Introverts, Extroverts and the 4 Personalities
By Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor and Certified Life Coach
“Why did you do that?” asked Molly, a busy mother of three kids to her youngest and loudest child. “I don’t know” was the only reply, leaving Molly feeling really frustrated and helpless about what to do to figure out how to effectively parent her little boy.
What about you, have you ever wondered why the people around you do some of the things they do? Well if you do you are not alone because parents and pastors, scientists and doctors have been studying human personality for thousands of years to figure out how to respond to some of the seemingly odd things people do.
If you want to solve conflicts at home or work then you need to take time to map out the personalities around you. Personality is important to understand because it allows you to rapidly and intelligently respond to the continual situations that pop up in marriage or family relationships. If you want more peace and fewer power struggles then get your legal pad out as we work together to map out the personalities around you.
“I was Born that Way- so deal with it”
A common reaction that people use to justify their inappropriate behavior is that they were born that way, which is partially true. People really are born a certain way, designed by God for a purpose. We know the majority of your personality is already there when you are born, and the remainder of personality development comes from early childhood or school experiences. That’s why you will sometimes notice that a son or daughter may act or look remarkably like an uncle they have never even met. DNA makes us that way, but the good news is that we don’t have to stay that way! God made us all different, which can really be irritating to some, but remember, it is for His greater purposes. The key is to figure out why the people around you do the things they do so you know how to respond to achieve a greater result, and not be frustrated in the process.
The study of personality types, (or what authors Tim LaHaye and Florence Littauer call “Temperments&rdquo isn’t new, because Hippocrates, a Greek physician was the first to track 4 specific personalities hundreds of years before the time of Christ. He noticed that there were distinct differences in people, and through the centuries many other researcher have noticed the same. Here are some common elements to keep in mind as you begin to map out the personality of the people around you.
Introverts are the most common type of personality. These individuals are not necessarily shy, but they do prefer quiet. Introverts are energized by calm and peaceful settings, being out in nature, enjoying the environment, soothing music or entertainment and the company of a few close friends or pets. They get their emotional batteries charged through these type of experiences and are drained by large crowds and loud events, which is why they like to have space and not be crowed. When an introvert is under stress they tend to hold their emotions inside until they literally erupt with tears or anger and then when the flood of emotions pass they hate that they lost control of themselves.
Extroverted personalities are not as common, but they make up for it with volume. As you begin to map out the people in your life it’s not hard to spot these folks. They fill up a room with their oversized personalities. They are energized by loud events and lengthy experiences because they seem to never get enough and don’t want the day to end. Concerts, sports, parades, big cities, New Year parties, trade shows, theme parks, seminars; it doesn’t matter, because the louder and more crowded the better! Remember, they pull energy from the environment around them, (which exhausts the introverts who probably were coaxed into going with them). Their emotional batteries are charged up by these loud experiences and can go on and on like the Energizer Bunny™ seemingly for days without sleep when doing something they enjoy. You usually don’t have to guess about what they are thinking, because they sometimes impulsively just ‘tell it like it is’, which can hurt feelings of sensitive personalities, while giving them relief to have dumped their emotions out for others to deal with.
The four most common personality traits that Hippocrates noticed are listed for you to begin to map out your family members, coworkers and friends. And here’s a tip. If you take time to map out your own personality it’s a lot easier to spot traits in others, as well as know how to respond. Plus, there are the corresponding letters listed from the DiSC personality assessment, which is used in a lot of business and educational settings for your comparison in mapping out why the people around you do the things they do.
The 2 Extroverted Personality Types
The Choleric, (or high D on the DiSC) is a task oriented individual who prefers to be out front leading. This high energy individual is driven, ambitious, and usually goal oriented toward the things that are important to them. This personality group like to lead and motivate others to accomplish their goals and can sometimes overpower others or step on their feelings. Leaders in politics, the military and business are often from this group, which is the smallest percentage of the 4 types, but by far the most aggressive. On a negative note, Choleric personalities can become easily angry or moody when things don’t go their way and aren’t afraid to create a conflict to get people moving toward the goals. In the Bible the Apostle Paul is most like the powerful Choleric personality.
The Sanguine, (or high I on the DiSC), is a people oriented person who loves to have a good time, sometimes at the expense of others. They fill up a room as the loudest of the two extroverted personalities and are often great verbal communicators, which is why they love to be on stage entertaining others. Sanguine personalities love to meet new people, but often forget their names the moment they meet them! Leaders in entertainment, comedy, media, drama, ministry, public speaking and music are often from this group. Rarely on time, the Sanguine personality can be impulsive, unmotivated and can come across as egotistical and self-absorbed but usually don’t really mean to hurt the feelings of others. They are just so busy in their world that they forget there are 7 billion other people on the planet too. In the Bible the Apostle Peter is most like the popular Sanguine personality.
