Ever have one of those days when things just don't come together? Me too.
It's unrealistic that every day will go well, and that things will always work out... better is to bounce back from the conflict or pressure, or problems as they come.
Making the next right decision is the key to a better future... better present too.
Ask yourself if you are ready for a better life. If so, make every day count and don't let anything steal your joy
Showing posts with label coaching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coaching. Show all posts
Monday, January 9, 2012
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Keep your new year resolutions with tips from Master Coach- Jim Rohn
Making Your New Year Goals Count
by Jim Rohn, best-selling author and Master Coach
As we enter into this New Year we all tend to have a heightened sense of the opportunities and possibilities that it can bring. The need for goal-setting becomes more obvious and clear. And the great thing about goal-setting is you can keep it as simple or get as elaborate as you would like. Here are some abbreviated points on goal-setting for the New Year.
I've often said the major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get. That is why goals are so powerful - they are part of the fabric that makes up our lives. And goal-setting is where we create our goals.
Goal-setting is powerful, partly because it provides focus. It shapes our dreams. It gives us the ability to hone in on the exact actions we need to perform to achieve everything we desire in life. Goals are GREAT because they cause us to stretch and grow in ways that we never have before. In order to reach our goals we must become better. We must change and grow.
Also, goals provide long-term vision in our lives. We all need lots of powerful, long-range goals to help us get past short-term obstacles. Life is designed in such a way that we look long-term and live short-term. We dream for the future and live in the present. Unfortunately, the present can produce many difficult obstacles. But fortunately, the more powerful our goals (because they are inspiring and believable) the more we will be able to act on them in the short-term and guarantee that they will actually come to pass!
So, let's take a closer look at the topic of goal-setting and see how we can make it forceful as well as practical. What are the key aspects to learn and remember when studying and writing our goals?
1. Evaluation and Reflection.
The only way we can reasonably decide what we want in the future and how we will get there is to first know where we are right now and what our level of satisfaction is for where we are in life. So first take some time and think through and write down your current situation, then ask this question on each key point - is that okay?
The purpose of evaluation is two-fold. First, it gives you an objective way to look at your accomplishments and your pursuit of the vision you have for your life. Secondly, it is to show you where you are so you can determine where you need to go. In other words, it gives you a baseline from which to work.
I would strongly encourage you to take a couple of hours this week to evaluate and reflect. At the beginning of this month we encourage you to see where you are and write it down so that as the months progress and you continue a regular time of evaluation and reflection, you will see just how much ground you will be gaining - and that will be exciting!
2. What are Your Dreams and Goals?
These are the dreams and goals that are born out of your own heart and mind. These are the goals that are unique to you and come from who you were created to be and gifted to become. So second, make a list of all the things you desire for the future.
One of the amazing things we have been given as humans is the unquenchable desire to have dreams of a better life, and the ability to establish goals to live out those dreams. Think of it: We can look deep within our hearts and dream of a better situation for ourselves and our families; dream of better financial lives and better emotional or physical lives; certainly dream of better spiritual lives. But what makes this even more powerful is that we have also been given the ability to not only dream but to pursue those dreams and not just pursue them, but the cognitive ability to actually lay out a plan and strategies (setting goals) to achieve those dreams. Powerful!
What are your dreams and goals? This isn't what you already have or what you have done, but what you want. Have you ever really sat down and thought through your life values and decided what you really want? Have you ever taken the time to truly reflect, to listen quietly to your heart, to see what dreams live within you? Your dreams are there. Everyone has them. They may live right on the surface, or they may be buried deep from years of others telling you they were foolish, but they are there.
So how do we know what our dreams are? This is an interesting process and it relates primarily to the art of listening. This is not listening to others; it is listening to yourself. If we listen to others, we hear their plans and dreams (and many will try to put their plans and dreams on us). If we listen to others, we can never be fulfilled. We will only chase elusive dreams that are not rooted deep within us. No, we must listen to our own hearts.
Here are some practical steps/thoughts on hearing from our hearts on what our dreams are:
Take time to be quiet. This is something that we don't do enough in this busy world of ours. We rush, rush, rush, and we are constantly listening to noise all around us. The human heart was meant for times of quiet, to peer deep within. It is when we do this that our hearts are set free to soar and take flight on the wings of our own dreams! Schedule some quiet "dream time" this week. No other people. No cell phone. No computer. Just you, a pad, a pen, and your thoughts.
Think about what really thrills you. When you are quiet, think about those things that really get your blood moving. What would you LOVE to do, either for fun or for a living? What would you love to accomplish? What would you try if you were guaranteed to succeed? What big thoughts move your heart into a state of excitement and joy? When you answer these questions you will feel GREAT and you will be in the "dream zone." It is only when we get to this point that we experience what OUR dreams are!
Write down all of your dreams as you have them. Don't think of any as too outlandish or foolish - remember, you're dreaming! Let the thoughts fly and take careful record.
Now, prioritize those dreams. Which are most important? Which are most feasible? Which would you love to do the most? Put them in the order in which you will actually try to attain them. Remember, we are always moving toward action, not just dreaming.
3. S.M.A.R.T. Goals.
S.M.A.R.T. means Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive.
I really like this acronym S.M.A.R.T., because we want to be smart when we set our goals. We want to intelligently decide what our goals will be so that we can actually accomplish them. We want to set the goals that our heart conceives, our minds believe and that our bodies will carry out. Let's take a closer look at each of the components of S.M.A.R.T. goals:
Specific: Goals are no place to waffle. They are no place to be vague. Ambiguous goals produce ambiguous results. Incomplete goals produce incomplete futures.
Measurable: Always set goals that are measurable. I would say "specifically measurable" to take into account our principle of being specific as well.
