The Big Tree burned up last week and I’m still sad. A mysterious fire brought down
of one of the world's oldest cypress trees, estimated to be 3,500 years old. The
118-foot-tall bald cypress was the fifth largest tree in the world… but it’s
gone now. The fire investigators believe
that a fire was sparked in a hollow part of the tree, so it slowly burned up from
the inside out. By the time fire fighters were called to save one of the oldest
trees in America – it was too late.
Hearing
the news of a landmark I first visited as a child made me feel sad, but it also
reminded me of how often people do the same thing. Think about it for a minute.
How many times do you see someone who has a great career, but then they self-destruct
from the inside-out. Dr. David Uth describes
it this way, “You never see the fall in a
person’s life – you only see the crash.” Because we can’t see what is burning
in people’s lives there is a tendency to believe they are doing well when in
fact there are two dangerous emotional reactions we need to be aware of...
emotions that can destroy everything good.
Burning up –
This
dangerous behavior is easy to spot. Someone is angry, moody and irritable all
the time. When someone is burning up with emotion they need a healthy way to
vent, so these toxic emotions don’t get dumped on the people they love the
most.
Burning in –
This
is the slow-burn, like the one that destroyed the Big Tree. Resentment,
bitterness or revenge are common emotions that slowly burn inside of a person,
and eventually can destroy them and the relationships they cherish at home, or
work.
So
how can you manage these intense emotions without destroying yourself- or
others? A better approach is to remember the words of King David in Psalm 34…”This
poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him and delivered him from all his
fears.” When you learn to voice the emotional pressure you feel, it can be
pointed toward productive behavior, and can bring much good. (Much like a fire in a fireplace can warm,
comfort and soothe a person.) How can you express emotions without dumping
a “Fire” onto others?
1. Pray it-
Taking
your fears, frustrations, anger and hurt directly to God is the single best way
to manage major emotions. Little children learn to take their burdens to God,
so they don’t have to carry them alone. As adults we can do the same thing.
2.
Write it-
Expressing
painful emotions on paper is a simple way to relieve pressure. The odd thing is
that it’s so simple most people won’t take time to do it. When you take a pen
and paper and just vent out the frustrations you now can actually ‘see’ more of
the problem, so it’s easier to sort through your options and find a solution.
3.
Talk it-
Finding
a trusted friend, pastor or counselor to talk through issues is another
positive way to manage major emotions. It’s also a safe way to sort through the
best way to respond to protect the relationship- instead of letting pressure
build up that will ultimately destroy it.
4.
Read it-
To
spend time in God’s word studying the biblical response to managing emotions is
another positive way to sort through the normal emotional pressures we all
feel. Small children can learn from simple stories that show how to deal with
others, (like “Veggie Tales), and
adults can benefit from the insights of popular authors who focus on counseling
themes. Reading to gain new skills is another way to seek out new options to
manage major emotions. Remember – you always have options.
Do
you see the difference? To let pressure build up inside can lead to the
dangerous situation of a tiny spark igniting a major fire of emotion. Wisdom is
to keep the risk of internal fires away by spending time in healthy skill
development, instead of continually being at risk for a major burn.
The
relationships in your life are important… protect them by keeping the risk of
fire away. Every step you take and every skill you develop will protect the
beauty of God’s design for you, and those you care about.
About the author: Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people
achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified
Life Coach in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events
and managing major change. He partners with the media, major corporations and
non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access
more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving
stressful situations by visiting his life management blog with over 400
complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org
Showing posts with label Christian Counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christian Counseling. Show all posts
Friday, February 17, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Winning at Work with Motive Based Coaching
“What does it take to win at work?”
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better coaching approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motive.
When you discover the motive behind why your clients want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a coaching approach that speeds them toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Ask coaching questions like
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic coaching plan to win at work.
Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you help coaching clients stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with their core values, which can be identified through their internal motives, since motives lead to motivation. Here are key areas I use to inspire people to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal the special gifts and abilities your coaching client has been granted, regardless of how much they are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in the heart of a client who may feel like giving up. This coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to your client, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your client’s personality, character, motivation and drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success.
