The Big Tree burned up last week and I’m still sad. A mysterious fire brought down
of one of the world's oldest cypress trees, estimated to be 3,500 years old. The
118-foot-tall bald cypress was the fifth largest tree in the world… but it’s
gone now. The fire investigators believe
that a fire was sparked in a hollow part of the tree, so it slowly burned up from
the inside out. By the time fire fighters were called to save one of the oldest
trees in America – it was too late.
Hearing
the news of a landmark I first visited as a child made me feel sad, but it also
reminded me of how often people do the same thing. Think about it for a minute.
How many times do you see someone who has a great career, but then they self-destruct
from the inside-out. Dr. David Uth describes
it this way, “You never see the fall in a
person’s life – you only see the crash.” Because we can’t see what is burning
in people’s lives there is a tendency to believe they are doing well when in
fact there are two dangerous emotional reactions we need to be aware of...
emotions that can destroy everything good.
Burning up –
This
dangerous behavior is easy to spot. Someone is angry, moody and irritable all
the time. When someone is burning up with emotion they need a healthy way to
vent, so these toxic emotions don’t get dumped on the people they love the
most.
Burning in –
This
is the slow-burn, like the one that destroyed the Big Tree. Resentment,
bitterness or revenge are common emotions that slowly burn inside of a person,
and eventually can destroy them and the relationships they cherish at home, or
work.
So
how can you manage these intense emotions without destroying yourself- or
others? A better approach is to remember the words of King David in Psalm 34…”This
poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him and delivered him from all his
fears.” When you learn to voice the emotional pressure you feel, it can be
pointed toward productive behavior, and can bring much good. (Much like a fire in a fireplace can warm,
comfort and soothe a person.) How can you express emotions without dumping
a “Fire” onto others?
1. Pray it-
Taking
your fears, frustrations, anger and hurt directly to God is the single best way
to manage major emotions. Little children learn to take their burdens to God,
so they don’t have to carry them alone. As adults we can do the same thing.
2.
Write it-
Expressing
painful emotions on paper is a simple way to relieve pressure. The odd thing is
that it’s so simple most people won’t take time to do it. When you take a pen
and paper and just vent out the frustrations you now can actually ‘see’ more of
the problem, so it’s easier to sort through your options and find a solution.
3.
Talk it-
Finding
a trusted friend, pastor or counselor to talk through issues is another
positive way to manage major emotions. It’s also a safe way to sort through the
best way to respond to protect the relationship- instead of letting pressure
build up that will ultimately destroy it.
4.
Read it-
To
spend time in God’s word studying the biblical response to managing emotions is
another positive way to sort through the normal emotional pressures we all
feel. Small children can learn from simple stories that show how to deal with
others, (like “Veggie Tales), and
adults can benefit from the insights of popular authors who focus on counseling
themes. Reading to gain new skills is another way to seek out new options to
manage major emotions. Remember – you always have options.
Do
you see the difference? To let pressure build up inside can lead to the
dangerous situation of a tiny spark igniting a major fire of emotion. Wisdom is
to keep the risk of internal fires away by spending time in healthy skill
development, instead of continually being at risk for a major burn.
The
relationships in your life are important… protect them by keeping the risk of
fire away. Every step you take and every skill you develop will protect the
beauty of God’s design for you, and those you care about.
About the author: Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people
achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified
Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events
and managing major change. He partners with the media, major corporations and
non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access
more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving
stressful situations by visiting his life management blog with over 400
complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Showing posts with label dwight bain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dwight bain. Show all posts
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Can you really change during a major life crisis?
