Kids and War Anxiety- What Can Parents Do?
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
In the midst of war situations around the world, many parents are wondering what can be done to protect their kids from additional stress and anxiety. Here are some helpful steps to make sure your son or daughter is not worried about world events or wars, so they can be focused on just enjoying being a child.
Watch for the warning signs of anxiety.
Here are some of the symptoms and behaviors that may indicate your child has been overexposed to the traumatic emotions that follow a crisis situation. Remember that your main goal is to protect the child and not minimize or deny their emotional symptoms. The more symptoms present, the greater the need for the child to receive additional support and care from family, clergy, or a counseling or medical professional.
- Major changes in energy level, especially lethargy or helplessness
- Heightened fear and worry about the war, or being bombed or attacked
- Changes in sleep patterns, especially nightmares or night terrors
- Regressive behavior, (e.g. "baby talk", clingy to parents or bedwetting)
- Preoccupation with loss of parents or being stranded without parents
- Major shift in school performance, aggression, withdrawal or apathy
- Angry explosions or depressive moodiness
- Withdrawal from normal activities at home, church or school
- Avoidance of friends, family or pets by going into an emotional "cocoon"
Any of the above symptoms are normal reactions to a crisis and may not indicate a need for professional counseling, however it is important to watch for major changes in your child's attitude, personality or behavior to know how to help them cope. Here are some action steps that you can begin to use to reduce pressure on your children and keep them emotionally and physically safe.
What can parents do to lessen the impact of war anxiety?
Here are some positive action steps that you can take to help your child avoid the negative impacts of anxiety over a war situation anywhere in the world.
Take care of yourself
Since children draw much of their security from their parents, it is important to keep yourself well grounded and supported. Spend more time with healthy family, friends or church members during this time to make sure that you aren't overly anxious and subtly passing that anxiety along to your children. Just like the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling of the plane and the flight attendants instruct parents to put their masks on first, you have to stay as balanced as possible to effectively care for your child during this stressful time.
Be aware and be available
World crisis events are a time for extra precautions, but not extra fear. Notice your surroundings, and if the child is old enough, you can talk about the importance of being safe by locking doors, or looking up and noticing cars in parking lots that may be backing out, (as opposed to running through parking lots like children have a tendency to do). Pay more attention to being available for your child, to talk, pray or play. As you heighten your level of involvement and support, your child will be less likely to feel afraid.
Watch your talk
It is recommended that you never discuss your greatest fears with your children, but rather use discernment in discussing your opinions about war situations on the telephone or with your friends or coworkers if your child could overhear the conversation. Wisdom requires you to guard your tongue around children during difficult times to protect them from being overly worried or afraid. It is okay to discuss the facts of a war with older children, but then move into a discussion of how we should pray for our troops defending our freedoms, and how there sacrifices allow us to feel safe in this country. Talk is one of the best ways to help a child feel secure, so ask questions and then just listen to allow your child a chance to release their fears in a safe way.
Monitor media and guard images
Television images are extremely powerful and vivid in a child's mind. With this in mind, you should take great care to avoid having the television on 24/7, but rather limit the exposure to media images. If you feel like you do have to have the set on, (which is not recommended), then turn the sound off. Talk about the positives of your family being together, or an answered prayer, instead of focusing on the negative elements of a war situation. Guide your children into working on the elements of what is happening in their world, as opposed to events on the other side of the world. Protecting your child from harsh media images will protect them from having to struggle to get those images out of their head in the future, and that makes for a healthier and happier child.
Routine, schedule and rules
Children draw security from a predictable schedule. Build a regular set of morning and evening rituals, like getting ready for school or bedtime stories or prayer time; also pay attention to include meal time and personal hygiene rituals that are age appropriate for your child. Even little guys and gals can help to take their plate from the table to the kitchen counter, or take more ownership of their daily rituals. This actually takes stress off of Mom and Dad as the child grows in independence through the years, but it is even more helpful for the child to feel the sense of empowerment from knowing what do to as they begin and end their day. The rules are always the rules, even if there is a war, so be consistent with your family boundaries to help everyone feel more secure by not allowing chaos to erupt from neglecting the established rules for household behavior.
