, sanguine, melancholic, choleric, phlegmatic or D.I.S.C., Meyers-Briggs, 5 Love Languages or other scores from personality profiles you may have taken)


† Energy level in personal & professional life (high, moderate, low)


† Organizational skills in personal & professional life (perfectionist, slob, motivated, disciplined, detailed, efficient, focused, timely, etc.)


†Career Stage (e.g. just starting, starting over, leader, novice, expert, etc.)


† Age, gender & birth order in family (or placement through adoption)


† Family background (e.g. traditional nuclear family, middle class, urban, suburbs, Army “brat”, single-parent, large/small family, raised by grand-parents, blended family, and so on.)


† Cultural background (Anglo, Asian, Black, Hispanic, first generation American, as well as the region of United States you grew up in.)


† Education & school background (loved school, barely passed, sports, extra-curricular activities or leadership, GED, military, public/private, went away to a state-university or stayed home for community college, etc.)


† Current roles & relationships (include both personal and professional roles like; student, employee, share-holder, CEO, vice-president, sales manager, as well as the relationship factors of single, married, divorced, husband, wife, mother, father, senior adult caregiver, dating, loner, committed or etc.)


† Mentors & role models (include the family members, teachers, pastors, authors or leaders who shaped your thinking with their influence and indicate how much time and energy they spent with you personally or how much you were influenced through their writing or speaking. In either case, try to rank who was the most influential in your life at different stages of your life, especially before age 30.)


† Individual life experiences (travel, meeting a well-known leader or celebrity, internships, moving out on your own, rebuilding after a crisis event- like the death of a friend or a DUI, winning an award for a sport or hobby, charity work- like Habitat for Humanity or the United Way, golfing with a sports star, being featured on TV, etc.)


† Group life experiences (being on a winning team, trips with family or friends, being affected by disasters like Hurricane Andrew or the terrorist attacks of 9/11, or helping accident victims after a wreck, being in the Navy reserve during wartime, driving cross-country to a concert, etc.)


† Stressful or Traumatic Experiences (any crisis events you may have experienced or lived through, such as a major accident, living through a natural disaster like a hurricane or tornado, as well as any man made disasters like the terrorist attacks of 9/11. This might include the break up of a family through a highly contested divorce, a business failure, personal bankruptcy or a health crisis like battling against cancer. Note- these life altering events could have happened to you, or perhaps to someone else who experienced the trauma and you were their primary support through the crisis event.)


† Work Experiences (your first job, your worst job, your favorite job, being fired or having to fire a friend at work, going through a down-sizing or lay-off, being bought out by a competitor and being restructured with new owners, businesses you started or sold, etc.)


† Physical Values & Beliefs (your commitment to exercise, diet, sleep, fitness and use of healthy substances-while avoiding unhealthy ones, and the respect you have for others who have strengths or weaknesses in this area.)


† Spiritual Values & Beliefs (your commitment to personal character development and integrity through disciplined meditation, worship and religious involvement, as well as the respect you have for others who have strengths or weaknesses in this area.)


† Emotional Values & Beliefs (your commitment to develop personal maturity and self-control in managing the feelings of stress, worry, anger, fear, sadness, depression or anxiety, while displaying consistency with personal peace, kindness for others, impulse control and mental harmony as well as the respect you have for others who have strengths or weaknesses in this area.)


† Financial Values & Beliefs (your commitment to wise use of finances- both now and in the future, including budgeting to prevent impulse spending, buying or renting, cost analysis prior to major purchases, charitable giving, saving for future emergencies or investments, preventing debt, or managing current debt service and responsibility to taxes, insurances, retirement, and future expenses. Include a description of the respect you have for others who have strengths or weaknesses in this area)


† Skills & training (e.g. languages spoken, typing speed & accuracy, workshops or specialized training you have received, self-improvement groups you have participated in- like Toastmasters or Dale Carnegie, lessons taken, usage of special equipment or tools, computer programs or skills mastered, specialty products you have knowledge of, etc.)


† Certifications, licenses or earned degrees (e.g. CPA, MD, PhD, JD, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, lifeguard, CPR, certified product specialist, RN, or Reverend. Include any career training programs that you started but may have not completed and those you may have previously held at any level, including local, state, national or international. It is helpful to also note any professional goals that you may have that require future certifications or license requirements.


