The Big Tree burned up last week and I’m still sad. A mysterious fire brought down
of one of the world's oldest cypress trees, estimated to be 3,500 years old. The
118-foot-tall bald cypress was the fifth largest tree in the world… but it’s
gone now. The fire investigators believe
that a fire was sparked in a hollow part of the tree, so it slowly burned up from
the inside out. By the time fire fighters were called to save one of the oldest
trees in America – it was too late.
Hearing
the news of a landmark I first visited as a child made me feel sad, but it also
reminded me of how often people do the same thing. Think about it for a minute.
How many times do you see someone who has a great career, but then they self-destruct
from the inside-out. Dr. David Uth describes
it this way, “You never see the fall in a
person’s life – you only see the crash.” Because we can’t see what is burning
in people’s lives there is a tendency to believe they are doing well when in
fact there are two dangerous emotional reactions we need to be aware of...
emotions that can destroy everything good.
Burning up –
This
dangerous behavior is easy to spot. Someone is angry, moody and irritable all
the time. When someone is burning up with emotion they need a healthy way to
vent, so these toxic emotions don’t get dumped on the people they love the
most.
Burning in –
This
is the slow-burn, like the one that destroyed the Big Tree. Resentment,
bitterness or revenge are common emotions that slowly burn inside of a person,
and eventually can destroy them and the relationships they cherish at home, or
work.
So
how can you manage these intense emotions without destroying yourself- or
others? A better approach is to remember the words of King David in Psalm 34…”This
poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him and delivered him from all his
fears.” When you learn to voice the emotional pressure you feel, it can be
pointed toward productive behavior, and can bring much good. (Much like a fire in a fireplace can warm,
comfort and soothe a person.) How can you express emotions without dumping
a “Fire” onto others?
1. Pray it-
Taking
your fears, frustrations, anger and hurt directly to God is the single best way
to manage major emotions. Little children learn to take their burdens to God,
so they don’t have to carry them alone. As adults we can do the same thing.
2.
Write it-
Expressing
painful emotions on paper is a simple way to relieve pressure. The odd thing is
that it’s so simple most people won’t take time to do it. When you take a pen
and paper and just vent out the frustrations you now can actually ‘see’ more of
the problem, so it’s easier to sort through your options and find a solution.
3.
Talk it-
Finding
a trusted friend, pastor or counselor to talk through issues is another
positive way to manage major emotions. It’s also a safe way to sort through the
best way to respond to protect the relationship- instead of letting pressure
build up that will ultimately destroy it.
4.
Read it-
To
spend time in God’s word studying the biblical response to managing emotions is
another positive way to sort through the normal emotional pressures we all
feel. Small children can learn from simple stories that show how to deal with
others, (like “Veggie Tales), and
adults can benefit from the insights of popular authors who focus on counseling
themes. Reading to gain new skills is another way to seek out new options to
manage major emotions. Remember – you always have options.
Do
you see the difference? To let pressure build up inside can lead to the
dangerous situation of a tiny spark igniting a major fire of emotion. Wisdom is
to keep the risk of internal fires away by spending time in healthy skill
development, instead of continually being at risk for a major burn.
The
relationships in your life are important… protect them by keeping the risk of
fire away. Every step you take and every skill you develop will protect the
beauty of God’s design for you, and those you care about.
About the author: Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people
achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified
Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events
and managing major change. He partners with the media, major corporations and
non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access
more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving
stressful situations by visiting his life management blog with over 400
complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Can you really change during a major life crisis?
Change... it is a part of life thatwe don’t like to face. Oh we mayspeculate on what it would be like to live some where else, move to anotherhouse, take another job in another industry, move away from mom and dad, ormarry our 'dream date'. We like to talkabout the big changes that we may go through one day; but let's face it. Most people hate to go through a majorchange. I think we tend to avoid changelike the plague; even though we know in our heads that God will ultimately usechange to grow us into a stronger person through the process. Some ofthe changes in life are predictable. Losing our first tooth, the independence that comes from a driver’slicense, graduation, moving out on our own, and other expected stages oflife. Some changes are not pleasant, butequally common. A new-born baby notsleeping well and the parents struggling to find the energy to cope with theirnew child's continual cries for comfort, siblings fighting with each other,feeling nervous about a job interview, wondering if you will be able to pay fora child’s future education. We thinkabout those changes for years, often with worry, sometimes with a plan on howto cope when the kids leave home, but always with the anticipation that theevent will happen one day. Thesechanges we accept as a part of growing up... of moving forward... even if wedon’t like it. You may be old enough toremember a popular song from the 1960's based on the verse in Ecclesiastes 3 :1 “Thereis a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” God has a plan and purpose for your life, andultimately we know that these predictable stages are a good thing. But what about the changes that we don’tlike. The ones that are unpredictableand painful? Think about the suddenand unpredictable changes in life. Single words tell it all. Death,law-suit, divorce, flood, abuse, hurricane, bankruptcy, flunked, foreclosure,fired. Do we quickly seek to thank Godfor these events. I don’t and suspectthat you don’t either. It is hard to seethe blessing when the change was so unexpected, so sudden, so painful and sohard to figure out. Perhapsthat is why the following words have so much meaning to me. They were spoken by a local mediapersonality, who shared these inspirational words at a banquet where he was thekeynote speaker for the event. It's important to know that hewas speaking that night AFTER he had been fired fromhis day job, yet BEFORE he was allowed to share his firingwith the public. Listen: “After awhile, you learn the subtledifference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’tcontracts and presents aren’t promises. Learn to accept your defeats with head up and eyes open- with the graceof an adult, not the grief of a child. You build your roads on today, becausetomorrow’s roads are too uncertain for plans. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waitingfor someone to bring you flowers. Andlearn you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do haveworth.” Thesewords remind me that God is in control even if my life feels like it is in atotal crisis. I believe that God has aplan for you, a way out of the pain and toward the strength that comes on theother side of a crisis. The rest of thethird chapter of Ecclesiastes includes the following theme that really gives usthe big picture on sudden and unexpected change. ‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternityin the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginningto end.” Ibelieve that God has the major changes of our lives mapped out. He knowswhy bad things happen to good people. Sothe next time a major change hurts you, feels scary, or causes you to want torun like crazy- I hope you will try running. Except this time, run toward Him, because in God you will find the peaceyou need in a difficult place. Hispresence will make all the difference to guide you from panic to a place ofinner strength and lasting peace. NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically orin print, provided you leave the authors contact information intact in the boxbelow. About the Author: DwightBain has dedicated his life to guide people toward greater resultsas an Author, Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach inpractice since 1984. He has spoken to over 3,000 groups on the topic of making strategicchange to overcome major stress. He is passionate about positivegrowth and is quoted in over 20 personal development books. Corporate client list- Disney, Toyota, AT&T, Harcourt,SunTrust, DuPont & Bank of America. Organizational client list-US Army, Florida Hospital, American Heart Association, International CriticalIncident Stress Foundation and the American Association of ChristianCounselors. Bain is a Trusted Media Resource on managingmajor change and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and televisionstations; as well as quoted in over 100 newspapers/websites including: Investor’sBusiness Daily, New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Sacramento Bee, AtlantaJournal, Orlando Sentinel, CBN.com, Miami Herald, Newsday, FoxBusiness.com andMSNBC.com Follow Counseling and Coaching insights www.FaceBook.com/dwightbain~ www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain~ www.Twitter.com/dwightbain ~ www.YouTube.com/LifeworksGroup~http://dwightbain-counselor-coach.blogspot.com/ Accessmore counseling and coaching resources about creating positive change from TheLifeWorks Group (407.647.7005)by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designedto save you time by strategically solving problems at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
2012 – The End of the World?
2012 is projected by some to be the year that the world ends; and Christian Coach Dwight Bain hopes they are correct… to a degree. If people are stuck in habits and routines of the past then Bain says they should live every day as if it was their last... to maximize the moments and make a positive difference for Christ.
How can you benefit from making some little changes to achieve big results in this year so that you maximize your potential and experience greater success?
These are the top 5 areas that will radically change this year for the Boomer Generation:
1. Digital Technology increase across all generations, especially seniors, (Kindle, iPad, texting, DVR)
2. Healthy lifestyles to avoid health crisis and nursing care, (organic everything, gardens, bankruptcy of “Twinkies” parent company – Hostess)
3. Personal Economy focus more than worrying about the national economy with people focusing on saving over spending, (greater gap between those with financial stability and those in financial crisis)
4. Families are re-structured with Grandparents heavily involved in parenting grandkids, single parent homes increase and women being more empowered to confront issues instead of waiting on a passive husband to get involved
5. Spirituality over traditional Church membership, (deep search for God, just not on Sunday morning, more people open to discussion about faith but not religion)
No matter what the year brings, meditate on this scripture… “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” ~ Proverbs 19:21
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
10 year old business strategy more valuable today
Found this conversation from an interview with Inc. Magazine almost ten years ago... after seeing some of the Wall Street projections it seems just as timely today.
"Business is changing faster than ever so companies have to be focused, strategic and fast to maintain profitability. One way to stay ahead of this trend is for the bigs to partner with the smalls to offer the best of both worlds to their customers. Matching smalls with bigs brings the winning combination of Speed, Service, Skills and Selection to the marketplace.
This business model is growing because each company can focus on what they do best while allowing their business partner to bring even more elements to the table to further exceed the expectations of their customers while creating added value in the process. Deeply satisfied customers today become long term loyal customers in the future, which benefits everyone.
This type of symbiotic relationship is like the important connection of a cruise ship to a tugboat. While each one serves a very different function for the overall success of the experience, the customer may only see the big cruise ship and not realize that the 100 times smaller tugboat is what did most of the work to actually get them out to sea. Each business needs the other to be excellent at what they do well, and when each side learns to trust the rhythm of shared strengths and core values. It's common to see a business barely surviving explode with growth by rapidly moving ahead and thriving from strategic partnership."
Friday, January 6, 2012
Start with the end in Mind
Today I had a few minutes to catch up with a friend about the value of starting with the end in mind if you want to make a major life transition.
She was trying to decide about selecting the best graduate school... so we charted out her life calling, then worked backwards to select the best school. It was a lot easier than you could imagine, even though it seems odd.
Start with the end in mind and then work back till today. You will be surprised at how quickly you can make a major decision without the stress.
She was trying to decide about selecting the best graduate school... so we charted out her life calling, then worked backwards to select the best school. It was a lot easier than you could imagine, even though it seems odd.