The 2 Introverted Personality Types
The Phlegmatic, (or high S on the DiSC), is a people oriented person who likes to work at their own pace and not be pressured. They absolutely hate conflict and will do just about anything to get along with others. This is by far the largest personality group, since over half of people you meet are likely to be oriented as a Phlegmatic. They may have great ideas, but are sometimes too shy or embarrassed to step out and voice them, much to the frustration of the people who can see past their lack of confidence to spot their real potential. This group likes to have a few close family or friends and like to spend all of their time with the people they already know, so they don’t venture out very far to make new acquaintances. This is why the loss of a friend from a move or breakup can be so devastating to a Phlegmatic because they aren’t usually comfortable going out to meet strangers. They are stable and likeable people who can have great success in management, administration, nursing or education. The most loyal of the 4 personalities, they are also the most sensitive. They are gentle and compassionate individuals with big hearts which allow them to quickly spot the needs of others, but can easily get their own feelings hurt because of this overly sensitive side. They don’t like change and love to keep life predictable; which is why they work so hard to keep things stable in their family, school or work situation. The Biblical patriarch Abraham who was called “the friend of God” is a great example of a peaceful Phlegmatic personality.
The Melancholic, (or high C on the DiSC), is a task oriented personality who can be organized and overly conscious of details which is why they are considered by many to be perfectionistic; but only at the things which are important to them. They are often the most creative of the 4 personality types, both in the arts or in solving complex problems. This personality type is likely to be so quiet that they don’t reach out to make a lot of friends, but can be gentle and compassionate when you take time to get to know them. They think far more than talk, so when they voice their opinion they usually have a lot to say. That’s why you need to listen carefully to Melancholic’s since they may go back into what some people call their introverted ‘cave’ because they often would prefer to spend time with their own thoughts than spending time with others. They can be moody from suppressing so many emotions, which can come across as depressive, sullen, temperamental or critical. There are many careers where this personality can excel, because many authors, musicians, accountants, scientists and researchers have this trait. Perfect Melancholic’s are always driven to do things right so it is no wonder that the best example from the Bible is the great leader Moses who penned the ten commandments.
More to mapping out Personality
Remember, personality is a basic element inside each person, but there are also many factors to consider when mapping out the best approach to respond and achieve better results at home or at work. Birth-order, age, gender, family background, life experiences and education can heavily influence our behavior. If you want to explore this in greater detail, there are many books to guide your steps and here are a few to get you started:
Personality Plus- by Florence Littauer
Discovering your child design- by Ralph Mattson & Thom Black
Raising Children on Purpose- by Wesley H. Fleming
The Two Sides of Love- by Gary Smalley and John Trent
Plus, one of my daughter’s favorite children’s books called “The Treasure Tree” illustrates discovering personality for kids. It was written by my friends Gary Smalley & John Trent to help kids understand their unique design and includes a simple personality profile that corresponds to the characters in the book. Here’s a copy to use as you discover your own personality, or the person you are mapping to better understand.
Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent's Rapid Personality Inventory
To balance our love with others, we’ve got to understand what particular personality strengths can push us toward either extreme. We’ve provided a short test that can help you recognize and value another person’s strengths as well as your own.
In the personal strength survey, circle a few simple words describing yourself. Then, with that information, we’ll show you specifically what your unique strengths are and why they make you such a valuable person in all your relationships.
To complete the instrument, just read through the four categories below (L, B, O, and G), and circle each word or phrase that seems to describe a consistent character trait of yours. Next, add up the number of words and phrases you circled in each category. Then double your score to come up with a total in each section.
L (Choleric)
Likes Authority, Confident, Firm, Enjoys Challenges, Problem Solver, Bold, Goal Driven, Strong-Willed, Self-Reliant, Persistent, Takes Charge, Determined, Enterprising, Competitive, Productive, Purposeful, Adventurous, Independent, Controlling, Action-Oriented
"Let's do it now!" Double the number Circled _____
O (Sanguine)
Enthusiastic, Visionary, Energetic, Promoter, Mixes Easily, Fun-Loving, Spontaneous, Creative, New Ideas, Optimistic, Infectious Laughter, Takes Risks, Motivator, Very Verbal, Friendly, Enjoys Popularity, Likes Variety, Enjoys Change, Group Oriented, Initiator, Inspirational
"Trust me! It'll work out!" Double the number Circled _____
G (Phlegmatic)
Sensitive Feelings, Calm, Non-Demanding, Avoids Confrontations, Enjoys Routine, Warm and elational, Adaptable, Thoughtful, Patient, Good Listener, Loyal, Even-Keeled, Gives In, Indecisive, Dislikes Change, Dry Humor, Sympathetic, Nurturing, Tolerant, Peace-Maker
"Let's keep things the way they are." Double the number Circled _____
B (Melancholic)
Enjoys Instruction, Consistent, Reserved, Practical, Factual, Perfectionist, Detailed, Inquisitive, Persistent, Sensitive, Accurate, Controlled, Predictable, Orderly, Conscientious, Discerning, Analytical, Precise, Scheduled, Deliberate
"How was it done in the past?" Double the number Circled _____
You’ve taken the test, but what does it all mean? The four letters at the top of each section stand for the four basic personality types, which we’ve chosen to picture by using animals: Lions, Beavers, Otters, and Golden Retrievers.
