Strong Moms send their twentysomething's packing
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Here's a surprising trend during these challenging economic times. A number of strong women have actively guided their young adult children out of the door of their home to build a life of their own. And the most surprising part is the ages of these moms. I've noticed that younger moms, (under the age of 45), have found the strength to do what older moms (the baby boomer generation), struggle with- because the younger moms are far more likely to have packed up their twentysomething young adult children and pushed them out into the adult world.
I've noticed that women who had children earlier in life are much more likely to cut the financial apron strings and let their young adult aged children figure out life for themselves. Sort of like they got the role of being a mommy out of the way early in life and are now more than ready to explore their own identity as a woman in new careers or relationships.
Perhaps these younger moms remembered how tough and scary it was as a young person building a career or home life, so since they made it they expect their sons and daughters to grow up faster and find their way without depending on Mom for everything. I believe that breaking the dependency on parents is a good thing. Especially since I've seen dozens of parents these last few years who had to put their dreams on hold because of a young adult child who refused to grow up. Many women are ready to grow into the next stage of life with excitement. The problem is their twentysomething who refuses to let go of the apron strings and financial security of their parents. Frequently the one they lean on most is their mom, which forces that woman to delay her dreams of building another stage of life after raising her children. And sometimes these dreams have already been on hold for twenty or more years.
"Check out time is 21!"
There comes a time when you gotta give something up to grow up to the next chapter of life, or you end up silently watching others move forward while wishing for the strength to change. The longer you financially support your grown up kids; the longer they may just sit back and take advantage of your kindness to manipulate you for cash. Better to risk bold action to directly deal with facing some tough things with your grown kids now than to avoid the conflict and end up escaping the difficulties of the situation by vegging out on the couch with "Desperate Housewives".
You won't lose the love of your adult kids if you confront them about their need to grow up, but you can delay their success in life by trying too hard to rescue them from the real world. At two that's good parenting... at twenty-two, it's time to set and enforce boundaries.
I vividly remember a Time magazine cover article that showed a well dressed guy in his older twenties sitting in a sandbox. Educated, good self esteem, ability to talk about big dreams but no follow through to actually do anything positive with their lives. Many young adults from this generation are just flat out afraid to grow up and move out to find their place in the 'real world'.
The article went on to talk about how millions of young people drift through their twenties by financially leaning on their parents. This 'boomerang dependency' creates huge financial and marital pressures on many women who just can't seem to let go of their primary identity being the mother/child relationship. And when this happens, many twentysomethings take advantage of their older mother's kind heart and manipulate the situation to prevent having to grow up and build a life of their own. It's almost like everyone else around this codependent mom can see the enabling behavior, except the mom who is just too weak or afraid to let go.
Why don't younger Moms struggle with Launching their off-spring?
After seeing thousands of people walk through the 'launch' process of guiding their young adults out of the nest over the last twenty five years it has became apparent to me that women who went into motherhood quickly in their twenties had to put many of their personal dreams on hold. These women were more ready to move forward as their kids grew up and began to leave the proverbial 'nest'. They didn't define their entire identity by their role as a mother. No sitting and crying in the floor of their kids old bedrooms for this bunch. Nope, they were too busy getting ready for the next chapter of life to sit in the floor looking at old yearbooks.
These women are ready to explore other areas of their identity, either by going back to school, switching careers, or taking on an 'extreme makeover' of who they are as a woman in some area of life. They find a career coach when the nest empties out and build a better future for themselves. And it's almost impossible to move forward with the next chapter of life if you have a 25 year old digging through your purse asking for gasoline money.
Noticing this trend of late bloomer young adults avoiding growing up and finding their place in the real world led to several years of research on this subject, which is the basis of an upcoming book I'll release later this year, ("FastTrack - moving from college stress to career success"). After interviewing countless parents of 'twenty-somethings' and over 100 young adults it helped me to clearly see this trend and then develop 4 tracks that these adult kids follow to then guide them toward the 'fast track' of early career success, which includes moving out on their own to build a strong life, instead of staying stuck at home with mom for another few decades.