Change... it is a part of life thatwe don’t like to face. Oh we mayspeculate on what it would be like to live some where else, move to anotherhouse, take another job in another industry, move away from mom and dad, ormarry our 'dream date'. We like to talkabout the big changes that we may go through one day; but let's face it. Most people hate to go through a majorchange. I think we tend to avoid changelike the plague; even though we know in our heads that God will ultimately usechange to grow us into a stronger person through the process. Some ofthe changes in life are predictable. Losing our first tooth, the independence that comes from a driver’slicense, graduation, moving out on our own, and other expected stages oflife. Some changes are not pleasant, butequally common. A new-born baby notsleeping well and the parents struggling to find the energy to cope with theirnew child's continual cries for comfort, siblings fighting with each other,feeling nervous about a job interview, wondering if you will be able to pay fora child’s future education. We thinkabout those changes for years, often with worry, sometimes with a plan on howto cope when the kids leave home, but always with the anticipation that theevent will happen one day. Thesechanges we accept as a part of growing up... of moving forward... even if wedon’t like it. You may be old enough toremember a popular song from the 1960's based on the verse in Ecclesiastes 3 :1 “Thereis a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” God has a plan and purpose for your life, andultimately we know that these predictable stages are a good thing. But what about the changes that we don’tlike. The ones that are unpredictableand painful? Think about the suddenand unpredictable changes in life. Single words tell it all. Death,law-suit, divorce, flood, abuse, hurricane, bankruptcy, flunked, foreclosure,fired. Do we quickly seek to thank Godfor these events. I don’t and suspectthat you don’t either. It is hard to seethe blessing when the change was so unexpected, so sudden, so painful and sohard to figure out. Perhapsthat is why the following words have so much meaning to me. They were spoken by a local mediapersonality, who shared these inspirational words at a banquet where he was thekeynote speaker for the event. It's important to know that hewas speaking that night AFTER he had been fired fromhis day job, yet BEFORE he was allowed to share his firingwith the public. Listen: “After awhile, you learn the subtledifference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’tcontracts and presents aren’t promises. Learn to accept your defeats with head up and eyes open- with the graceof an adult, not the grief of a child. You build your roads on today, becausetomorrow’s roads are too uncertain for plans. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waitingfor someone to bring you flowers. Andlearn you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do haveworth.” Thesewords remind me that God is in control even if my life feels like it is in atotal crisis. I believe that God has aplan for you, a way out of the pain and toward the strength that comes on theother side of a crisis. The rest of thethird chapter of Ecclesiastes includes the following theme that really gives usthe big picture on sudden and unexpected change. ‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternityin the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginningto end.” Ibelieve that God has the major changes of our lives mapped out. He knowswhy bad things happen to good people. Sothe next time a major change hurts you, feels scary, or causes you to want torun like crazy- I hope you will try running. Except this time, run toward Him, because in God you will find the peaceyou need in a difficult place. Hispresence will make all the difference to guide you from panic to a place ofinner strength and lasting peace. NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically orin print, provided you leave the authors contact information intact in the boxbelow. About the Author: DwightBain has dedicated his life to guide people toward greater resultsas an Author, Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach inpractice since 1984. He has spoken to over 3,000 groups on the topic of making strategicchange to overcome major stress. He is passionate about positivegrowth and is quoted in over 20 personal development books. Corporate client list- Disney, Toyota, AT&T, Harcourt,SunTrust, DuPont & Bank of America. Organizational client list-US Army, Florida Hospital, American Heart Association, International CriticalIncident Stress Foundation and the American Association of ChristianCounselors. Bain is a Trusted Media Resource on managingmajor change and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and televisionstations; as well as quoted in over 100 newspapers/websites including: Investor’sBusiness Daily, New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Sacramento Bee, AtlantaJournal, Orlando Sentinel, CBN.com, Miami Herald, Newsday, FoxBusiness.com andMSNBC.com Follow Counseling and Coaching insights www.FaceBook.com/dwightbain~ www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain~ www.Twitter.com/dwightbain ~ www.YouTube.com/LifeworksGroup~http://dwightbain-counselor-coach.blogspot.com/ Accessmore counseling and coaching resources about creating positive change from TheLifeWorks Group (407.647.7005)by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designedto save you time by strategically solving problems at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Motive Based Coaching is the key to Winning at Work
“What does it take to win at work?”
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motives.