Scoring high on the L line are those we call LIONS. Lions are take charge leaders. They’re usually the bosses at work, or at least think they are! They’re decisive, bottom line folks who are doers, not watchers or listeners. They love to solve problems. Unfortunately, however, if the lions don’t learn to use both sides of love, their natural hard-side bent can cause problems with others.
Scoring high on the B line are those we call BEAVERS. Beavers have a strong need to do things right and by the book. In fact, they’re the kind who actually read the instruction manuals. They like maps, charts, and organization. And they’re great at providing quality control for a home or office. Because rules, consistency and high standards are so important to beavers, they often communicate the hard side of love to others just like the lion. Beavers have deep feelings for those they love. But learning to balance the two sides of love usually involves adding the ability to communicate that softness and warmth in a way that’s felt and clearly understood by others.
Scoring high on the O line are those we call OTTERS. Otters are excitable, fun-seeking, cheerleader types who love to yak, yak, yak. They’re great at motivating others and need to be in an environment where they get to talk and have a vote on major decisions. Otter’s outgoing nature makes them great networkers – they usually know people who know people who know people. The only problem is they usually don’t know everyone’s name. They can be very soft and encouraging with others (unless under pressure, when they tend to use their verbal skills to attack). But because of their strong desire to be liked, they can often fail to be hard on problems and cause further ones.
Scoring high on the G line are the GOLDEN RETRIEVERS. These people are just like their counter-parts in nature. If you could pick one word to describe them it would be loyalty. They’re so loyal, in fact, that they can absorb the most emotional pain and punishment in relationships and still stay committed. Golden retrievers are great listeners, empathizers and warm encouragers – all strong, soft side skills. But they tend to be such pleasers that they can have great difficulty in adding the hard side of love when it’s needed
Encouragement about Personality Mapping
God made each person for a special purpose, and when you discover your basic personality, you also can wisely map out so many major decisions in life, including the type of relationships, schools, churches or companies where you can most easily succeed. Personality helps determine the kind of hobbies, vacations and entertainment that you will most easily connect to. In short, life is easier when you know your personality and conflict is greatly reduced. If you want to know more, visit the websites of authors like John Trent, Gary Smalley or Florence Littauer or contact a counselor who specializes in personality testing to discover the dynamics that drive you and the people around you to do the things you do.
Reprint Permission- If this article helped you, you are invited to share it with your own list at work or church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following paragraph in your reprint."Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource visit www.LifeWorksGroup.org or call 407-647-7005"
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Managing the change to let children grow up & leave home
Parenting Launch Sequence - - -
Managing the change of letting go of children so they can launch into a successful life as young adults
By Dwight Bain, NCC, CLC, CFLM
Parents are told to give their children "roots and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the nest, some twenty years later. I believe that the first part comes easier than the second, which may not come at all for some older adolescents these days. Let me explain a few factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early success as young adults.
Giving a child 'roots' is about shared traditions, Judeo-Christian values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior like the 10 commandments or the golden rule as well as providing a safe and loving home environment. I believe that most parents do their best to care and provide for their kids. I also believe that most parents try to build these core values into the heart of their kids which will always show up through their behavior and choices later on in life. If a child knows what they believe they are stronger and more focused to go through the teen years without getting hung up on the distractions and temptations that cause so many to stumble and fall.
Right from wrong is usually easy to spot
Frankly, I don't think most parents really struggle with knowing what they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to learn and if you ask them, they usually have a pretty clear vision of how they want their children to behave. It’s been my experience that most parents do their best to give their kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal belief system of some kind, especially in understanding right from wrong and how to respond to the world around them in a reasonable and responsible way.
If they aren't directly building these values into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values through Sunday school at church, some form of Christian values education (for instance, consider the great programs available through faith based groups like the YMCA), or exposure to positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by their peers as to why they believe it.
Most common fights are about the ‘flight plan’ between parent & child
So, how do you take a child that you have loved, cared for, taken care of and protected for their entire lifetime the right amount of space to 'fly' forward on their own wings? Let me warn you ahead of time, it's often hard to find the right level of balance on this subject and kids and parents often experience their greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out just the right level of responsibility and independence for each stage of life! Yet as hard as it may be for parents to even consider letting go of the children that they have invested so much time and energy into, it is essential for the child’s healthy development and inner strength as a person who will one day have to move out and move on as a young adult to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of knowing that mom and dad’s watchful care is always going to be near. The goal is for them to know what they believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs in spite of the pressures around them.