Sadly, the research for the book also showed that too many women in their mid 50's to 60's had almost given up their entire identity as a woman to stay stuck in the 'mommy' role with their college aged kids.
Everyone wants a good relationship with their grown children; but it's a sign of weakness to stay stuck in the past while letting twentysomethings manipulate a situation to avoid having to take on adult responsibility. It's like many of these adult kids are living like they are already retired, while their exhausted mom or dad works continually and may not ever get to retire because of their adult children refusing to grow up. It's a sign of greater love to say, 'it's time to grow up son' than it is to let them stay stuck in their twenties while more independent young people pass them by.
39 key factors that show maturity and independent living skills
There are career coaches to guide, there are books to give insights and TV talkshows with experts on every day to tell you the importance of being strong enough to let go of your children to allow them to become confident young adults. If you get stuck or know someone in your circle who is stuck with an adult child here's a suggestion. Send me an email through our website and I'll gladly send you the 39 key factors that indicate the maturity levels necessary for young adults to launch out to build a life of their own.
I want to see your adult kids be successful, that's why I wrote a book about it, but not at the expense of watching you lose too many years of life and miss out on the joys that come after the kids are launched out into the world. If your adult kids launched well, fantastic! Help others do the same and if yours haven't gotten to the launch pad yet, don't panic. Just take bold action now so that you can watch them move forward, which frees you to do the same. Success for both generations is a better trade than suffering in silence while a 25 year old son is playing X-box in his bedroom. A way better trade.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. -
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005.
About the author-
Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice over 25 years with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is an author and member of the National Speakers Association who partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference.
Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting their counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Fathers & Sons- why don't they work together anymore?
Fathers & Sons- Why don't they walk the same career path anymore?
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Have you noticed how rare it is these days for a son to follow in the same career path as his father? Up until about fifty years ago most boys would take up the same career as their dad and granddad. Dads who were farmers taught their sons about the land, fathers who ran markets showed their boys how to manage a store. It was so common, that historically many last names are associated with the trade or vocation of the man in the family, (think of "Smith" from the craftsmen who may have been silver smiths, or black smiths for instance).
Today young men may go in dozens of career directions, but usually not in the same way as their father. Let's take a quick look at the major reasons why sons don't walk the same career path as their fathers.
Expectations can be a complex thing between fathers and sons
There was a time when you did what your dad expected you to do, whether you liked it or not. That approach may have worked for some, but created rebellion in others. Over the last generation the world changed a lot as has the connection between a dad passing along his profession to his son. Technology may have replaced the need for some closely held father/son family businesses, (like print shops or travel agencies), but broken relationships, poor communication and the power struggle over releasing control to the next generation of leadership has likely stopped far more father/son operations than all the low budget call centers overseas ever could.
Many family businesses aren't hurt by off shore competition, they are crushed by the failure between to communicate between generations.
What are the key elements behind these challenges to father/son businesses?
1) Bill Gates daddy didn't make microchips-
Today's culture often rewards the entrepreneur who launches out to break new ground more than those sticking close to home to follow in a fathers footprints. Bill Gates dad didn't make micro-chips, and Bruce Willis father didn't make action adventure movies. Technology has opened up new doors of opportunity for young men, which pulls them away from the traditional path mapped out by their fathers.
2) The cat really was in the cradle too long-
Some dads were too busy to teach their trade because they were working 80 hours a week to create greater educational opportunities for their sons, and to keep them busy with sports and special summer camps. Workaholic dads that were so busy keeping the wolf away from the door may have lost their son in the process. It doesn't mean that they can't have a good relationship, it just creates a greater likelihood that the son will choose a path similar to the men who actually were around to be a positive influence, (Think about the powerful example of Robert Kiyosaki as described in the book, "Rich dad, Poor dad.").