† Knowledge & information sources (types of books you seek out, favorite authors, primary media sources- like Internet, television, radio, newspaper or magazines. Comment on your choice of fiction/non-fiction or reality/happy ending themes, and why you choose your favorite entertainment, news, sit-coms, documentaries, how-to programs...is it to learn, relax, laugh, experience with others or escape daily life? As you list out this information be sure to indicate how much time or money you invest into your favorite information sources- for instance, “I read two books a month from the library, but spend $140 a month on cable television and high-speed Internet.)


† Talent, Natural Ability & Gifting (Honestly point out your strengths if you know them, since false humility gets in the way of this important exercise. Are you a ‘natural’ at leading others, does everyone find it easy to talk to you, or it is easy for you to stand up to give a speech? Do you love to do research, organize, or discover the hidden source of problems in people or organizations? Think about how you appear to others and describe any areas that you may have been praised for in your life; like natural physical size or strength, high intelligence or creativity, musical or athletic ability, an attractive or fit body, a great smile, expressive eyes, pretty hair, perfect teeth or a soothing or broadcast quality voice. Be sure to comment on the areas that come so easy to you, but seem to always draw admiration from others, such as; the ability to match colors in clothes, people or furnishings.

Having the artistic ability to create or reproduce images with video, film, or photography or with the use of drawing, painting, sculpting or designing. Repairing things or skillfully working with your hands on any type of material, machine or equipment. Assess your ability to put anyone at ease, work with children or the elderly, wake up feeling friendly or positive in your mood, automatically reaching out to others in need, being a great team player, eager to learn new things, always active and eager to move forward, being quick at solving puzzles, games or people problems or being called the “fix-it” person. You have these qualities- but you do have to carefully look to really see them because what comes natural to you isn’t really noticed by you. Since our society doesn’t teach us to pay much attention to natural gifting, you may find this exercise the hardest of all, so ask a trusted friend if you get stuck.)

Career Kaleidoscope Exercise:

Spend less than a minute per category and go with your first response as you consider your life and career in the following areas to discover your career ‘fit’

1. Design or natural talent and ability, (people always say you are good at this)

2. Work that is highly Interesting to you, (never boring, you can’t wait to do it)

3. Important or valuable work to you, (issues or causes you deeply believe in)

4. Areas you are highly skilled or experienced in, (been there- done that well)

5. Areas you are educated or credentialed in, (degrees, licenses, certifications)

6. Your current career development plan, (audio learning, DVD’s, night school)

7. Marketplace and industry options available, (location, costs, age/stage, gender)

8. Groups or industries already looking for people with your background to improve the strength and depth of their team, (esp. networking organizations)


Next: What logical career conclusions fit into the Kaleidoscope “core” today?


Finally: What steps can you take today to make a positive career change? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

► Suggested follow-up resource:
Visit www.Crown.org and check out the “Career Direct” career assessment profile. It is a highly detailed resource to help students and working professionals find their exact career with dozens of pages of resources personalized just to you and your specific personality and career strength. (Note: students tend to benefit from the educational version, which includes school choices as you map out your career for lasting success.)

Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it electronically or in print with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint and thanks for helping us to help others.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the Author:
Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Family Law Mediator and Certified Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Critical Incident Stress Management expert with the Orange County Sheriffs Office, founder of StormStress.com and trainer for over 1,600 business groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress- both personally & professionally. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with major corporations and national organizations to make a difference in our culture with the positive message of Jesus Christ. Visit our website with over 150 helpful counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time and reduce your stress by providing positive solutions at www.LifeWorksGroup.org

Caregiver Stress- the dangers of being a good Samaritan

Caregiver Stress-
the Dangers of being a Good Samaritan

by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

“Don’t take life so seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive,” was the simple advice I saw on a greeting card once and it makes sense, especially when thinking about the incredible pressures placed on those in the important role of caregiver for a loved one. You’ve got to lighten up the load to prevent major burnout. Many times it’s easy to overlook just how tired, frustrated or angry someone feels when they are buried in the dozens of day to day tasks required of a primary caregiver. This special report is designed to help you spot the warning signs when you’ve done too much for too long and don’t have enough energy left in the tank to help anyone, including yourself.