Dangerous truth- over-protective parents create weaker kids
Here's why this is such a problem for some loving parents. If you never let a child test their wings by moving a little further away from mom or dad's care, then sometimes they end up developing the symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid of moving forward in life. Not all kids will develop psychological or emotional fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors that slows down their personal development and inner strength to move forward toward the next stage of life. Yes, we love our kids, but remember, part of that love is to equip them and prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a space shuttle launch sequence at Kennedy Space Center.
Think about all of the years of planning and thousands of challenges that have to be overcome to create a successful launch into space. Literally everything that takes place for the years leading up to a rocket or orbiter launch date is done to safely and strategically accomplish the goal of getting that rocket into space and to another place. That’s the driving force of those NASA engineers- to get that bird off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit toward the stars.
I love the line from the movie, “Astronaut Farmer” (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where the father-in-law tells his wanna-be astronaut son-in-law, “I really respect you son. Most dad’s can’t get their families to share a meal at the table together and you- you’ve got your whole family dreaming together!” The film shows the power of never giving up on a life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly the courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make that dream a reality.
Space flight can be a lot like parenting, we spend years getting them ready to have a successful launch because one day we know that we will have to do a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to another stage of life. This is the way that God designed it- kids are supposed to move out and move on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process, it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.
Blast off- or blow up?
When kids are well equipped to launch into early success during their young adult years they soar and it’s a joy to watch. If you have ever seen a launch from Kennedy Space Center in Florida you know what I mean- words can hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even gravity can stop that rocket from what it was designed to do- blast off toward the stars! However, when what I’ve been referring to as the parenting ‘launch sequence’ is interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents they often blow up, because the kids crash in some way. Sadly, these days it seems there are more crashes than successful launches. (And you are probably thinking about someone you know stuck in this painful process right now).
So what to do? Here are some parenting tips to coach you through the process of parenting strategies through every stage of childhood to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful lives as adults. That’s a parent’s job, to give them the roots of belief and then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.
When this process happens, a child grows through each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by parents who weren’t afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the life that God designed for them to live.
Parenting Stages to build strong kids:
Here are some of the key developmental stages and strategies to guide you toward a successful launch with your child.
Birth to puberty, (ages 0-12)-
Kids need a 'caretaker' who can teach and help with daily tasks and skills while the child gradually is learning these skills from their parent, especially in the important areas of self-discipline and responsibility. Psychologist John Trent calls this process ‘soft love mixed with hard love’, (See “The Two Sides of Love” published by Focus on the Family Publishing, 1999)
Puberty to College Years, (12-21)-
The parenting strategy to use during the teen years is a combination of part counselor and part coach to help guide through the emotional issues of building relationships and dealing with hurt feelings; while balancing the tasks of learning to deal with difficulties in life and making wise educational or career choices.
College years to Adulthood, (21-30)
I believe that we always need our parents- it’s just that the need changes as we grow older. Little kids need a parent to help with personal hygiene, teens need their parents to help them develop healthy habits and by this stage young adults need honest advice and direction. These years are a great time for the parent/adult-child relationship to prosper since the young adult is out on their own dealing with life, yet still needs a 'consultant' to bounce ideas off of as their build a life independent of their parents to firmly establish a life of their own.
I want you to know that millions of other parents have successfully launched their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too. There is a sign in the launch control room of the Kennedy Space Center that says it well, “It takes a team- to launch a dream.”
Know that you are not alone in this process. There are hundreds of resources available at our website as well as links to dozens of other groups that are driven by the desire to help you experience the great joy of watching a dream take flight, as well as provide the tools and training to help you if you’ve already crashed to get past the nightmare and not be afraid to dream again about what your son or daughter could be when they launch into a life of their own.
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Managing the change of letting go of children so they can launch into a successful life as young adults
By Dwight Bain, NCC, CLC, CFLM
Parents are told to give their children "roots and wings" from the time they are born until it is time to leave the nest, some twenty years later. I believe that the first part comes easier than the second, which may not come at all for some older adolescents these days. Let me explain a few factors to help you understand why some kids never seem to launch into early success as young adults.
Giving a child 'roots' is about shared traditions, Judeo-Christian values, personal accountability to a moral standard of behavior like the 10 commandments or the golden rule as well as providing a safe and loving home environment. I believe that most parents do their best to care and provide for their kids. I also believe that most parents try to build these core values into the heart of their kids which will always show up through their behavior and choices later on in life. If a child knows what they believe they are stronger and more focused to go through the teen years without getting hung up on the distractions and temptations that cause so many to stumble and fall.
Right from wrong is usually easy to spot
Frankly, I don't think most parents really struggle with knowing what they should be doing, because they know what they want their children to learn and if you ask them, they usually have a pretty clear vision of how they want their children to behave. It’s been my experience that most parents do their best to give their kids the strength of being deeply rooted into a personal belief system of some kind, especially in understanding right from wrong and how to respond to the world around them in a reasonable and responsible way.