Attainable: One of the detrimental things that many people do - and they do it with good intentions - is to set goals that are so high they are unattainable.
Realistic: The root word of realistic is "real." A goal has to be something that we can reasonably make "real" or a "reality" in our lives. There are some goals that simply are not realistic. You have to be able to say, even if it is a tremendously stretching goal, that yes, indeed, it is entirely realistic -- that you could make it. You may even have to say that it will take x, y, and z to do it, but if those happen, then it can be done. This is in no way to say it shouldn't be a big goal, but it must be realistic.
Time: Every goal should have a time frame attached to it. I think that life itself is much more productive if there is a time frame connected to it. Could you imagine how much procrastination there would be on earth if people never died? We would never get "around to it." We could always put it off. One of the powerful aspects of a great goal is that it has an end, a time in which you are shooting to accomplish it. You start working on it because you know there is an end. As time goes by you work on it because you don't want to get behind. As it approaches, you work diligently because you want to meet the deadline. You may even have to break down a big goal into different parts of measurement and time frames. That is okay. Set smaller goals and work them out in their own time. A S.M.A.R.T. goal has a timeline.
4. Accountability (A contract with yourself or someone else).
When someone knows what your goals are, they hold you accountable by asking you to "give an account" of where you are in the process of achieving that goal. Accountability puts some teeth into the process. If a goal is set and only one person knows it, does it really have any power? Many times, no. At the very least, it isn't as powerful as if you have one or more other people who can hold you accountable to your goal.
So: Evaluate/Reflect; Decide What You Want; Be S.M.A.R.T.; Have Accountability. When you put these 4 key pieces together, you are putting yourself in a position of power that will catapult you toward achieving your goals.
Reproduced with permission from Jim Rohn's Weekly E-zine. To subscribe, go to www.JimRohn.com All contents Copyright © JimRohn.com except where indicated otherwise. All rights reserved worldwide. Duplication or reprints only with express permission or approved Credits. All trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
by Jim Rohn, best-selling author and Master Coach
As we enter into this New Year we all tend to have a heightened sense of the opportunities and possibilities that it can bring. The need for goal-setting becomes more obvious and clear. And the great thing about goal-setting is you can keep it as simple or get as elaborate as you would like. Here are some abbreviated points on goal-setting for the New Year.
I've often said the major reason for setting a goal is for what it makes of you to accomplish it. What it makes of you will always be the far greater value than what you get. That is why goals are so powerful - they are part of the fabric that makes up our lives. And goal-setting is where we create our goals.
Goal-setting is powerful, partly because it provides focus. It shapes our dreams. It gives us the ability to hone in on the exact actions we need to perform to achieve everything we desire in life. Goals are GREAT because they cause us to stretch and grow in ways that we never have before. In order to reach our goals we must become better. We must change and grow.
Also, goals provide long-term vision in our lives. We all need lots of powerful, long-range goals to help us get past short-term obstacles. Life is designed in such a way that we look long-term and live short-term. We dream for the future and live in the present. Unfortunately, the present can produce many difficult obstacles. But fortunately, the more powerful our goals (because they are inspiring and believable) the more we will be able to act on them in the short-term and guarantee that they will actually come to pass!
So, let's take a closer look at the topic of goal-setting and see how we can make it forceful as well as practical. What are the key aspects to learn and remember when studying and writing our goals?
1. Evaluation and Reflection.
The only way we can reasonably decide what we want in the future and how we will get there is to first know where we are right now and what our level of satisfaction is for where we are in life. So first take some time and think through and write down your current situation, then ask this question on each key point - is that okay?
The purpose of evaluation is two-fold. First, it gives you an objective way to look at your accomplishments and your pursuit of the vision you have for your life. Secondly, it is to show you where you are so you can determine where you need to go. In other words, it gives you a baseline from which to work.
I would strongly encourage you to take a couple of hours this week to evaluate and reflect. At the beginning of this month we encourage you to see where you are and write it down so that as the months progress and you continue a regular time of evaluation and reflection, you will see just how much ground you will be gaining - and that will be exciting!
2. What are Your Dreams and Goals?
These are the dreams and goals that are born out of your own heart and mind. These are the goals that are unique to you and come from who you were created to be and gifted to become. So second, make a list of all the things you desire for the future.
One of the amazing things we have been given as humans is the unquenchable desire to have dreams of a better life, and the ability to establish goals to live out those dreams. Think of it: We can look deep within our hearts and dream of a better situation for ourselves and our families; dream of better financial lives and better emotional or physical lives; certainly dream of better spiritual lives. But what makes this even more powerful is that we have also been given the ability to not only dream but to pursue those dreams and not just pursue them, but the cognitive ability to actually lay out a plan and strategies (setting goals) to achieve those dreams. Powerful!
What are your dreams and goals? This isn't what you already have or what you have done, but what you want. Have you ever really sat down and thought through your life values and decided what you really want? Have you ever taken the time to truly reflect, to listen quietly to your heart, to see what dreams live within you? Your dreams are there. Everyone has them. They may live right on the surface, or they may be buried deep from years of others telling you they were foolish, but they are there.
So how do we know what our dreams are? This is an interesting process and it relates primarily to the art of listening. This is not listening to others; it is listening to yourself. If we listen to others, we hear their plans and dreams (and many will try to put their plans and dreams on us). If we listen to others, we can never be fulfilled. We will only chase elusive dreams that are not rooted deep within us. No, we must listen to our own hearts.