Start with the end in mind and then work back till today. You will be surprised at how quickly you can make a major decision without the stress.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Growing Stronger through Stressful Changes
Growing Stronger through Change
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change is the only constant element in business and life, so if you haven’t gotten used to it, start now. I say this for the benefit of the many people, (including me) that really don’t care for major life changes...who does? Since most of us are creatures of habit, and have difficulty accepting change, here are a few tips to help you this summer.
Remember, you can’t control the circumstances around you, you can’t control the economy, but you can control you! Start now with this formula for positive change.
1. Wellness comes first
The process of maintaining physical-emotional-relational- and spiritual balance. This will allow you to be your best regardless of the circumstances of changing business environments. (Find a rapid life coaching formula to balance your life personally and professionally in my book, “Destination Success” available from Amazon.com
2. Evaluate your priorities
Most people spend more time planning their summer vacations than they do planning their lives. The rule in business is that most people don’t plan to fail, they just fail to plan. I recommend that you assess your problems, and the plan of action to resolve them on a weekly basis, and make the priority items the ones to be addressed within the next 90 days. A legal pad, or your Outlook project task manager can help you stay organized if you take time to use it! It will save you thousands of dollars, lost time and protect your energy to focus on the activities that will bring the biggest return on the time invested.
3. Listen to winners
You need a mentor, and you need to listen to them. Everyone receives counseling somewhere, (from a friend, professional, counselor, coach, pastor, consultant or family member), however, you must know what your business strengths and weaknesses are, as well as being able to hear correction or criticism in order for an outside source to be able to assist you. No one can figure it out by themselves, so if you don’t have a mentor- go find one since you will become like the people you hang around the most.
4. Live every moment
Don’t get so busy with the details of living that you forget how to live. Life is made up of relationships, and nothing is worth sacrificing the value of life... so celebrate the people and career that God has given you every day. There is no guarantee about tomorrow- so make today count.
Many people fear change and would do anything to avoid it, but by practicing these steps of being “WELL” you can grow through change, gain strength and have the time of your life. Wellness leads to greater success, so take this life-coaching formula and get busy celebrating the things that matter most- and once you master those skills, take a few people along with you on the journey.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change is the only constant element in business and life, so if you haven’t gotten used to it, start now. I say this for the benefit of the many people, (including me) that really don’t care for major life changes...who does? Since most of us are creatures of habit, and have difficulty accepting change, here are a few tips to help you this summer.
Remember, you can’t control the circumstances around you, you can’t control the economy, but you can control you! Start now with this formula for positive change.
1. Wellness comes first
The process of maintaining physical-emotional-relational- and spiritual balance. This will allow you to be your best regardless of the circumstances of changing business environments. (Find a rapid life coaching formula to balance your life personally and professionally in my book, “Destination Success” available from Amazon.com
2. Evaluate your priorities
Most people spend more time planning their summer vacations than they do planning their lives. The rule in business is that most people don’t plan to fail, they just fail to plan. I recommend that you assess your problems, and the plan of action to resolve them on a weekly basis, and make the priority items the ones to be addressed within the next 90 days. A legal pad, or your Outlook project task manager can help you stay organized if you take time to use it! It will save you thousands of dollars, lost time and protect your energy to focus on the activities that will bring the biggest return on the time invested.
3. Listen to winners
You need a mentor, and you need to listen to them. Everyone receives counseling somewhere, (from a friend, professional, counselor, coach, pastor, consultant or family member), however, you must know what your business strengths and weaknesses are, as well as being able to hear correction or criticism in order for an outside source to be able to assist you. No one can figure it out by themselves, so if you don’t have a mentor- go find one since you will become like the people you hang around the most.
4. Live every moment
Don’t get so busy with the details of living that you forget how to live. Life is made up of relationships, and nothing is worth sacrificing the value of life... so celebrate the people and career that God has given you every day. There is no guarantee about tomorrow- so make today count.
Many people fear change and would do anything to avoid it, but by practicing these steps of being “WELL” you can grow through change, gain strength and have the time of your life. Wellness leads to greater success, so take this life-coaching formula and get busy celebrating the things that matter most- and once you master those skills, take a few people along with you on the journey.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a professional member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Creating Positive Change
Creating Positive Change in spite of Crisis
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change... it is a part of life that we don’t like to face. Oh we may speculate on what it would be like to live some where else, move to another house, take another job in another industry, move away from mom and dad, or marry our 'dream date'. We like to talk about the big changes that we may go through one day; but let's face it. Most people hate to go through a major change. I think we tend to avoid change like the plague; even though we know in our heads that God will ultimately use change to grow us into a stronger person through the process.
Some of the changes in life are predictable. Losing our first tooth, the independence that comes from a driver’s license, graduation, moving out on our own, and other expected stages of life. Some changes are not pleasant, but equally common. A new-born baby not sleeping well and the parents struggling to find the energy to cope with their new child's continual cries for comfort, siblings fighting with each other, feeling nervous about a job interview, wondering if you will be able to pay for a child’s future education. We think about those changes for years, often with worry, sometimes with a plan on how to cope when the kids leave home, but always with the anticipation that the event will happen one day.
These changes we accept as a part of growing up... of moving forward... even if we don’t like it. You may be old enough to remember a popular song from the 1960's based on the verse in Ecclesiastes 3 :1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” God has a plan and purpose for your life, and ultimately we know that these predictable stages are a good thing. But what about the changes that we don’t like. The ones that are unpredictable and painful?