If they aren't directly building these values into the lives of their kids, they are likely supplementing those values through Sunday school at church, some form of Christian values education (for instance, consider the great programs available through faith based groups like the YMCA), or exposure to positive messages through the entertainment and media they let their kids experience. Giving kids traditional family values will root them into knowing what they believe, but it won't always protect them when they are challenged by their peers as to why they believe it.
Most common fights are about the ‘flight plan’ between parent & child
So, how do you take a child that you have loved, cared for, taken care of and protected for their entire lifetime the right amount of space to 'fly' forward on their own wings? Let me warn you ahead of time, it's often hard to find the right level of balance on this subject and kids and parents often experience their greatest conflict during the teen years trying to figure out just the right level of responsibility and independence for each stage of life! Yet as hard as it may be for parents to even consider letting go of the children that they have invested so much time and energy into, it is essential for the child’s healthy development and inner strength as a person who will one day have to move out and move on as a young adult to tackle issues directly throughout their life without the security of knowing that mom and dad’s watchful care is always going to be near. The goal is for them to know what they believe, and when tested, to pass the test and live out those beliefs in spite of the pressures around them.
Dangerous truth- over-protective parents create weaker kids
Here's why this is such a problem for some loving parents. If you never let a child test their wings by moving a little further away from mom or dad's care, then sometimes they end up developing the symptoms of fear, extreme shyness or a social phobia and end up being afraid of moving forward in life. Not all kids will develop psychological or emotional fears because of overprotective parents, but it can be one of several factors that slows down their personal development and inner strength to move forward toward the next stage of life. Yes, we love our kids, but remember, part of that love is to equip them and prepare them to one day leave the nest to literally launch forward, just like a space shuttle launch sequence at Kennedy Space Center.
Think about all of the years of planning and thousands of challenges that have to be overcome to create a successful launch into space. Literally everything that takes place for the years leading up to a rocket or orbiter launch date is done to safely and strategically accomplish the goal of getting that rocket into space and to another place. That’s the driving force of those NASA engineers- to get that bird off the ground at Cape Canaveral and into orbit toward the stars.
I love the line from the movie, “Astronaut Farmer” (staring Billy Bob Thornton), where the father-in-law tells his wanna-be astronaut son-in-law, “I really respect you son. Most dad’s can’t get their families to share a meal at the table together and you- you’ve got your whole family dreaming together!” The film shows the power of never giving up on a life-long dream of orbiting the earth, and more importantly the courage, patience and teamwork of a whole family coming together to make that dream a reality.
Space flight can be a lot like parenting, we spend years getting them ready to have a successful launch because one day we know that we will have to do a launch sequence to countdown the days as they head out to another stage of life. This is the way that God designed it- kids are supposed to move out and move on to build lives of their own. If overprotective parents stall that process, it scrubs the launch and leaves the child stranded on the launch pad, while their peers are blasting off toward early success in life. No one wins and it often sets the child up for tremendous problems that could have been solved if the parents had taken a different and more directive approach.
Blast off- or blow up?
When kids are well equipped to launch into early success during their young adult years they soar and it’s a joy to watch. If you have ever seen a launch from Kennedy Space Center in Florida you know what I mean- words can hardly describe the power and the sheer excitement of knowing that not even gravity can stop that rocket from what it was designed to do- blast off toward the stars! However, when what I’ve been referring to as the parenting ‘launch sequence’ is interrupted by well meaning, (or sometimes fearful) parents they often blow up, because the kids crash in some way. Sadly, these days it seems there are more crashes than successful launches. (And you are probably thinking about someone you know stuck in this painful process right now).
So what to do? Here are some parenting tips to coach you through the process of parenting strategies through every stage of childhood to build strong kids now, so they can one day go out and build successful lives as adults. That’s a parent’s job, to give them the roots of belief and then equip them with the wings of healthy resources to fly.
When this process happens, a child grows through each stage of life with a better experience and then grows stronger from the momentum of moving forward in a powerful way because they were set up to win by parents who weren’t afraid to point them toward the stars and launch into the life that God designed for them to live.
Parenting Stages to build strong kids:
Here are some of the key developmental stages and strategies to guide you toward a successful launch with your child.
Birth to puberty, (ages 0-12)-
Kids need a 'caretaker' who can teach and help with daily tasks and skills while the child gradually is learning these skills from their parent, especially in the important areas of self-discipline and responsibility. Psychologist John Trent calls this process ‘soft love mixed with hard love’, (See “The Two Sides of Love” published by Focus on the Family Publishing, 1999)
Puberty to College Years, (12-21)-
The parenting strategy to use during the teen years is a combination of part counselor and part coach to help guide through the emotional issues of building relationships and dealing with hurt feelings; while balancing the tasks of learning to deal with difficulties in life and making wise educational or career choices.