3. 'It's a Wonderful Life' is a movie, not a family business training film-
Consider the classic Christmas movie, "It's a Wonderful Life" where Jimmy Stewart's character resents having to stay behind and care for the family business while his brother leaves town to pursue a military career. In the movie you can put a happy ending on a grown son's desperate situation by ringing a bell for an angel who gets his wings saving him. In real life it's a lot harder because it often leads to the hard choice of protecting the father/son relationship, or preserving the profitability of the business.
Some sons or their wife and kids, actually resent the family business being 'forced on them' so they serve silently, but often allow bitterness to grow, while others do the opposite of their dads and push their sons in another direction without any guidance at all, just so they won't have the burden of having to carry the family business forward.
Memories are more important than money
Father/Son relationships can be complex. Communication is a major challenge and with the added pressure of trying to make a business profitable it can move from a paternal dynamic to simply becoming a profitable one. When money gets in the way of two generations connecting, cash flow can ruin the importance of just being together as a family. When that happens the business costs too much because staying close to make memories as a father and son is more valuable than just making money.
There are a lot of reasons why boys don't grow up to do the same work as their fathers these days, but if they can still stay close through the years it doesn't matter. Passing on a trade or career isn't as important as still being able to talk and stay close. If you are blessed enough to have a father who is living, and then doubly blessed to have a healthy relationship with your father, then he gave you something more valuable than the family farm, he gave you a legacy of knowing a man secure enough to allow you to choose your own path, and then hopefully to cheer as you pursued your own career dreams that may have been quite different than his.
If you didn't have that kind of relationship with your dad, then make sure that the generation behind you are given a shot at their dreams, even if it's different from yours. Every generation has a chance to make it a little better for the next. Technology and traditions may change, but wanting the best for your kids never does.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. -
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005.
About the author-
Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice over 25 years with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is an author and member of the National Speakers Association who partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Have you noticed how rare it is these days for a son to follow in the same career path as his father? Up until about fifty years ago most boys would take up the same career as their dad and granddad. Dads who were farmers taught their sons about the land, fathers who ran markets showed their boys how to manage a store. It was so common, that historically many last names are associated with the trade or vocation of the man in the family, (think of "Smith" from the craftsmen who may have been silver smiths, or black smiths for instance).
Today young men may go in dozens of career directions, but usually not in the same way as their father. Let's take a quick look at the major reasons why sons don't walk the same career path as their fathers.
Expectations can be a complex thing between fathers and sons
There was a time when you did what your dad expected you to do, whether you liked it or not. That approach may have worked for some, but created rebellion in others. Over the last generation the world changed a lot as has the connection between a dad passing along his profession to his son. Technology may have replaced the need for some closely held father/son family businesses, (like print shops or travel agencies), but broken relationships, poor communication and the power struggle over releasing control to the next generation of leadership has likely stopped far more father/son operations than all the low budget call centers overseas ever could.
Many family businesses aren't hurt by off shore competition, they are crushed by the failure between to communicate between generations.
What are the key elements behind these challenges to father/son businesses?
1) Bill Gates daddy didn't make microchips-
Today's culture often rewards the entrepreneur who launches out to break new ground more than those sticking close to home to follow in a fathers footprints. Bill Gates dad didn't make micro-chips, and Bruce Willis father didn't make action adventure movies. Technology has opened up new doors of opportunity for young men, which pulls them away from the traditional path mapped out by their fathers.
2) The cat really was in the cradle too long-
Some dads were too busy to teach their trade because they were working 80 hours a week to create greater educational opportunities for their sons, and to keep them busy with sports and special summer camps. Workaholic dads that were so busy keeping the wolf away from the door may have lost their son in the process. It doesn't mean that they can't have a good relationship, it just creates a greater likelihood that the son will choose a path similar to the men who actually were around to be a positive influence, (Think about the powerful example of Robert Kiyosaki as described in the book, "Rich dad, Poor dad.").