When you discover the motive behind why you want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a strategic approach to speed toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Here are some key coaching questions to ask yourself-
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic career coaching plan to win at work, without losing at home. Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with your core values, which can be identified through mapping out your internal motives, since motives lead to motivation. Here are key areas I use to inspire business professionals I've coached to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal your special gifts and natural ability, regardless of how much you may feel like you are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in your heart, especially when you may feel like giving up.
This career coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to you, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your personality, character, motivation and inner-drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success, so don't be afraid to ask too many questions, but do be afraid to stay silent on this important element.
2) Interests
One you know your gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that you want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When you are inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting you lose all track of time because you find it so fascinating. Linking your interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once you get inspired to pursue the aspects of your job or career calling that are most interesting, the next element to stir up personal motivation is to discover what is most important. What is valuable to you? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet many of us haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel our motivation to create positive change.Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate people you are ready for the final stage.
4) IdentityWhen people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and have more fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows, (like American Idol), are because they reveal what many people secretly would like their daily work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard to stay motivated when you know why you are going to work and it’s not hard to stay in the race to win either. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic career coaching strategies needed to win at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to fully experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence?
Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful-
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet when you are overwhelmed with fear it can often lead to becoming indecisive and totally ‘zoning out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect yourself when heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated-
This could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are already losing at work, but it’s really more about you. Think about the times you were trying, but it’s just didn't come together. You know you want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but you feel like you lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. When frustration builds up it puts you at great risk, because you face a tough choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to your potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing-
Sadly this type of unmotivated person is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them.
They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them. I challenge you to face your fears, frustrations and the fear of failing with words of encouragement from God's word. If you take time out daily to meditate on the Bible I believe it will guide you from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
You are stronger than you think, but just in case you are feeling beat up by life, listen to the words of Moses in Exodus 14 as a final challenge when feeling unmotivated or scared about your career; “Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today...The LORD will fight for you!"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), a Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 at the LifeWorks Group in Orlando, (http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/) with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him on social media at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motives.
When you discover the motive behind why you want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a strategic approach to speed toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Here are some key coaching questions to ask yourself-
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic career coaching plan to win at work, without losing at home. Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with your core values, which can be identified through mapping out your internal motives, since motives lead to motivation. Here are key areas I use to inspire business professionals I've coached to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal your special gifts and natural ability, regardless of how much you may feel like you are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in your heart, especially when you may feel like giving up.
This career coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to you, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your personality, character, motivation and inner-drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success, so don't be afraid to ask too many questions, but do be afraid to stay silent on this important element.
2) Interests
One you know your gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that you want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When you are inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting you lose all track of time because you find it so fascinating. Linking your interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once you get inspired to pursue the aspects of your job or career calling that are most interesting, the next element to stir up personal motivation is to discover what is most important. What is valuable to you? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet many of us haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel our motivation to create positive change.Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate people you are ready for the final stage.
4) IdentityWhen people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and have more fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows, (like American Idol), are because they reveal what many people secretly would like their daily work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard to stay motivated when you know why you are going to work and it’s not hard to stay in the race to win either. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic career coaching strategies needed to win at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to fully experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence?
Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful-
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet when you are overwhelmed with fear it can often lead to becoming indecisive and totally ‘zoning out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect yourself when heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated-
This could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are already losing at work, but it’s really more about you. Think about the times you were trying, but it’s just didn't come together. You know you want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but you feel like you lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. When frustration builds up it puts you at great risk, because you face a tough choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to your potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing-
Sadly this type of unmotivated person is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them.
They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them. I challenge you to face your fears, frustrations and the fear of failing with words of encouragement from God's word. If you take time out daily to meditate on the Bible I believe it will guide you from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
You are stronger than you think, but just in case you are feeling beat up by life, listen to the words of Moses in Exodus 14 as a final challenge when feeling unmotivated or scared about your career; “Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD, which He will accomplish for you today...The LORD will fight for you!"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), a Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 at the LifeWorks Group in Orlando, (http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/) with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him on social media at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Winning at Work with Motive Based Coaching
“What does it take to win at work?”
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better coaching approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motive.
When you discover the motive behind why your clients want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a coaching approach that speeds them toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Ask coaching questions like
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic coaching plan to win at work.
Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you help coaching clients stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with their core values, which can be identified through their internal motives, since motives lead to motivation. Here are key areas I use to inspire people to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal the special gifts and abilities your coaching client has been granted, regardless of how much they are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in the heart of a client who may feel like giving up. This coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to your client, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your client’s personality, character, motivation and drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success.
2) Interests
Once you know your coaching clients gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to help them see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that they want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When a coaching client is inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting to them they can lose all track of time because they are so fascinated with the topic they are studying. Linking their interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once a coaching client gets inspired to pursue the aspects of their job or career that are interesting to them, the next element to add to stir up motivation is to discover what is important to them. What is valuable to them? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do they believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet they often haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel their motivation to create positive change.Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate your coaching client you are ready for the final stage.
4) Identity
When people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and having fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows are because they show what most coaching clients secretly would like their work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard for them to stay motivated because when they know why they are going to work it’s not hard to stay in the race to win. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic coaching strategies needed to guide your clients toward winning at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence? Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet a coaching client overwhelmed with fear can often become indecisive and ‘zone out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect your coaching clients when they are heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated
Clients in this could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are losing at work, but it’s really about your coaching clients who are trying, but it’s just not coming together for them. They want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but they lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. These coaching clients are at great risk, because they will face a choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to their potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing
Sadly this type of coaching client is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them. They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them.
I challenge you as a Christian to step up with words of encouragement to guide people from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better coaching approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motive.
When you discover the motive behind why your clients want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a coaching approach that speeds them toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Ask coaching questions like
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic coaching plan to win at work.
Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you help coaching clients stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with their core values, which can be identified through their internal motives, since motives lead to motivation. Here are key areas I use to inspire people to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal the special gifts and abilities your coaching client has been granted, regardless of how much they are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in the heart of a client who may feel like giving up. This coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to your client, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your client’s personality, character, motivation and drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success.
2) Interests
Once you know your coaching clients gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to help them see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that they want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When a coaching client is inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting to them they can lose all track of time because they are so fascinated with the topic they are studying. Linking their interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once a coaching client gets inspired to pursue the aspects of their job or career that are interesting to them, the next element to add to stir up motivation is to discover what is important to them. What is valuable to them? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do they believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet they often haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel their motivation to create positive change.Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate your coaching client you are ready for the final stage.
4) Identity
When people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and having fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows are because they show what most coaching clients secretly would like their work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard for them to stay motivated because when they know why they are going to work it’s not hard to stay in the race to win. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic coaching strategies needed to guide your clients toward winning at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence? Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet a coaching client overwhelmed with fear can often become indecisive and ‘zone out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect your coaching clients when they are heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated
Clients in this could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are losing at work, but it’s really about your coaching clients who are trying, but it’s just not coming together for them. They want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but they lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. These coaching clients are at great risk, because they will face a choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to their potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing
Sadly this type of coaching client is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them. They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them.
I challenge you as a Christian to step up with words of encouragement to guide people from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Speak Less - Say More
Words can hurt; words can heal.
But what many leaders forget is that the higher they climb on the "Food Chain," of responsibility, the greater damage they can do with a few careless words.
People 'hear' you differently when they know you are in a leadership position, (and everybody is a leader to somebody). Instead of 'shooting from the hip' by talking without thinking- try something new.
Consider what you would say if you knew a television camera was pointed your way. The world is shrinking because of social networks, so please take a few minutes to think about how you are coming across; that way we don't have to see you sticking your foot in your mouth as the next viral video on YouTube.
Speak less... Say more
Friday, January 13, 2012
5 Strategies for a Successful New Year
There are 5 key areas to focus on if you want to actually keep your New Year's Resolutions.
1) READ!
Readers are leaders, so read more if you want a better quality of life. Especailly inspirational passages from the Bible.
2) WATCH!
Invest time with media that makes a positive difference. Biographies on television or in movies can give you courage and a new perspective.
3) LISTEN!