Think about the sudden and unpredictable changes in life. Single words tell it all. Death, law-suit, divorce, flood, abuse, hurricane, bankruptcy, flunked, foreclosure, fired. Do we quickly seek to thank God for these events. I don’t and suspect that you don’t either. It is hard to see the blessing when the change was so unexpected, so sudden, so painful and so hard to figure out.
Perhaps that is why the following words have so much meaning to me. They were spoken by a local media personality, who shared these inspirational words at a banquet where he was the keynote speaker for the event. It's important to know that he was speaking that night AFTER he had been fired from his day job , yet BEFORE he was allowed to share his firing with the public. Listen:
“After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. Learn to accept your defeats with head up and eyes open- with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You build your roads on today, because tomorrow’s roads are too uncertain for plans. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And learn you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth.”
These words remind me that God is in control even if my life feels like it is in a total crisis. I believe that God has a plan for our lives that He really will provide a way out of the pain and toward the strength that comes on the other side of a crisis. The rest of the third chapter of Ecclesiastes includes the following theme that really gives us the big picture on sudden and unexpected change. ‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
I believe that God has the major changes of our lives mapped out. He knows why bad things happen to good people. So the next time a major change hurts you, feels scary, or causes you to want to run like crazy- I hope you will try running. Except this time, run toward God, because in Him you can find the spiritual power you need to face impossible situations. His presence will make all the difference to guide you from panic to a place of inner strength and lasting peace.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Change... it is a part of life that we don’t like to face. Oh we may speculate on what it would be like to live some where else, move to another house, take another job in another industry, move away from mom and dad, or marry our 'dream date'. We like to talk about the big changes that we may go through one day; but let's face it. Most people hate to go through a major change. I think we tend to avoid change like the plague; even though we know in our heads that God will ultimately use change to grow us into a stronger person through the process.
Some of the changes in life are predictable. Losing our first tooth, the independence that comes from a driver’s license, graduation, moving out on our own, and other expected stages of life. Some changes are not pleasant, but equally common. A new-born baby not sleeping well and the parents struggling to find the energy to cope with their new child's continual cries for comfort, siblings fighting with each other, feeling nervous about a job interview, wondering if you will be able to pay for a child’s future education. We think about those changes for years, often with worry, sometimes with a plan on how to cope when the kids leave home, but always with the anticipation that the event will happen one day.
These changes we accept as a part of growing up... of moving forward... even if we don’t like it. You may be old enough to remember a popular song from the 1960's based on the verse in Ecclesiastes 3 :1 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” God has a plan and purpose for your life, and ultimately we know that these predictable stages are a good thing. But what about the changes that we don’t like. The ones that are unpredictable and painful?
Think about the sudden and unpredictable changes in life. Single words tell it all. Death, law-suit, divorce, flood, abuse, hurricane, bankruptcy, flunked, foreclosure, fired. Do we quickly seek to thank God for these events. I don’t and suspect that you don’t either. It is hard to see the blessing when the change was so unexpected, so sudden, so painful and so hard to figure out.
Perhaps that is why the following words have so much meaning to me. They were spoken by a local media personality, who shared these inspirational words at a banquet where he was the keynote speaker for the event. It's important to know that he was speaking that night AFTER he had been fired from his day job , yet BEFORE he was allowed to share his firing with the public. Listen:
“After awhile, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. Learn to accept your defeats with head up and eyes open- with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You build your roads on today, because tomorrow’s roads are too uncertain for plans. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And learn you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth.”
These words remind me that God is in control even if my life feels like it is in a total crisis. I believe that God has a plan for our lives that He really will provide a way out of the pain and toward the strength that comes on the other side of a crisis. The rest of the third chapter of Ecclesiastes includes the following theme that really gives us the big picture on sudden and unexpected change. ‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
I believe that God has the major changes of our lives mapped out. He knows why bad things happen to good people. So the next time a major change hurts you, feels scary, or causes you to want to run like crazy- I hope you will try running. Except this time, run toward God, because in Him you can find the spiritual power you need to face impossible situations. His presence will make all the difference to guide you from panic to a place of inner strength and lasting peace.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource subscribe at www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Creating positive change with healthy choice
Why don’t people change?
Understanding the connection between feeling ‘normal’ and being ‘healthy’
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park
People don't change until they think they need to, in fact, it’s completely and totally impossible to experience real behavioral change, (lasting longer than 21 days), without understanding this foundational process and more importantly, knowing what to do about it in your personal life or situation. This is based on the dramatic difference between two extremely powerful dynamics that can be traced back to our deepest beliefs which lay buried inside our heart, (spirit) and our brain, (soul). It is essential to know the difference between these two psychological elements because it is the absolute most important part of moving forward to experience dramatic life change.
Until you understand how this internal process impacts you personally, you will be helpless and powerless as you spiral back and forth between habitual behavior and hopelessness. However, when you take time to understand these internal dynamics a couple of important things begin to happen. Your failure cycle begins to slow, and then stop and then begin to spin in a new direction toward a better way of life. While this sounds good, be forewarned- the longer you have reinforced a pattern of habitual failure; the harder it may be to head into a new direction of real change, one that begins on the inside long before you see it show up on the outside.