3. 'It's a Wonderful Life' is a movie, not a family business training film-
Consider the classic Christmas movie, "It's a Wonderful Life" where Jimmy Stewart's character resents having to stay behind and care for the family business while his brother leaves town to pursue a military career. In the movie you can put a happy ending on a grown son's desperate situation by ringing a bell for an angel who gets his wings saving him. In real life it's a lot harder because it often leads to the hard choice of protecting the father/son relationship, or preserving the profitability of the business.
Some sons or their wife and kids, actually resent the family business being 'forced on them' so they serve silently, but often allow bitterness to grow, while others do the opposite of their dads and push their sons in another direction without any guidance at all, just so they won't have the burden of having to carry the family business forward.
Memories are more important than money
Father/Son relationships can be complex. Communication is a major challenge and with the added pressure of trying to make a business profitable it can move from a paternal dynamic to simply becoming a profitable one. When money gets in the way of two generations connecting, cash flow can ruin the importance of just being together as a family. When that happens the business costs too much because staying close to make memories as a father and son is more valuable than just making money.
There are a lot of reasons why boys don't grow up to do the same work as their fathers these days, but if they can still stay close through the years it doesn't matter. Passing on a trade or career isn't as important as still being able to talk and stay close. If you are blessed enough to have a father who is living, and then doubly blessed to have a healthy relationship with your father, then he gave you something more valuable than the family farm, he gave you a legacy of knowing a man secure enough to allow you to choose your own path, and then hopefully to cheer as you pursued your own career dreams that may have been quite different than his.
If you didn't have that kind of relationship with your dad, then make sure that the generation behind you are given a shot at their dreams, even if it's different from yours. Every generation has a chance to make it a little better for the next. Technology and traditions may change, but wanting the best for your kids never does.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint. -
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005.
About the author-
Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice over 25 years with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is an author and member of the National Speakers Association who partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Multi-Generational Travel - Making Memories without being Miserable
Multi-Generational Travel-
How to make memories without being miserable
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Two vans and three generations covered over 2500 miles of America last summer with one goal, celebrating the 50th anniversary of my in-laws in an unforgettable way in New York City.
We knew it would require every possible strategy to take a potentially stressful time over a few weeks and turn it into a successful family memory. Traveling is always a challenge because things never quite work out the way you had planned; that's why multigenerational travel requires more time, talk and trust. Here's how it worked for our family.
More Time-
Planning is the key to avoiding a lot of pressure. This means mapping out details months in advance, researching on the Internet to see what options are available, budgeting for special events and tours, contacting AAA for maps and travel updates on road construction and recommended sites, securing hotel reservations, allowing time for rest days was also an important factor for both grandparents and grandkids alike. (We did a long day, then took a day off to rest up before the next long day's events.)
The more stress you can resolve through pre-planning before you head down the highway, the better time you will have when you get there.
More Talk-
We had family meetings months in advance to review the details of each leg of our trip, talk through our expectations of each stop on the trip and what each generation might like best. That took some time since personalities and personal preferences further complicated what everyone would consider to be ‘fun’. Then we talked through how to rotate those expectations into the events we wanted to experience to keep everyone engaged and connected together. We voted on certain places during those family meetings and voted against others.
This was done after family meals, regular emails and occasional phone calls. It was almost as much fun talking about what we wanted to do and see as it was to actually visit there! Sort of like multiplying the positive benefits of the vacation over many months by talking through what we wanted to remember about our trip instead of just rapidly running through event after event over a few weeks.
More Trust-
The payoffs in creating a positive multigenerational experience are huge, but the risks are equally huge. You have to be realistic in considering many factors to insure that this will be a great trip for every one involved. Pay attention to every factor you are facing… healthcare needs, age of children, diapers, medications, amount of walking or stairs at each stop, costs of activities, number of meals, weather or travel conditions and especially the personalities of all those involved. Another factor to trust may be who not to bring on the journey, since some personalities are so abrasive or some people have so much emotional baggage that traveling cross-country would be a disaster by mile-marker 25.
Learn to trust the rest of your family enough to be honest and direct about potential problems ahead of time, since it's way better to work on solving issues with people or vehicles now than it is to be broken down on the side of the road hearing “I told you so" while waiting for a tow-truck on the road.