College years to Adulthood, (21-30)
I believe that we always need our parents- it’s just that the need changes as we grow older. Little kids need a parent to help with personal hygiene, teens need their parents to help them develop healthy habits and by this stage young adults need honest advice and direction. These years are a great time for the parent/adult-child relationship to prosper since the young adult is out on their own dealing with life, yet still needs a 'consultant' to bounce ideas off of as their build a life independent of their parents to firmly establish a life of their own.
I want you to know that millions of other parents have successfully launched their child from birth toward adulthood and you can too. There is a sign in the launch control room of the Kennedy Space Center that says it well, “It takes a team- to launch a dream.”
Know that you are not alone in this process. There are hundreds of resources available at our website as well as links to dozens of other groups that are driven by the desire to help you experience the great joy of watching a dream take flight, as well as provide the tools and training to help you if you’ve already crashed to get past the nightmare and not be afraid to dream again about what your son or daughter could be when they launch into a life of their own.
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Is A.D.D. a creative blessing or a curse?
Strategies to change ADD into a blessing instead of curse
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Is ADD a blessing or a curse?
The answer is probably going to be different depending on who you ask. For some teachers and school systems, it may be a curse because of the difficulty motivating highly creative and over stimulated kids. However, for the parents of these high energy children, I believe ADD can be a great blessing when the parents or guardians learn what to do to guide the steps of these supercharged kids toward greater success, instead of feeling greater frustration and stress.
ADD is the common acronym for a medical condition called Attention Deficit Disorder, (ADHD is the acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, which is similar to ADD, but with considerably more difficulties in controlling physical impulses.) According to a recent study from the National Institutes of Health, and published in the September 2007 issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.
An estimated 2.4 million children between the ages of 8 and 15 in the U.S. have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but fewer than half of them have been diagnosed or are receiving appropriate treatments, researchers report. Previous estimates from the American Academy of Pediatrics suggest that ADHD afflicts as few as 4% and as many as 12% of school-aged children in the U.S. The new assessment places the figure at 8.7%.
This new figure indicates that almost 10% of school age children may be negatively impacted by undiagnosed and untreated ADD. While researchers, teachers and parents differ widely on the factors that may cause ADD, (too much caffeine, sugar and food additives in junk food, to genetics, or addiction to high energy video games, over-stimulated from aggressive forms of entertainment or even a lack of parental structure and discipline), there are three things that all researchers in this field agree on and they are the three basic symptoms of ADD, which are clear and unmistakable.
These three primary symptoms are used to track and identify ADD, so if you are reading and thinking of a specific child, or adult, here are the factors to consider. And remember, the more serious the symptom, the more seriously ADD is negatively affecting the life of the individual and their family and likely causing more pain than releasing the potential available in a child with elevated levels of creativity and energy.
The 3 major symptoms of ADD include:
1) Impulsiveness –
which involves reacting without thinking. This can commonly be seen by individuals who blurt out answers, talk when it's not appropriate, make rapid decisions without considering any consequences or find themselves doing and saying unhealthy things that show no forethought or planning, (like spending money on things that don't really matter, or watching a TV movie or playing video games when a major school project is due).
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often blurts out answers before questions have been completed;- often has difficulty awaiting turn;- often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).- associated features depend on the child's age and developmental stage, may include other symptoms like- low frustration tolerance, temper outburts, bossiness, difficulty in following rules, disorganization, social rejection, poor self-esteem, academic underachievement, and inadequate self-application (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
2) Inattention –
which is the difficulty of focusing on any one subject for any extended period of time. Another common factor in this category is that individuals with inattention or high levels of distractability may swing back and forth from lack of focus to an incredible ability to super focus on topics or activities that are of extreme importance to them, (remember that ADD is diagnosed in boys 75% more often than with girls).
Many counselors believe that this ability to super focus isn't inattention or distractability at all, rather it's a filtering problem because many people with ADD have difficulty concentrating on some topics at specific times because they are paying attention to dozens of other topics or situations in their environment happening at the same time. This might explain why incredibly creative minds like Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein were kicked out of school and labeled 'too stupid to learn' when in fact, they were more than likely bored with the lack of mental challenge in relation to their ability to think really fast
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities;- often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities;- often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly;- often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions);- often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities;- often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework);- often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools);- is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli;- is often forgetful in daily activities. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
3) Hyperactivity –
which is the inability to sit still. People with this hyper kinetic ability are often restless and frequently moving something physically. This could be as simple as taping their fingers on a desk top to pacing the room like a caged tiger.
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat;- often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected;- often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness);- often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly;- is often "on the go" or often act as if "driven by a motor;"- often talks excessively. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
Remember, ADD can only be diagnosed by a licensed professional, however a wise parent can track these symptoms to better work in partnership with their counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist to achieve better results for the child. Once you and your healthcare provider have determined that your child may have the major symptoms of ADD, then here are some behavioral factors to consider adding to the treatment plan from your child's doctor or counselor to further stabilize and calm their moods so that the child or adult with ADD can move forward with a stronger motivation to experience positive change as they use their high energy and creativity to accomplish more, instead of only creating frustration and aggravation for themselves and others.
