Caregiver Stress- the dangers of being a good Samaritan

Caregiver Stress-
the Dangers of being a Good Samaritan

by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

“Don’t take life so seriously, you’ll never get out of it alive,” was the simple advice I saw on a greeting card once and it makes sense, especially when thinking about the incredible pressures placed on those in the important role of caregiver for a loved one. You’ve got to lighten up the load to prevent major burnout. Many times it’s easy to overlook just how tired, frustrated or angry someone feels when they are buried in the dozens of day to day tasks required of a primary caregiver. This special report is designed to help you spot the warning signs when you’ve done too much for too long and don’t have enough energy left in the tank to help anyone, including yourself.

There was a popular song many years ago that had the lyric, “he ain’t heavy- he’s my brother” which isn’t exactly accurate. If you are piggy-back riding your brother, sister, child or any other family member, their actual weight is still the same, but because you love and care for them you have extra energy to serve them. Love will allow you to carry someone you care about for a while- but after a while they do get heavy again and you will feel the pressure to want to take a break. That’s normal and not a sign of lack of love, rather just a sign of being human. So what does it mean to be a ‘Care-Giver” anyway?

To be a Caregiver is to provide financial, relational, physical, spiritual or emotional support to someone who is unable to live independently like:
— newborns or small children
— those recovering from an injury or illness
— aging loved ones
— anyone facing a terminal illness
— those who are disabled in some way (physically, mentally, emotionally)

This just about covers parents and people from all walks of life and all ages, so it probably impacts you or someone you care about. Let’s un-package this important issue to understand the dangers of being a ‘good Samaritan’ and find out how to avoid the often overwhelming stress that can come from being a compassionate parent, adult child or primary caregiver.


Let’s start by defining the difference between CARE-TAKERS and CARE GIVERS.

A care taker provides a level of compassionate service for someone in need, often for a fee or salary of some kind. They may feel a special calling to help out, (like nurses, teachers, doctors, counselors or pastors), yet at the end of the day, it’s their job and they are compensated in some way for their services. Caretakers can do their important work in many ways, for instance they can work with children, with patients, wounded people, or by managing property or running a museum. It’s important work, often tiring, but not usually overwhelming enough to create compassion fatigue or massive distress because there are clear boundaries, defined duties and reasonable expectations, as well as defined hours of service.

Being a care-taker is much less complicated than being a care-giver. Caregivers do the same work, but often with greater intensity, since they often aren’t compensated in some way and just work out of the goodness of their hearts to show compassion to the person in need. They often give and give expecting nothing in return, yet that is often why they run out of energy and burnout. They don’t have defined hours, schedules or budgets. It can get very stressful, very fast because you can’t do everything for everyone all the time without it leading to caregiver stress. Consider the following warning signs from my friend June Hunt to see if you are experiencing this type of roadblock to healthy relationships.

-The Caregiver Stress Checklist from author Dr. June Hunt In asking yourself these questions, honestly assess your feelings to determine if it could be time to seek professional help to overcome caregiver stress.

· Am I easily agitated with those I love? · Am I becoming more critical of others? · Am I having difficulty laughing or having fun? · Am I turning down most invitations to be with others? · Am I feeling depressed about my situation? · Am I feeling hurt when my efforts go unnoticed? · Am I resentful when other family members are not helping? · Am I feeling trapped by all the responsibilities? · Am I being manipulated? · Am I missing sleep and regular exercise? · Am I too busy for quiet time with God? · Am I feeling guilty when I take time for myself?

- Warning Signs of Caregiver Stress:
___Physically- exhausted and worn out
___Emotionally- resentful, stressed, bitter
___Relationally-feeling used or unappreciated
___Financially- overwhelmed or depleted

It’s right to care for people in need. It’s healthy to show compassion, those are good things and make us feel better for having made a difference in the lives of others. You can show care in a lot of ways and should. Consider the Meanings of the Verb “Care?” ·To have a personal interest in, or be watchful over, to be affectionate toward, to look out for, to be concerned about, to provide for, to give serious attention to and to keep safe. Caring is important- but there are some hidden dangers if you care too much.