Finally, seriously listen to the other members of your family! If they all believe that something sounds dull and boring, trust their input and look for other options instead of pushing your point of view and losing trust with the people you love most.
Remember a multi-generational trip is about building stronger memories and better family relationships, not wrecking them by being miserable.
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint. "Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
How to make memories without being miserable
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Two vans and three generations covered over 2500 miles of America last summer with one goal, celebrating the 50th anniversary of my in-laws in an unforgettable way in New York City.
We knew it would require every possible strategy to take a potentially stressful time over a few weeks and turn it into a successful family memory. Traveling is always a challenge because things never quite work out the way you had planned; that's why multigenerational travel requires more time, talk and trust. Here's how it worked for our family.
More Time-
Planning is the key to avoiding a lot of pressure. This means mapping out details months in advance, researching on the Internet to see what options are available, budgeting for special events and tours, contacting AAA for maps and travel updates on road construction and recommended sites, securing hotel reservations, allowing time for rest days was also an important factor for both grandparents and grandkids alike. (We did a long day, then took a day off to rest up before the next long day's events.)
The more stress you can resolve through pre-planning before you head down the highway, the better time you will have when you get there.
More Talk-
We had family meetings months in advance to review the details of each leg of our trip, talk through our expectations of each stop on the trip and what each generation might like best. That took some time since personalities and personal preferences further complicated what everyone would consider to be ‘fun’. Then we talked through how to rotate those expectations into the events we wanted to experience to keep everyone engaged and connected together. We voted on certain places during those family meetings and voted against others.
This was done after family meals, regular emails and occasional phone calls. It was almost as much fun talking about what we wanted to do and see as it was to actually visit there! Sort of like multiplying the positive benefits of the vacation over many months by talking through what we wanted to remember about our trip instead of just rapidly running through event after event over a few weeks.
More Trust-
The payoffs in creating a positive multigenerational experience are huge, but the risks are equally huge. You have to be realistic in considering many factors to insure that this will be a great trip for every one involved. Pay attention to every factor you are facing… healthcare needs, age of children, diapers, medications, amount of walking or stairs at each stop, costs of activities, number of meals, weather or travel conditions and especially the personalities of all those involved. Another factor to trust may be who not to bring on the journey, since some personalities are so abrasive or some people have so much emotional baggage that traveling cross-country would be a disaster by mile-marker 25.
Learn to trust the rest of your family enough to be honest and direct about potential problems ahead of time, since it's way better to work on solving issues with people or vehicles now than it is to be broken down on the side of the road hearing “I told you so" while waiting for a tow-truck on the road.
Finally, seriously listen to the other members of your family! If they all believe that something sounds dull and boring, trust their input and look for other options instead of pushing your point of view and losing trust with the people you love most.
Remember a multi-generational trip is about building stronger memories and better family relationships, not wrecking them by being miserable.
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint. "Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Is A.D.D. a creative blessing or a curse?
Strategies to change ADD into a blessing instead of curse
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Is ADD a blessing or a curse?
The answer is probably going to be different depending on who you ask. For some teachers and school systems, it may be a curse because of the difficulty motivating highly creative and over stimulated kids. However, for the parents of these high energy children, I believe ADD can be a great blessing when the parents or guardians learn what to do to guide the steps of these supercharged kids toward greater success, instead of feeling greater frustration and stress.
ADD is the common acronym for a medical condition called Attention Deficit Disorder, (ADHD is the acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, which is similar to ADD, but with considerably more difficulties in controlling physical impulses.) According to a recent study from the National Institutes of Health, and published in the September 2007 issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.
An estimated 2.4 million children between the ages of 8 and 15 in the U.S. have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but fewer than half of them have been diagnosed or are receiving appropriate treatments, researchers report. Previous estimates from the American Academy of Pediatrics suggest that ADHD afflicts as few as 4% and as many as 12% of school-aged children in the U.S. The new assessment places the figure at 8.7%.