1) Structure –
Keeping kids on a regular and predictable schedule is one of the simplest and yet most powerful ways to protect against impulsive behavior, because almost anything can be placed onto a scheduled routine at home, or at school. Creating positive and predictable habits, including adequate sleep will help your child excels in any school or sports environment.
2) Safe People-
Keeping kids around healthy adults, (like coaches, teachers and clergy), who reach out to support and encourage that child, in spite of their high energy and sometimes annoying habits. These healthy adults become a safety net to provide additional guidance, love and support to move a high energy child forward toward their potential instead of staying stuck in frustration and fear.
3) Strength –
Finding the best 'fit' of natural talent and strength in a child will allow you to then focus time, energy and other resources onto developing those strengths into self-discipline and skills that can be trusted, regardless of the circumstances and stimuli surrounding the child. If your child is dramatic, musical, athletic or shows leadership potential, then begin to guide them toward involvement with those natural abilities to bring out their creativity and energy in the right environment to achieve a greater result.
Once you know your child's talents and abilities, begin to look for natural places those gifts can be developed through scouting, Girls & Boys Clubs, your local YMCA, community theatre and drama, youth sports like Little League or church youth groups and choirs. These safe places can provide multiple ways to further develop your child's natural strengths which will draw out their gifts for good, instead of leaving the entire family trapped in the grief of a household filled with chaos instead of the growing confidence of a child growing strong because of growing on their strengths.
(Side note: in reading about the childhood lives of people like Jim Carey, Robin Williams, Steven King, Michael J. Fox and Mark Lowery- they all experienced the frustration of feeling like they didn't fit in, yet their parents guided them toward their strengths which led to career choices that kept them focused on future success... instead of staying stuck in the stressful situations at school.)
Whatever signs or symptoms you and your child are facing, know that you are not facing them alone. There are positive resources available at our website, (www.lifeworksgroup.org) as well as from the web links below. Knowledge is power so if you know you are facing and know what to do about it, you can turn the letters ADD from being a curse in your son or daughters life into ADD becoming a great blessing.
For further study on ADD, check out these sites:
www.Family.org
www.NewLife.com
http://www.add.org
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/default.htm
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/news/20070904/many-kids-with-ADHD-arent-diagnosed
http://www.add-adhd.org/ADHD_attention-deficit.html
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
by Dwight Bain, Nationally Certified Counselor & Certified Life Coach
Is ADD a blessing or a curse?
The answer is probably going to be different depending on who you ask. For some teachers and school systems, it may be a curse because of the difficulty motivating highly creative and over stimulated kids. However, for the parents of these high energy children, I believe ADD can be a great blessing when the parents or guardians learn what to do to guide the steps of these supercharged kids toward greater success, instead of feeling greater frustration and stress.
ADD is the common acronym for a medical condition called Attention Deficit Disorder, (ADHD is the acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, which is similar to ADD, but with considerably more difficulties in controlling physical impulses.) According to a recent study from the National Institutes of Health, and published in the September 2007 issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.
An estimated 2.4 million children between the ages of 8 and 15 in the U.S. have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), but fewer than half of them have been diagnosed or are receiving appropriate treatments, researchers report. Previous estimates from the American Academy of Pediatrics suggest that ADHD afflicts as few as 4% and as many as 12% of school-aged children in the U.S. The new assessment places the figure at 8.7%.
This new figure indicates that almost 10% of school age children may be negatively impacted by undiagnosed and untreated ADD. While researchers, teachers and parents differ widely on the factors that may cause ADD, (too much caffeine, sugar and food additives in junk food, to genetics, or addiction to high energy video games, over-stimulated from aggressive forms of entertainment or even a lack of parental structure and discipline), there are three things that all researchers in this field agree on and they are the three basic symptoms of ADD, which are clear and unmistakable.
These three primary symptoms are used to track and identify ADD, so if you are reading and thinking of a specific child, or adult, here are the factors to consider. And remember, the more serious the symptom, the more seriously ADD is negatively affecting the life of the individual and their family and likely causing more pain than releasing the potential available in a child with elevated levels of creativity and energy.
The 3 major symptoms of ADD include:
1) Impulsiveness –
which involves reacting without thinking. This can commonly be seen by individuals who blurt out answers, talk when it's not appropriate, make rapid decisions without considering any consequences or find themselves doing and saying unhealthy things that show no forethought or planning, (like spending money on things that don't really matter, or watching a TV movie or playing video games when a major school project is due).