There was a popular song many years ago that had the lyric, “he ain’t heavy- he’s my brother” which isn’t exactly accurate. If you are piggy-back riding your brother, sister, child or any other family member, their actual weight is still the same, but because you love and care for them you have extra energy to serve them. Love will allow you to carry someone you care about for a while- but after a while they do get heavy again and you will feel the pressure to want to take a break. That’s normal and not a sign of lack of love, rather just a sign of being human. So what does it mean to be a ‘Care-Giver” anyway?

To be a Caregiver is to provide financial, relational, physical, spiritual or emotional support to someone who is unable to live independently like:
— newborns or small children
— those recovering from an injury or illness
— aging loved ones
— anyone facing a terminal illness
— those who are disabled in some way (physically, mentally, emotionally)

This just about covers parents and people from all walks of life and all ages, so it probably impacts you or someone you care about. Let’s un-package this important issue to understand the dangers of being a ‘good Samaritan’ and find out how to avoid the often overwhelming stress that can come from being a compassionate parent, adult child or primary caregiver.


Let’s start by defining the difference between CARE-TAKERS and CARE GIVERS.

A care taker provides a level of compassionate service for someone in need, often for a fee or salary of some kind. They may feel a special calling to help out, (like nurses, teachers, doctors, counselors or pastors), yet at the end of the day, it’s their job and they are compensated in some way for their services. Caretakers can do their important work in many ways, for instance they can work with children, with patients, wounded people, or by managing property or running a museum. It’s important work, often tiring, but not usually overwhelming enough to create compassion fatigue or massive distress because there are clear boundaries, defined duties and reasonable expectations, as well as defined hours of service.

Being a care-taker is much less complicated than being a care-giver. Caregivers do the same work, but often with greater intensity, since they often aren’t compensated in some way and just work out of the goodness of their hearts to show compassion to the person in need. They often give and give expecting nothing in return, yet that is often why they run out of energy and burnout. They don’t have defined hours, schedules or budgets. It can get very stressful, very fast because you can’t do everything for everyone all the time without it leading to caregiver stress. Consider the following warning signs from my friend June Hunt to see if you are experiencing this type of roadblock to healthy relationships.

-The Caregiver Stress Checklist from author Dr. June Hunt In asking yourself these questions, honestly assess your feelings to determine if it could be time to seek professional help to overcome caregiver stress.

· Am I easily agitated with those I love? · Am I becoming more critical of others? · Am I having difficulty laughing or having fun? · Am I turning down most invitations to be with others? · Am I feeling depressed about my situation? · Am I feeling hurt when my efforts go unnoticed? · Am I resentful when other family members are not helping? · Am I feeling trapped by all the responsibilities? · Am I being manipulated? · Am I missing sleep and regular exercise? · Am I too busy for quiet time with God? · Am I feeling guilty when I take time for myself?

- Warning Signs of Caregiver Stress:
___Physically- exhausted and worn out
___Emotionally- resentful, stressed, bitter
___Relationally-feeling used or unappreciated
___Financially- overwhelmed or depleted

It’s right to care for people in need. It’s healthy to show compassion, those are good things and make us feel better for having made a difference in the lives of others. You can show care in a lot of ways and should. Consider the Meanings of the Verb “Care?” ·To have a personal interest in, or be watchful over, to be affectionate toward, to look out for, to be concerned about, to provide for, to give serious attention to and to keep safe. Caring is important- but there are some hidden dangers if you care too much.

Hidden facts about the Good Samaritan

There is no better example of being a compassionate caregiver than the timeless story taught by the Master teacher Jesus Christ about the Good Samaritan. You may remember the story- a man is mugged by thieves and left for dead on the side of the road. Then a pastor and a lawyer pass by on the other side to avoid getting involved, finally a man from another cultural background stops, applies first aid, transports the victim to a respite center and pays for his care. Jesus showed that the person who really showed love for his neighbor wasn’t the most religious or best educated, or even from the same culture; rather the one who showed the greatest compassion was the only one who fulfilled the great commandment to 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

This is a life changing spiritual teaching for anyone, yet don’t miss some basic factors to protect the good Samaritan from compassion fatigue. Yes, he jumped in to help a stranger, yes he showed great love for another human being, but he didn’t do it alone! The good Samaritan started a healing process in the life of a wounded man and allowed others, like the inn-keeper to be part of the team to make a positive difference in helping a man rebuild and recover. When you are part of a team helping someone going through a crisis, you are less likely to burnout and that’s a good thing for everyone so you can have a lot more energy to help others for years to come.