Reconnect to family, friends and faith
Crisis events are an excellent time to reach out to spend more time with friends or family members. If you don't have family nearby, connect with a local church or house of faith that has activities designed for you and your child. The additional socialization will help to build a sense of security from having others to go through this experience with, as well as allow every member of your family to be more aware of God's love and protection. As a suggestion, read Bible verses on finding comfort during difficult times, like this one in Psalm 91: 9-10: "If you make the most High your dwelling-even the Lord, who is my refuge-then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near you. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." The Bible has hundreds of reassuring promises of peace and comfort during fearful times. Now is a perfect time to search out those verses and teach your children the importance of a personal faith of strong beliefs to directly face the challenges of life.
Focus on hope, instead of helplessness
Don’t be afraid, because our country will make it through these difficult times. As you build these coping skills and life management principles into your home, your children will actually be stronger and less afraid of crisis events because they will be more aware of how to face their anxiety with the assurance of God's supernatural protection and peace. Know that you are not alone so keep reading helpful articles like this to stay positive from gaining practical insights on helping you and your kids to grow stronger during times of stress in the days ahead.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable counseling resource every week, visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005 in Winter Park, FL"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label children. Show all posts
Monday, January 5, 2009
Monday, October 27, 2008
When Kids Carry their Parent’s Pain
The warning signs of children facing complex family crisis
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
A dad loses a job. A family spits up through divorce. A grandparent dies. A drunk driver crashes into a mini-van and a mom is left in a coma. A natural disaster or foreclosure forces a family into the sad situation of having to leave a neighborhood and home behind.
There are dozens of complex situations that affect families every day, yet often the emotional pain lasts for years in the hearts and minds of the k ids who go through tough times. When children are exposed to high levels of stress they can struggle in four primary areas which reflect their parent’s pain. Think of the four points of a compass and you can gain a sense of how kids carry their parent’s pain- over-perform, under-perform, blowing up or blowing in. Here’s a quick over-view of these four primary factors to help you identify the warning signs and symptoms, as well as to know when to reach out and seek help for your child.
Over-Performers
This group takes the hidden pain inside and turns it into the competitive need for greater achievement, accomplishment and achievement. A child who deals with their internalized stress this way is often over-looked because it’s socially acceptable and even prized to have a child who is a perfectionist and junior work-a-holic. To want a child to reach their potential is a great goal, but not at the expense of losing the innocence of their childhood by letting them race into the adult world as a performer instead of a real person.
Under-Performers
Some kids exposed to traumatic events don’t fight against it- they do the opposite and just give up. These kids drift through their childhood with no motivation or drive to accomplish anything for any reason. These apathetic kids may get caught up with playing to avoid growing up and taking on responsibility as a way to avoid dealing with anything. Sometimes that can be through excessive use of media, video games, the Internet or music, but it’s all driven by the same root cause, to avoid facing feeling any pain or problems.
Blow Up
This group is easy to spot, because they are full of rebellion and it shows. Drugs, alcohol, sexual acting out, shoplifting, violence, body piercing or inking, academic failure, dressing or acting in aggressive ways to reflect a complete rejection of authority. While these kids may seem tough on the outside, in reality they are full of insecurity on the inside. Sometimes seductive and sometimes sly, but always deeply scared on the inside, especially of being alone, so this group is most likely to travel in packs with other kids who are equally wounded.
Blow In
This final group faces the most dangerous symptoms of all. The quiet kids who have a tendency to stuff everything inside can often end up with significant anxiety, depression, resentment, social phobias, cutting or other self-destructive behavior, including suicidal or homicidal thinking. Kids who carry their parent’s pain and allow it to blow in can end up in very destructive situations, yet because they suffer in silence many parents don’t realize there is a problem until it’s too late. School shooters are rare, but overly shy kids who never reach their potential because they are too afraid to try are in classrooms in every school district in the country.