Here is the basic formula to understand the process of real and lasting change in your personal or professional life; followed by a comprehensive analysis of each to guide you past the mental barriers block you from achieving the process of lasting change so you can begin to live a better quality of life-
One force is fueled by the very powerful emotional connection of ‘feeling Normal’
The other force is driven by an even more powerful dynamic- ‘being Healthy’
Normal-
There are multiple factors which cause an individual to feel "normal" which simply means, 'normal to me'. Even though you don’t think about it very much, you already know almost every single element that has built up to create this massive internal belief that affects so much of every aspect of your behavior in every part of your life- home, work, relationships, finances, spirituality and health.
Different people describe it different ways; like feeling comfortable or trying to be reasonable; others may describe it through comparisons like, ‘everyone does it this way,’ or ‘everybody knows that this is the right way to do it,’ and still others use the rationale of ‘it’s crazy not to do it this way’ because to them it is totally automatic to view a situation according to their previous life experiences. No matter how many roads you zoom down to try and describe the process, all roads eventually lead back to your core belief about what it really means to be normal.
Here are a few of the more than one hundred variables that psychologists and behavioral counselors can use to measure how you define being normal. Think through them while you are reading to see how quickly you can spot how some of these factors have influenced and shaped your life.
Age, gender, culture, educational level, birth order, number of siblings, family background, personality, socio-economic factors, religious beliefs, work ethic, marital history, community values, family of origin, work experiences, school experiences, failures, successes, accidents, illnesses, organizational ability, friends, peers, professional colleagues, vacations, travel, holidays, teams, sports, concerts, entertainment events, geographic moves, difficult changes, painful losses, significant births, tragic deaths, traumatic events, wise mentors, patient coaches, caring teachers, loving pastors, gentle grandparents, reading books, mass-media, television, music or film, childhood memories, and the list of key factors goes on and on.
Remember, it’s not one or even a dozen factors that lead to our understanding of what is ‘normal’ because it’s based on a very complex mental process that is simple for us to sort through since we grew up with it, but extremely difficult for others to try and grasp without specific training or extensive education on the subject. Also, unless someone is very well connected to knowing what they believe inside, the media influences that come from images or ideas found in television, films, music, magazines or music are among the greatest forms of influence of what each of us believe to be ‘normal’.
Normal is our way of trying to describe things that feel comfortable or acceptable to us as well as being one of the main factors that lead to shaping what we automatically come to expect from others and what we eventually begin to attack in ourselves. You are beginning to see that ‘normal’ doesn’t mean what you think it does, and the opposite of normal isn’t really abnormal or ‘crazy’ even though that’s how a lot of people try to describe it because it feels so different, weird or difficult to comprehend.
This is why what appears to be ‘crazy’ to some is completely and totally acceptable and even automatic to others. Some people boldly label others as ‘health-nuts’ and they only smile and take it as a compliment, while others who are boldly called ‘junk-food junkies’ or ‘couch potatoes’ simply laugh it off as a joke. Both sides may be trying to boldly communicate a point, but all the other person hears is noise because they know deep inside their heart and mind that they are normal, and everyone else would of course then believe what they believe- because it’s so, well, normal! Think about all of the conflict, confusion and miscommunication that come into our lives because of this very powerful connection between what is ‘normal’ and what is really considered ‘healthy’.
For example, research shows that 80% of American women don’t like their body image at all, and many even report completely hating their body image.
Is this because they don’t have the ability to take a deep breath, or have clear skin tone, or ten fingers, ten toes, two ears, one nose and two eyes that can track light? (Which is how many hospitals ‘score’ a newly delivered baby who has just arrived on the planet via their mother’s tummy- they measure that child’s normal appearance and functioning body parts using the Apgar scale
What is the Apgar score?
One minute — and again five minutes — after a baby is born, doctors calculate the Apgar score to see how he's doing. It's a simple process that helps determine whether your newborn is ready to meet the world without additional medical assistance. This score — developed by anesthesiologist Virginia Apgar back in 1952 is used to rates a baby's appearance, pulse, responsiveness, muscle activity, and breathing with a number between zero and 2 (2 being the strongest rating). The numbers are totaled, and 10 is considered a perfect score, It's easy to remember what's being tested by thinking of the letters in the name "Apgar": Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration.
Or is because they don’t believe they measure up to “Hollywood” standards of outward beauty and appearance? (which is about a lot more than the right number of body parts because it is based on looking, acting and behaving on the outside like some celebrity they will never meet, instead of just acting like themselves and being at peace with who they are on the inside). If a woman embraces the false belief that a particular body image will guarantee acceptance and approval she will never be happy on the inside, because age and gravity will always be working against her on the outside.
Contrast this unbelievable amount of insecurity in American females, (some as young as 9 years old), with women in other parts of the world where these media influences aren’t present and you know what happens? The opposite thing happens. That’s because those women aren’t influenced by outside images at all, so they don’t worry about their body size at all either. Why is that? Because the word “normal” to them is based on more realistic factors much closer to their own experience, genetics and culture.
American parents seem to spend way too much time begging, pleading or demanding that their daughters either lose or gain weight, yet it’s often totally ignored and interpreted as nothing but noise by a girl who has been heavily influenced by the unrealistic images of beauty painted by media, instead of an obtainable body image based on who she is as a young woman perfectly designed by a God who loves her very much. Regardless of age, nothing really can change in a man or woman’s behavior or lifestyle until there is a change in thinking about what feels ‘normal’ to the much bigger dynamic of personal beliefs that dramatically can lead us to a lifetime of really being ‘healthy’.