This new figure indicates that almost 10% of school age children may be negatively impacted by undiagnosed and untreated ADD. While researchers, teachers and parents differ widely on the factors that may cause ADD, (too much caffeine, sugar and food additives in junk food, to genetics, or addiction to high energy video games, over-stimulated from aggressive forms of entertainment or even a lack of parental structure and discipline), there are three things that all researchers in this field agree on and they are the three basic symptoms of ADD, which are clear and unmistakable.
These three primary symptoms are used to track and identify ADD, so if you are reading and thinking of a specific child, or adult, here are the factors to consider. And remember, the more serious the symptom, the more seriously ADD is negatively affecting the life of the individual and their family and likely causing more pain than releasing the potential available in a child with elevated levels of creativity and energy.
The 3 major symptoms of ADD include:
1) Impulsiveness –
which involves reacting without thinking. This can commonly be seen by individuals who blurt out answers, talk when it's not appropriate, make rapid decisions without considering any consequences or find themselves doing and saying unhealthy things that show no forethought or planning, (like spending money on things that don't really matter, or watching a TV movie or playing video games when a major school project is due).
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often blurts out answers before questions have been completed;- often has difficulty awaiting turn;- often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).- associated features depend on the child's age and developmental stage, may include other symptoms like- low frustration tolerance, temper outburts, bossiness, difficulty in following rules, disorganization, social rejection, poor self-esteem, academic underachievement, and inadequate self-application (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
2) Inattention –
which is the difficulty of focusing on any one subject for any extended period of time. Another common factor in this category is that individuals with inattention or high levels of distractability may swing back and forth from lack of focus to an incredible ability to super focus on topics or activities that are of extreme importance to them, (remember that ADD is diagnosed in boys 75% more often than with girls).
Many counselors believe that this ability to super focus isn't inattention or distractability at all, rather it's a filtering problem because many people with ADD have difficulty concentrating on some topics at specific times because they are paying attention to dozens of other topics or situations in their environment happening at the same time. This might explain why incredibly creative minds like Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein were kicked out of school and labeled 'too stupid to learn' when in fact, they were more than likely bored with the lack of mental challenge in relation to their ability to think really fast
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities;- often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities;- often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly;- often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions);- often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities;- often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework);- often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools);- is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli;- is often forgetful in daily activities. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
3) Hyperactivity –
which is the inability to sit still. People with this hyper kinetic ability are often restless and frequently moving something physically. This could be as simple as taping their fingers on a desk top to pacing the room like a caged tiger.
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat;- often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected;- often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness);- often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly;- is often "on the go" or often act as if "driven by a motor;"- often talks excessively. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
Remember, ADD can only be diagnosed by a licensed professional, however a wise parent can track these symptoms to better work in partnership with their counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist to achieve better results for the child. Once you and your healthcare provider have determined that your child may have the major symptoms of ADD, then here are some behavioral factors to consider adding to the treatment plan from your child's doctor or counselor to further stabilize and calm their moods so that the child or adult with ADD can move forward with a stronger motivation to experience positive change as they use their high energy and creativity to accomplish more, instead of only creating frustration and aggravation for themselves and others.
1) Structure –
Keeping kids on a regular and predictable schedule is one of the simplest and yet most powerful ways to protect against impulsive behavior, because almost anything can be placed onto a scheduled routine at home, or at school. Creating positive and predictable habits, including adequate sleep will help your child excels in any school or sports environment.
2) Safe People-
Keeping kids around healthy adults, (like coaches, teachers and clergy), who reach out to support and encourage that child, in spite of their high energy and sometimes annoying habits. These healthy adults become a safety net to provide additional guidance, love and support to move a high energy child forward toward their potential instead of staying stuck in frustration and fear.