Self Care comes first

NASCAR Chaplain Max Helton worked next to me at Ground Zero after the terrorist attacks in New York on 9-11-01. He taught me a wonderful process in dealing with overwhelming situations. First, focus on ‘self-care’ then ‘buddy care’ and finally ‘other care’. This way you can protect your own energy, help others facing the same caregiving challenges and then together be much stronger and more focused to better serve others. It can be done, but it can’t be done alone. God designed us to work together in partnership with others. Moms and dads, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, fellow church members, neighbors, co-workers, community members, basically anyone could be in a situation to be a caregiver, but remember the principle to not go it alone. Let others help you.

If you are facing a major caregiving role alone, let me challenge you to reach out for some help. It could come from friends, family, pastors, churches, a MOPS group or other supportive group, but whatever you do, don’t try to do it all yourself. Caring is good, exhaustion isn’t. If you are aware that you are feeling pressure to do it all, take the checklists and insights from this article to review with someone close to you for an objective point of view just to keep you from the stress of caring too much that you get lost in the process. Or perhaps you have a friend, co-worker or family member that appears to be struggling with compassion fatigue that you could invite for a cup of coffee to review the key points and then open up a discussion on how you might be an encouragement to help them better manage the stress of caring for someone in need.

You don’t have to do it all alone, but you do have to openly bring up the subject to let the people who care about you know that the pressure is building and that you need some help. Here are some strategies to guide you with a sense of balance as you willingly share your heart of compassion without getting crushed from too much care.

► How to prevent being so full of “care” that you can’t care for yourself

1) Be aware of the common stress signals that come with being a caregiver
___ irritability or moodiness
___ feelings of resentment
___ loss of sleep or feeling frequently exhausted
___ increased susceptibility to colds and flu
___ feeling guilty about taking time for yourself

2) Be aware of the pressure of caregiving and that it builds over time

3) Be aware that as caregiving goes up, additional coping skills should go up too

4) Be aware of your own needs and don’t be afraid to ask for help

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage -- pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically -- to say 'no' to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good.' - Stephen Covey, PhD

5) Be aware of the resources around you, and be willing to take a respite

-Ways to add compassionate care: Send cards and handwritten notes - Make visits to the hospital or nursing home - Send flowers or small gifts - Provide food and occasionally an entire meal - Volunteer to be a driver (transportation)- Entertain children or other family members - Shop for needed items - Set aside time for regular reading aloud - Take walks and do other outdoor activities - Offer to do laundry and housecleaning - Be a willing and attentive listener - Extend emotional and physical affection - Provide financial assistance – Pray for someone in a crisis and ask others to join you in providing spiritual support for those in great need.

6) Be aware that sometimes you need to just sit in the floor and laugh or cry

"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which
are the real ones after all." -Laura Ingalls Wilder

7) Be aware that care-giving is hard work and often times you may want to quit, yet it is still one of the most loving acts of Servant Leadership

"For the heartsick, bleeding soul out there today who is desperate for a word of encouragement, let me assure you that you can trust this Lord of heaven and earth.
There is security and rest in the wisdom of the eternal Scriptures. I believe the Lord can be trusted, even when He cannot be tracked. Of this you can be certain: Jehovah, King of kings and Lord of lords, is not pacing the corridors of heaven in confusion over the problems in your life! He hung the worlds in space. He can handle the burdens that have weighed you down, and He cares about you deeply. He says to you, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Psm 46:10
- James Dobson, PhD

Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it electronically or in print with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint and thanks for helping us to help others.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the Author:
Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Trainer for over 1,500 business groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress- both personally & professionally; Dwight is a member of the National Speakers Association who partners with the media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.