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often blurts out answers before questions have been completed;- often has difficulty awaiting turn;- often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).- associated features depend on the child's age and developmental stage, may include other symptoms like- low frustration tolerance, temper outburts, bossiness, difficulty in following rules, disorganization, social rejection, poor self-esteem, academic underachievement, and inadequate self-application (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
2) Inattention –
which is the difficulty of focusing on any one subject for any extended period of time. Another common factor in this category is that individuals with inattention or high levels of distractability may swing back and forth from lack of focus to an incredible ability to super focus on topics or activities that are of extreme importance to them, (remember that ADD is diagnosed in boys 75% more often than with girls).
Many counselors believe that this ability to super focus isn't inattention or distractability at all, rather it's a filtering problem because many people with ADD have difficulty concentrating on some topics at specific times because they are paying attention to dozens of other topics or situations in their environment happening at the same time. This might explain why incredibly creative minds like Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein were kicked out of school and labeled 'too stupid to learn' when in fact, they were more than likely bored with the lack of mental challenge in relation to their ability to think really fast
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities;- often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities;- often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly;- often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions);- often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities;- often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework);- often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools);- is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli;- is often forgetful in daily activities. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
3) Hyperactivity –
which is the inability to sit still. People with this hyper kinetic ability are often restless and frequently moving something physically. This could be as simple as taping their fingers on a desk top to pacing the room like a caged tiger.
Symptoms of inattention, according to the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manuel include:- often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat;- often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected;- often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness);- often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly;- is often "on the go" or often act as if "driven by a motor;"- often talks excessively. (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).
Remember, ADD can only be diagnosed by a licensed professional, however a wise parent can track these symptoms to better work in partnership with their counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist to achieve better results for the child. Once you and your healthcare provider have determined that your child may have the major symptoms of ADD, then here are some behavioral factors to consider adding to the treatment plan from your child's doctor or counselor to further stabilize and calm their moods so that the child or adult with ADD can move forward with a stronger motivation to experience positive change as they use their high energy and creativity to accomplish more, instead of only creating frustration and aggravation for themselves and others.
1) Structure –
Keeping kids on a regular and predictable schedule is one of the simplest and yet most powerful ways to protect against impulsive behavior, because almost anything can be placed onto a scheduled routine at home, or at school. Creating positive and predictable habits, including adequate sleep will help your child excels in any school or sports environment.
2) Safe People-
Keeping kids around healthy adults, (like coaches, teachers and clergy), who reach out to support and encourage that child, in spite of their high energy and sometimes annoying habits. These healthy adults become a safety net to provide additional guidance, love and support to move a high energy child forward toward their potential instead of staying stuck in frustration and fear.
3) Strength –
Finding the best 'fit' of natural talent and strength in a child will allow you to then focus time, energy and other resources onto developing those strengths into self-discipline and skills that can be trusted, regardless of the circumstances and stimuli surrounding the child. If your child is dramatic, musical, athletic or shows leadership potential, then begin to guide them toward involvement with those natural abilities to bring out their creativity and energy in the right environment to achieve a greater result.
Once you know your child's talents and abilities, begin to look for natural places those gifts can be developed through scouting, Girls & Boys Clubs, your local YMCA, community theatre and drama, youth sports like Little League or church youth groups and choirs. These safe places can provide multiple ways to further develop your child's natural strengths which will draw out their gifts for good, instead of leaving the entire family trapped in the grief of a household filled with chaos instead of the growing confidence of a child growing strong because of growing on their strengths.
(Side note: in reading about the childhood lives of people like Jim Carey, Robin Williams, Steven King, Michael J. Fox and Mark Lowery- they all experienced the frustration of feeling like they didn't fit in, yet their parents guided them toward their strengths which led to career choices that kept them focused on future success... instead of staying stuck in the stressful situations at school.)
Whatever signs or symptoms you and your child are facing, know that you are not facing them alone. There are positive resources available at our website, (www.lifeworksgroup.org) as well as from the web links below. Knowledge is power so if you know you are facing and know what to do about it, you can turn the letters ADD from being a curse in your son or daughters life into ADD becoming a great blessing.
For further study on ADD, check out these sites:
www.Family.org
www.NewLife.com
http://www.add.org
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/default.htm
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/news/20070904/many-kids-with-ADHD-arent-diagnosed
http://www.add-adhd.org/ADHD_attention-deficit.html
Reprint Permission- If this article was helpful you are invited to share it with your own list at work, church, forward it to friends and family or post it on your own site or blog. Just leave it intact and do not alter it in any way. Any links must remain in the article. Please include the following in your reprint.
"Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews (Copyright, 2004-2009), subscribe to this valuable counseling and coaching resource at www.LifeWorksGroup.org "
About the author- Dwight Bain is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. He is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Certified Life Coach and Certified Family Law Mediator in practice since 1984 with a primary focus on solving crisis events and managing major change. He is a member of the National Speakers Association and partners with media, major corporations and non-profit organizations to make a positive difference in our culture.
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