3) Strength –
Finding the best 'fit' of natural talent and strength in a child will allow you to then focus time, energy and other resources onto developing those strengths into self-discipline and skills that can be trusted, regardless of the circumstances and stimuli surrounding the child. If your child is dramatic, musical, athletic or shows leadership potential, then begin to guide them toward involvement with those natural abilities to bring out their creativity and energy in the right environment to achieve a greater result.
Once you know your child's talents and abilities, begin to look for natural places those gifts can be developed through scouting, Girls & Boys Clubs, your local YMCA, community theatre and drama, youth sports like Little League or church youth groups and choirs. These safe places can provide multiple ways to further develop your child's natural strengths which will draw out their gifts for good, instead of leaving the entire family trapped in the grief of a household filled with chaos instead of the growing confidence of a child growing strong because of growing on their strengths.
(Side note: in reading about the childhood lives of people like Jim Carey, Robin Williams, Steven King, Michael J. Fox and Mark Lowery- they all experienced the frustration of feeling like they didn't fit in, yet their parents guided them toward their strengths which led to career choices that kept them focused on future success... instead of staying stuck in the stressful situations at school.)
Whatever signs or symptoms you and your child are facing, know that you are not facing them alone. There are positive resources available at our website, (www.lifeworksgroup.org) as well as from the web links below. Knowledge is power so if you know you are facing and know what to do about it, you can turn the letters ADD from being a curse in your son or daughters life into ADD becoming a great blessing.
For further study on ADD, check out these sites:
www.Family.org
www.NewLife.com
http://www.add.org
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/default.htm
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/news/20070904/many-kids-with-ADHD-arent-diagnosed
http://www.add-adhd.org/ADHD_attention-deficit.html
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Is ADD a blessing or a curse?
The answer is probably going to be different depending on who you ask. For some teachers and school systems, it may be a curse because of the difficulty motivating highly creative and over stimulated kids. However, for the parents of these high energy children, I believe ADD can be a great blessing when the parents or guardians learn what to do to guide the steps of these supercharged kids toward greater success, instead of feeling greater frustration and stress.
ADD is the common acronym for a medical condition called Attention Deficit Disorder, (ADHD is the acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, which is similar to ADD, but with considerably more difficulties in controlling physical impulses.) According to a recent study from the National Institutes of Health, and published in the September 2007 issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.
An estimated 2.4 million children between the ages of 8 and 15 in the U.S. have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but fewer than half of them have been diagnosed or are receiving appropriate treatments, researchers report. Previous estimates from the American Academy of Pediatrics suggest that ADHD afflicts as few as 4% and as many as 12% of school-aged children in the U.S. The new assessment places the figure at 8.7%.
This new figure indicates that almost 10% of school age children may be negatively impacted by undiagnosed and untreated ADD. While researchers, teachers and parents differ widely on the factors that may cause ADD, (too much caffeine, sugar and food additives in junk food, to genetics, or addiction to high energy video games, over-stimulated from aggressive forms of entertainment or even a lack of parental structure and discipline), there are three things that all researchers in this field agree on and they are the three basic symptoms of ADD, which are clear and unmistakable.
These three primary symptoms are used to track and identify ADD, so if you are reading and thinking of a specific child, or adult, here are the factors to consider. And remember, the more serious the symptom, the more seriously ADD is negatively affecting the life of the individual and their family and likely causing more pain than releasing the potential available in a child with elevated levels of creativity and energy.
The 3 major symptoms of ADD include:
1) Impulsiveness –
which involves reacting without thinking. This can commonly be seen by individuals who blurt out answers, talk when it's not appropriate, make rapid decisions without considering any consequences or find themselves doing and saying unhealthy things that show no forethought or planning, (like spending money on things that don't really matter, or watching a TV movie or playing video games when a major school project is due).
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often blurts out answers before questions have been completed;- often has difficulty awaiting turn;- often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).- associated features depend on the child's age and developmental stage, may include other symptoms like- low frustration tolerance, temper outburts, bossiness, difficulty in following rules, disorganization, social rejection, poor self-esteem, academic underachievement, and inadequate self-application (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
2) Inattention –
which is the difficulty of focusing on any one subject for any extended period of time. Another common factor in this category is that individuals with inattention or high levels of distractability may swing back and forth from lack of focus to an incredible ability to super focus on topics or activities that are of extreme importance to them, (remember that ADD is diagnosed in boys 75% more often than with girls).