Hidden facts about the Good Samaritan

There is no better example of being a compassionate caregiver than the timeless story taught by the Master teacher Jesus Christ about the Good Samaritan. You may remember the story- a man is mugged by thieves and left for dead on the side of the road. Then a pastor and a lawyer pass by on the other side to avoid getting involved, finally a man from another cultural background stops, applies first aid, transports the victim to a respite center and pays for his care. Jesus showed that the person who really showed love for his neighbor wasn’t the most religious or best educated, or even from the same culture; rather the one who showed the greatest compassion was the only one who fulfilled the great commandment to 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

This is a life changing spiritual teaching for anyone, yet don’t miss some basic factors to protect the good Samaritan from compassion fatigue. Yes, he jumped in to help a stranger, yes he showed great love for another human being, but he didn’t do it alone! The good Samaritan started a healing process in the life of a wounded man and allowed others, like the inn-keeper to be part of the team to make a positive difference in helping a man rebuild and recover. When you are part of a team helping someone going through a crisis, you are less likely to burnout and that’s a good thing for everyone so you can have a lot more energy to help others for years to come.

Self Care comes first

NASCAR Chaplain Max Helton worked next to me at Ground Zero after the terrorist attacks in New York on 9-11-01. He taught me a wonderful process in dealing with overwhelming situations. First, focus on ‘self-care’ then ‘buddy care’ and finally ‘other care’. This way you can protect your own energy, help others facing the same caregiving challenges and then together be much stronger and more focused to better serve others. It can be done, but it can’t be done alone. God designed us to work together in partnership with others. Moms and dads, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, fellow church members, neighbors, co-workers, community members, basically anyone could be in a situation to be a caregiver, but remember the principle to not go it alone. Let others help you.

If you are facing a major caregiving role alone, let me challenge you to reach out for some help. It could come from friends, family, pastors, churches, a MOPS group or other supportive group, but whatever you do, don’t try to do it all yourself. Caring is good, exhaustion isn’t. If you are aware that you are feeling pressure to do it all, take the checklists and insights from this article to review with someone close to you for an objective point of view just to keep you from the stress of caring too much that you get lost in the process. Or perhaps you have a friend, co-worker or family member that appears to be struggling with compassion fatigue that you could invite for a cup of coffee to review the key points and then open up a discussion on how you might be an encouragement to help them better manage the stress of caring for someone in need.

You don’t have to do it all alone, but you do have to openly bring up the subject to let the people who care about you know that the pressure is building and that you need some help. Here are some strategies to guide you with a sense of balance as you willingly share your heart of compassion without getting crushed from too much care.

► How to prevent being so full of “care” that you can’t care for yourself

1) Be aware of the common stress signals that come with being a caregiver
___ irritability or moodiness
___ feelings of resentment
___ loss of sleep or feeling frequently exhausted
___ increased susceptibility to colds and flu
___ feeling guilty about taking time for yourself

2) Be aware of the pressure of caregiving and that it builds over time

3) Be aware that as caregiving goes up, additional coping skills should go up too

4) Be aware of your own needs and don’t be afraid to ask for help

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage -- pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically -- to say 'no' to other things. And the way you do that is by having a bigger 'yes' burning inside. The enemy of the 'best' is often the 'good.' - Stephen Covey, PhD

5) Be aware of the resources around you, and be willing to take a respite

-Ways to add compassionate care: Send cards and handwritten notes - Make visits to the hospital or nursing home - Send flowers or small gifts - Provide food and occasionally an entire meal - Volunteer to be a driver (transportation)- Entertain children or other family members - Shop for needed items - Set aside time for regular reading aloud - Take walks and do other outdoor activities - Offer to do laundry and housecleaning - Be a willing and attentive listener - Extend emotional and physical affection - Provide financial assistance – Pray for someone in a crisis and ask others to join you in providing spiritual support for those in great need.

6) Be aware that sometimes you need to just sit in the floor and laugh or cry

"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life which
are the real ones after all." -Laura Ingalls Wilder

7) Be aware that care-giving is hard work and often times you may want to quit, yet it is still one of the most loving acts of Servant Leadership

"For the heartsick, bleeding soul out there today who is desperate for a word of encouragement, let me assure you that you can trust this Lord of heaven and earth.
There is security and rest in the wisdom of the eternal Scriptures. I believe the Lord can be trusted, even when He cannot be tracked. Of this you can be certain: Jehovah, King of kings and Lord of lords, is not pacing the corridors of heaven in confusion over the problems in your life! He hung the worlds in space. He can handle the burdens that have weighed you down, and He cares about you deeply. He says to you, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Psm 46:10
- James Dobson, PhD

Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it electronically or in print with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint and thanks for helping us to help others.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the Author:
Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. Trainer for over 1,500 business groups on the topic of making strategic change to overcome major stress- both personally & professionally; Dwight is a member of the National Speakers Association who partners with the media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.