Another example that may describe intellectually almost everyone knows they shouldn’t smoke tobacco; however, that knowledge doesn’t change their behavior one bit. There is more information available on the dangers of smoking tobacco now than there ever has been in the history of the world, yet it doesn’t stop people from buying or smoking cigarettes with virtually no regard for the health risks that are printed on the side of every pack.
Little kids can even beg their parents with tears to ‘please stop smoking’ while pouring out their anger, love or fears over their own mom or dad’s health yet it does no good to change the behavior, or to change it for very long. What’s going on? Are they nuts? What more could it possibly take to get the message across than the broken heart of one’s own son or daughter? A million dollars? Nope- or ten million either because no amount of money, begging, pleading, or even legal boundaries about age or not smoking in an elevator or bed for basic safety can change a person’s use of tobacco from the outside, when they have accepted how normal and necessary it is for them to have it on the inside.
This powerful, (but often invisible to us), dynamic functions as an ‘auto-pilot’ in our brain and can trigger continual conflicts, habitual impulsiveness, compulsive behaviors or addictive relapses every single time it comes up- from age five to eighty-five. It is the source behind being completely out of control with our words or actions, even when we know better- at home or work and typically gets worse over time if not addressed. This dynamic is also what ignites or explodes the major problems we have with other people, because it is the source of most marital fights, business failures and financial struggles.
Our invisible expectations are quite visible to everyone else, yet silently keep growing bigger inside of us because they are often fueled by our core beliefs and strongly held convictions about what is ‘normal’ and ‘right’ to want or desire in a particular situation at home or work, no matter how out of balance, unreasonable, irrational or expensive that desire might actually be. This process actually gets much more intense based on the closeness and connection of the relationship being considered- which explains why we seem to demand the most from the people in our family and the least from total stranger… leading to dumping the most anger and frustration on the one we are supposed to love the most; while apologizing and being the most kind to a stranger. The closer you are- the more you will either add tremendous value to a better quality of life, or cause the most pain- there isn’t much middle ground on this one.
There are almost as many techniques and therapeutic approaches that can be used to map out how to change each individual element of being ‘normal’ so you can imagine that it might take a long time to struggle through each and everyone to finally ‘get your life together’ enough to begin to really practice the principles that lead to a lifetime of wellness, contentment and peace. Good news! There is a better way! One that you can begin right now called, “Never Go Back” and it’s based on the principles of being Healthy, instead of just feeling normal.
These factors are almost always enmeshed and intertwined throughout multiple areas of our lives and determine the base level of self-esteem, self-discipline and self-motivation that shape a tremendous amount of the success we will have in life. (about 80% or so), Once you can determine what a person will do in a particular set of circumstances, you can almost always predict what they will do again and again. Some people have a built in belief system about life that causes them to continually self-improve in some areas while just as quickly self-destructing in others, (think Elvis). Why such an imbalance and gap? Because they grew up where certain ‘core values were continually taught, modeled, and rewarded so in that area, they learned the ‘habit’ of success. Once you the see how easy it is to view the image
This tremendously powerful dynamic between what is ‘Normal’ & ‘Healthy’ is especially easy to get confused when it’s about something we have to deal with every single day of our lives from the cradle to the grave; nope, it’s not love- and it’s not money- but it is food. Sometimes the most common problem for many people begins in their childhood because they begin to use food to ‘fix’ other problems or pressures. It doesn’t work for kids and eventually destroys adults.
You are beginning to see that the changes necessary to Never Go Back are based on internal beliefs and core values, instead of external changes like joining a new fitness club or buying a bathing suit you can’t fit into to hang in the bathroom as an incentive to change. That’s why some people never seem to get better because all they have ever known is failure and frustration and the hopelessness of gradually giving up on their dreams. They don’t know what’s like to live free from the psychological power of food controlling their lives, so they keep trying and trying a process that brings more pain, difficulty and failure; while their dreams of a healthier lifestyle are slipping away and slowly dying and dying.
There is something better than just dreaming about a balanced and healthy lifestyle- living it! That’s what this book is about. This process has worked for others for countless centuries because it’s built on the God’s foundational truths that never change and will always work, regardless of a person’s gender, age, culture, personality, resources or education. Good news! By reading this far, you have already taken some bold steps to experience a permanent lifestyle change, because you now understand the internal dynamic that points you toward continual self-improvement or self-destruction. Now you can move forward to understand how something as basic as food can be triggered in one of four predictable ways, any one of which can continually defeat you from real change, or continually bring wellness to your body, mind and spirit. It’s time to take what you learned and move forward to master the food triggers that have held you back for too long.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. 407-647-7005). Join our complimentary eNews of practical counseling and coaching articles by visiting www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by joining the thousands of readers who receive our weekly eNews full of practical tips to add greater value to your life. Receive these important special reports and step by step resources at no cost by subscribing on the home page of our website, www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Understanding the connection between feeling ‘normal’ and being ‘healthy’
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park
People don't change until they think they need to, in fact, it’s completely and totally impossible to experience real behavioral change, (lasting longer than 21 days), without understanding this foundational process and more importantly, knowing what to do about it in your personal life or situation. This is based on the dramatic difference between two extremely powerful dynamics that can be traced back to our deepest beliefs which lay buried inside our heart, (spirit) and our brain, (soul). It is essential to know the difference between these two psychological elements because it is the absolute most important part of moving forward to experience dramatic life change.