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Body Image Blues- understanding the psychological factors that fuel personal insecurities

Body Image Blues
Understanding the psychological factors that fuel personal insecurities

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Have you ever wondered why some people never seem happy with themselves, or are constantly comparing themselves to others to see if they measure up? I sure have and to be honest, I've been in situations where I did it too! Depending on the situation, we all can feel a little insecure at times, so here's a strategy to help you study what is going on around you to figure out where you fit, and more importantly how to be at peace with who you already are, instead of spending too much time, energy or money pretending to be someone that you're not.

Once people step back to see just how much personal insecurity actually steals away internal peace and confidence, they see that it's not usually as bad as they make it out to be. In fact, it can often be pretty funny because once we really get focused in on some element of our body image we often can twist it into a life or death drama as we try to do whatever it takes to fit in. Consider the silly scene in the film, "My Best Friend's Wedding" where Jules, (Julia Roberts) Michael's best friend, leans over and says to Kimmy, (Cameron Diaz), Michael's fiancé, "What Michael needs is Jello. What he wants is Jello... and you can never be Jello!" If you've seen the film you know that the very wealthy and beautiful Kimmy bursts into tears in an emotional attempt to prove that she could try to be as common as Jello, only to have Jules tell her that she actually is Crème brûlée and that she could NEVER be Jello!

Yes, I know it's a silly example from a romantic comedy, but you get the point. When you become completely self-absorbed with all the things that you believe are wrong with you, then you lose complete perspective about all of the things that are right about you. Unless you have a friend, mentor, pastor, counselor, coach, or family member who can hold you accountable to bring you back down to reality again, things in your life can get just about as dramatic and out of control as a 'chick flick'. That's why we have to be in connected relationships with healthy people who will help us reinforce healthy boundaries to keep the things that matter most in life in clear focus. What you or other people think about your body image isn't the most important thing in your life, and if it ever does become the most important thing, it can lead to some pretty serious issues like eating disorders, becoming obsessed with reconstructive surgery or steroid abuse.

Simple way to study Social Connection

If you don't believe that people worry a lot, and I mean A LOT, about their body image and spend a lot of time desperately trying to fit into their social group; then here's a coaching exercise to help you research the underlying psychological dynamics that can be done in any mall, school, church or workplace in America. Be very discreet as you pay attention to what factors seem to be the most are important to the people around you, and what is commonly accepted as being 'cool' by the majority of those in that particular environment.

At a mall on a Friday night, it may be who has on the most stylish outfit, but at a business meeting on a Monday morning, it may be who has on a blue power suit with freshly shined shoes. The main factors to study are the ones that impact you the most, especially the ones that might have stirred up feelings of being shy, embarrassed, ashamed, angry, anxiety and especially insecure. Those emotions are usually the ones that need some type of follow up attention to help you break out of the insecure mask of culture to being the real person God designed you to be through the power of His son Jesus Christ. He made you; He designed you and wants you to be real- no masks!

Social connection factors can come from many different places, so here's a list to get you started in noticing what drives other people to do, say, spend or whatever else it takes to fit in to their social group. I would prayerfully encourage you to do this exercise with the strong hope to notice issues that reveal weaknesses in you, and never to be critical or judgmental of others. This is because when you can see the insecurities happening around you, it often will really open your eyes and help you walk in the freedom of just being who God designed you to be, no more, no less. That way you can leave the body image blues, to get back to what really matters most, enjoying the life that God has given you with peace and contentment because you are you, instead of panic and insecurity because you falsely believe that you will never be tall enough, or pretty enough or rich enough or anything enough to feel peace inside. So, as you take this coaching exercise study what needs attention in your own life, and then you can sit down with a trusted friend in a safe place to just change it and get on with a good life.

Social Connection Factors to Consider:

Who are the powerful or cool people? (notice who is being noticed and then try to figure out why)

What gives them their power? (gender, age, financial status, cultural background, education, looks, etc)

Who are the popular people? (parents, little kids, girls, guys, young, old, short, tall, skinny, fat, etc)

Why are they popular? (looks, money, clothes, personality, IQ, athletic ability, friendly, religious, tech-toys, etc)

Who seems to be a 'poser' of acting cool, or faking it to fit in? (How do they do that, clothes, music, hair, etc?)