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Body Image Blues- understanding the psychological factors that fuel personal insecurities

Body Image Blues
Understanding the psychological factors that fuel personal insecurities

By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach

Have you ever wondered why some people never seem happy with themselves, or are constantly comparing themselves to others to see if they measure up? I sure have and to be honest, I've been in situations where I did it too! Depending on the situation, we all can feel a little insecure at times, so here's a strategy to help you study what is going on around you to figure out where you fit, and more importantly how to be at peace with who you already are, instead of spending too much time, energy or money pretending to be someone that you're not.

Once people step back to see just how much personal insecurity actually steals away internal peace and confidence, they see that it's not usually as bad as they make it out to be. In fact, it can often be pretty funny because once we really get focused in on some element of our body image we often can twist it into a life or death drama as we try to do whatever it takes to fit in. Consider the silly scene in the film, "My Best Friend's Wedding" where Jules, (Julia Roberts) Michael's best friend, leans over and says to Kimmy, (Cameron Diaz), Michael's fiancé, "What Michael needs is Jello. What he wants is Jello... and you can never be Jello!" If you've seen the film you know that the very wealthy and beautiful Kimmy bursts into tears in an emotional attempt to prove that she could try to be as common as Jello, only to have Jules tell her that she actually is Crème brûlée and that she could NEVER be Jello!

Yes, I know it's a silly example from a romantic comedy, but you get the point. When you become completely self-absorbed with all the things that you believe are wrong with you, then you lose complete perspective about all of the things that are right about you. Unless you have a friend, mentor, pastor, counselor, coach, or family member who can hold you accountable to bring you back down to reality again, things in your life can get just about as dramatic and out of control as a 'chick flick'. That's why we have to be in connected relationships with healthy people who will help us reinforce healthy boundaries to keep the things that matter most in life in clear focus. What you or other people think about your body image isn't the most important thing in your life, and if it ever does become the most important thing, it can lead to some pretty serious issues like eating disorders, becoming obsessed with reconstructive surgery or steroid abuse.

Simple way to study Social Connection

If you don't believe that people worry a lot, and I mean A LOT, about their body image and spend a lot of time desperately trying to fit into their social group; then here's a coaching exercise to help you research the underlying psychological dynamics that can be done in any mall, school, church or workplace in America. Be very discreet as you pay attention to what factors seem to be the most are important to the people around you, and what is commonly accepted as being 'cool' by the majority of those in that particular environment.

At a mall on a Friday night, it may be who has on the most stylish outfit, but at a business meeting on a Monday morning, it may be who has on a blue power suit with freshly shined shoes. The main factors to study are the ones that impact you the most, especially the ones that might have stirred up feelings of being shy, embarrassed, ashamed, angry, anxiety and especially insecure. Those emotions are usually the ones that need some type of follow up attention to help you break out of the insecure mask of culture to being the real person God designed you to be through the power of His son Jesus Christ. He made you; He designed you and wants you to be real- no masks!

Social connection factors can come from many different places, so here's a list to get you started in noticing what drives other people to do, say, spend or whatever else it takes to fit in to their social group. I would prayerfully encourage you to do this exercise with the strong hope to notice issues that reveal weaknesses in you, and never to be critical or judgmental of others. This is because when you can see the insecurities happening around you, it often will really open your eyes and help you walk in the freedom of just being who God designed you to be, no more, no less. That way you can leave the body image blues, to get back to what really matters most, enjoying the life that God has given you with peace and contentment because you are you, instead of panic and insecurity because you falsely believe that you will never be tall enough, or pretty enough or rich enough or anything enough to feel peace inside. So, as you take this coaching exercise study what needs attention in your own life, and then you can sit down with a trusted friend in a safe place to just change it and get on with a good life.

Social Connection Factors to Consider:

Who are the powerful or cool people? (notice who is being noticed and then try to figure out why)

What gives them their power? (gender, age, financial status, cultural background, education, looks, etc)

Who are the popular people? (parents, little kids, girls, guys, young, old, short, tall, skinny, fat, etc)

Why are they popular? (looks, money, clothes, personality, IQ, athletic ability, friendly, religious, tech-toys, etc)

Who seems to be a 'poser' of acting cool, or faking it to fit in? (How do they do that, clothes, music, hair, etc?)