Here are some practical steps/thoughts on hearing from our hearts on what our dreams are:
Take time to be quiet. This is something that we don't do enough in this busy world of ours. We rush, rush, rush, and we are constantly listening to noise all around us. The human heart was meant for times of quiet, to peer deep within. It is when we do this that our hearts are set free to soar and take flight on the wings of our own dreams! Schedule some quiet "dream time" this week. No other people. No cell phone. No computer. Just you, a pad, a pen, and your thoughts.
Think about what really thrills you. When you are quiet, think about those things that really get your blood moving. What would you LOVE to do, either for fun or for a living? What would you love to accomplish? What would you try if you were guaranteed to succeed? What big thoughts move your heart into a state of excitement and joy? When you answer these questions you will feel GREAT and you will be in the "dream zone." It is only when we get to this point that we experience what OUR dreams are!
Write down all of your dreams as you have them. Don't think of any as too outlandish or foolish - remember, you're dreaming! Let the thoughts fly and take careful record.
Now, prioritize those dreams. Which are most important? Which are most feasible? Which would you love to do the most? Put them in the order in which you will actually try to attain them. Remember, we are always moving toward action, not just dreaming.
3. S.M.A.R.T. Goals.
S.M.A.R.T. means Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive.
I really like this acronym S.M.A.R.T., because we want to be smart when we set our goals. We want to intelligently decide what our goals will be so that we can actually accomplish them. We want to set the goals that our heart conceives, our minds believe and that our bodies will carry out. Let's take a closer look at each of the components of S.M.A.R.T. goals:
Specific: Goals are no place to waffle. They are no place to be vague. Ambiguous goals produce ambiguous results. Incomplete goals produce incomplete futures.
Measurable: Always set goals that are measurable. I would say "specifically measurable" to take into account our principle of being specific as well.
Attainable: One of the detrimental things that many people do - and they do it with good intentions - is to set goals that are so high they are unattainable.
Realistic: The root word of realistic is "real." A goal has to be something that we can reasonably make "real" or a "reality" in our lives. There are some goals that simply are not realistic. You have to be able to say, even if it is a tremendously stretching goal, that yes, indeed, it is entirely realistic -- that you could make it. You may even have to say that it will take x, y, and z to do it, but if those happen, then it can be done. This is in no way to say it shouldn't be a big goal, but it must be realistic.
Time: Every goal should have a time frame attached to it. I think that life itself is much more productive if there is a time frame connected to it. Could you imagine how much procrastination there would be on earth if people never died? We would never get "around to it." We could always put it off. One of the powerful aspects of a great goal is that it has an end, a time in which you are shooting to accomplish it. You start working on it because you know there is an end. As time goes by you work on it because you don't want to get behind. As it approaches, you work diligently because you want to meet the deadline. You may even have to break down a big goal into different parts of measurement and time frames. That is okay. Set smaller goals and work them out in their own time. A S.M.A.R.T. goal has a timeline.
4. Accountability (A contract with yourself or someone else).
When someone knows what your goals are, they hold you accountable by asking you to "give an account" of where you are in the process of achieving that goal. Accountability puts some teeth into the process. If a goal is set and only one person knows it, does it really have any power? Many times, no. At the very least, it isn't as powerful as if you have one or more other people who can hold you accountable to your goal.
So: Evaluate/Reflect; Decide What You Want; Be S.M.A.R.T.; Have Accountability. When you put these 4 key pieces together, you are putting yourself in a position of power that will catapult you toward achieving your goals.
Reproduced with permission from Jim Rohn's Weekly E-zine. To subscribe, go to www.JimRohn.com All contents Copyright © JimRohn.com except where indicated otherwise. All rights reserved worldwide. Duplication or reprints only with express permission or approved Credits. All trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Creating positive change with healthy choice
Why don’t people change?
Understanding the connection between feeling ‘normal’ and being ‘healthy’
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park
People don't change until they think they need to, in fact, it’s completely and totally impossible to experience real behavioral change, (lasting longer than 21 days), without understanding this foundational process and more importantly, knowing what to do about it in your personal life or situation. This is based on the dramatic difference between two extremely powerful dynamics that can be traced back to our deepest beliefs which lay buried inside our heart, (spirit) and our brain, (soul). It is essential to know the difference between these two psychological elements because it is the absolute most important part of moving forward to experience dramatic life change.
Until you understand how this internal process impacts you personally, you will be helpless and powerless as you spiral back and forth between habitual behavior and hopelessness. However, when you take time to understand these internal dynamics a couple of important things begin to happen. Your failure cycle begins to slow, and then stop and then begin to spin in a new direction toward a better way of life. While this sounds good, be forewarned- the longer you have reinforced a pattern of habitual failure; the harder it may be to head into a new direction of real change, one that begins on the inside long before you see it show up on the outside.
Here is the basic formula to understand the process of real and lasting change in your personal or professional life; followed by a comprehensive analysis of each to guide you past the mental barriers block you from achieving the process of lasting change so you can begin to live a better quality of life-
One force is fueled by the very powerful emotional connection of ‘feeling Normal’
The other force is driven by an even more powerful dynamic- ‘being Healthy’
Normal-
There are multiple factors which cause an individual to feel "normal" which simply means, 'normal to me'. Even though you don’t think about it very much, you already know almost every single element that has built up to create this massive internal belief that affects so much of every aspect of your behavior in every part of your life- home, work, relationships, finances, spirituality and health.
Different people describe it different ways; like feeling comfortable or trying to be reasonable; others may describe it through comparisons like, ‘everyone does it this way,’ or ‘everybody knows that this is the right way to do it,’ and still others use the rationale of ‘it’s crazy not to do it this way’ because to them it is totally automatic to view a situation according to their previous life experiences. No matter how many roads you zoom down to try and describe the process, all roads eventually lead back to your core belief about what it really means to be normal.