Until you understand how this internal process impacts you personally, you will be helpless and powerless as you spiral back and forth between habitual behavior and hopelessness. However, when you take time to understand these internal dynamics a couple of important things begin to happen. Your failure cycle begins to slow, and then stop and then begin to spin in a new direction toward a better way of life. While this sounds good, be forewarned- the longer you have reinforced a pattern of habitual failure; the harder it may be to head into a new direction of real change, one that begins on the inside long before you see it show up on the outside.
Here is the basic formula to understand the process of real and lasting change in your personal or professional life; followed by a comprehensive analysis of each to guide you past the mental barriers block you from achieving the process of lasting change so you can begin to live a better quality of life-
One force is fueled by the very powerful emotional connection of ‘feeling Normal’
The other force is driven by an even more powerful dynamic- ‘being Healthy’
Normal-
There are multiple factors which cause an individual to feel "normal" which simply means, 'normal to me'. Even though you don’t think about it very much, you already know almost every single element that has built up to create this massive internal belief that affects so much of every aspect of your behavior in every part of your life- home, work, relationships, finances, spirituality and health.
Different people describe it different ways; like feeling comfortable or trying to be reasonable; others may describe it through comparisons like, ‘everyone does it this way,’ or ‘everybody knows that this is the right way to do it,’ and still others use the rationale of ‘it’s crazy not to do it this way’ because to them it is totally automatic to view a situation according to their previous life experiences. No matter how many roads you zoom down to try and describe the process, all roads eventually lead back to your core belief about what it really means to be normal.
Here are a few of the more than one hundred variables that psychologists and behavioral counselors can use to measure how you define being normal. Think through them while you are reading to see how quickly you can spot how some of these factors have influenced and shaped your life.
Age, gender, culture, educational level, birth order, number of siblings, family background, personality, socio-economic factors, religious beliefs, work ethic, marital history, community values, family of origin, work experiences, school experiences, failures, successes, accidents, illnesses, organizational ability, friends, peers, professional colleagues, vacations, travel, holidays, teams, sports, concerts, entertainment events, geographic moves, difficult changes, painful losses, significant births, tragic deaths, traumatic events, wise mentors, patient coaches, caring teachers, loving pastors, gentle grandparents, reading books, mass-media, television, music or film, childhood memories, and the list of key factors goes on and on.
Remember, it’s not one or even a dozen factors that lead to our understanding of what is ‘normal’ because it’s based on a very complex mental process that is simple for us to sort through since we grew up with it, but extremely difficult for others to try and grasp without specific training or extensive education on the subject. Also, unless someone is very well connected to knowing what they believe inside, the media influences that come from images or ideas found in television, films, music, magazines or music are among the greatest forms of influence of what each of us believe to be ‘normal’.
Normal is our way of trying to describe things that feel comfortable or acceptable to us as well as being one of the main factors that lead to shaping what we automatically come to expect from others and what we eventually begin to attack in ourselves. You are beginning to see that ‘normal’ doesn’t mean what you think it does, and the opposite of normal isn’t really abnormal or ‘crazy’ even though that’s how a lot of people try to describe it because it feels so different, weird or difficult to comprehend.
This is why what appears to be ‘crazy’ to some is completely and totally acceptable and even automatic to others. Some people boldly label others as ‘health-nuts’ and they only smile and take it as a compliment, while others who are boldly called ‘junk-food junkies’ or ‘couch potatoes’ simply laugh it off as a joke. Both sides may be trying to boldly communicate a point, but all the other person hears is noise because they know deep inside their heart and mind that they are normal, and everyone else would of course then believe what they believe- because it’s so, well, normal! Think about all of the conflict, confusion and miscommunication that come into our lives because of this very powerful connection between what is ‘normal’ and what is really considered ‘healthy’.
For example, research shows that 80% of American women don’t like their body image at all, and many even report completely hating their body image.
Is this because they don’t have the ability to take a deep breath, or have clear skin tone, or ten fingers, ten toes, two ears, one nose and two eyes that can track light? (Which is how many hospitals ‘score’ a newly delivered baby who has just arrived on the planet via their mother’s tummy- they measure that child’s normal appearance and functioning body parts using the Apgar scale
What is the Apgar score?
One minute — and again five minutes — after a baby is born, doctors calculate the Apgar score to see how he's doing. It's a simple process that helps determine whether your newborn is ready to meet the world without additional medical assistance. This score — developed by anesthesiologist Virginia Apgar back in 1952 is used to rates a baby's appearance, pulse, responsiveness, muscle activity, and breathing with a number between zero and 2 (2 being the strongest rating). The numbers are totaled, and 10 is considered a perfect score, It's easy to remember what's being tested by thinking of the letters in the name "Apgar": Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration.
Or is because they don’t believe they measure up to “Hollywood” standards of outward beauty and appearance? (which is about a lot more than the right number of body parts because it is based on looking, acting and behaving on the outside like some celebrity they will never meet, instead of just acting like themselves and being at peace with who they are on the inside). If a woman embraces the false belief that a particular body image will guarantee acceptance and approval she will never be happy on the inside, because age and gravity will always be working against her on the outside.
Contrast this unbelievable amount of insecurity in American females, (some as young as 9 years old), with women in other parts of the world where these media influences aren’t present and you know what happens? The opposite thing happens. That’s because those women aren’t influenced by outside images at all, so they don’t worry about their body size at all either. Why is that? Because the word “normal” to them is based on more realistic factors much closer to their own experience, genetics and culture.