Find positive ...music or motivating messages on the radio or from audio books checked out at the library. Let your drive time become personal growth time.
4) ATTEND!
Find positive energy from local groups of like-minded leaders at church, business networking events or seminars.
5) CONNECT!
The single greatest influence on your life is from others. Birds of a feather really do hang together, so choose your companions wisely since you will take on their characteristics in multiple ways.
So, there you have it. 5 rapid strategies to build a better you in the new year. Now go and use them to have the best time of your life!!!
1) READ!
Readers are leaders, so read more if you want a better quality of life. Especailly inspirational passages from the Bible.
2) WATCH!
Invest time with media that makes a positive difference. Biographies on television or in movies can give you courage and a new perspective.
3) LISTEN!
Find positive ...music or motivating messages on the radio or from audio books checked out at the library. Let your drive time become personal growth time.
4) ATTEND!
Find positive energy from local groups of like-minded leaders at church, business networking events or seminars.
5) CONNECT!
The single greatest influence on your life is from others. Birds of a feather really do hang together, so choose your companions wisely since you will take on their characteristics in multiple ways.
So, there you have it. 5 rapid strategies to build a better you in the new year. Now go and use them to have the best time of your life!!!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
10 year old business strategy more valuable today
Found this conversation from an interview with Inc. Magazine almost ten years ago... after seeing some of the Wall Street projections it seems just as timely today.
"Business is changing faster than ever so companies have to be focused, strategic and fast to maintain profitability. One way to stay ahead of this trend is for the bigs to partner with the smalls to offer the best of both worlds to their customers. Matching smalls with bigs brings the winning combination of Speed, Service, Skills and Selection to the marketplace.
This business model is growing because each company can focus on what they do best while allowing their business partner to bring even more elements to the table to further exceed the expectations of their customers while creating added value in the process. Deeply satisfied customers today become long term loyal customers in the future, which benefits everyone.
This type of symbiotic relationship is like the important connection of a cruise ship to a tugboat. While each one serves a very different function for the overall success of the experience, the customer may only see the big cruise ship and not realize that the 100 times smaller tugboat is what did most of the work to actually get them out to sea. Each business needs the other to be excellent at what they do well, and when each side learns to trust the rhythm of shared strengths and core values. It's common to see a business barely surviving explode with growth by rapidly moving ahead and thriving from strategic partnership."
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Awake?
Are you awake to your life?
It's been my experience that people are on one of 5 levels...
1. Asleep - totally unaware of their life
2. Awake- inital awareness of reality
3. Aware- tough level off having to face and deal with issues, but at least it's real!
4. Automatic- Changed behavior has become a new pattern... it's almost easy at this point
5. Alive! - Fully engaged into a life that matters!
Which level are you on?
More importantly, what are you doing to move toward a life that is fully engaged and fully alive!
It's been my experience that people are on one of 5 levels...
1. Asleep - totally unaware of their life
2. Awake- inital awareness of reality
3. Aware- tough level off having to face and deal with issues, but at least it's real!
4. Automatic- Changed behavior has become a new pattern... it's almost easy at this point
5. Alive! - Fully engaged into a life that matters!
Which level are you on?
More importantly, what are you doing to move toward a life that is fully engaged and fully alive!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Some days are like that
Ever have one of those days when things just don't come together? Me too.
It's unrealistic that every day will go well, and that things will always work out... better is to bounce back from the conflict or pressure, or problems as they come.
Making the next right decision is the key to a better future... better present too.
Ask yourself if you are ready for a better life. If so, make every day count and don't let anything steal your joy
It's unrealistic that every day will go well, and that things will always work out... better is to bounce back from the conflict or pressure, or problems as they come.
Making the next right decision is the key to a better future... better present too.
Ask yourself if you are ready for a better life. If so, make every day count and don't let anything steal your joy
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Growing Stronger through Stressful Changes
Growing Stronger through Change
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change is the only constant element in business and life, so if you haven’t gotten used to it, start now. I say this for the benefit of the many people, (including me) that really don’t care for major life changes...who does? Since most of us are creatures of habit, and have difficulty accepting change, here are a few tips to help you this summer.