Here are a few of the more than one hundred variables that psychologists and behavioral counselors can use to measure how you define being normal. Think through them while you are reading to see how quickly you can spot how some of these factors have influenced and shaped your life.
Age, gender, culture, educational level, birth order, number of siblings, family background, personality, socio-economic factors, religious beliefs, work ethic, marital history, community values, family of origin, work experiences, school experiences, failures, successes, accidents, illnesses, organizational ability, friends, peers, professional colleagues, vacations, travel, holidays, teams, sports, concerts, entertainment events, geographic moves, difficult changes, painful losses, significant births, tragic deaths, traumatic events, wise mentors, patient coaches, caring teachers, loving pastors, gentle grandparents, reading books, mass-media, television, music or film, childhood memories, and the list of key factors goes on and on.
Remember, it’s not one or even a dozen factors that lead to our understanding of what is ‘normal’ because it’s based on a very complex mental process that is simple for us to sort through since we grew up with it, but extremely difficult for others to try and grasp without specific training or extensive education on the subject. Also, unless someone is very well connected to knowing what they believe inside, the media influences that come from images or ideas found in television, films, music, magazines or music are among the greatest forms of influence of what each of us believe to be ‘normal’.
Normal is our way of trying to describe things that feel comfortable or acceptable to us as well as being one of the main factors that lead to shaping what we automatically come to expect from others and what we eventually begin to attack in ourselves. You are beginning to see that ‘normal’ doesn’t mean what you think it does, and the opposite of normal isn’t really abnormal or ‘crazy’ even though that’s how a lot of people try to describe it because it feels so different, weird or difficult to comprehend.
This is why what appears to be ‘crazy’ to some is completely and totally acceptable and even automatic to others. Some people boldly label others as ‘health-nuts’ and they only smile and take it as a compliment, while others who are boldly called ‘junk-food junkies’ or ‘couch potatoes’ simply laugh it off as a joke. Both sides may be trying to boldly communicate a point, but all the other person hears is noise because they know deep inside their heart and mind that they are normal, and everyone else would of course then believe what they believe- because it’s so, well, normal! Think about all of the conflict, confusion and miscommunication that come into our lives because of this very powerful connection between what is ‘normal’ and what is really considered ‘healthy’.
For example, research shows that 80% of American women don’t like their body image at all, and many even report completely hating their body image.
Is this because they don’t have the ability to take a deep breath, or have clear skin tone, or ten fingers, ten toes, two ears, one nose and two eyes that can track light? (Which is how many hospitals ‘score’ a newly delivered baby who has just arrived on the planet via their mother’s tummy- they measure that child’s normal appearance and functioning body parts using the Apgar scale
What is the Apgar score?
One minute — and again five minutes — after a baby is born, doctors calculate the Apgar score to see how he's doing. It's a simple process that helps determine whether your newborn is ready to meet the world without additional medical assistance. This score — developed by anesthesiologist Virginia Apgar back in 1952 is used to rates a baby's appearance, pulse, responsiveness, muscle activity, and breathing with a number between zero and 2 (2 being the strongest rating). The numbers are totaled, and 10 is considered a perfect score, It's easy to remember what's being tested by thinking of the letters in the name "Apgar": Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration.
Or is because they don’t believe they measure up to “Hollywood” standards of outward beauty and appearance? (which is about a lot more than the right number of body parts because it is based on looking, acting and behaving on the outside like some celebrity they will never meet, instead of just acting like themselves and being at peace with who they are on the inside). If a woman embraces the false belief that a particular body image will guarantee acceptance and approval she will never be happy on the inside, because age and gravity will always be working against her on the outside.
Contrast this unbelievable amount of insecurity in American females, (some as young as 9 years old), with women in other parts of the world where these media influences aren’t present and you know what happens? The opposite thing happens. That’s because those women aren’t influenced by outside images at all, so they don’t worry about their body size at all either. Why is that? Because the word “normal” to them is based on more realistic factors much closer to their own experience, genetics and culture.
American parents seem to spend way too much time begging, pleading or demanding that their daughters either lose or gain weight, yet it’s often totally ignored and interpreted as nothing but noise by a girl who has been heavily influenced by the unrealistic images of beauty painted by media, instead of an obtainable body image based on who she is as a young woman perfectly designed by a God who loves her very much. Regardless of age, nothing really can change in a man or woman’s behavior or lifestyle until there is a change in thinking about what feels ‘normal’ to the much bigger dynamic of personal beliefs that dramatically can lead us to a lifetime of really being ‘healthy’.
Another example that may describe intellectually almost everyone knows they shouldn’t smoke tobacco; however, that knowledge doesn’t change their behavior one bit. There is more information available on the dangers of smoking tobacco now than there ever has been in the history of the world, yet it doesn’t stop people from buying or smoking cigarettes with virtually no regard for the health risks that are printed on the side of every pack.
Little kids can even beg their parents with tears to ‘please stop smoking’ while pouring out their anger, love or fears over their own mom or dad’s health yet it does no good to change the behavior, or to change it for very long. What’s going on? Are they nuts? What more could it possibly take to get the message across than the broken heart of one’s own son or daughter? A million dollars? Nope- or ten million either because no amount of money, begging, pleading, or even legal boundaries about age or not smoking in an elevator or bed for basic safety can change a person’s use of tobacco from the outside, when they have accepted how normal and necessary it is for them to have it on the inside.
This powerful, (but often invisible to us), dynamic functions as an ‘auto-pilot’ in our brain and can trigger continual conflicts, habitual impulsiveness, compulsive behaviors or addictive relapses every single time it comes up- from age five to eighty-five. It is the source behind being completely out of control with our words or actions, even when we know better- at home or work and typically gets worse over time if not addressed. This dynamic is also what ignites or explodes the major problems we have with other people, because it is the source of most marital fights, business failures and financial struggles.