Does it seem to work for them and if so in what ways? (Power, popularity, confidence, seduction, etc?)

Who seems to be a 'player' of manipulating others for power or pleasure? (men, women, kids, teen girls or guys)

How do the posers or players seem to get away with this type of manipulation without being caught?

What general differences do you notice between those who are popular and those who aren't?

What benefits are there to being popular as well as what difficulties does that seem to bring? (if any)

What commonalities do you notice between the 'cool' crowd? (hair style, zip code- remember 90210?, shared interest in same sports, living in the same community, name brand of clothing, type of automobile, etc)

Do the common factors seem to be an indicator in how well connected they are in all relationships?
Which adults seem well connected and how do they leverage that connection to benefit themselves or their ___? (business, religious or political agendas, young kids, big families, etc)

Who seems to really be friendly and looking for people to connect with regardless of the external factors above?

Identify the 'cliques' in girls/guys, young/old, rich/poor and what key indicators are needed to 'join' that clique?

In terms of numbers, which group has the most, as well as least social connections of friends or relationships?

Which group or cliques seem to be the happiest, friendliest, coolest, meanest, accepting, judgmental, etc?

Finally, what do any of the above issues have to do with the Master teacher Jesus Christ, who continually hung out with the type of people that confused or angered the 'fake it-till you make it' crowd. He accepted people for who they were on the inside, and didn't seem to focus much at all on what they looked like on the outside. In fact there is a biblical principle that teaches- people almost always look on the outside to make a judgment about you, but don't worry, God always looks at your heart.

God sees the real you, and as you get better at paying attention to the real matters of the soul, you won't worry so much about other people's stuff, what I refer to as 'skin', or the style of clothes that covers their skin nearly as much as you begin to experience God's peace deep inside of your soul. Did you catch the switch? As you mature in this area, you stop worrying so much about what other people say, think, or do, to just become real inside. Your perspective stops being about others opinions, to change and focus on how your life is in alignment with God's design for you. Your goal is to keep you on track, and growing, instead of running ragged to please other people. Remember- a spiritual connection beats a social connection every time because you can't mess it up or lose it if you spill soup in your lap! God's love for you is forever, even if you are a klutz sometimes and spill stuff, (like me)!

To reconnect into healthy relationships and become a stronger person of faith, you need to build these five elements that can shatter an unhealthy obsession with body image. These are areas anyone can focus on to gain spiritual insight and personal peace while breaking an unhealthy pattern of panic and insecurity.

1) Acceptance- From the people closest to you, no matter what may have happened in the past. Consequences for wrong choice can take a while to sort through, but the choice to love unconditionally is one of the most powerful spiritual and social connection points.

2) Approval- In spite of any insecurities, imperfections, fears and failures you might struggle with, it's important to have a few safe places where everybody knows your name, and likes you just the same.

3) Affection- Gentle, tender, kindness and safe hugs from the safe people in your life. Healthy touch is a healing part of healthy relationships. (Non-sexual touch is what we are talking about on this point, basically the kind of hugs that you could give to anyone and not feel uncomfortable).

4) Authority- Giving up control of what you don't like about your life to God, so that He can lead you toward His purpose in His timing, as well as knowing that God is there for you as the ultimate source of guidance, love and support.

5) Accountable- Making wise decisions because you know that your actions or attitudes will be held accountable by other healthy individuals, pastors, mentors, counselors or coaches who are committed to see you reach your potential while developing strength and character.

Remember, whatever steps you take to build a better awareness and understanding of how God sees you, the more likely you will be to break out of the body image blues, and to break into dancing because you will be so busy counting blessings, that you won't have time to count problems. As you begin to change your view from looking at your skin, to digging into the deeper matters of the soul, your life will take on more meaning because you will have matured past defining your self worth from wearing the latest styles to finding your true identity in God's design and purpose for your journey. This will help you to make mature and responsible choices which will take you to better places than you ever thought possible as you move past trying to act 'cool' in a culture that doesn't care about you, to experiencing the freedom of just being real and drawing closer to the one who would rather die than to live without you- Jesus Christ.

Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it electronically or in print with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint and thanks for helping us to help others.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org