Remember, you can’t control the circumstances around you, you can’t control the economy, but you can control you! Start now with this formula for positive change.
1. Wellness comes first
The process of maintaining physical-emotional-relational- and spiritual balance. This will allow you to be your best regardless of the circumstances of changing business environments. (Find a rapid life coaching formula to balance your life personally and professionally in my book, “Destination Success” available from Amazon.com
2. Evaluate your priorities
Most people spend more time planning their summer vacations than they do planning their lives. The rule in business is that most people don’t plan to fail, they just fail to plan. I recommend that you assess your problems, and the plan of action to resolve them on a weekly basis, and make the priority items the ones to be addressed within the next 90 days. A legal pad, or your Outlook project task manager can help you stay organized if you take time to use it! It will save you thousands of dollars, lost time and protect your energy to focus on the activities that will bring the biggest return on the time invested.
3. Listen to winners
You need a mentor, and you need to listen to them. Everyone receives counseling somewhere, (from a friend, professional, counselor, coach, pastor, consultant or family member), however, you must know what your business strengths and weaknesses are, as well as being able to hear correction or criticism in order for an outside source to be able to assist you. No one can figure it out by themselves, so if you don’t have a mentor- go find one since you will become like the people you hang around the most.
4. Live every moment
Don’t get so busy with the details of living that you forget how to live. Life is made up of relationships, and nothing is worth sacrificing the value of life... so celebrate the people and career that God has given you every day. There is no guarantee about tomorrow- so make today count.
Many people fear change and would do anything to avoid it, but by practicing these steps of being “WELL” you can grow through change, gain strength and have the time of your life. Wellness leads to greater success, so take this life-coaching formula and get busy celebrating the things that matter most- and once you master those skills, take a few people along with you on the journey.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change is the only constant element in business and life, so if you haven’t gotten used to it, start now. I say this for the benefit of the many people, (including me) that really don’t care for major life changes...who does? Since most of us are creatures of habit, and have difficulty accepting change, here are a few tips to help you this summer.
Remember, you can’t control the circumstances around you, you can’t control the economy, but you can control you! Start now with this formula for positive change.
1. Wellness comes first
The process of maintaining physical-emotional-relational- and spiritual balance. This will allow you to be your best regardless of the circumstances of changing business environments. (Find a rapid life coaching formula to balance your life personally and professionally in my book, “Destination Success” available from Amazon.com
2. Evaluate your priorities
Most people spend more time planning their summer vacations than they do planning their lives. The rule in business is that most people don’t plan to fail, they just fail to plan. I recommend that you assess your problems, and the plan of action to resolve them on a weekly basis, and make the priority items the ones to be addressed within the next 90 days. A legal pad, or your Outlook project task manager can help you stay organized if you take time to use it! It will save you thousands of dollars, lost time and protect your energy to focus on the activities that will bring the biggest return on the time invested.
3. Listen to winners
You need a mentor, and you need to listen to them. Everyone receives counseling somewhere, (from a friend, professional, counselor, coach, pastor, consultant or family member), however, you must know what your business strengths and weaknesses are, as well as being able to hear correction or criticism in order for an outside source to be able to assist you. No one can figure it out by themselves, so if you don’t have a mentor- go find one since you will become like the people you hang around the most.
4. Live every moment
Don’t get so busy with the details of living that you forget how to live. Life is made up of relationships, and nothing is worth sacrificing the value of life... so celebrate the people and career that God has given you every day. There is no guarantee about tomorrow- so make today count.
Many people fear change and would do anything to avoid it, but by practicing these steps of being “WELL” you can grow through change, gain strength and have the time of your life. Wellness leads to greater success, so take this life-coaching formula and get busy celebrating the things that matter most- and once you master those skills, take a few people along with you on the journey.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Launching the Late Bloomer into the Real World
Parenting Launch Sequence
Successfully letting go of young adults
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Parents are told to give their children "roots and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the nest, some twenty years later. I believe that the first part comes easier than the second, which may not come at all for some older adolescents these days. Let me explain a few factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early success as young adults.