Our invisible expectations are quite visible to everyone else, yet silently keep growing bigger inside of us because they are often fueled by our core beliefs and strongly held convictions about what is ‘normal’ and ‘right’ to want or desire in a particular situation at home or work, no matter how out of balance, unreasonable, irrational or expensive that desire might actually be. This process actually gets much more intense based on the closeness and connection of the relationship being considered- which explains why we seem to demand the most from the people in our family and the least from total stranger… leading to dumping the most anger and frustration on the one we are supposed to love the most; while apologizing and being the most kind to a stranger. The closer you are- the more you will either add tremendous value to a better quality of life, or cause the most pain- there isn’t much middle ground on this one.
There are almost as many techniques and therapeutic approaches that can be used to map out how to change each individual element of being ‘normal’ so you can imagine that it might take a long time to struggle through each and everyone to finally ‘get your life together’ enough to begin to really practice the principles that lead to a lifetime of wellness, contentment and peace. Good news! There is a better way! One that you can begin right now called, “Never Go Back” and it’s based on the principles of being Healthy, instead of just feeling normal.
These factors are almost always enmeshed and intertwined throughout multiple areas of our lives and determine the base level of self-esteem, self-discipline and self-motivation that shape a tremendous amount of the success we will have in life. (about 80% or so), Once you can determine what a person will do in a particular set of circumstances, you can almost always predict what they will do again and again. Some people have a built in belief system about life that causes them to continually self-improve in some areas while just as quickly self-destructing in others, (think Elvis). Why such an imbalance and gap? Because they grew up where certain ‘core values were continually taught, modeled, and rewarded so in that area, they learned the ‘habit’ of success. Once you the see how easy it is to view the image
This tremendously powerful dynamic between what is ‘Normal’ & ‘Healthy’ is especially easy to get confused when it’s about something we have to deal with every single day of our lives from the cradle to the grave; nope, it’s not love- and it’s not money- but it is food. Sometimes the most common problem for many people begins in their childhood because they begin to use food to ‘fix’ other problems or pressures. It doesn’t work for kids and eventually destroys adults.
You are beginning to see that the changes necessary to Never Go Back are based on internal beliefs and core values, instead of external changes like joining a new fitness club or buying a bathing suit you can’t fit into to hang in the bathroom as an incentive to change. That’s why some people never seem to get better because all they have ever known is failure and frustration and the hopelessness of gradually giving up on their dreams. They don’t know what’s like to live free from the psychological power of food controlling their lives, so they keep trying and trying a process that brings more pain, difficulty and failure; while their dreams of a healthier lifestyle are slipping away and slowly dying and dying.
There is something better than just dreaming about a balanced and healthy lifestyle- living it! That’s what this book is about. This process has worked for others for countless centuries because it’s built on the God’s foundational truths that never change and will always work, regardless of a person’s gender, age, culture, personality, resources or education. Good news! By reading this far, you have already taken some bold steps to experience a permanent lifestyle change, because you now understand the internal dynamic that points you toward continual self-improvement or self-destruction. Now you can move forward to understand how something as basic as food can be triggered in one of four predictable ways, any one of which can continually defeat you from real change, or continually bring wellness to your body, mind and spirit. It’s time to take what you learned and move forward to master the food triggers that have held you back for too long.
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About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
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Understanding the connection between feeling ‘normal’ and being ‘healthy’
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and founder of the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park
People don't change until they think they need to, in fact, it’s completely and totally impossible to experience real behavioral change, (lasting longer than 21 days), without understanding this foundational process and more importantly, knowing what to do about it in your personal life or situation. This is based on the dramatic difference between two extremely powerful dynamics that can be traced back to our deepest beliefs which lay buried inside our heart, (spirit) and our brain, (soul). It is essential to know the difference between these two psychological elements because it is the absolute most important part of moving forward to experience dramatic life change.
Until you understand how this internal process impacts you personally, you will be helpless and powerless as you spiral back and forth between habitual behavior and hopelessness. However, when you take time to understand these internal dynamics a couple of important things begin to happen. Your failure cycle begins to slow, and then stop and then begin to spin in a new direction toward a better way of life. While this sounds good, be forewarned- the longer you have reinforced a pattern of habitual failure; the harder it may be to head into a new direction of real change, one that begins on the inside long before you see it show up on the outside.
Here is the basic formula to understand the process of real and lasting change in your personal or professional life; followed by a comprehensive analysis of each to guide you past the mental barriers block you from achieving the process of lasting change so you can begin to live a better quality of life-
One force is fueled by the very powerful emotional connection of ‘feeling Normal’
The other force is driven by an even more powerful dynamic- ‘being Healthy’
Normal-
There are multiple factors which cause an individual to feel "normal" which simply means, 'normal to me'. Even though you don’t think about it very much, you already know almost every single element that has built up to create this massive internal belief that affects so much of every aspect of your behavior in every part of your life- home, work, relationships, finances, spirituality and health.
Different people describe it different ways; like feeling comfortable or trying to be reasonable; others may describe it through comparisons like, ‘everyone does it this way,’ or ‘everybody knows that this is the right way to do it,’ and still others use the rationale of ‘it’s crazy not to do it this way’ because to them it is totally automatic to view a situation according to their previous life experiences. No matter how many roads you zoom down to try and describe the process, all roads eventually lead back to your core belief about what it really means to be normal.
Here are a few of the more than one hundred variables that psychologists and behavioral counselors can use to measure how you define being normal. Think through them while you are reading to see how quickly you can spot how some of these factors have influenced and shaped your life.