2) Interests
Once you know your coaching clients gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to help them see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that they want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When a coaching client is inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting to them they can lose all track of time because they are so fascinated with the topic they are studying. Linking their interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once a coaching client gets inspired to pursue the aspects of their job or career that are interesting to them, the next element to add to stir up motivation is to discover what is important to them. What is valuable to them? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do they believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet they often haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel their motivation to create positive change.Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate your coaching client you are ready for the final stage.
4) Identity
When people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and having fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows are because they show what most coaching clients secretly would like their work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard for them to stay motivated because when they know why they are going to work it’s not hard to stay in the race to win. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic coaching strategies needed to guide your clients toward winning at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence? Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet a coaching client overwhelmed with fear can often become indecisive and ‘zone out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect your coaching clients when they are heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated
Clients in this could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are losing at work, but it’s really about your coaching clients who are trying, but it’s just not coming together for them. They want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but they lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. These coaching clients are at great risk, because they will face a choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to their potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing
Sadly this type of coaching client is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them. They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them.
I challenge you as a Christian to step up with words of encouragement to guide people from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
People have asked me that question dozens of times after a keynote speech or radio talk show. They wanted to know the action to take to build a successful life instead of being trapped in long term failure. It's a great question, but since every person faces different challenges there isn't a 100% specific answer that works for every person. A better coaching approach is to focus on the real source of motivation by exploring the underlying motive.
When you discover the motive behind why your clients want to win at work you will be on track to shaping a coaching approach that speeds them toward accomplishing goals and avoiding distractions that lead to failure. Ask coaching questions like
· Do you want to win at work to deepen your resume to advance your career?
· Does success at work mean making more money to bring home to your family?
· Does career success give you personal meaning and fulfillment?
· Does winning bring you a sense of satisfaction by proving you are the best?
Greater professional success usually gives a person much greater options in their personal life because increased income brings the flexibility to solve problems and control schedules by delegation. Outsourcing to save time and money is a wise use of resources. However, working harder to gain greater self-esteem is a dangerous motivator because it takes major sacrifices of time and energy and can often become a ‘black hole’ of busy activity leading to workaholism.
Career burnout is from an attempt to fill up deep emotional insecurity through aggressive professional activity. Burnout won’t lead to professional success, and sadly is incredibly common among people who haven’t seen the importance of mapping out a realistic coaching plan to win at work.
Finding the Energy for Career Success
So how do you help coaching clients stay motivated to achieve greater career success? Start by dealing with their core values, which can be identified through their internal motives, since motives lead to motivation. Here are key areas I use to inspire people to stay focused to win at work while feeling greater energy and fulfillment in the process.
1) Insight
There is a scripture verse I was taught to pray every day, “If any many lacks wisdom let him ask God and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5). If you know that you don’t know the answers, then asking for God’s direction is a wise use of time. Generating insight by asking God to reveal the special gifts and abilities your coaching client has been granted, regardless of how much they are struggling. Everyone has talent and ability at something. It takes insight to see it and then it takes courage to stay focused to light the fire of desire in the heart of a client who may feel like giving up. This coaching approach could begin with some of the people close to your client, like a marriage partner, family member or trusted friend because they already know so much about your client’s personality, character, motivation and drives. Asking many questions to gain greater insight will protect against impulsive choices, and insure a greater likelihood of success.
2) Interests
Once you know your coaching clients gifts, talents, abilities and skills, the next step is to help them see how those unique gifts could be transferred into something so incredibly interesting that they want to show up and learn more about it every day. There is an old saying that the curious are never bored, which is true. When a coaching client is inspired about pursuing something extremely interesting to them they can lose all track of time because they are so fascinated with the topic they are studying. Linking their interests with greater insight leads to the next part of the process to win at work.
3) Important
Once a coaching client gets inspired to pursue the aspects of their job or career that are interesting to them, the next element to add to stir up motivation is to discover what is important to them. What is valuable to them? What has great meaning? What activities or organizations do they believe strongly in? Everyone believes in something yet they often haven’t taken time to explore and discover the core motives that fuel their motivation to create positive change.Now that you have mapped out the key areas that motivate your coaching client you are ready for the final stage.
4) Identity
When people figure who they are, and what they enjoy doing, they are on track to live out their purpose and having fun in the process! Perhaps the huge success of many work related reality TV shows are because they show what most coaching clients secretly would like their work experience to be - a place that allows them to utilize their creative abilities in an environment that rewards taking big risks to achieve greater results. It’s not hard for them to stay motivated because when they know why they are going to work it’s not hard to stay in the race to win. In fact, it makes it easy to move from a fear of failure to moving forward with a new dedication to finish strong!