Giving a child 'roots' is about shared traditions, values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior, such as the 10 commandments or the golden rule as well as providing a safe and loving home environment. I believe most parents do their best to care and provide for their kids. I also believe that most parents try to build these core values into the heart of their kids which will always show up through their behavior and choices later on in life. When a child clearly understands what they believe they are stronger and more focused to go through the teen years without getting hung up on the distractions and temptations that cause so many of their peers to stumble and fall.
Frankly, I don't think most parents really struggle with knowing what they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to learn and if you ask them, they usually have a pretty clear vision of how they want their children to behave. It’s been my experience that most parents do their best to give their kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal belief system of some kind, especially in understanding right from wrong and how to respond to the world around them in a reasonable and responsible way.
If they aren't directly building these values into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values through regularly attending a house of faith or some other form of ethical values education (for instance, consider the great programs available through faith based groups like the YMCA), or even through targeted exposure to positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by their peers as to why they believe it.
► Common fights about the ‘flight plan’
So, how do you take a child that you have loved, cared for, taken care of and protected for their entire lifetime the right amount of space to 'fly' forward on their own wings? Let me warn you ahead of time, it's often hard to find the right level of balance on this subject and kids and parents often experience their greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out just the right level of responsibility and independence for each stage of life!
Yet as hard as it may be for parents to even consider letting go of the children that they have invested so much time and energy into, it is essential for the child’s healthy development and inner strength as a person who will one day have to move out and move on as a young adult to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of knowing that mom and dad’s watchful care is always going to be near.
The goal is for them to know what they believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs in spite of the pressures around them.
► Dangerous truth- over-protective parents slow strength building
Here's why this is such a problem for some loving parents. If you never let a child test their wings by moving a little further away from mom or dad's care, then sometimes they end up developing the symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid of moving forward in life. Not all kids will develop psychological or emotional fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors that slows down their personal development and inner strength to move forward toward the next stage of life. Yes, we love our kids, but remember, part of that love is to equip them and prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a space shuttle launch sequence at Kennedy Space Center.
Think about all of the years of planning to create a successful launch into space. Literally everything that takes place for the years leading up to a rocket launch date is done to safely and strategically accomplish the goal of getting into space safely. That’s the driving force of NASA engineers- to get that big bird off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit toward the stars.
There is an incredible line of dialogue in the movie, “Astronaut Farmer” (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where the father-in-law tells his wanna-be astronaut son-in-law, “I really respect you son. Most dad’s can’t get their families to share a meal at the table together and you- you’ve got your whole family dreaming together!” The film tells the story of a dad who reflects the power of never giving up on his life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly shows the courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make an impossible dream become an incredible reality.
Space flight can be a lot like parenting- we spend years getting them ready to have a successful launch because one day we know that we will have to do a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to another stage of life. This is the way that God designed it- kids are supposed to move out and move on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process, it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.
► Blast off- or blow up?
When kids are well equipped to launch into early success during their young adult years they soar and it’s a joy to watch. If you have ever seen a launch up close from Cape Canaveral you know what I mean- words can hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even gravity can stop that rocket from what it was designed to do- blast off toward the stars! However, when what I’ve been referring to as the parenting ‘launch sequence’ is interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents they often blow up, because the kids crash in some way. Sadly, these days it seems there are more crashes than successful launches.
So what to do? Here are some parenting tips to coach you to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful lives as adults. That’s a parent’s job, to give them the roots of belief and then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.
When this process happens, a child grows through each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by parents who weren’t afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the life that God designed for them to live. Millions of other parents have successfully launched their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too.
Know that you are not alone in this process and that it’s not too late to dream about what your son or daughter could be when they launch into a successful life of their own.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2008), To receive this valuable weekly resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org )
About the Author
Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. A critical Incident Stress Management expert with the Orange County Sheriffs Office and corporate trainer for over 1,500 business groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress- both personally & professionally; Dwight is a member of the National Speakers Association who partners with the media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Successfully letting go of young adults
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Parents are told to give their children "roots and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the nest, some twenty years later. I believe that the first part comes easier than the second, which may not come at all for some older adolescents these days. Let me explain a few factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early success as young adults.