Age, gender, culture, educational level, birth order, number of siblings, family background, personality, socio-economic factors, religious beliefs, work ethic, marital history, community values, family of origin, work experiences, school experiences, failures, successes, accidents, illnesses, organizational ability, friends, peers, professional colleagues, vacations, travel, holidays, teams, sports, concerts, entertainment events, geographic moves, difficult changes, painful losses, significant births, tragic deaths, traumatic events, wise mentors, patient coaches, caring teachers, loving pastors, gentle grandparents, reading books, mass-media, television, music or film, childhood memories, and the list of key factors goes on and on.
Remember, it’s not one or even a dozen factors that lead to our understanding of what is ‘normal’ because it’s based on a very complex mental process that is simple for us to sort through since we grew up with it, but extremely difficult for others to try and grasp without specific training or extensive education on the subject. Also, unless someone is very well connected to knowing what they believe inside, the media influences that come from images or ideas found in television, films, music, magazines or music are among the greatest forms of influence of what each of us believe to be ‘normal’.
Normal is our way of trying to describe things that feel comfortable or acceptable to us as well as being one of the main factors that lead to shaping what we automatically come to expect from others and what we eventually begin to attack in ourselves. You are beginning to see that ‘normal’ doesn’t mean what you think it does, and the opposite of normal isn’t really abnormal or ‘crazy’ even though that’s how a lot of people try to describe it because it feels so different, weird or difficult to comprehend.
This is why what appears to be ‘crazy’ to some is completely and totally acceptable and even automatic to others. Some people boldly label others as ‘health-nuts’ and they only smile and take it as a compliment, while others who are boldly called ‘junk-food junkies’ or ‘couch potatoes’ simply laugh it off as a joke. Both sides may be trying to boldly communicate a point, but all the other person hears is noise because they know deep inside their heart and mind that they are normal, and everyone else would of course then believe what they believe- because it’s so, well, normal! Think about all of the conflict, confusion and miscommunication that come into our lives because of this very powerful connection between what is ‘normal’ and what is really considered ‘healthy’.
For example, research shows that 80% of American women don’t like their body image at all, and many even report completely hating their body image.
Is this because they don’t have the ability to take a deep breath, or have clear skin tone, or ten fingers, ten toes, two ears, one nose and two eyes that can track light? (Which is how many hospitals ‘score’ a newly delivered baby who has just arrived on the planet via their mother’s tummy- they measure that child’s normal appearance and functioning body parts using the Apgar scale
What is the Apgar score?
One minute — and again five minutes — after a baby is born, doctors calculate the Apgar score to see how he's doing. It's a simple process that helps determine whether your newborn is ready to meet the world without additional medical assistance. This score — developed by anesthesiologist Virginia Apgar back in 1952 is used to rates a baby's appearance, pulse, responsiveness, muscle activity, and breathing with a number between zero and 2 (2 being the strongest rating). The numbers are totaled, and 10 is considered a perfect score, It's easy to remember what's being tested by thinking of the letters in the name "Apgar": Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration.
Or is because they don’t believe they measure up to “Hollywood” standards of outward beauty and appearance? (which is about a lot more than the right number of body parts because it is based on looking, acting and behaving on the outside like some celebrity they will never meet, instead of just acting like themselves and being at peace with who they are on the inside). If a woman embraces the false belief that a particular body image will guarantee acceptance and approval she will never be happy on the inside, because age and gravity will always be working against her on the outside.
Contrast this unbelievable amount of insecurity in American females, (some as young as 9 years old), with women in other parts of the world where these media influences aren’t present and you know what happens? The opposite thing happens. That’s because those women aren’t influenced by outside images at all, so they don’t worry about their body size at all either. Why is that? Because the word “normal” to them is based on more realistic factors much closer to their own experience, genetics and culture.
American parents seem to spend way too much time begging, pleading or demanding that their daughters either lose or gain weight, yet it’s often totally ignored and interpreted as nothing but noise by a girl who has been heavily influenced by the unrealistic images of beauty painted by media, instead of an obtainable body image based on who she is as a young woman perfectly designed by a God who loves her very much. Regardless of age, nothing really can change in a man or woman’s behavior or lifestyle until there is a change in thinking about what feels ‘normal’ to the much bigger dynamic of personal beliefs that dramatically can lead us to a lifetime of really being ‘healthy’.
Another example that may describe intellectually almost everyone knows they shouldn’t smoke tobacco; however, that knowledge doesn’t change their behavior one bit. There is more information available on the dangers of smoking tobacco now than there ever has been in the history of the world, yet it doesn’t stop people from buying or smoking cigarettes with virtually no regard for the health risks that are printed on the side of every pack.
Little kids can even beg their parents with tears to ‘please stop smoking’ while pouring out their anger, love or fears over their own mom or dad’s health yet it does no good to change the behavior, or to change it for very long. What’s going on? Are they nuts? What more could it possibly take to get the message across than the broken heart of one’s own son or daughter? A million dollars? Nope- or ten million either because no amount of money, begging, pleading, or even legal boundaries about age or not smoking in an elevator or bed for basic safety can change a person’s use of tobacco from the outside, when they have accepted how normal and necessary it is for them to have it on the inside.
This powerful, (but often invisible to us), dynamic functions as an ‘auto-pilot’ in our brain and can trigger continual conflicts, habitual impulsiveness, compulsive behaviors or addictive relapses every single time it comes up- from age five to eighty-five. It is the source behind being completely out of control with our words or actions, even when we know better- at home or work and typically gets worse over time if not addressed. This dynamic is also what ignites or explodes the major problems we have with other people, because it is the source of most marital fights, business failures and financial struggles.