American parents seem to spend way too much time begging, pleading or demanding that their daughters either lose or gain weight, yet it’s often totally ignored and interpreted as nothing but noise by a girl who has been heavily influenced by the unrealistic images of beauty painted by media, instead of an obtainable body image based on who she is as a young woman perfectly designed by a God who loves her very much. Regardless of age, nothing really can change in a man or woman’s behavior or lifestyle until there is a change in thinking about what feels ‘normal’ to the much bigger dynamic of personal beliefs that dramatically can lead us to a lifetime of really being ‘healthy’.
Another example that may describe intellectually almost everyone knows they shouldn’t smoke tobacco; however, that knowledge doesn’t change their behavior one bit. There is more information available on the dangers of smoking tobacco now than there ever has been in the history of the world, yet it doesn’t stop people from buying or smoking cigarettes with virtually no regard for the health risks that are printed on the side of every pack.
Little kids can even beg their parents with tears to ‘please stop smoking’ while pouring out their anger, love or fears over their own mom or dad’s health yet it does no good to change the behavior, or to change it for very long. What’s going on? Are they nuts? What more could it possibly take to get the message across than the broken heart of one’s own son or daughter? A million dollars? Nope- or ten million either because no amount of money, begging, pleading, or even legal boundaries about age or not smoking in an elevator or bed for basic safety can change a person’s use of tobacco from the outside, when they have accepted how normal and necessary it is for them to have it on the inside.
This powerful, (but often invisible to us), dynamic functions as an ‘auto-pilot’ in our brain and can trigger continual conflicts, habitual impulsiveness, compulsive behaviors or addictive relapses every single time it comes up- from age five to eighty-five. It is the source behind being completely out of control with our words or actions, even when we know better- at home or work and typically gets worse over time if not addressed. This dynamic is also what ignites or explodes the major problems we have with other people, because it is the source of most marital fights, business failures and financial struggles.
Our invisible expectations are quite visible to everyone else, yet silently keep growing bigger inside of us because they are often fueled by our core beliefs and strongly held convictions about what is ‘normal’ and ‘right’ to want or desire in a particular situation at home or work, no matter how out of balance, unreasonable, irrational or expensive that desire might actually be. This process actually gets much more intense based on the closeness and connection of the relationship being considered- which explains why we seem to demand the most from the people in our family and the least from total stranger… leading to dumping the most anger and frustration on the one we are supposed to love the most; while apologizing and being the most kind to a stranger. The closer you are- the more you will either add tremendous value to a better quality of life, or cause the most pain- there isn’t much middle ground on this one.
There are almost as many techniques and therapeutic approaches that can be used to map out how to change each individual element of being ‘normal’ so you can imagine that it might take a long time to struggle through each and everyone to finally ‘get your life together’ enough to begin to really practice the principles that lead to a lifetime of wellness, contentment and peace. Good news! There is a better way! One that you can begin right now called, “Never Go Back” and it’s based on the principles of being Healthy, instead of just feeling normal.
These factors are almost always enmeshed and intertwined throughout multiple areas of our lives and determine the base level of self-esteem, self-discipline and self-motivation that shape a tremendous amount of the success we will have in life. (about 80% or so), Once you can determine what a person will do in a particular set of circumstances, you can almost always predict what they will do again and again. Some people have a built in belief system about life that causes them to continually self-improve in some areas while just as quickly self-destructing in others, (think Elvis). Why such an imbalance and gap? Because they grew up where certain ‘core values were continually taught, modeled, and rewarded so in that area, they learned the ‘habit’ of success. Once you the see how easy it is to view the image
This tremendously powerful dynamic between what is ‘Normal’ & ‘Healthy’ is especially easy to get confused when it’s about something we have to deal with every single day of our lives from the cradle to the grave; nope, it’s not love- and it’s not money- but it is food. Sometimes the most common problem for many people begins in their childhood because they begin to use food to ‘fix’ other problems or pressures. It doesn’t work for kids and eventually destroys adults.
You are beginning to see that the changes necessary to Never Go Back are based on internal beliefs and core values, instead of external changes like joining a new fitness club or buying a bathing suit you can’t fit into to hang in the bathroom as an incentive to change. That’s why some people never seem to get better because all they have ever known is failure and frustration and the hopelessness of gradually giving up on their dreams. They don’t know what’s like to live free from the psychological power of food controlling their lives, so they keep trying and trying a process that brings more pain, difficulty and failure; while their dreams of a healthier lifestyle are slipping away and slowly dying and dying.
There is something better than just dreaming about a balanced and healthy lifestyle- living it! That’s what this book is about. This process has worked for others for countless centuries because it’s built on the God’s foundational truths that never change and will always work, regardless of a person’s gender, age, culture, personality, resources or education. Good news! By reading this far, you have already taken some bold steps to experience a permanent lifestyle change, because you now understand the internal dynamic that points you toward continual self-improvement or self-destruction. Now you can move forward to understand how something as basic as food can be triggered in one of four predictable ways, any one of which can continually defeat you from real change, or continually bring wellness to your body, mind and spirit. It’s time to take what you learned and move forward to master the food triggers that have held you back for too long.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. 407-647-7005). Join our complimentary eNews of practical counseling and coaching articles by visiting www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by joining the thousands of readers who receive our weekly eNews full of practical tips to add greater value to your life. Receive these important special reports and step by step resources at no cost by subscribing on the home page of our website, www.LifeWorksGroup.org
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