Giving a child 'roots' is about shared traditions, values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior, such as the 10 commandments or the golden rule as well as providing a safe and loving home environment. I believe most parents do their best to care and provide for their kids. I also believe that most parents try to build these core values into the heart of their kids which will always show up through their behavior and choices later on in life. When a child clearly understands what they believe they are stronger and more focused to go through the teen years without getting hung up on the distractions and temptations that cause so many of their peers to stumble and fall.
Frankly, I don't think most parents really struggle with knowing what they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to learn and if you ask them, they usually have a pretty clear vision of how they want their children to behave. It’s been my experience that most parents do their best to give their kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal belief system of some kind, especially in understanding right from wrong and how to respond to the world around them in a reasonable and responsible way.
If they aren't directly building these values into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values through regularly attending a house of faith or some other form of ethical values education (for instance, consider the great programs available through faith based groups like the YMCA), or even through targeted exposure to positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by their peers as to why they believe it.
► Common fights about the ‘flight plan’
So, how do you take a child that you have loved, cared for, taken care of and protected for their entire lifetime the right amount of space to 'fly' forward on their own wings? Let me warn you ahead of time, it's often hard to find the right level of balance on this subject and kids and parents often experience their greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out just the right level of responsibility and independence for each stage of life!
Yet as hard as it may be for parents to even consider letting go of the children that they have invested so much time and energy into, it is essential for the child’s healthy development and inner strength as a person who will one day have to move out and move on as a young adult to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of knowing that mom and dad’s watchful care is always going to be near.
The goal is for them to know what they believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs in spite of the pressures around them.
► Dangerous truth- over-protective parents slow strength building
Here's why this is such a problem for some loving parents. If you never let a child test their wings by moving a little further away from mom or dad's care, then sometimes they end up developing the symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid of moving forward in life. Not all kids will develop psychological or emotional fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors that slows down their personal development and inner strength to move forward toward the next stage of life. Yes, we love our kids, but remember, part of that love is to equip them and prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a space shuttle launch sequence at Kennedy Space Center.
Think about all of the years of planning to create a successful launch into space. Literally everything that takes place for the years leading up to a rocket launch date is done to safely and strategically accomplish the goal of getting into space safely. That’s the driving force of NASA engineers- to get that big bird off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit toward the stars.
There is an incredible line of dialogue in the movie, “Astronaut Farmer” (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where the father-in-law tells his wanna-be astronaut son-in-law, “I really respect you son. Most dad’s can’t get their families to share a meal at the table together and you- you’ve got your whole family dreaming together!” The film tells the story of a dad who reflects the power of never giving up on his life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly shows the courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make an impossible dream become an incredible reality.
Space flight can be a lot like parenting- we spend years getting them ready to have a successful launch because one day we know that we will have to do a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to another stage of life. This is the way that God designed it- kids are supposed to move out and move on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process, it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.
► Blast off- or blow up?
When kids are well equipped to launch into early success during their young adult years they soar and it’s a joy to watch. If you have ever seen a launch up close from Cape Canaveral you know what I mean- words can hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even gravity can stop that rocket from what it was designed to do- blast off toward the stars! However, when what I’ve been referring to as the parenting ‘launch sequence’ is interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents they often blow up, because the kids crash in some way. Sadly, these days it seems there are more crashes than successful launches.
So what to do? Here are some parenting tips to coach you to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful lives as adults. That’s a parent’s job, to give them the roots of belief and then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.
When this process happens, a child grows through each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by parents who weren’t afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the life that God designed for them to live. Millions of other parents have successfully launched their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too.
Know that you are not alone in this process and that it’s not too late to dream about what your son or daughter could be when they launch into a successful life of their own.
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About the Author
Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. A critical Incident Stress Management expert with the Orange County Sheriffs Office and corporate trainer for over 1,500 business groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress- both personally & professionally; Dwight is a member of the National Speakers Association who partners with the media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
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