Strong Moms send their twentysomething's packing
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Here's a surprising trend during these challenging economic times. A number of strong women have actively guided their young adult children out of the door of their home to build a life of their own. And the most surprising part is the ages of these moms. I've noticed that younger moms, (under the age of 45), have found the strength to do what older moms (the baby boomer generation), struggle with- because the younger moms are far more likely to have packed up their twentysomething young adult children and pushed them out into the adult world.
I've noticed that women who had children earlier in life are much more likely to cut the financial apron strings and let their young adult aged children figure out life for themselves. Sort of like they got the role of being a mommy out of the way early in life and are now more than ready to explore their own identity as a woman in new careers or relationships.
Perhaps these younger moms remembered how tough and scary it was as a young person building a career or home life, so since they made it they expect their sons and daughters to grow up faster and find their way without depending on Mom for everything. I believe that breaking the dependency on parents is a good thing. Especially since I've seen dozens of parents these last few years who had to put their dreams on hold because of a young adult child who refused to grow up. Many women are ready to grow into the next stage of life with excitement. The problem is their twentysomething who refuses to let go of the apron strings and financial security of their parents. Frequently the one they lean on most is their mom, which forces that woman to delay her dreams of building another stage of life after raising her children. And sometimes these dreams have already been on hold for twenty or more years.
"Check out time is 21!"
There comes a time when you gotta give something up to grow up to the next chapter of life, or you end up silently watching others move forward while wishing for the strength to change. The longer you financially support your grown up kids; the longer they may just sit back and take advantage of your kindness to manipulate you for cash. Better to risk bold action to directly deal with facing some tough things with your grown kids now than to avoid the conflict and end up escaping the difficulties of the situation by vegging out on the couch with "Desperate Housewives".
You won't lose the love of your adult kids if you confront them about their need to grow up, but you can delay their success in life by trying too hard to rescue them from the real world. At two that's good parenting... at twenty-two, it's time to set and enforce boundaries.
I vividly remember a Time magazine cover article that showed a well dressed guy in his older twenties sitting in a sandbox. Educated, good self esteem, ability to talk about big dreams but no follow through to actually do anything positive with their lives. Many young adults from this generation are just flat out afraid to grow up and move out to find their place in the 'real world'.
The article went on to talk about how millions of young people drift through their twenties by financially leaning on their parents. This 'boomerang dependency' creates huge financial and marital pressures on many women who just can't seem to let go of their primary identity being the mother/child relationship. And when this happens, many twentysomethings take advantage of their older mother's kind heart and manipulate the situation to prevent having to grow up and build a life of their own. It's almost like everyone else around this codependent mom can see the enabling behavior, except the mom who is just too weak or afraid to let go.
Why don't younger Moms struggle with Launching their off-spring?
After seeing thousands of people walk through the 'launch' process of guiding their young adults out of the nest over the last twenty five years it has became apparent to me that women who went into motherhood quickly in their twenties had to put many of their personal dreams on hold. These women were more ready to move forward as their kids grew up and began to leave the proverbial 'nest'. They didn't define their entire identity by their role as a mother. No sitting and crying in the floor of their kids old bedrooms for this bunch. Nope, they were too busy getting ready for the next chapter of life to sit in the floor looking at old yearbooks.
These women are ready to explore other areas of their identity, either by going back to school, switching careers, or taking on an 'extreme makeover' of who they are as a woman in some area of life. They find a career coach when the nest empties out and build a better future for themselves. And it's almost impossible to move forward with the next chapter of life if you have a 25 year old digging through your purse asking for gasoline money.
Noticing this trend of late bloomer young adults avoiding growing up and finding their place in the real world led to several years of research on this subject, which is the basis of an upcoming book I'll release later this year, ("FastTrack - moving from college stress to career success"). After interviewing countless parents of 'twenty-somethings' and over 100 young adults it helped me to clearly see this trend and then develop 4 tracks that these adult kids follow to then guide them toward the 'fast track' of early career success, which includes moving out on their own to build a strong life, instead of staying stuck at home with mom for another few decades.
Sadly, the research for the book also showed that too many women in their mid 50's to 60's had almost given up their entire identity as a woman to stay stuck in the 'mommy' role with their college aged kids.
Everyone wants a good relationship with their grown children; but it's a sign of weakness to stay stuck in the past while letting twentysomethings manipulate a situation to avoid having to take on adult responsibility. It's like many of these adult kids are living like they are already retired, while their exhausted mom or dad works continually and may not ever get to retire because of their adult children refusing to grow up. It's a sign of greater love to say, 'it's time to grow up son' than it is to let them stay stuck in their twenties while more independent young people pass them by.
39 key factors that show maturity and independent living skills
There are career coaches to guide, there are books to give insights and TV talkshows with experts on every day to tell you the importance of being strong enough to let go of your children to allow them to become confident young adults. If you get stuck or know someone in your circle who is stuck with an adult child here's a suggestion. Send me an email through our website and I'll gladly send you the 39 key factors that indicate the maturity levels necessary for young adults to launch out to build a life of their own.
I want to see your adult kids be successful, that's why I wrote a book about it, but not at the expense of watching you lose too many years of life and miss out on the joys that come after the kids are launched out into the world. If your adult kids launched well, fantastic! Help others do the same and if yours haven't gotten to the launch pad yet, don't panic. Just take bold action now so that you can watch them move forward, which frees you to do the same. Success for both generations is a better trade than suffering in silence while a 25 year old son is playing X-box in his bedroom. A way better trade.
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About the author-
Dwight Bain is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice over 25 years with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is an author and member of the National Speakers Association who partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference.
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