Our invisible expectations are quite visible to everyone else, yet silently keep growing bigger inside of us because they are often fueled by our core beliefs and strongly held convictions about what is ‘normal’ and ‘right’ to want or desire in a particular situation at home or work, no matter how out of balance, unreasonable, irrational or expensive that desire might actually be. This process actually gets much more intense based on the closeness and connection of the relationship being considered- which explains why we seem to demand the most from the people in our family and the least from total stranger… leading to dumping the most anger and frustration on the one we are supposed to love the most; while apologizing and being the most kind to a stranger. The closer you are- the more you will either add tremendous value to a better quality of life, or cause the most pain- there isn’t much middle ground on this one.
There are almost as many techniques and therapeutic approaches that can be used to map out how to change each individual element of being ‘normal’ so you can imagine that it might take a long time to struggle through each and everyone to finally ‘get your life together’ enough to begin to really practice the principles that lead to a lifetime of wellness, contentment and peace. Good news! There is a better way! One that you can begin right now called, “Never Go Back” and it’s based on the principles of being Healthy, instead of just feeling normal.
These factors are almost always enmeshed and intertwined throughout multiple areas of our lives and determine the base level of self-esteem, self-discipline and self-motivation that shape a tremendous amount of the success we will have in life. (about 80% or so), Once you can determine what a person will do in a particular set of circumstances, you can almost always predict what they will do again and again. Some people have a built in belief system about life that causes them to continually self-improve in some areas while just as quickly self-destructing in others, (think Elvis). Why such an imbalance and gap? Because they grew up where certain ‘core values were continually taught, modeled, and rewarded so in that area, they learned the ‘habit’ of success. Once you the see how easy it is to view the image
This tremendously powerful dynamic between what is ‘Normal’ & ‘Healthy’ is especially easy to get confused when it’s about something we have to deal with every single day of our lives from the cradle to the grave; nope, it’s not love- and it’s not money- but it is food. Sometimes the most common problem for many people begins in their childhood because they begin to use food to ‘fix’ other problems or pressures. It doesn’t work for kids and eventually destroys adults.
You are beginning to see that the changes necessary to Never Go Back are based on internal beliefs and core values, instead of external changes like joining a new fitness club or buying a bathing suit you can’t fit into to hang in the bathroom as an incentive to change. That’s why some people never seem to get better because all they have ever known is failure and frustration and the hopelessness of gradually giving up on their dreams. They don’t know what’s like to live free from the psychological power of food controlling their lives, so they keep trying and trying a process that brings more pain, difficulty and failure; while their dreams of a healthier lifestyle are slipping away and slowly dying and dying.
There is something better than just dreaming about a balanced and healthy lifestyle- living it! That’s what this book is about. This process has worked for others for countless centuries because it’s built on the God’s foundational truths that never change and will always work, regardless of a person’s gender, age, culture, personality, resources or education. Good news! By reading this far, you have already taken some bold steps to experience a permanent lifestyle change, because you now understand the internal dynamic that points you toward continual self-improvement or self-destruction. Now you can move forward to understand how something as basic as food can be triggered in one of four predictable ways, any one of which can continually defeat you from real change, or continually bring wellness to your body, mind and spirit. It’s time to take what you learned and move forward to master the food triggers that have held you back for too long.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Winter Park, Florida. 407-647-7005). Join our complimentary eNews of practical counseling and coaching articles by visiting www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by joining the thousands of readers who receive our weekly eNews full of practical tips to add greater value to your life. Receive these important special reports and step by step resources at no cost by subscribing on the home page of our website, www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Monday, October 27, 2008
Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions
Frozen by the Fear of Wrong Decisions
A coaching process to guide you toward greater results
by Dwight Bain, Certified Life Coach & Nationally Certified Counselor
One of my favorite sayings to share with people facing a major decision is "you always have options." Yet in challenging times people are often so frozen by fear from making a wrong decision that they don't make a decision at all and life passes them by. Think of how many events in life are complicated or missed completely because of the roadblock of being afraid to fail by making a decision and then making that decision work...
-Marriages that didn't happen because of a shy guy with cold feet
-Promotions that never occurred because of the fear of asking for it
-Scholarships left on a table somewhere because someone was afraid to fill out the paperwork
-Trips to exotic places that were always talked about, but never taken because no one sat down to schedule it
-Relationships that failed because someone didn't decide to work on issues and quietly let things 'slip, slide away'
-Forgiveness that was never granted because someone never got past the fear of saying that they were sorry
I've noticed that people will fit into one of the following levels when facing a major decision. Think about where you are in the process.
Level 1- Go Numb- and do nothing
This level is where an individual is so paralyzed by fear that they can't take action and may experience major signs or symptoms of distress. When someone feels numb inside, they often describe their life as being in a 'fog' and often crash in the process. This may be the most dangerous level of all.
Level 2- Passive Pleasing
This level is about pleasing others in a very non-assertive way. The people pleaser personality is passively trying to avoid a conflict, yet often their quietness of not dealing with issues is covering up an emotional explosion that can erupt at any time. This person looks quiet and pleasant on the outside, yet often is irritated and frustrated on the inside.
Level 3- Mediocrity in the Middle of the Road
When people are trying to be politically correct they often will just sit in the middle of the road on an issue. Are they conservative or liberal, do they see things as white or black? You never know because this person refuses to take a stand- often because they either don't care about the situation to have an opinion about it, or are afraid to say it. The risk of sitting in the middle of the road is that you will eventually be run over by a more direct personality who knows where they are going.
Level 4- Active & Assertive Expression
If you know what you believe and are able to express it then you are in a situation of active and assertive expression. People know where you stand because you tell them, instead of trying to hint around for them to read your mind. This level may lead to some hurt feelings on occasion, but those are soon forgotten because positive action eventually leads to positive results.