Now you have the basic coaching strategies needed to guide your clients toward winning at work. Yet, even with these insights many people are afraid to try and often give up on the belief that they could have a better life by moving from what I call their ‘day job’ over to experiencing their ‘dream job’. Why do they lack career confidence? Why are they still likely to fail? Here are the hidden motivations that most often lead to losing at work.
Fearful
Times are tough and many people are afraid about what the economy will do in the future, in fact they can become so frozen in fear they are afraid to try. It’s normal to feel afraid, yet a coaching client overwhelmed with fear can often become indecisive and ‘zone out.’ Since running away from reality feels easier than facing it for some people they chose to stick their head in the sand and completely deny what’s happening to their industry, (think about how Blockbuster Video failed to make strategic changes with their customers and eventually filed for bankruptcy protection, while competitor organizations like NetFlix and Red Box were thriving).
Some people do this in a passive way and just slowly sink, while others try to avoid reality by using substances or media to escape. Avoiding major change by hiding in fear will lead to a major crisis. Being aware of these dangers and opening up the conversation will help you to ask tough questions to protect your coaching clients when they are heading toward a dangerous situation.
Frustrated
Clients in this could include marriage partners or coworkers connected to people who are losing at work, but it’s really about your coaching clients who are trying, but it’s just not coming together for them. They want to finish strong and have a meaningful career, but they lack the horsepower to really pull out in front of the crowd. These coaching clients are at great risk, because they will face a choice. Finish with mediocre results and risk getting laid off or downsized to try again at the next job; or just check out to avoid feeling the pain of not performing to their potential and quit. I’ve especially seen this with highly creative or bright coaching clients who procrastinated until the last minute and then couldn’t finish projects assigned to them. Their frustration often comes out as anger directed toward the closest person to them. It’s not fair, but it happens because they let the frustration take over, which blocks their ability to win at work.
Failing
Sadly this type of coaching client is the easiest to spot because they checked out a long time ago. When someone has reached this level they are so unmotivated they give up on even trying at the most basic of tasks so their resume just reflects a ‘free fall’ down to zero. They totally and completely fail, which crushes their confidence and for many it kills the desire to try again; which leads many coaching clients to give up completely and just drop out on the idea that a meaningful career was ever even a possibility for them. They are too depleted to even believe that God’s promise spoken through the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’ (Jeremiah 33:3) is still available to them.
I challenge you as a Christian to step up with words of encouragement to guide people from fear to greater faith by identifying their core motives, and then translating that into the powerful motivation needed to win at work.
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is the Executive Director of the International Christian Coaching Association, (ICCA), Certified Life Coach and Nationally Certified Counselor in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Stay connected with him at www.linkedin.com/in/dwightbain
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Speak Less - Say More
Words can hurt; words can heal.
But what many leaders forget is that the higher they climb on the "Food Chain," of responsibility, the greater damage they can do with a few careless words.
People 'hear' you differently when they know you are in a leadership position, (and everybody is a leader to somebody). Instead of 'shooting from the hip' by talking without thinking- try something new.
Consider what you would say if you knew a television camera was pointed your way. The world is shrinking because of social networks, so please take a few minutes to think about how you are coming across; that way we don't have to see you sticking your foot in your mouth as the next viral video on YouTube.
Speak less... Say more
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Awake?
Are you awake to your life?
It's been my experience that people are on one of 5 levels...
1. Asleep - totally unaware of their life
2. Awake- inital awareness of reality
3. Aware- tough level off having to face and deal with issues, but at least it's real!
4. Automatic- Changed behavior has become a new pattern... it's almost easy at this point
5. Alive! - Fully engaged into a life that matters!
Which level are you on?
More importantly, what are you doing to move toward a life that is fully engaged and fully alive!
It's been my experience that people are on one of 5 levels...
1. Asleep - totally unaware of their life
2. Awake- inital awareness of reality
3. Aware- tough level off having to face and deal with issues, but at least it's real!
4. Automatic- Changed behavior has become a new pattern... it's almost easy at this point
5. Alive! - Fully engaged into a life that matters!
Which level are you on?
More importantly, what are you doing to move toward a life that is fully engaged and fully alive!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)