Does it seem to work for them and if so in what ways? (Power, popularity, confidence, seduction, etc?)

Who seems to be a 'player' of manipulating others for power or pleasure? (men, women, kids, teen girls or guys)

How do the posers or players seem to get away with this type of manipulation without being caught?

What general differences do you notice between those who are popular and those who aren't?

What benefits are there to being popular as well as what difficulties does that seem to bring? (if any)

What commonalities do you notice between the 'cool' crowd? (hair style, zip code- remember 90210?, shared interest in same sports, living in the same community, name brand of clothing, type of automobile, etc)

Do the common factors seem to be an indicator in how well connected they are in all relationships?
Which adults seem well connected and how do they leverage that connection to benefit themselves or their ___? (business, religious or political agendas, young kids, big families, etc)

Who seems to really be friendly and looking for people to connect with regardless of the external factors above?

Identify the 'cliques' in girls/guys, young/old, rich/poor and what key indicators are needed to 'join' that clique?

In terms of numbers, which group has the most, as well as least social connections of friends or relationships?

Which group or cliques seem to be the happiest, friendliest, coolest, meanest, accepting, judgmental, etc?

Finally, what do any of the above issues have to do with the Master teacher Jesus Christ, who continually hung out with the type of people that confused or angered the 'fake it-till you make it' crowd. He accepted people for who they were on the inside, and didn't seem to focus much at all on what they looked like on the outside. In fact there is a biblical principle that teaches- people almost always look on the outside to make a judgment about you, but don't worry, God always looks at your heart.

God sees the real you, and as you get better at paying attention to the real matters of the soul, you won't worry so much about other people's stuff, what I refer to as 'skin', or the style of clothes that covers their skin nearly as much as you begin to experience God's peace deep inside of your soul. Did you catch the switch? As you mature in this area, you stop worrying so much about what other people say, think, or do, to just become real inside. Your perspective stops being about others opinions, to change and focus on how your life is in alignment with God's design for you. Your goal is to keep you on track, and growing, instead of running ragged to please other people. Remember- a spiritual connection beats a social connection every time because you can't mess it up or lose it if you spill soup in your lap! God's love for you is forever, even if you are a klutz sometimes and spill stuff, (like me)!

To reconnect into healthy relationships and become a stronger person of faith, you need to build these five elements that can shatter an unhealthy obsession with body image. These are areas anyone can focus on to gain spiritual insight and personal peace while breaking an unhealthy pattern of panic and insecurity.

1) Acceptance- From the people closest to you, no matter what may have happened in the past. Consequences for wrong choice can take a while to sort through, but the choice to love unconditionally is one of the most powerful spiritual and social connection points.

2) Approval- In spite of any insecurities, imperfections, fears and failures you might struggle with, it's important to have a few safe places where everybody knows your name, and likes you just the same.

3) Affection- Gentle, tender, kindness and safe hugs from the safe people in your life. Healthy touch is a healing part of healthy relationships. (Non-sexual touch is what we are talking about on this point, basically the kind of hugs that you could give to anyone and not feel uncomfortable).

4) Authority- Giving up control of what you don't like about your life to God, so that He can lead you toward His purpose in His timing, as well as knowing that God is there for you as the ultimate source of guidance, love and support.

5) Accountable- Making wise decisions because you know that your actions or attitudes will be held accountable by other healthy individuals, pastors, mentors, counselors or coaches who are committed to see you reach your potential while developing strength and character.

Remember, whatever steps you take to build a better awareness and understanding of how God sees you, the more likely you will be to break out of the body image blues, and to break into dancing because you will be so busy counting blessings, that you won't have time to count problems. As you begin to change your view from looking at your skin, to digging into the deeper matters of the soul, your life will take on more meaning because you will have matured past defining your self worth from wearing the latest styles to finding your true identity in God's design and purpose for your journey. This will help you to make mature and responsible choices which will take you to better places than you ever thought possible as you move past trying to act 'cool' in a culture that doesn't care about you, to experiencing the freedom of just being real and drawing closer to the one who would rather die than to live without you- Jesus Christ.

Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it electronically or in print with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint and thanks for helping us to help others.

"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group, www.LifeWorksGroup.org eNews (Copyright, 2004-2008, by the LifeWorks Group in Florida. 407-647-7005)"

About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture. Access more counseling and coaching resources designed to save you time by solving stressful situations by visiting his counseling blog with over 150 complimentary articles and special reports at www.LifeWorksGroup.org