Level 5- Energetic- Do it all with Enthusiasm
This level is a joy to watch develop in a person's life when facing a major decision. They KNOW that it's the right person to marry, or the right college to attend, or the best time to move on to a better career. There is such a degree of personal power in energetic decision makers that people just want to be around them to gain insight and strength to face the decisions they need to make in their own lives with more confidence. Everyone loves to be around level 5 decision makers because even if the things that need to change aren't pleasant, this individual is able to communicate in such a way that it is just natural to follow their lead.
As you think through the 5 levels of decision making, I hope you saw most of your personal or professional life in either level 4 or 5, because that is where the action is. You can't get results if you are frozen by the fear of being indecisive. Life is changing fast and you must be focused on how to rapidly change with it if you want to be more successful.
Here is a LifeWorks Group exercise designed to coach you through the decision process. Hopefully you can use it today to rapidly sort through your options to come up with a rock solid decision and build a better future. So take out your legal pad, or map it out in an email to review with a coach, mentor or friend as you move from being frozen by fear to growing forward in greater faith because you have mastered the secrets to making right decisions.
STRATEGIC COACHING DECISION MAKING PROCESS
-Define a particular problem, question or choice you are currently struggling with
-List your options for resolving the question or choice
-Write the possible outcomes for each option, both short term and long term
-Write the benefits or risks of each option
-Determine which option corresponds most closely with your overall values and goals
-Determine which option is the healthiest choice for all involved
-Is this a decision you can commit to for a specified period of time, and if so how long?
-Talk with a supportive/trusted people about the options and write down useful suggestions: (it may be tempting to skip this step, but this is one of the most valuable parts of gaining an objective perspective and to 'test' your ideas before you put them into practice).
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/ eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/
A coaching process to guide you toward greater results
by Dwight Bain, Certified Life Coach & Nationally Certified Counselor
One of my favorite sayings to share with people facing a major decision is "you always have options." Yet in challenging times people are often so frozen by fear from making a wrong decision that they don't make a decision at all and life passes them by. Think of how many events in life are complicated or missed completely because of the roadblock of being afraid to fail by making a decision and then making that decision work...
-Marriages that didn't happen because of a shy guy with cold feet
-Promotions that never occurred because of the fear of asking for it
-Scholarships left on a table somewhere because someone was afraid to fill out the paperwork
-Trips to exotic places that were always talked about, but never taken because no one sat down to schedule it
-Relationships that failed because someone didn't decide to work on issues and quietly let things 'slip, slide away'
-Forgiveness that was never granted because someone never got past the fear of saying that they were sorry
I've noticed that people will fit into one of the following levels when facing a major decision. Think about where you are in the process.
Level 1- Go Numb- and do nothing
This level is where an individual is so paralyzed by fear that they can't take action and may experience major signs or symptoms of distress. When someone feels numb inside, they often describe their life as being in a 'fog' and often crash in the process. This may be the most dangerous level of all.
Level 2- Passive Pleasing
This level is about pleasing others in a very non-assertive way. The people pleaser personality is passively trying to avoid a conflict, yet often their quietness of not dealing with issues is covering up an emotional explosion that can erupt at any time. This person looks quiet and pleasant on the outside, yet often is irritated and frustrated on the inside.
Level 3- Mediocrity in the Middle of the Road
When people are trying to be politically correct they often will just sit in the middle of the road on an issue. Are they conservative or liberal, do they see things as white or black? You never know because this person refuses to take a stand- often because they either don't care about the situation to have an opinion about it, or are afraid to say it. The risk of sitting in the middle of the road is that you will eventually be run over by a more direct personality who knows where they are going.
Level 4- Active & Assertive Expression
If you know what you believe and are able to express it then you are in a situation of active and assertive expression. People know where you stand because you tell them, instead of trying to hint around for them to read your mind. This level may lead to some hurt feelings on occasion, but those are soon forgotten because positive action eventually leads to positive results.
Level 5- Energetic- Do it all with Enthusiasm
This level is a joy to watch develop in a person's life when facing a major decision. They KNOW that it's the right person to marry, or the right college to attend, or the best time to move on to a better career. There is such a degree of personal power in energetic decision makers that people just want to be around them to gain insight and strength to face the decisions they need to make in their own lives with more confidence. Everyone loves to be around level 5 decision makers because even if the things that need to change aren't pleasant, this individual is able to communicate in such a way that it is just natural to follow their lead.
As you think through the 5 levels of decision making, I hope you saw most of your personal or professional life in either level 4 or 5, because that is where the action is. You can't get results if you are frozen by the fear of being indecisive. Life is changing fast and you must be focused on how to rapidly change with it if you want to be more successful.
Here is a LifeWorks Group exercise designed to coach you through the decision process. Hopefully you can use it today to rapidly sort through your options to come up with a rock solid decision and build a better future. So take out your legal pad, or map it out in an email to review with a coach, mentor or friend as you move from being frozen by fear to growing forward in greater faith because you have mastered the secrets to making right decisions.
STRATEGIC COACHING DECISION MAKING PROCESS
-Define a particular problem, question or choice you are currently struggling with
-List your options for resolving the question or choice
-Write the possible outcomes for each option, both short term and long term
-Write the benefits or risks of each option
-Determine which option corresponds most closely with your overall values and goals
-Determine which option is the healthiest choice for all involved
-Is this a decision you can commit to for a specified period of time, and if so how long?
-Talk with a supportive/trusted people about the options and write down useful suggestions: (it may be tempting to skip this step, but this is one of the most valuable parts of gaining an objective perspective and to 'test' your ideas before you put them into practice).
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/ eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at http://www.lifeworksgroup.org/
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