Many counselors believe that this ability to super focus isn't inattention or distractability at all, rather it's a filtering problem because many people with ADD have difficulty concentrating on some topics at specific times because they are paying attention to dozens of other topics or situations in their environment happening at the same time. This might explain why incredibly creative minds like Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein were kicked out of school and labeled 'too stupid to learn' when in fact, they were more than likely bored with the lack of mental challenge in relation to their ability to think really fast
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities;- often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities;- often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly;- often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions);- often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities;- often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework);- often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools);- is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli;- is often forgetful in daily activities. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
3) Hyperactivity –
which is the inability to sit still. People with this hyper kinetic ability are often restless and frequently moving something physically. This could be as simple as taping their fingers on a desk top to pacing the room like a caged tiger.
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat;- often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected;- often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness);- often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly;- is often "on the go" or often act as if "driven by a motor;"- often talks excessively. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
Remember, ADD can only be diagnosed by a licensed professional, however a wise parent can track these symptoms to better work in partnership with their counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist to achieve better results for the child. Once you and your healthcare provider have determined that your child may have the major symptoms of ADD, then here are some behavioral factors to consider adding to the treatment plan from your child's doctor or counselor to further stabilize and calm their moods so that the child or adult with ADD can move forward with a stronger motivation to experience positive change as they use their high energy and creativity to accomplish more, instead of only creating frustration and aggravation for themselves and others.
1) Structure –
Keeping kids on a regular and predictable schedule is one of the simplest and yet most powerful ways to protect against impulsive behavior, because almost anything can be placed onto a scheduled routine at home, or at school. Creating positive and predictable habits, including adequate sleep will help your child excels in any school or sports environment.
2) Safe People-
Keeping kids around healthy adults, (like coaches, teachers and clergy), who reach out to support and encourage that child, in spite of their high energy and sometimes annoying habits. These healthy adults become a safety net to provide additional guidance, love and support to move a high energy child forward toward their potential instead of staying stuck in frustration and fear.
3) Strength –
Finding the best 'fit' of natural talent and strength in a child will allow you to then focus time, energy and other resources onto developing those strengths into self-discipline and skills that can be trusted, regardless of the circumstances and stimuli surrounding the child. If your child is dramatic, musical, athletic or shows leadership potential, then begin to guide them toward involvement with those natural abilities to bring out their creativity and energy in the right environment to achieve a greater result.
Once you know your child's talents and abilities, begin to look for natural places those gifts can be developed through scouting, Girls & Boys Clubs, your local YMCA, community theatre and drama, youth sports like Little League or church youth groups and choirs. These safe places can provide multiple ways to further develop your child's natural strengths which will draw out their gifts for good, instead of leaving the entire family trapped in the grief of a household filled with chaos instead of the growing confidence of a child growing strong because of growing on their strengths.
(Side note: in reading about the childhood lives of people like Jim Carey, Robin Williams, Steven King, Michael J. Fox and Mark Lowery- they all experienced the frustration of feeling like they didn't fit in, yet their parents guided them toward their strengths which led to career choices that kept them focused on future success... instead of staying stuck in the stressful situations at school.)
Whatever signs or symptoms you and your child are facing, know that you are not facing them alone. There are positive resources available at our website, (www.lifeworksgroup.org) as well as from the web links below. Knowledge is power so if you know you are facing and know what to do about it, you can turn the letters ADD from being a curse in your son or daughters life into ADD becoming a great blessing.
For further study on ADD, check out these sites:
www.Family.org
www.NewLife.com
http://www.add.org
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/default.htm
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/news/20070904/many-kids-with-ADHD-arent-diagnosed
http://www.add-adhd.org/ADHD_attention-deficit.html
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
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