Visualize these behaviors as the four points of a compass with your child in the middle.
Over-Perform
Blow in X Blow up
Under-Perform
While it’s normal for every child to have mild traits of any one of these four factors, it’s the extremes that a parent needs to be concerned about. The goal of raising healthy kids is to guide them toward their God designed potential, however, if a child has experienced overwhelming stress and it appears they are sliding toward any one of these four extremes, it may be time to take bold action. You can do that in many ways, but my challenge is for every parent reading this to be dedicated to protecting the innocence of their kids by working through adult-sized difficulties away from their children if possible. That way the parents are solving problems of a complex family crisis directly so the kids don’t have to carry the pain.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
The warning signs of children facing complex family crisis
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
A dad loses a job. A family spits up through divorce. A grandparent dies. A drunk driver crashes into a mini-van and a mom is left in a coma. A natural disaster or foreclosure forces a family into the sad situation of having to leave a neighborhood and home behind.
There are dozens of complex situations that affect families every day, yet often the emotional pain lasts for years in the hearts and minds of the k ids who go through tough times. When children are exposed to high levels of stress they can struggle in four primary areas which reflect their parent’s pain. Think of the four points of a compass and you can gain a sense of how kids carry their parent’s pain- over-perform, under-perform, blowing up or blowing in. Here’s a quick over-view of these four primary factors to help you identify the warning signs and symptoms, as well as to know when to reach out and seek help for your child.
Over-Performers
This group takes the hidden pain inside and turns it into the competitive need for greater achievement, accomplishment and achievement. A child who deals with their internalized stress this way is often over-looked because it’s socially acceptable and even prized to have a child who is a perfectionist and junior work-a-holic. To want a child to reach their potential is a great goal, but not at the expense of losing the innocence of their childhood by letting them race into the adult world as a performer instead of a real person.
Under-Performers
Some kids exposed to traumatic events don’t fight against it- they do the opposite and just give up. These kids drift through their childhood with no motivation or drive to accomplish anything for any reason. These apathetic kids may get caught up with playing to avoid growing up and taking on responsibility as a way to avoid dealing with anything. Sometimes that can be through excessive use of media, video games, the Internet or music, but it’s all driven by the same root cause, to avoid facing feeling any pain or problems.
Blow Up
This group is easy to spot, because they are full of rebellion and it shows. Drugs, alcohol, sexual acting out, shoplifting, violence, body piercing or inking, academic failure, dressing or acting in aggressive ways to reflect a complete rejection of authority. While these kids may seem tough on the outside, in reality they are full of insecurity on the inside. Sometimes seductive and sometimes sly, but always deeply scared on the inside, especially of being alone, so this group is most likely to travel in packs with other kids who are equally wounded.
Blow In
This final group faces the most dangerous symptoms of all. The quiet kids who have a tendency to stuff everything inside can often end up with significant anxiety, depression, resentment, social phobias, cutting or other self-destructive behavior, including suicidal or homicidal thinking. Kids who carry their parent’s pain and allow it to blow in can end up in very destructive situations, yet because they suffer in silence many parents don’t realize there is a problem until it’s too late. School shooters are rare, but overly shy kids who never reach their potential because they are too afraid to try are in classrooms in every school district in the country.
Visualize these behaviors as the four points of a compass with your child in the middle.
Over-Perform
Blow in X Blow up
Under-Perform
While it’s normal for every child to have mild traits of any one of these four factors, it’s the extremes that a parent needs to be concerned about. The goal of raising healthy kids is to guide them toward their God designed potential, however, if a child has experienced overwhelming stress and it appears they are sliding toward any one of these four extremes, it may be time to take bold action. You can do that in many ways, but my challenge is for every parent reading this to be dedicated to protecting the innocence of their kids by working through adult-sized difficulties away from their children if possible. That way the parents are solving problems of a complex family crisis directly so the kids don’t have to carry the pain.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
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